Happy Birthday, Matteo.

Oh Matteo…where are you? You just missed your third birthday, your brother’s third birthday, and Giuliana’s first birthday. On a day that’s supposed to be so happy, fun and magical for three little people…part of me would have rather crawled into a hole. Sometimes it’s so hard to put on my happy face. But, we did… for Rocco and Giuliana, and also for Gabby.

My mind puts together an image of you at three that is handsome beyond words. Big brown eyes, sun-kissed skin, a longer and leaner body, your golden curls trimmed – but still wild, lips that are still perfectly plump, and a smile that could melt any mother’s heart. I picture you being the closest to Giuliana as you were so observant and interested in babies in the weeks preceding your death. You would still be the sweetest, gentlest little man I know… and such a great brother. I envision you still being the best kid in the room, and the one that would cuddle mommy for hours. I imagine you loving our new house and yard, wrestling with your daddy and brother, and playing catch with Rocco. I imagine you and Gabby playing make believe so nicely together… her telling you what to do and you just doing it so she lets you play with her. I know exactly where the bunk bed would have been placed in Rocco’s room.

I miss hearing your deep raspy voice. I miss playing with your hair. I miss holding your feet and hands when we’d snuggle on the sofa. I feel like I can still feel so much of you.

It’s amazing actually how a mommy can’t forget these things… the voice, the feel of her child’s skin, hair, and size of his hands, feet, face or how tall you stood.

So much you should be doing here with us. So many things you are missing.

Every night before bed, Gabby wishes and prays for you to come back to life. This was also her wish before she blew the candles out on her cake this year and last. If only wishes could come true…

Do you hear Rocco say goodnight to you every night before bed? Are you the one protecting him from all the mischief he gets into?

Have you seen your beautiful baby sister? Did you meet her before we did? Isn’t she just hilarious? She is a LOT like you, Matteo. She is as sweet as the bees knees…but she’s got the feisty side to her just like you did.

Do you sit on the moon at night? Are you a star in the sky? Do you sit on our shoulders throughout the day? Are you with us constantly? Do you make the stars twinkle for us at night? Because I tell the kids this is what you do all of this…

Do you listen to me when I talk to you before I go to sleep each night? Do you help me watch over the kids at night while they’re sleeping?

Is Heaven as beautiful as they say it is? Gabby now often asks what you’re doing up in Heaven. She thinks it’s really neat that you get to have ice cream whenever you want, that you don’t have to go to bed at any certain time and that you can bounce on the clouds. But, she quickly reminds me how much she wishes you were still here with us instead of in Heaven.

We went out to dinner the night before your birthday. After dinner, ice cream sundaes were delivered to our table for Rocco and Giuliana. As I was telling Rocco to not eat the candle on his birthday sundae (because he bit into it!), Giuls was sucking on and starting to bite on hers. We all started laughing uncontrollably to the point where our tummies hurt… and then I looked around at all of us laughing and my laughter quickly turned to sobbing…because you should have been there laughing with us. I ruined the moment. There we were… suddenly sad. One minute a family in hysterics, and the next minute somber and unfixable. We miss you. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I could see sadness in your daddies eyes. Gabby was now filled with tears. And, Rocco told me not to cry.

We still constantly look for signs from you. So, keep sending them when you think of it.

Oh, and thank you for the sky FULL of stars on your birthday. Lord knows that’s no easy task in the winter months here. We know you are out there somewhere among those beautiful stars, and we look forward to the day when we will hold you once again tightly in our arms. We’ll certainly have a lot of catching up to do. Or maybe we won’t?

Not a moment goes by that we don’t miss you or think of you or feel your loss. I wish with all my heart we would have had more than just one birthday to celebrate WITH you.

Happy Birthday Tato buns! I love you! We ALL love you.