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We started the Thanksgiving holiday off by participating in the annual Turkey Trot. Gabby ran in the 4-5 year old race, and Rocco ran along with her. We would have loved to sign Rocco up for his own race, but the youngest race was for 2 year olds and he isn't quite there yet.





















Rocco has taken "licking the bowl" to an entirely new level.



Let's see... some of the highlights included:
It was a great day... and if Matteo had been with us, I would have called it a perfect day. We of course thought about him a lot. We brought all the kids to the Stanford/Arizona game last year and it made for a really fun family outing. You can check out video and photos from last year by clicking here. 













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Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

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Gabby started soccer back in September. She loves it!.jpg)
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Baby Surprisette is now 24 weeks and 6 days along.
We had a really rough week, two weeks ago. Thinking about it exhausts me….jpg)
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We ended the summer with lots of trips to the pool. LOTS!.jpg)
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Rocco has started gymnastics!.jpg)
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This is a photo of our new au pair, Sarah, with the kids. She joins us from Germany and has been here since August 14th. She has been such a welcome member of our household... so helpful with cleaning up around the house and doing laundry. Sometimes, I think she has a little bit of me in her in that she can't seem to sit down either! Always likes to be doing something.
Gabby started her first official day of Pre-Kindergarten on 8/25.
We've been visiting Gilroy Gardens a lot in the past few weeks. It's an amusement park with rides, water parks, a fabulous petting zoo with pony rides, beautiful gardens (which we have yet to tour or walk through), and lots of other activites for the kids.



Rocco's surgery last week was successful. No complications.
I brought the kids in this week to get photos taken. Matteo should have been there..jpg)
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We had the full anatomy scan this week on Baby Surprise... and she's definitely a girl. We got a 4D view of her beautiful face, body and all that girl stuff..jpg)
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We had planned a trip to Minnesota a few months before Matteo died. Tickets were bought. Plans were in the works. It would have been my family's reunion. My brother, Mark, and his family would be visiting from Shanghai, China. My brother, Jon, would be visiting from Alaska with his wife and daughter, whom we hadn't yet met and whose first birthday we'd be celebrating on August 1st. And, my brother Dave and his family conveniently live not too far from my parents in the Minneapolis area. So - it was going to be lots of fun seeing all the little cousins play together.
And, to think just a year ago... we were in MN with him for his & Rocco's baptism.
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The kids LOVED feeding all the animals at the Carver County Fair. They loved meeting the cow character... who was hugging them and shaking hands with them... strange, I know! But, it was funny. They also loved going on all the rides... however, the rides usually ended up with Dan having to extract a screaming Rocco. Rocco had such a blast on any ride where he felt like he was driving a car, motorbike or airplane. And, the kids also enjoyed LOTS of cotton candy, cheese curds and pizza. Yum!
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Here I sit... three plus weeks after Matteo died. And, all I can do is cry. My head hurts from crying. My heart feels heavy. My eyes are sore and red. And, I'm just sad.Matteo (meaning = Gift of God)
Tate (meaning = Full of Cheer)
We certainly named him appropriately...
Dan recorded this one morning and it's the sweetest thing ever. In the past few months, Dan and I have commented countless times how much fun it is to watch the three kids play together. We LOVED watching them all play together. LOVED it. Literally. We would always talk about how this was the best part of parenting and how we couldn't imagine having less than 3 kids... simply because of how much fun it was to watch the interaction and love between them. And yes, fights too of course. But those were more humourous than anything. We'd talk about how we looked forward to how they'd interact at X age... or how it would be so fun to continue watching Rocco and Matteo play ball together. Rocco always the thrower... Matteo always the catcher. I just honestly can NOT believe I won't ever again be able to see my three babies play together again. It breaks my heart over and over again.
Just wish I had recorded a million more things that somehow I didn't.
The past two days of our lives have been the worst. In some moments, it feels like Matteo died 14 days ago. And, in other moments, the memories are so fresh and painful... it feels like 14 seconds ago.
And yet, I don't think Dan or I have ever before felt more loved by our amazing, unbelieveable network of family and friends (old and new).
Isn't it strange and awful... how tragedy seems to make us stop and immediately know what is important in life.
The past two nights, I've spent a lot of time looking at the moon and stars. A very bright star off to the left of the moon, in particular... that seems to have caught my eye. Monday night, I sat in Rocco & Matteo's room in the rocking chair until 2am. I rocked by myself... looking into Rocco's crib - listening to him breathe. I talked to Matteo for a long time. Several times, I swear I saw him. I even saw him standing in Rocco's crib looking towards the window... it was so clear and vivid, I had to get up to try and reach for him. My heart skipped beats. But, he wasn't there.
I sat there wishing he was laying in his crib. His empty crib. Not even a sheet on the mattress. Everything was taken from our home that awful, tragic morning. His sheets, his blankets. I can't even hold them. They took them from us.
I do however have the cute blue "Matteo" towel a dear friend gave to us, which I cradled him and tried to warm him up in after his last bath. Untouched. Unwashed. I also have the fleece jacket I wore all day Saturday... with Matteo's hair still weaved into it in several places. Him and I spent the majority of the day together, snuggling on the sofa, in our morning snuggles position. I buried my nose into the shoulder and took deep breaths today. I smelled my baby. But, it didn't take away my hurt.
Rocco is stressed and it was incredibly evident today. His best friend, Matteo, is gone. And, he knows. Yesterday, Rocco went to Matteo's crib and patted it, saying "No Tao... no Tao" and then layed down on his blankie on the floor... looking in the direction of the now empty crib. This morning... my parents said he looked into the mirror in his playroom and said "Tao, Tao" and then layed down and cried. He has cried more today and acted out more than he ever has in the past. Little things that never bothered him before, bother him today. Everything is more dramatic for him. Tonight, 20 minutes after we put him to bed.... I went to retrieve him (so he could come sit with me & the family downstairs) after hearing him scream "Momma... momma". I went up to check him and he was hovering in the corner looking scared and paniced and crying like I had never heard him cry. A fearful cry. Normally, if he was upset or crying in bed and not going down easily... he was standing, jumping and screaming/crying, boldly.
On Monday night, Gabby spent 15 minutes telling me, Dan, Gammy, Papa, Uncle Dave and Julia, with incredible, explicit detail... all that she unfortunately witnessed that awful morning. I was so saddened to hear her repeat it over and over to us. But, so glad she could tell us in so many words, with such detail... and allow us to explain what was happening. That daddy wasn't trying to hurt Matteo. Daddy was trying to bring him back to life while on the phone with 911.
We continue to be amazed by the outpouring of love from everyone. People we know. People we don't know. Family near and far. Friends we talk to often. Friends we haven't heard from in years but hold in our memories and hearts. It amazes us. And, somehow... it seems to help.
It helps to hear someone cry on the other end of the phone. It helps to hug someone, be hugged and just cry together. It helps to read notes... even if you don't know what to say, and say that you don't know what to say. I mean... what do you say? There are no perfect, magic words. No words will change things. No words will bring our dear, sweet Matteo back to us. No words will make us not hurt or feel this pain. No words are wrong or hurtful. We know you are trying to tell us you love us, that you're thinking of us, that you're praying for us, that you're holding our dear sweet baby in your hearts and thoughts. And, that means everything to us right now.
I wonder if I will ever live another day in my life where I do not start and end my day with crying. I wonder if I will ever again sleep more than 3 hours at night. Every time I wake up, I see Matteo, my mind starts racing, and I can't sleep. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel truly happy and whole again. I doubt it. I wonder if when someone I don't know at a checkout counter or wherever asks me how I am doing, I won't think in my head of replying with "F*&*ing AWFUL... how much time do you have?"
I wonder if I will ever not think of Matteo every single minute of my life... because I honestly HOPE with all of my heart that I do not go a minute without thinking of him. Right now... it's hard to leave my home filled with his photos and happy memories.
We are still trying to understand why Matteo left us. We have no answers yet. And that is additionally painful. My baby had a fever. A FEVER. Why did he DIE?!
I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of this awful, horrible tragedy.
In a way, I suppose our precious little Matt's life has impacted your lives in many ways by now. We have heard from so many people... around the world and back again. People we know. People we don't know.
Maybe you'll hug your kids tighter. Maybe you'll hug your family and friends tighter. Maybe you'll understand that some of the chaos your dealing with in your day today really doesn't matter in the big scheme of life. Maybe your troubles today will seem less troublesome. Maybe you will stop and smell the roses. Maybe your priorities will change.
What a big feat for such a little man. Truly.
If Matteo has changed you, and made you stop and think about what is important to you... then I could not be a more proud mommy. But... I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to have him back here with me... right here, right now... this instant. Yes, I would be that selfish. He was the happiest little man I have ever met. Always smiling. Always wiggling when happy. Always wiggle wobbling his silly little walk while happily following his big sister and brother throughout the house. He was what life is all about.
Dan and I both thank you for taking the time to reach out to us.
Your thoughtfulness will not be forgotten and is helping us through this incredibly, unbearable, difficult time in our lives.
THANK YOU!
The past week started with two doctor visits. Dan brought Rocco in on Monday (for some little man issues) and I brought Gabby in on Tuesday. Gabby had a ruptured ear... so crazy... as she didn't even complain about her ear hurting until Monday night. When I left the doctor on Tuesday... Dr. O asked when I'd be bringing in the third, lil Matteo. This was so often the pattern of the past 9 months. Bring one in... then by the end of the week, we'd have brought them all in.



















We decided to take the kids to the San Francisco zoo on Saturday. It was beautiful, sunny and warm where we live. And, it was like winter in San Francisco. Thankfully, we checked the weather first and packed winter coats and hats for all the kids..jpg)
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And, this would be Miss Gabby's new uniform - the Princess swimsuit (featuring Cinderella, Belle & Sleeping Beauty). She wears it almost every day... except on school days of course. But... she would wear it to school if she could, trust me.

My friend, Kathleen, and I finished the 2009 Santa Cruz half marathon yesterday. And wow.... it was a HOT one! It hit 90 degrees here and in Santa Cruz yesterday.


Rocco was given antibiotic shots for two days, eye drops (3xdaily) for 5 days, and an oral medication for 10 days. He is doing SO much better now and his eyes have completely cleared up... thank goodness!
Both boys are still snotty. Matt still has a bad cough. But, both seem to be getting better and I know I should knock on wood before I mention this... but NO EAR INFECTIONS! YAY RAH RAH TUBES!!
We had a super-fun weekend with all the kids regardless of them battling colds! We played outside a lot in the sun and sprinklers... it was LOTS of fun!
And, finally... Easter Sunday! 

Grandma and grandpa helped all the kids hunt for eggs outside and ring the wind chimes. The boys just loved wandering around the beautiful outdoors with Leo and Kenny. They played with aunt Trish and cousins Courtney & Tori... and tried to show off all their new tricks. Matteo of course showed off his improved walking skills (he's now walking 90% of the time).

















We went to our good friend's (the Hart's) home on Saturday night for an Easter Egg hunt and dinner.
