Marco's Nursing Strike & The End of Breastfeeding

Have you ever heard of a *nursing strike*? As in, a breastfeeding nursing strike?

I have breastfed 5 babies, and had never heard of a nursing strike until recently, when my fifth child, Marco, decided to go on a nursing strike, six weeks shy of his first birthday.

Had this not been my fifth child, and had he not been so close to one year of age… this could have been very traumatizing. And, I’m sure there are so many women who have had a completely traumatizing experience when their infant starts a nursing strike, and my heart goes out to all of you.
Marco recently had R.oseola. In the first 24 hours of coming down with the fever, he went from nursing 10-12 times a day to not nursing at all. Not once! It was such a frustrating (and painful!) experience.

Prior to this illness, breastfeeding had not only been his main food source, but it was also his preferred method of being soothed, since birth. As any breastfeeding mom knows… breastfeeding wasn’t just a bonding experience, but it was my secret weapon to make him happy and calm him no matter what the situation.

Well… twenty-four hours into Marco having R.oseola and starting this nursing strike, I had to dig the breast pump equipment out of the garage because my breasts had become so engorged. I was also getting a little stressed because my motherly instinct wanted to help and soothe him while he was sick by nursing him, but he would get angry and cry harder and push away. It just wasn’t making sense to me and was so frustrating. I was also SO busy with a sick baby and three other kids (Dan was away on biz travel), that I didn’t have ten minutes to stop and try pumping that day to take care of my own body’s needs. So, I sent quick note to the Le L.eche League:

“Question regarding refusal to nurse at 10.5 mnths of age: My little guy is a good nursing baby. Brought him to doctor yesterday, thinking he might have ear infection because he didn't want to nurse right away yesterday morning like usual. Did not have ear infection - but fluid in ears, yes. Last night, I nursed him around 8:30pm before putting him down (like normal), and then he woke up at 11:20pm w/low-grade fever. I spent the entire night holding him, and trying to console him, all the while he refused to nurse. He finally fell asleep around 5am, and slept for 2 hours. When he woke up, still refusing to nurse. Brought him to MD first thing today since still presenting fever, still no ear infection. MD thinks just a virus. He's NEVER refused nursing. Matter-of-fact, it's usually a source of soothing for him when teething, upset or sick. He has now not nursed for 21 hours and he does not take a bottle either. He is drinking water and eating now. But, I don't understand why he's not nursing. Can you help me troubleshoot? Have you heard of similar experiences w/other nursing moms/babies his age? He's my 5th child, all of which have been breastfed babies and this is a new experience for me. Wondering if he is suddenly done w/nursing? I pumped this morning and noticed that my breastmilk is not very fatty at all. Could my milk be bad or not likable to him anymore?? Any help you or any of your fans can provide would be GREAT!”

They truly are such a great organization, and they quickly responded with:
“This is a nursing strike and one of the most stressful things a mama and baby can go through. They do sometimes happen with an illness. I'll give you some broad suggestions, but if you want specific support, I'd encourage you to call a leader for (free!) help. First, keep your milk moving. Human milk isn't very fatty. That's by design and totally normal. If you have access to a pump, pump as often as your nursling would typically nurse. You can offer milk in a sippy or straw cup. One thing to remember is baby's that don't nurse typically can't. This is just as frustrating for baby as it is for you. Try and offer the breast as Often as you can. Keep it low stress.”

In addition, they suggested taking a bath with the baby, and provided me with two local contacts to reach out to.  

I unfortunately didn’t have the option to take a bath with Marco because I didn’t have another adult here to manage the rest of the crew. I don’t know if he would have even done that anyway, he just wanted to be held and snuggled because he was so ill. And, by the time I tried to pump (24 hours later), I was so engorged it was basically unsuccessful. My boobs hurt so bad at this point that it hurt to even hold Marco against my chest.

I continued to offer Marco the boob through a second sleepless night, only to frustrate him and myself more. Dan finally arrived home almost 40 hours after Marco last nursed. I told him not to come home unless he walked in the door with cabbage. He arrived home around 2pm and once we were able to get Marco’s fever down again, I tried almost every trick in the book to get the milk moving out of me… a hot shower and massage, hand expression, and finally the pump. I STILL was not having much luck and was basically now in more pain (because of the massaging), and felt like there were bruises all over my chest. The pump did help a tiny bit though, so I didn’t go as far as trying the old *cabbage leaves on the boobs* trick to release the milk. But, I have to admit I was so desperate at one point that I almost wanted to volunteer to nurse another mother's child. I just needed a baby to suck on the boobs! AGH!!

Looking back, it’s almost comical that THIS is the way my last breastfeeding experience had to end. I guess I’ve been lucky to not have any problems breastfeeding until now… why not end with a bang, right?! Jeesh!

Eventually, I was able to pump/massage the milk out and get to a point of comfort. It was a painful, time-consuming experience that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

I shared my story/drama with a few mommy friends, and a couple told me that they too had experienced this *nursing strike* business. One little boy didn’t nurse for two days at 7 months old, and then he took to it again and has continued. Another friend’s little girl went on a nursing strike for two weeks at 9 months of age… the mom continued to pump, and then one morning while the baby was half-sleeping, she offered the breast and the baby started nursing regularly again until her mommy weaned her close to 14 months of age.

Hearing those stories made me think Marco *might* start nursing again, and to maybe not give up so easily. But, when he continued to not want anything to do with the boob after his fever was gone (five days later), it was clear to me he had decided he was finished. And, mentally, I was done.

Marco wasn’t nursing. He wasn’t even drinking any of the pumped milk – and I couldn’t blame him! It looked awful to me. It wasn’t the nice yellow color that *good* breast milk normally has. It almost had a blue tint to it, and there was barely a layer of fat on top.

I wasn’t about to try pushing the breastfeeding agenda on an almost 11 month old. Nor was I about to begin pumping consistently, on a regular basis at this stage of the game if he wasn’t interested in the milk.

Here we are 2.5 weeks later. I am down to pumping once every other day, and my last EVER pump will probably be tomorrow. I have tried offering Marco breast milk numerous times – he doesn’t want it. I have tried offering him formula numerous times, to which he still gauges and does not want a drop. The pediatrician tells me he shouldn’t have cow’s milk until he is 1 year old.

Now, you are probably asking “How is he getting the calcium he needs?”

Well, he eats at least 4 adult sized vanilla yogurts every single day. And, he has been eating massive amounts of anything and everything I offer him lately. It’s insane! While he was breastfeeding – he was still not super-interested in table foods. He was eating baby foods more frequently, but still loved to nurse whenever he wanted. Now, he is like a little wolf, and willing to try eating whatever is presented to him! He eats cous cous, rice, peas, green beans, avocado, strawberries, raspberries, chicken, turkey, ham, potatoes, French fries, mac & cheese, raviolis, tortellinis, waffles, pancakes, buttered toast, yogurt…and those are just his favorites. I’m so proud of him… it’s like he just took a leap of faith into the world of food!

And here’s the kicker – he is now either sleeping through the night or only waking up once during the night since quitting breast feeding! When he was breastfeeding, he was still nursing throughout the night… probably 2-5 times a night, which resulted in me never getting a good night’s sleep. It’s as if his little tummy is finally so happy to have lots of filling, fatty foods in it… and he can sleep for longer periods of time because of it! YAY!!

I guess I had envisioned a grand ending to my breastfeeding experience with Marco… especially since he is our last child. When he went on the nursing strike, I have to admit that the “Oh my gosh… I’m not going to have that last moment with him… with any baby again… EVER!” But, that seemed to pass quickly. Or, perhaps I just didn’t dwell on it because I was so glad when he finally finished the Ro.seola virus and was healthy again.

I think it was a WIN-WIN for both of us. He seems happier. He is sleeping better. He’s eating everything and truly loving food. And, I am sleeping better. I am enjoying my new-found freedom of not having to be constantly attached to a baby who needed to breastfeed every 3 hours. And, I am having so much fun introducing him to so many new foods.

It is truly the end of an era for me... no more breastfeeding babies! The boobies are done! (and now they look like they need to GET done! ha!)

Marco had R.oseola

Well... we just finished up another really fun experience with Ro.seola.

R.oseola is one of those great viruses that can’t really be diagnosed until the end of the illness, when the rash appears on the fifth day (day 5 of fever). Out of our five children, only Giuliana and Marco have had Ro.seola. It might be one of my least favorite viruses, because the child has a consistent fever for 5 days. And, for two of those days the fever likes to spike above 104, even though you have the baby on what seems like a steady dose of either ace.taminophen or ibupro.fren. The most frustrating part is that you can't figure out what is causing the fever until the child finally gets the rash on day 5.


Rose.ola decided to hit Marco last Tuesday night. Dan was traveling Monday - Thursday so it was already chaos central around here. Marco woke up crying around 11:15pm on Tuesday, and he felt warm to my lips so I took his temperature and it was just under 100. I gave him some ibupro.fren and brought him into bed with me and he nursed a bit around midnight. But, he did not sleep well at all. He woke up frequently throughout the night crying and he wouldn’t nurse anymore which was VERY unusual for him since nursing was his main source of soothing.


Wednesday delivered a full day of fever activity, and a continued nursing strike. Wednesday also happens to be my craziest day with the kids between school drop-offs, pick-ups and evening activities. Marco’s fever had me on edge a bit because it was already 101.3 at 10am…so I knew it was going to be a long day of switching between ibu.profren and acet.aminophen. It was also very strange to me that he was continuing to not nurse (well… strange AND painful).


We visited the pediatrician on Monday for Marco. I thought he might have an ear infection because he was waking up, crying, frequently through the night on Sunday night. However, he received a clean bill of health – no ear infection or strep, and his lungs were clear. I know ear infections can develop in a matter of hours.

Marco was so uncomfortable all day on Wednesday. He was fussy. He didn’t want to play. He just wanted to be in my arms, and even then he was whiny. He also wouldn’t walk around at all, instead, he would choose to crawl if he had any desire to move around at all. Poor baby! This made the day extra challenging for me because I was the only adult in the house, prepping meals, cleaning up after meals, helping the 3 yr old w/the potty chair, etc., all with a sick baby in my arms. I also couldn’t get him to take one decent nap, even though he was so tired. Not to mention… he still wasn’t nursing! So, my breasts were getting engorged (and hurting!) and I couldn’t get him to even entertain the idea of nursing. I knew it was time to dig the breast pump out of the garage… the last thing I needed was to get sick myself with m.astitis.

Finally, I was able to put Marco down to sleep at 8:30pm. I quickly got the other kids situated in bed, cleaned up after the kids, checked homework, ate dinner and then tried to pump. The pumping was not very successful since I was so engorged. I was now at the point where I couldn’t touch my chest without it being painful. Good times. I also knew that it was only going to get worse unless I could release some of that milk.

The pumping was interrupted by Marco, who woke up crying and so hot again by 10:15pm. His fever was 103.5. I think I may have had a mini-panic-attack at some point here… mapping mapping out my plan of action for what to do if I had to run him to the ER w/all 4 kids in tow, all the while holding him close to me, and that being extremely painful because of my engorged breasts. So, I sent Dan a text and asked him if he could possibly come home any earlier from his business trip.

I assumed that Marco and I would soon both fall asleep, so I set my phone alarm for every hour during the night so I could check on him. Well, funny thing is that I didn't even need to set the alarm because we NEVER WENT TO SLEEP. My poor little baby was SO uncomfortable and sick that he could not sleep. I spent hours walking with him in my arms, while he was screaming and kicking. Just as he would calm down and I would think he had dozed off, I would try to sit in the rocking chair and he would start wailing again. I tried singing, humming, rhythmic bouncing him in my arms, and I tried nursing him numerous times. I could not do anything to make him happy. I wanted to cry myself!

To add to the fun, just as Marco started dozing off, Gabby came running into my room at 5am crying about how her throat hurt. I was so spent at this point I think I told her to “stop crying, drink some water and go back to bed!” Ugh!

Finally, at 5:15am he fell asleep. OY! Somehow, I was able to hold him in my arms while propping up some pillows in my bed, and strategically maneuvered a position for me to hold him while hopefully also allowing me to get a little sleep. I was exhausted. And, in 1.5 hours the other kids would be waking up for the day with *bouncing-off-the-walls* energy. JOY!!

Thursday brought another full day of high fevers, even though we remained on a pretty constant regimen of the fever reducing meds. He hit 103.5 at 4:50am and 104.5 at 2pm. Dan was a total gem and able to take an earlier flight home to help me out. He got home around 2pm and once we were able to get Marco’s fever down again, I was off to try every trick in the book to express milk from my hurting breasts! (for more on that – read the next blog post, NURSING STRIKE)

By Thursday night, I think I finally started getting more control of Marco’s fever. His temperature would finally go down to 98.6 after being on meds, and it would sit there or be close to normal for a few hours at a time. His eyelids seemed to be a little swollen, and he was still fussy and needed to be constantly held. But, at least we had the fever under control.

Friday brought another day of a needy/fussy baby. He still had what seemed like swollen eyelids. He was showing more interest in *wanting* to play for short spurts at a time, but still didn’t necessarily have the energy to truly play. He just wanted momma to hold him most of the day. It was SO great to have Dan home to help out with the other kids too, so I could focus solely on Marco for the majority of the day. Dan also let me sleep in Friday morning since I was borderline insane at this point.

Saturday, Marco seemed a bit more like his normal, happy, content and playful self. But, he still had a little fever, and then I noticed Marco had developed a little rash on his tummy. Aha!! So, I looked at his back and sure enough, the rash was present there also. I immediately knew it had to be Ros.eola… because Giuliana had this! I looked up the symptoms and sure enough, he presented numerous classic symptoms... high spiking fever for 5 days, swollen eyelids, diarrhea, and a rash on the trunk on day 5.

Sunday morning, Dan and I were both relieved to see our little guy walking around, screeching with excitement, wanting to play and being curious. No fever, and no new symptoms. What a relief! The rash was a little more visible on his trunk and it looked uncomfortable and itchy, but I read he would most likely not be bothered by it (and he didn’t seem to notice).

To say I am NOT a fan of having a sick infant is an understatement. We've been so lucky with Marco so far being extremely healthy. I mean - he's really only had one ear infection, and now this. That's pretty amazing considering he has 3 older siblings constantly bringing germs home with them.

Angel Matteo is doing a great job watching over his little brother.

Giuliana & her Imaginary Friends

Giuliana is our first child to have imaginary friends. Their names are Lola, Giga and Maya.

I think she developed these new friendships in February. We first heard a lot about Maya, and in the past month or so, Lola and Giga seem to be her friends of choice.

I'm not exactly sure how she came up with the names. And, she does not actively play with these friends throughout the day. For instance... she would never tell me she *is currently playing* with Lola, Giga or Maya... or that she is even setting a place at the dinner table for one of them. Rather, she will ask if her friends are coming over today. Or, as we are driving by the grocery store, she will tell me that she went to the grocery store last night with Giga. So, I will then ask "well, how did you and Giga get to the grocery store?". She will then tell me something like "Giga's dad drove us to the grocery store."

My theory as to why Giuliana created these friends is that she frequently observes Gabby and Rocco with their friends, or participating in friend-related activities (birthday parties, play dates, etc.), and she wants her own friends too.

Since she is my first child to have an imaginary friend, I've asked a few people if they have ever experienced this with their own child/ren. One mother told me her daughter would go as far as setting extra places at the table for her friends (she was older than Giuliana at the time). This friend also told me that the pediatrician had told her it was a sign of high intelligence, and to just go along with it and and never make fun of it. My friend and I couldn't help but completely agree that OF COURSE our children were brilliant and this must be a sure sign! :))

I must admit, these imaginary friends and the tales that develop can be kind of fun to play along with. Although, it does also present challenges. For instance, Giuliana will ask when Lola or Giga are coming over today. I usually respond that I haven't talked to their parents and I didn't know they were coming over. She will get frustrated, and insist they are coming over and demand I tell her a time. So, I tell her a time and then we try to distract her with other things. And, sometimes, she will say things like "Lola pushed me off the balance beam yesterday." Or, "Giga bit me at school two days ago." Then, I have to explain to her how those behaviors are things that friends and good kids do not do to each other. And, I try to tell her that when those things happen, an adult needs to be told right away so they can help sort out the situation and make sure that Lola and Giga know that they can hurt people by doing stuff like that.

I'm waiting for the day/moment when she tells a stranger (pediatrician, coach, teacher or whoever) a story that involves one of her imaginary friends and how that plays out! So far, she seems to just share her imaginary friends with her family.

Kids are so funny! It will be interesting to see how long she keeps these current imaginary friends.

Giuliana started DANCE class!

Giuliana started a dance class recently and she is really enjoying it. She is starting with “creative dance movement”, in a class with 3 and 4 year olds. She is the tiniest little person out there (just like in her gymnastics class), and seems to enjoy getting dressed up in dance clothes… you know, the tutus and leotards, etc. She took off running into the very first class, not even looking back at me once.

In mid-March, I decided to enroll her in dance because I found her sort of *needing* more than just a gymnastics class to keep her entertained during the week. While I’d like to think the chaos of our house is enough to keep any child (or adult!) permanently entertained (if not overwhelmed), it was just clear to me she needed/wanted more. Another activity that was for HER, rather than sitting on the sidelines watching one of her older siblings in their activities.

Since saying goodbye to our au pair in December, and me being tied to Marco so much throughout the day to nurse and provide the much-needed care that baby’s require…I’ve struggled with the moments I feel like she is bored.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is very good for a child to experience boredom, as it helps fuel creative play and boosts imagination. And, of all my children, she is and always has been my best little self-entertainer. She frequently sits for an hour at a time flipping through piles of books telling stories, or playing with super heroes or her little pony figures, and she also enjoys spending time building with L.EGOS and playing with the doll houses.

But, in this case, I feel like I often get so caught up in doing laundry, prepping meals, doing homework with the older kids, cleaning up after everyone, etc, just to keep up... that I wasn’t finding/making the time I feel she deserved for her very own fun activities. So, I asked her if she wanted to do dance, and she gave me a very enthusiastic “YEAH!” response.

I am really enjoying watching her in the dance class. They seem to do a lot of the same song/dances, each week… so the kids get familiar with what they are supposed to do. But, the teacher does a great job of also introducing fun props, and a new song/dance each week too. If Giuliana continues to enjoy the class, I’ll enroll her in tap & ballet in the fall.   

Rocco & Gabby Ski Video

Here's a quick video of Gabby and Rocco skiing together. They called it racing... :))

A day of skiing!

I decided that we needed to take a quick trip up the mountain for a day of skiing fun! The kids have never been skiing before. And, I really enjoy skiing... so why not, right?

We had planned to make the 1.5 hour drive many times, especially during school breaks... but it seems the plans always got put on hold because someone got sick, or there was another child activity or commitment that had been made.

OH, and it is also not an easy thing to just drive up the mountain with your kids when you're a breastfeeding mommy. You are constantly attached to the baby, and having that sort of freedom (when they won't take a bottle) just does not exist. Well... stay tuned for that post next, because Marco is also done with the boob! YAY!

Anyway, I took the two big kids up into the Cascades for a day of skiing fun. We ALL had a blast. And, I think I created two little skiing monsters, as I practically had to drag them off the mountain.

Gabby LOVED it and while she was frustrated for the first 30 mins of her lesson, one hour into it - she was hooked! Rocco also loved it and clearly had no fear, as the little guy preferred to go speeding straight down the bunny hill without doing any sort of turning action. Gabby was good at continuing to practice her turns even well after her class had ended.

I can't wait to take them both up the mountain again for some more skiing!

Oh, and for the record, Dan was busy at home being super-daddy with the two little kids. It was a gorgeous sunny day, so he took them on a trail run and out for ice cream. (And watched a lot of hoops and enjoyed naps on the sofa!)

8 Hours of Snow!

We did not have any snow all winter. And, then on Friday, March 22nd, it snowed! Three days into Spring, and we started the day off with snow on the ground! The kids were SO excited... and I could not believe my eyes (in a *no you didn't, mother nature!* sort of way).

Rocco went to school late so he & Giuliana could play in the snow for a little while together. They made snow angels and lots of tracks in the snow, and put their tongues out to catch snowflakes as they fell from the sky.



By 3pm, the snow was all melted. So... I was thrilled! I mean really - that is my kind of snowstorm!

The kids however were SO bummed out.

Marco is walking!

Wow! Stop the clock!!

Marco officially started walking today, February 17th, at 9.5 months of age. I can't decide if I'm excited or if I should cry! Maybe a little of both.

He walked twice today... taking five or more steps at a time. The first time, our entire family was up in the play room... and Marco stood up and took five steps walking right into my arms. He had a huge smile on his face and we were all so excited, I'm certain he knew he did something special. Then, just before I was about to put him to bed... he took another 6 steps right into my arms. Again, big smiles all over that little man's face.

Marco now holds the record in the house for being the youngest walker. Rocco previously held the record, as he started walking at 10 months. Giuliana walked at 11 months, Matteo at 13 months and Gabriella at 14 months.

When a baby starts walking, it definitely opens new doors of fun and independence and funny moments. But, you're also faced with the reality that they are growing up.

My baby is growing up. My last little baby is walking! Wow.

Time sure does fly by...

Marco's 9 Month Update

Marco's 9 Month Growth Stats:
Height: 29.3 inches (84%ile)
Weight: 18lbs 3oz (18%ile)
Head: 18.5 (83%ile)

Night Sleep: I will usually nurse him around 8:15pm and then he falls asleep while nursing. I am usually able to transfer him to the crib without waking, but sometimes he does require a little *shush'ing* and rhythmic bouncing to fall asleep again. And, he's been teething so much, that sometimes he throws us for a loop and will require us to sit with him in the rocking chair for almost a half hour before he lets us put him in his crib sound asleep. He will wake up crying between 11:30pm-1am, when he realizes he's sleeping in his crib and not nursing. So, I'll go get him and lay him down in bed next to me and let him nurse until his heart is content. We both fall asleep and he will nurse off and on throughout the night (probably 3-4 times at least, for however long each time!). This results in me never really getting a good night sleep. But, it makes the little guy happy... and that makes me happy. It's a vicious cycle of love!! He will usually wake for the day around 7 or 7:15am. 

Naps: Marco’s awake time is now stretching from 2-3 hours in any wakeful time period. His morning nap is his longest nap and still takes place 2 hours after he wakes for the day (so around 9/9:15am). He'll nap for about an hour in the morning.  He is usually ready for his 2nd nap almost 3 hours after he wakes up from his morning nap (around 1:15pm). The 2nd nap is a wildcard in length... sometimes lasting a half hour, and sometimes lasting a little over an hour, but he will most often wake up around that 45 min mark. And, his 3rd nap seems to take place 3 hours after he wakes from his 2nd nap, and it's getting shorter and shorter. He'll probably soon ready to give it up. The 3rd nap is now never longer than a half hour and he always wakes up crying. So, I will nurse him immediately when he wakes up from this nap and this is pretty much the only way to make him happy after his 3rd nap. I envision him moving to two naps very soon if he is able to continue lengthening that first morning nap.

Eating: He is in no rush to jump into the world of table foods. He seems to be following in Giuliana's footsteps in this regard. I am now able to feed him either pear or applesauce baby food, mixed with a bit of baby oatmeal cereal, 3-4 times a day. He will eat approximately 1-2oz each feeding. I consider this a success, as I try to nurse him less and introduce more foods to his diet. He is still nursing on demand... lucky guy! I probably still nurse him 10-12 times throughout any 24 hours. And, he does still nurse throughout the night. He's like a little barnacle at night... sucking away. If he wakes up realizing he's not sucking, he'll cry until he's latched on again. Such a funny little guy! He also still nurses if he is upset, and before naps and bedtime.

Marco Updates:  

• Crawling forward on all 4’s on December 18^th. Prior to that he was getting up on all 4’s and moving backwards. And, he was moving forward by doing the army crawl.
• Waves “hi!” and “bye!”
• Says “Mamamamama” when he sees me and/or wants me to pick him up and hold him.
• Pulling up to a stand, using furniture and walls.
• Climbing. Loves to climb up on children’s chairs, and try to pull himself up on tables, the sofa, etc.
• Stairs are SUPER fun! He loves climbing all the stairs to the top and screams with excitement the entire journey up.
• Copycat: He loves to play copycat with his siblings. For example, he will shake his head and then look to one of them to shake their head. If they do it, then he will do it again and look at them to repeat what he did. It’s hilarious – he loves to play this game!
• Screaming/shrieking: He loves to scream or screech really loud when he is playing happily. When he gets everyone’s attention… he’ll smile really big and scream/screech again. He gets even more excited if his siblings scream/screech back and forth with him.
• He has 3 teeth!
• Wrestling: He had already started to enjoy the thrill of baby wrestles with his daddy. He gets SO excited if Dan lays him on the floor and pretends to wrestle him, like he does Rocco. And, if Marco sees Dan wrestling Rocco, he quickly crawls over to them to try and participate in the action. Super cute!
• Feeds mommy. He likes to grab his spoon when I’m feeding him, and he will try to put the spoon in my mouth to feed me.
• Pulls hair! He LOVES to pull hair. He will pull on my hair, Giuliana’s hair and Gabby’s hair. It actually really hurts when he does it and he uses all his strength to give it a good tug! He’s made Gabby cry a few times… Giuliana seems to be a bit more tough and will just yell “OUCH!” This reminds me of Matteo… he used to pull on single strands of my hair, piece by piece and he would laugh when I would say “Ouch!”
• He has grown a little mole on the inside of his right leg. Oddly enough, Matteo had a mold in this same exact spot. Matteo’s was larger. But, I love that Marco has this new mole in the same spot. Maybe another sign from above.

3.5 years without Matteo

It has been 43+ months, or a little over 3.5 years, since I last saw and held Matteo.

Sometimes, it hurts so deeply to say those words out loud. My heart jumps into my throat the instant I acknowledge and type that nightmarish fact.

Other times, I am able to control myself and keep the sadness stored neatly inside of me, so nobody has to clean up the mess.  

I think about Matteo constantly throughout the day, every day, just as a mother thinks constantly about any of her children that are not within arm’s reach. It would be impossible to train a mother’s mind to not obsessively wonder, care, or think about one of her children. It would simply go against human nature.

Matteo was 18 months old when he died. And here we are 3.5 years later, and our new baby boy, Marco, has now lived half of Matteo’s life.

I haven’t written a blog post focused solely on Matteo in a very long time. Not because I don't have *content*. There are plenty of blog posts that could be written, almost on a daily basis, solely devoted to Matteo, and life after one of your children dies. Things happen throughout the day; you have conversations with family, old friends and new friends; encounters with strangers… and some of those moments will instantly start a thought process, and an entire article unfolds in my head before I know it.

The fact of the matter is that it’s easier to just keep that tornado of emotion inside my head. The process of writing my feelings about grief in an organized, concentrated way can bring me down into a tunnel of gloom that often times can be very hard to climb out of. And, I don’t want this blog to become a sad/dark place. I want my children to be able to read through this blog someday and know that we are (were) a happy family, despite having lost Matteo. I want them to know how hard Matteo’s death was on all of us and how it changed us, but that it didn’t destroy us.

One might think it gets easier to write about grief as time passes, or that life gets easier to live again. I’m not sure it is possible to find peace, or that time heals you after the loss of a child.

I haven’t found peace with Matteo’s death. Not yet. But, I have learned to keep living every day with the pain of his loss.

Matteo’s death still cuts like a knife and knocks the wind out of me. It brings tears to my eyes, makes my head ache, my heart sink, and my throat swells with what could be an eruption of sobbing at any given moment, depending on the day and the triggers. A song, looking through  photos, reading or hearing about another parent’s loss, letting my mind wander, a question Gabby might ask… any of those things can trigger my mind to begin replaying memories that will instantly torment and rip me apart.

Sometimes, I feel like I held him just yesterday. I can still feel his little foot in my hand. I spent most of July 4^th massaging that foot as I sat with him nestled up against me. I had my left arm wrapped around him and my hand holding his foot. It’s as if my hand knew it wouldn’t be able to squish and love those feet for hours on end after that day. Matteo wasn’t feeling good, and I was happy to spend the day snuggled up to him while Dan kept Gabby and Rocco busy with errands and outside play.  

I trimmed his nails, we read stories, we watched D.ora and D.iego. And, I played with his hair a lot that afternoon. I would grab a few fingers full of his hair and pull on the curls until I had them fully extended and straight. Over, and over again. All the while, I had my head snuggled up against his so I could feel his skin on my lips.

I love resting my lips on my babies’ foreheads when I snuggle them. There is a magical, tender, connection this gives me. I love it.

I can honestly still feel Matteo’s chunky little foot in my hand. I can separate my fingers and thumb to the exact size of that chunky foot.

I remember his favorite foods and the tricks we had to pull to get him to eat. I remember his silly wiggle dance, and playing catch with him. I remember so many scenarios of him and Rocco climbing in and out of boxes and bins, and playing so well together. And ten minutes later, they would be making each other crazy.

I remember his raspy voice and it gives me chills. I can hear it in the quiet of the night. I can hear him singing the Dora song, and saying “Gobby”, “Cocco”, and “Momma”, “Dadda”.

The past 3.5 years have been a flurry of ups, downs, and in-betweens. Emotional highs and lows. Priorities have changed, as have many relationships. Our family has grown with the addition of two beautiful, happy children to our family. Yet, they could never come close to replacing the loss of Matteo. He is an unfathomable loss.

Life has changed in so many ways for me, and for us.

The awkwardness of simple questions from a stranger, like “how many children do you have?” will still stop me in my tracks. If you are a parent, you know how often this question comes up. I always want to say “five”. But, in some situations, I anticipate the risk of follow-up questions and will say “four”. Always hating myself if I do—as if I am not acknowledging that Matteo lived, and will forever be one of my children. I’ve learned the hard way that answering “five” can be a slippery slope. For example, my dental hygienist thinks I have five living children. I never expected her to remember how many kids I had. But, I just don’t want to delve into the discussion that follows breaking the news that one of those children died at 18 months of age, while sleeping.   

Pregnancy came with another set of problems. You become a magnet for strangers to ask you very personal questions. I loved the attention when I was pregnant with Gabby, and even the twins. “When are you due? Is this your first? Boy or girl?” Those questions were FUN to answer back then. But, after you have a child die, those questions from a stranger open a whole new can of worms. I was 13 weeks pregnant with Giuliana when Matteo died. And, I hated and wanted to sob every time a stranger asked me those questions. I felt like everyone was being so invasive and insensitive. I wanted to shout “One of my baby boys just died! Leave me alone!”

When I was pregnant with Marco, I was more annoyed than anything. I felt like I couldn’t go out in public without getting questioned by at least 2 strangers “Is this your first?”, “How many do you have?” When I would answer “five”, I’d get the shocked face response, and most often a “Wow, you must be BUSY!” Sometimes, I just wanted to say out loud “well one of them died… so I’m not as busy as I should be.” I’m sure that would have ended the conversation.

I also had days during my pregnancy with Marco when I felt like I could never really be happy anymore. My guess is that sadness was the result of a mix of pregnancy hormones, grief, not getting my regular dose of endorphins from running and the Pacific Northwest weather. For instance, I recall being on a trip with my girlfriends in January, and several times I literally laughed until I cried. I was trying so hard to be happy. They thought I was laughing so hard I cried. I think the truth was that I was crying more than laughing. I was trying so hard to be happy and laugh, but I couldn’t bottle the sadness. It came out with any emotion.

Three and a half years. Almost as old as Giuliana. Giuliana will forever be 6 months younger than the time associated with the anniversary of Matteo’s death.

Rocco is now five. Gabby is now seven. Matteo should be five too.  

Your child dies. You gain a new respect for life. A new appreciation for life, and a sense of wonder about it. When you look up at the moon and stars at night… you wonder if your child is out there. You contemplate how really tiny and small we (humans) really, truly are. You start to not care so much about a lot of things. And other things, the important things, are what you focus on.

When your child dies, and the coroner can’t tell you how/why your child died, but you know your child had a virus, you become a bit more obsessive about germs. I get great anxiety when my little people are sick. PTSD. I don’t sleep. I’m short with Dan. I’m stressed. And, I’ll check the sick child throughout the night to the point of it being a crazy obsession because I fear another child dying in their sleep. Though, I would never tell my children that.

My PTSD has gotten a little better. Granted, Marco has not yet had a fever. Hopefully, I can remain calm and not get too stressed when he has his first unexplained high fever. And, I pray that doesn’t happen until he’s 18. Eighteen YEARS OLD, that is. :)

My children wash their hands every time they enter the house. It is habit to them now—I don’t even have to ask them to do it. I get frustrated when strangers touch my infant or itty bitty child’s hand. I want to say “Hello, do I know you?! And, when is the last time you washed your hands? Are you sick? Have you been around someone sick? Then please DO NOT TOUCH my baby’s hand or give them food that you have just touched. Don’t you realize this child is not fully vaccinated yet?!”

Since Matteo’s death, I imagine my parenting has changed. I imagine I hug my kids a little longer, snuggle a little more, and feel a little worse when they are upset or hurt (whether their pain is physical or emotional). I am probably a little more protective than the average parent. And, I imagine I probably want them to get every ounce of joy they possibly can out of life, and that includes making the best of awful situations… because Matteo doesn’t have that. He was cheated out of life. And, I feel like we all owe it to Matteo to try and make every day a good day.

Life has me so busy these days—it’s probably a good thing. My mind doesn’t have time to hang out in the dark tunnel of grief. Days/weeks pass by at warp speed. Keeping up with four children, school, their activities, and taking care of them and a home… jeesh… there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Running remains my happy place. I literally NEED that runners high at least 4x week or I get grumpy. It’s my time. I can let my mind wander, talk to Matteo, think without interruptions. It’s like my own personal therapy session because I ALWAYS feel great when I’m done. (Or maybe it’s just the joy of being by myself for an hour! Ha!)  

Gabby misses Matteo. She still has moments where she will get very sad and cry because she misses him and wishes he didn’t die. She gets sad when she looks through MAtteo photo albums, or hears certain songs that have been associated with Matteo’s life/death. Having seen and witnessed more than any child ever should, his death is still very impactful on Gabby’s life. She freaks out if one of her siblings gets hurt or is bleeding. She worries when they are sick. If we have to bring someone to the ER, she is asking if they will come home again. Her fears have faded a bit with time, but they are still there and we still have to parent/counsel those situations carefully. We find ourselves having to reassure her less with time, that what happened to Matteo is not going to happen again to any of her siblings. Gabby loves watching videos with Matteo in them. It can be a slippery slope though… sometimes, she’ll be laughing at him and the video, and sometimes watching the videos can make her sad. Same goes for me.

Rocco often talks about Matteo. He asks a lot of questions about Matteo, and about how him and Matteo were as twins. He’ll ask questions about how they played together, who was born first, and how I gave them baths or fed them in high chairs next to each other. He likes to look at photos of him and Matteo. He enjoys seeing videos. I am not yet sure if he has or will carry memories of him and Matteo with him through life. He’s not quite at an age yet where we can sit down and question his memories of Matteo. Or, if we look through photos with him, I’m not sure he would be able to honestly tell me yet if a photo sparks a memory of Matteo. He knows Matteo is his twin. He talks about him often, and how they were best buddies. He will talk about Matteo when he sees the moon. And, he says goodnight to Matteo every night when he goes to bed.    

Giuliana associates Matteo with the moon and the stars. And, if you ask her about the little red birthmark on her hand, she’ll tell you that’s where Matteo kissed her before she came out of mommy’s womb. The birthmark looks like a little kiss. It has faded a bit with time, but it’s still there. She thinks of Matteo as an angel. She never knew him otherwise. She is also smart/old enough to know that Matteo can often be a sad topic, as she has been known to say “I’m sad because I miss Matteo.” (Clearly picks up on big sister’s emotions/actions/words.) So, then we’ll talk about how wonderful, sweet and special Matteo was until we’re happy again.

The moon has special meaning to Gabby, Rocco and Giuliana. It always sparks a thought, comment or question about Matteo. Balloons are also significant. Whenever the kids have balloons in-hand, they will ask to let them go to Matteo in Heaven. They are convinced Matteo pulls the balloons into Heaven with him the second the balloon disappears.

The moon, a balloon, and Matteo’s profile all make up Matteo’s Dream Fund logo. If anything good can come out of the tragedy of Matteo’s death and the grief we will always carry in our hearts, it has been this non-profit organization. Matteo’s Dream Fund has allowed us to keep Matteo’s memory alive. It has allowed us to raise money for sick and terminally ill children, and their families and provide support to in-hospital schools, recreation therapy, and grief support and counseling services at a few children’s hospitals.

Matteo’s Dream Fund has also been a positive experience for the kids. They have felt the joy of delivering gifts to a children’s hospital around the holidays. And, what better way to teach them “when life give you lemons, you make lemonade.”

I talk to Matteo every day. I think about him every minute of the day and he is the last person I talk to every night. I ask him to watch over our family, and keep our children safe and healthy. He is an angel. He is our little angel.  

I hate that we have an angel. He should be here with us.

I miss you so much, Matteo. I love you to the moon and back.