Martino Madness: February 2013

Marco's 9 Month Growth Stats:

Height: 29.3 inches (84%ile)

Weight: 18lbs 3oz (18%ile)

Head: 18.5 (83%ile)

Night Sleep: I will usually nurse him around 8:15pm and then he falls asleep while nursing. I am usually able to transfer him to the crib without waking, but sometimes he does require a little *shush'ing* and rhythmic bouncing to fall asleep again. And, he's been teething so much, that sometimes he throws us for a loop and will require us to sit with him in the rocking chair for almost a half hour before he lets us put him in his crib sound asleep. He will wake up crying between 11:30pm-1am, when he realizes he's sleeping in his crib and not nursing. So, I'll go get him and lay him down in bed next to me and let him nurse until his heart is content. We both fall asleep and he will nurse off and on throughout the night (probably 3-4 times at least, for however long each time!). This results in me never really getting a good night sleep. But, it makes the little guy happy... and that makes me happy. It's a vicious cycle of love!! He will usually wake for the day around 7 or 7:15am.

Naps: Marco’s awake time is now stretching from 2-3 hours in any wakeful time period. His morning nap is his longest nap and still takes place 2 hours after he wakes for the day (so around 9/9:15am). He'll nap for about an hour in the morning. He is usually ready for his 2nd nap almost 3 hours after he wakes up from his morning nap (around 1:15pm). The 2nd nap is a wildcard in length... sometimes lasting a half hour, and sometimes lasting a little over an hour, but he will most often wake up around that 45 min mark. And, his 3rd nap seems to take place 3 hours after he wakes from his 2nd nap, and it's getting shorter and shorter. He'll probably soon ready to give it up. The 3rd nap is now never longer than a half hour and he always wakes up crying. So, I will nurse him immediately when he wakes up from this nap and this is pretty much the only way to make him happy after his 3rd nap. I envision him moving to two naps very soon if he is able to continue lengthening that first morning nap.

Eating: He is in no rush to jump into the world of table foods. He seems to be following in Giuliana's footsteps in this regard. I am now able to feed him either pear or applesauce baby food, mixed with a bit of baby oatmeal cereal, 3-4 times a day. He will eat approximately 1-2oz each feeding. I consider this a success, as I try to nurse him less and introduce more foods to his diet. He is still nursing on demand... lucky guy! I probably still nurse him 10-12 times throughout any 24 hours. And, he does still nurse throughout the night. He's like a little barnacle at night... sucking away. If he wakes up realizing he's not sucking, he'll cry until he's latched on again. Such a funny little guy! He also still nurses if he is upset, and before naps and bedtime.

Marco Updates:

Crawling forward on all 4’s on December 18^th. Prior to that he was getting up on all 4’s and moving backwards. And, he was moving forward by doing the army crawl.
Waves “hi!” and “bye!”
Says “Mamamamama” when he sees me and/or wants me to pick him up and hold him.
Pulling up to a stand, using furniture and walls.
Climbing. Loves to climb up on children’s chairs, and try to pull himself up on tables, the sofa, etc.
Stairs are SUPER fun! He loves climbing all the stairs to the top and screams with excitement the entire journey up.
Copycat: He loves to play copycat with his siblings. For example, he will shake his head and then look to one of them to shake their head. If they do it, then he will do it again and look at them to repeat what he did. It’s hilarious – he loves to play this game!
Screaming/shrieking: He loves to scream or screech really loud when he is playing happily. When he gets everyone’s attention… he’ll smile really big and scream/screech again. He gets even more excited if his siblings scream/screech back and forth with him.
He has 3 teeth!
Wrestling: He had already started to enjoy the thrill of baby wrestles with his daddy. He gets SO excited if Dan lays him on the floor and pretends to wrestle him, like he does Rocco. And, if Marco sees Dan wrestling Rocco, he quickly crawls over to them to try and participate in the action. Super cute!
Feeds mommy. He likes to grab his spoon when I’m feeding him, and he will try to put the spoon in my mouth to feed me.
Pulls hair! He LOVES to pull hair. He will pull on my hair, Giuliana’s hair and Gabby’s hair. It actually really hurts when he does it and he uses all his strength to give it a good tug! He’s made Gabby cry a few times… Giuliana seems to be a bit more tough and will just yell “OUCH!” This reminds me of Matteo… he used to pull on single strands of my hair, piece by piece and he would laugh when I would say “Ouch!”
He has grown a little mole on the inside of his right leg. Oddly enough, Matteo had a mold in this same exact spot. Matteo’s was larger. But, I love that Marco has this new mole in the same spot. Maybe another sign from above.

It has been 43+ months, or a little over 3.5 years, since I last saw and held Matteo.

Sometimes, it hurts so deeply to say those words out loud. My heart jumps into my throat the instant I acknowledge and type that nightmarish fact.

Other times, I am able to control myself and keep the sadness stored neatly inside of me, so nobody has to clean up the mess.

I think about Matteo constantly throughout the day, every day, just as a mother thinks constantly about any of her children that are not within arm’s reach. It would be impossible to train a mother’s mind to not obsessively wonder, care, or think about one of her children. It would simply go against human nature.

Matteo was 18 months old when he died. And here we are 3.5 years later, and our new baby boy, Marco, has now lived half of Matteo’s life.

I haven’t written a blog post focused solely on Matteo in a very long time. Not because I don't have *content*. There are plenty of blog posts that could be written, almost on a daily basis, solely devoted to Matteo, and life after one of your children dies. Things happen throughout the day; you have conversations with family, old friends and new friends; encounters with strangers… and some of those moments will instantly start a thought process, and an entire article unfolds in my head before I know it.

The fact of the matter is that it’s easier to just keep that tornado of emotion inside my head. The process of writing my feelings about grief in an organized, concentrated way can bring me down into a tunnel of gloom that often times can be very hard to climb out of. And, I don’t want this blog to become a sad/dark place. I want my children to be able to read through this blog someday and know that we are (were) a happy family, despite having lost Matteo. I want them to know how hard Matteo’s death was on all of us and how it changed us, but that it didn’t destroy us.

One might think it gets easier to write about grief as time passes, or that life gets easier to live again. I’m not sure it is possible to find peace, or that time heals you after the loss of a child.

I haven’t found peace with Matteo’s death. Not yet. But, I have learned to keep living every day with the pain of his loss.

Matteo’s death still cuts like a knife and knocks the wind out of me. It brings tears to my eyes, makes my head ache, my heart sink, and my throat swells with what could be an eruption of sobbing at any given moment, depending on the day and the triggers. A song, looking through photos, reading or hearing about another parent’s loss, letting my mind wander, a question Gabby might ask… any of those things can trigger my mind to begin replaying memories that will instantly torment and rip me apart.

Sometimes, I feel like I held him just yesterday. I can still feel his little foot in my hand. I spent most of July 4^th massaging that foot as I sat with him nestled up against me. I had my left arm wrapped around him and my hand holding his foot. It’s as if my hand knew it wouldn’t be able to squish and love those feet for hours on end after that day. Matteo wasn’t feeling good, and I was happy to spend the day snuggled up to him while Dan kept Gabby and Rocco busy with errands and outside play.

I trimmed his nails, we read stories, we watched D.ora and D.iego. And, I played with his hair a lot that afternoon. I would grab a few fingers full of his hair and pull on the curls until I had them fully extended and straight. Over, and over again. All the while, I had my head snuggled up against his so I could feel his skin on my lips.

I love resting my lips on my babies’ foreheads when I snuggle them. There is a magical, tender, connection this gives me. I love it.

I can honestly still feel Matteo’s chunky little foot in my hand. I can separate my fingers and thumb to the exact size of that chunky foot.

I remember his favorite foods and the tricks we had to pull to get him to eat. I remember his silly wiggle dance, and playing catch with him. I remember so many scenarios of him and Rocco climbing in and out of boxes and bins, and playing so well together. And ten minutes later, they would be making each other crazy.

I remember his raspy voice and it gives me chills. I can hear it in the quiet of the night. I can hear him singing the Dora song, and saying “Gobby”, “Cocco”, and “Momma”, “Dadda”.

The past 3.5 years have been a flurry of ups, downs, and in-betweens. Emotional highs and lows. Priorities have changed, as have many relationships. Our family has grown with the addition of two beautiful, happy children to our family. Yet, they could never come close to replacing the loss of Matteo. He is an unfathomable loss.

Life has changed in so many ways for me, and for us.

The awkwardness of simple questions from a stranger, like “how many children do you have?” will still stop me in my tracks. If you are a parent, you know how often this question comes up. I always want to say “five”. But, in some situations, I anticipate the risk of follow-up questions and will say “four”. Always hating myself if I do—as if I am not acknowledging that Matteo lived, and will forever be one of my children. I’ve learned the hard way that answering “five” can be a slippery slope. For example, my dental hygienist thinks I have five living children. I never expected her to remember how many kids I had. But, I just don’t want to delve into the discussion that follows breaking the news that one of those children died at 18 months of age, while sleeping.

Pregnancy came with another set of problems. You become a magnet for strangers to ask you very personal questions. I loved the attention when I was pregnant with Gabby, and even the twins. “When are you due? Is this your first? Boy or girl?” Those questions were FUN to answer back then. But, after you have a child die, those questions from a stranger open a whole new can of worms. I was 13 weeks pregnant with Giuliana when Matteo died. And, I hated and wanted to sob every time a stranger asked me those questions. I felt like everyone was being so invasive and insensitive. I wanted to shout “One of my baby boys just died! Leave me alone!”

When I was pregnant with Marco, I was more annoyed than anything. I felt like I couldn’t go out in public without getting questioned by at least 2 strangers “Is this your first?”, “How many do you have?” When I would answer “five”, I’d get the shocked face response, and most often a “Wow, you must be BUSY!” Sometimes, I just wanted to say out loud “well one of them died… so I’m not as busy as I should be.” I’m sure that would have ended the conversation.

I also had days during my pregnancy with Marco when I felt like I could never really be happy anymore. My guess is that sadness was the result of a mix of pregnancy hormones, grief, not getting my regular dose of endorphins from running and the Pacific Northwest weather. For instance, I recall being on a trip with my girlfriends in January, and several times I literally laughed until I cried. I was trying so hard to be happy. They thought I was laughing so hard I cried. I think the truth was that I was crying more than laughing. I was trying so hard to be happy and laugh, but I couldn’t bottle the sadness. It came out with any emotion.

Three and a half years. Almost as old as Giuliana. Giuliana will forever be 6 months younger than the time associated with the anniversary of Matteo’s death.

Rocco is now five. Gabby is now seven. Matteo should be five too.

Your child dies. You gain a new respect for life. A new appreciation for life, and a sense of wonder about it. When you look up at the moon and stars at night… you wonder if your child is out there. You contemplate how really tiny and small we (humans) really, truly are. You start to not care so much about a lot of things. And other things, the important things, are what you focus on.

When your child dies, and the coroner can’t tell you how/why your child died, but you know your child had a virus, you become a bit more obsessive about germs. I get great anxiety when my little people are sick. PTSD. I don’t sleep. I’m short with Dan. I’m stressed. And, I’ll check the sick child throughout the night to the point of it being a crazy obsession because I fear another child dying in their sleep. Though, I would never tell my children that.

My PTSD has gotten a little better. Granted, Marco has not yet had a fever. Hopefully, I can remain calm and not get too stressed when he has his first unexplained high fever. And, I pray that doesn’t happen until he’s 18. Eighteen YEARS OLD, that is. :)

My children wash their hands every time they enter the house. It is habit to them now—I don’t even have to ask them to do it. I get frustrated when strangers touch my infant or itty bitty child’s hand. I want to say “Hello, do I know you?! And, when is the last time you washed your hands? Are you sick? Have you been around someone sick? Then please DO NOT TOUCH my baby’s hand or give them food that you have just touched. Don’t you realize this child is not fully vaccinated yet?!”

Since Matteo’s death, I imagine my parenting has changed. I imagine I hug my kids a little longer, snuggle a little more, and feel a little worse when they are upset or hurt (whether their pain is physical or emotional). I am probably a little more protective than the average parent. And, I imagine I probably want them to get every ounce of joy they possibly can out of life, and that includes making the best of awful situations… because Matteo doesn’t have that. He was cheated out of life. And, I feel like we all owe it to Matteo to try and make every day a good day.

Life has me so busy these days—it’s probably a good thing. My mind doesn’t have time to hang out in the dark tunnel of grief. Days/weeks pass by at warp speed. Keeping up with four children, school, their activities, and taking care of them and a home… jeesh… there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Running remains my happy place. I literally NEED that runners high at least 4x week or I get grumpy. It’s my time. I can let my mind wander, talk to Matteo, think without interruptions. It’s like my own personal therapy session because I ALWAYS feel great when I’m done. (Or maybe it’s just the joy of being by myself for an hour! Ha!)

Gabby misses Matteo. She still has moments where she will get very sad and cry because she misses him and wishes he didn’t die. She gets sad when she looks through MAtteo photo albums, or hears certain songs that have been associated with Matteo’s life/death. Having seen and witnessed more than any child ever should, his death is still very impactful on Gabby’s life. She freaks out if one of her siblings gets hurt or is bleeding. She worries when they are sick. If we have to bring someone to the ER, she is asking if they will come home again. Her fears have faded a bit with time, but they are still there and we still have to parent/counsel those situations carefully. We find ourselves having to reassure her less with time, that what happened to Matteo is not going to happen again to any of her siblings. Gabby loves watching videos with Matteo in them. It can be a slippery slope though… sometimes, she’ll be laughing at him and the video, and sometimes watching the videos can make her sad. Same goes for me.

Rocco often talks about Matteo. He asks a lot of questions about Matteo, and about how him and Matteo were as twins. He’ll ask questions about how they played together, who was born first, and how I gave them baths or fed them in high chairs next to each other. He likes to look at photos of him and Matteo. He enjoys seeing videos. I am not yet sure if he has or will carry memories of him and Matteo with him through life. He’s not quite at an age yet where we can sit down and question his memories of Matteo. Or, if we look through photos with him, I’m not sure he would be able to honestly tell me yet if a photo sparks a memory of Matteo. He knows Matteo is his twin. He talks about him often, and how they were best buddies. He will talk about Matteo when he sees the moon. And, he says goodnight to Matteo every night when he goes to bed.

Giuliana associates Matteo with the moon and the stars. And, if you ask her about the little red birthmark on her hand, she’ll tell you that’s where Matteo kissed her before she came out of mommy’s womb. The birthmark looks like a little kiss. It has faded a bit with time, but it’s still there. She thinks of Matteo as an angel. She never knew him otherwise. She is also smart/old enough to know that Matteo can often be a sad topic, as she has been known to say “I’m sad because I miss Matteo.” (Clearly picks up on big sister’s emotions/actions/words.) So, then we’ll talk about how wonderful, sweet and special Matteo was until we’re happy again.

The moon has special meaning to Gabby, Rocco and Giuliana. It always sparks a thought, comment or question about Matteo. Balloons are also significant. Whenever the kids have balloons in-hand, they will ask to let them go to Matteo in Heaven. They are convinced Matteo pulls the balloons into Heaven with him the second the balloon disappears.

The moon, a balloon, and Matteo’s profile all make up Matteo’s Dream Fund logo. If anything good can come out of the tragedy of Matteo’s death and the grief we will always carry in our hearts, it has been this non-profit organization. Matteo’s Dream Fund has allowed us to keep Matteo’s memory alive. It has allowed us to raise money for sick and terminally ill children, and their families and provide support to in-hospital schools, recreation therapy, and grief support and counseling services at a few children’s hospitals.

Matteo’s Dream Fund has also been a positive experience for the kids. They have felt the joy of delivering gifts to a children’s hospital around the holidays. And, what better way to teach them “when life give you lemons, you make lemonade.”

I talk to Matteo every day. I think about him every minute of the day and he is the last person I talk to every night. I ask him to watch over our family, and keep our children safe and healthy. He is an angel. He is our little angel.

I hate that we have an angel. He should be here with us.

I miss you so much, Matteo. I love you to the moon and back.

2/17/13

Marco is walking!

2/3/13

Marco's 9 Month Update

2/1/13

3.5 years without Matteo

The Family - November 2013

The Family - November 2008

Matteo's Dream Fund, Inc

Follow MATTEO'S DREAM FUND activity on facebook

May 7, 2012 | Four of my kiddos...

Matteo (photo taken July 2, 2009)

Followers

Blogs I Read

Blog Archive

Live Traffic Feed

The Cutest Blog On The Block