Silly 'lil Dude!

Rocco continues to be such a silly 'lil dude... but he is as handsome as ever and always the entertainer.

He has been busted on more than one occasion for scaling the OUTSIDE of the staircase. Even after our many attempts to barricade it! Why go up the stairs properly when you can have some fun with it and daddy will rescue you?

He prefers to eat ON the dinner table (rather than at it). And, when he does sit nicely and dine with us... he'll always make us laugh.

Why sit on a chair like a normal person when you can make a bridge using the arm rests?

He's as sweet as sugar. But, he's torn the world apart... literally.

Whenever Dan has to get tools out... Rocco is always right there to help and assist whether Dan wants the extra help or not. Rocco will assist with everything from measuring to hammering.

And, baskets are STILL always best when empty and sat in (this photo is from late September).

What I Am Thankful For This Year...

We started the Thanksgiving holiday off by participating in the annual Turkey Trot. Gabby ran in the 4-5 year old race, and Rocco ran along with her. We would have loved to sign Rocco up for his own race, but the youngest race was for 2 year olds and he isn't quite there yet.

Gabby was super cute... she started off running... and then looked back to see Rocco looking a bit confused... so she ran back to him, hugged him and then he was off and running, chasing her.















After the Turkey Trot, we went for a long family walk... enjoyed the gorgeous weather and took in all the color on the trees.

We also talked a lot about Matteo and how this holiday was so different for us last year. I have a vivid memory of Matteo falling asleep on my mom's shoulder during Thanksgiving dinner... and then all 3 kids jumping and playing on Trish & Todd's bed after dessert. Such wonderful memories that I shared here last year.

We spent the evening with some of our wonderful family who lives nearby and our au pair, Sarah, who enjoyed her first American Thanksgiving. The food was beyond delicious and the kids had a blast playing with their cousin Courtney.

While I wish I could turn back the clock to the beginning of July, I know I can't. I also know I can't choose to only live in the past... or in a constant state of sadness and/or anger about Matteo's death. It wouldn't be healthy for myself or anyone in my life. Now more than ever... I feel a need to live life and cherish each and every moment.

With that being said... here are the things I am thankful for this year...
* The wonderful 17 months and 25 days I was able to love and get to know our son, Matteo.
* The good health of my husband and two living children.
* All of our dear family and friends.
* The miracle of life.
* Still being able to smile and laugh, in spite of the ever-present sadness.
* Sadly, a new perspective and appreciation of life... and what is TRULY most important.


Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...--Isak Dinesen

A Royal Visit...

Last weekend... we were visited by royalty. We were graced by the presence of THREE princesses (and their fabulous parents, of course)!

Meet Snow White, Belle and Cinderella... and a royal prince (who wasn't so in to having his photo taken):

Snow White and Cinderella are the beautiful, sweet daughters of one of my best friends from high school, Jara. We always enjoy spending time with them and it was so much fun to see all the kids playing together so nicely.

After they left... Gabby talked about Kate and Kallie for days. Often saying "I really love Kate and Kallie. And, they love me too!"

I Found Her Sobbing...

Last night, I found Gabby crying in our master bathroom.

I had rounded her up for bedtime and sent her off to our room so we could brush teeth. I did my pre-bedtime check on Rocco and as I left his room I could hear Gabby crying. Sobbing actually.

I rushed in to find her looking in the mirror, crying her little eyes out.
Me: "Gabby, what's wrong?!"
Gabby: "I just REALLY miss Matteo a lot. I wish he was here. He is my little brother and I miss playing with him."
Me: Now also crying... "I know sweetheart. I miss him too. It's ok to miss him. And, it's ok to be sad and cry about it too. We loved him very much and he is probably hugging us right now trying to make us feel better."
Gabby: "Is he here with us right now?"
Me: "Yes, he is. He's always with us. Let's talk about him... do you remember what his favorite toys were?"

We went on to have a 20 minute conversation about Matteo and all of his favorite things, funny things he would do or say, and our memories of him.

Gabby said her favorite memory of him was how he would always do his little standing wiggle dance when he was happy or having fun. She also said she liked the little dance he would do when the "Go Diego, Go!" theme song was on TV.

It's amazing how moments like this can kick me right in the heart. They knock the wind right out of me. They require every ounce of my "being" as a parent to try and hold it together... a little bit anyway... for the sake of my other child(ren).

I am 99% sure that Gabby's crying episode was probably spurred by her having seen and heard me crying about missing Matteo when she got home last night.

I know it may be close to 5 months since Matt died. But, sometimes the pain and realization of what's happened seems like 5 minutes ago. The thought of him being dead still very much takes my breath away at least 50 times a day.

Birthday Party Fun!

For Gabby's birthday party this year, we let her choose who she wanted to invite. She invited a lot of friends from school and a few life-long friends that she's had.

Not only was Gabby thrilled to celebrate her birthday with her closest friends... she was very excited about all the party supplies, including princess plates, princess cups, princess napkins, princess table covers, etc.

We served her favorite foods for lunch... pizza, mac-n-cheese and hot dogs. The kids all played and ate lunch nicely together. We sang "Happy Birthday" and she blew out candles on another princess cake... this one sporting Belle, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.












And because a birthday party can never involve too much junk food... the cake was soon followed by a princess pinata.

FOUR!!

Gabby turned four last week! It's still hard to believe that she's already four... time goes by so fast.

We ordered a special "Belle" cake for her birthDAY. And, we let her open all her presents from us and other distant family members right when she woke up that morning. The two big hits were her Disney princesses bike and the Disney princess castle.

Even Rocco thought the bike was cool... and we sort of had to wrestle him off of it so the birthday girl could also spend some time on it.

After she opened all her presents... she said "Are there any more presents for me to open? I want more!" I thought this was funny, as it must be one of the four-year old developmental milestones to actually "request" more presents.











Not only did Rocco really like Gabby's new bike... but he took charge when it was time to blow out the candles on her Belle cake. Every time I would have 2 or 3 lit, the little guy would quickly blow out all the candles so I'd have to re-light them again. This had Gabby and I laughing so hard. Rocco on the other hand was very frustrated when I was finally able to hold him back far enough from the cake that he couldn't blow out the candles.











The only thing that Gabby REALLY wanted for her birthday that we weren't able to get her was Matteo. Several times over the past 4 months, Gabby has said to me "Mommy, I hope Matteo comes back to life for my birthday" or "My only wish is that Matteo will be back in time for my birthday". It's obviously beyond heartbraking the first time you hear those words come from your 3 year old's mouth. But, even more difficult might just be having to see their eyes when you to try and explain to them that you can't wish somebody back to life. That death isn't something you can change. It's sad and difficult knowing that she still has some sense of hope that she'll see Matteo alive again. It's hard to know that she doesn't fully understand exactly what death means.

Anyway, we did tell her that even though Matteo wasn't physically here with us on her birthday... he was/is with us. He is always in our hearts and on our shoulders. And, she still frequently tells me she has Matteo "sightings"... or that "Matteo was just tickling me".

Princess Cupcakes

As part of the birthday week festivities... the morning after Rocco's bowl-licking incident, we sent Gabby off to school with a tray full of princess cupcakes to share with all of her classmates.

They sang Happy Birthday and made her a special birthday tiarra.

Between Rocco and her daddy... I'm still somewhat surprised the cupcakes made it out the door that morning. ;)

Licking the bowl...

Rocco has taken "licking the bowl" to an entirely new level.

We made princess cupcakes one night this past week so Gabby could bring them to school, in celebration of her upcoming 4th birthday. I always let the kids (yes, Dan included) lick the bowl after... and other than having to remind Dan that he needs to share with the kids, it's never caused any real problems.

Well, it seems Rocco is now quite competitive with his father in the practice of "licking the bowl." Once Rocco got a hold of the bowl... he wouldn't let Gabby or Dan near it. And, he refused to stick his fingers or a spoon in. It had to be his ENTIRE face. It became a game of wild goose chase through the kitchen... with Gabby & Dan chasing Rocco and the bowl. I couldn't stop laughing. And thankfully, Gabby found this entertaining too... so no tears. Dan... not so much.













It was all fun and games until Rocco finally decided to drop the glass bowl on the tile floor. Well, to be fair... it may have slipped from his hands. But, the bowl shattered into what seemed like a million pieces. It was so funny though... these days, I'll take a broken glass bowl for a good laugh any day.

Stanford vs. Oregon

We went to the Stanford/Oregon game last Saturday with good friends. We brought all the kids and tailgated before the game.

Let's see... some of the highlights included:
* Gorgeous weather on a beautiful fall day!
* Tailgating pre-game, watching the kids play catch, color and get special balloons made for them.
* Watching Gabby & her friends (best friends from school, S & G) stand-up and cheer when the rest of the stadium was making noise... it was so cute.
* Rocco took a nap during the game. This was probably the only 1.25 hour time-span that we were not chasing him or trying to pull him off of things. I think he was either climbing or hiding under the benches almost the entire game.
* The kids LOVED going down a level to watch the Stanford band play a few times during the game.
* Fantastic offensive game for both teams (constant touchdown action) and Stanford won.
* We went on the field after the game with the kids and they danced with the band and participated in the win celebration. Rocco was sure to keep his eyes on the dancing tree... he was quite skeptical (Gabby was too around his age).
* Gabby ate more sugar during the game than I think she's ever had in an entire one week span... resulting in a sugar HIGH... and consequently, as we were leaving, a sugar low.

It was a great day... and if Matteo had been with us, I would have called it a perfect day. We of course thought about him a lot. We brought all the kids to the Stanford/Arizona game last year and it made for a really fun family outing. You can check out video and photos from last year by clicking here.

HaLlOwEeN 2009!

Halloween was a bit difficult for us this year, for all the obvious reasons. We missed Matteo more than words could ever explain. He was constantly in our thoughts. But, we were able to share in the excitement of the day through Gabby and Rocco's eyes... and for that, we were thankful.

Leading up to Halloween, Gabby kept telling us that she wanted to be Beauty/Princess Belle and she wanted Rocco to be the Beast. I couldn't possibly tell you how many times a day Gabby sings the theme song to "Beauty and the Beast". And now, if you ask Gabby what we should name baby Surprisette, she'll say "Belle". And, if we tell her "Or... how about XXX?", she'll start crying.

Oh Disney... you own us!

I still can't believe it, but I was unable to find a Beast costume for Rocco. I searched high & low... but nothing! So, Rocco ended up being Curious George which was perfect because it allowed Dan to once again be The Man in the Yellow Hat.

And, I can only imagine little Matteo would have been Diego. He LOVED Diego!

On Friday night we hosted a pumpkin carving, spooky potluck party and invited a few neighbors and friends over to join us. We carved some pumpkins, ate LOTS of yummy food, and celebrated Dan's birthday. All the while... missing our little Matt. Oddly enough, someone took a picture of Dan, me, Gabby & Rocco with Dan's cake... and Matt's photo is there in the background over my shoulder.

I think the most difficult part of the Halloween holiday was taking photos of the kids in their costumes without Matteo. Seeing the three of them, dressed up together last year was priceless. Those are some of my favorite photos of the three kiddos together... maybe because of the memories attached.

It also tore my heart out to watch Rocco & Gabby trick or treating. Rocco was loving it and saying "Tick or Teat!" I couldn't help but envision Matteo right there with them, picturing exactly what he would have been doing, where he would have been standing amongst the three of them, etc. But, all the while, I knew with every ounce of my heart that he SO WASN'T THERE. That hurt. And, I of course cried when Dan took the kids down the street, while I stayed behind to hand out candy.

Each time little kids would come to our door with their parents, I couldn't help but think how lucky each of those kids were to be celebrating the excitement and fun of Halloween night. And, how lucky their parents were to be able to watch them take part in this holiday. Especially knowing this would have been Matt's first true experience trick or treating (he wasn't yet walking last year). It would have been music to my ears to hear sweet little Matt saying "Trick or Treat!" with Gabby and Rocco. It would have been BEYOND cute to watch Dan have to open a new piece of candy for both Rocco & Matteo after each house. And, it would have been the sweetest thing to see both Matt and Rocco following behind Dan and Gabby because they were so busy concentrating on eating their candy. Instead... just little Rocco trailed behind.

The kids truly enjoyed the Halloween holiday. Gabby did have a little meltdown at some point that day. She broke down crying and said that she "just really missed Matatoe." Bless her little heart. She was fine then once she got that out. And, she certainly made for a beautiful Belle! And, Rocco might just have been the cutest little monkey ever.

Two great memories from 2008...

As today marks the 4 month anniversary of Matt's death... I thought I'd share two more of my favorite videos of the kiddos. The first is of the three kids on Halloween night 2008. the second is of just the twins together and was recorded last November.

Again, to turn the music off so you can hear the audio of the video clip better, scroll down to the playlist.com music player in the right sidebar and click on the pause () button.

Fly High Little Angel!

Four months ago, we lost our precious little angel, Matteo. It's still horrifically hard to believe.

And, it's difficult to believe these photos were taken last November. Just one short year ago. When everything was perfect still. Nothing was broken.

Matteo had so much fun that day... he loved the beach and the sand.

Lately, if you ask Rocco where Matteo/Matt/Matatoe or his buddy is, he'll point up at the sky and say "Heben" (for Heaven).

Fly high little angel, Matt!! We love you...

Pumpkin Patch Fun

We love the month of October. Not only do we love the cool, crisp air… but we love the leaves changing color, football, and HALLOWEEN!

Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!

A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!

We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.

It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.

It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.

Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.

There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.

Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.

We wish you were here with us, Matatoe. And, we’re always thinking of you 'lil buddy.

Jumping On My Heart

Today sucked. Today was difficult beyond words and I don’t even know why or how it was, but it was.

I’m at work and I get a phone call on my cell from a hospital number. I immediately assume it’s one of the doctor’s I’m needing to talk with about work-related stuff, so I answer it.
Caller: “Hi. Are you the parent of Matteo Martino?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “We need to get some updated insurance information for Matteo.”
Me: “Ummm… for what? Can you tell me why you need this?”
Caller: “Oh, well he is scheduled for his 6 month post-op audiology appointment on such and such date and….”
Me: Breathless. Heart in my throat. I’m at work. Thinking how I can’t spit out “My child died 16 weeks ago” because I will start crying uncontrollably and won’t be able to stop.
Me: “Um. You won't be needing it.”
Caller: Clearly confused. “Ok… so… do you want me to cancel the appointment.”
Me: “Yes. Please cancel it.”

I hang up the phone. Tears start flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I look at Matt’s photo and all I can think is how he should be here. He SHOULD be having this appointment. Rocco will be having his appointment. I think “why didn’t they ask about Rocco’s insurance?” and then remember that I didn’t recently cancel Rocco’s insurance. I canceled Matt’s. Life just keeps going and going and my poor sweet baby is forever stuck and frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days old. He took his last breath on July 4th. And, he’s dead. Gone. Forever. And, I miss him more than I could ever possibly explain. And, it physically hurts… this pain… this loss. And, I would do anything, ANYTHING to sob right here, right now at my desk, if it wouldn’t freak the hell out of my coworkers. So, I sob silently. I take deep breaths. And, I continue wiping my eyes and my nose. And, I keep telling myself to think happy thoughts. But, I can’t. Because I miss Matt so bad it kills me inside. And, I feel alone. I wish I could jump into a hole and just cry.

This phone call… it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground… and then proceeded to jump on it a million times, while I was watching.

I tried my hardest to pull myself together. But, I couldn’t.

And, I broke down tonight. I sobbed in Dan’s arms for what felt like forever. I want my baby back. I miss him SO much. So. Much. It. Hurts.

I want to know what he would look like right now… and what words he’d be saying. Rocco is so much bigger now and has so many words. I want Rocco to ask “Where Matteo go?”… but he doesn’t. And, that kills me. I want him to have memories of his brother. And, I feel like the more time that passes the chances of him remembering his twin get slimmer and slimmer.

And, Matt should be here for Halloween… and Dan’s birthday this week. He should have been here to enjoy the beautiful weather we had over the weekend. He should have been able to go on a walk with Gabby, Rocco and I on Sunday… and see the beautiful sunset. Instead, I had to tell them that Matteo made the sunset so beautiful… for us… because he’s an angel… and angels have super powers. Matteo would have loved seeing all the colors of fall. He would have taken it all in like he did everything in life. He was such an observant little guy.

Sixteen weeks… and not a minute of the day passes without me thinking about my little angel. Not a single minute.

Recent Updates

Things have been busy around here. Maybe that's a good thing. I find it hard to believe we're approaching the end of October.

The kids have been growing a lot... both getting a few inches taller since Matteo died. I'd also guess that Rocco has gained 2lbs since mid-July. I can only imagine Matteo would have been right there with him in the weight gain. They weighed the same, 28lbs, when Matteo died.

Rocco's talking skills have improved immensely and he’s hit that point where we can no longer keep track of the words because there are so many. Matteo's speech was a little more advanced than Rocco's... words seemed to come easier to that little guy. And, since they had their own little language, I think it delayed both of them wanting/needing to learn words as quickly as singleton babies. Anyway, Rocco says new words and short sentences every day now. Some of the funnier things he’ll say include:
* “Where’d Gabby go?” (or daddy or mommy)
* “Airplane! Airplane! Bye, bye airplane!”
* “No! Don’t DO that!” (He’ll say this when Dan is tickling Gabby, if we have to take something away from him or do something he doesn't want us to do.)
* “I want a sip!”
* "Tank you, momma!" (His version of "thank you"; always so good with his manners without any reminders.)

Rocco is great at identifing body parts, and he'll happily point out his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, shoulders, hands, fingers, belly, butt, knees, feet and toes.

Rocco's favorite toys now include balls, cars and trains. He seems to ALWAYS be carrying around one of these things. He is built like such a little athlete... and he's got the ball throwing skills to prove it!

Rocco has also amazed us in recent months with actually sitting and listening nicely when we read him a story. Granted... he doesn't sit long. But, he can usually make it through his favorite book about animals, and can now tell us what these animals say:
* Cow
* Doggy
* Horse
* Frog
* Ducky
* Kitty-cat
* Sheep
* Bumble Bee (Buzzzzzzzz)
* Birdy
* Butterfly (he'll wave his hands in the air and say "fly")
* Ghost (ok... so this isn't an animal... but he loves to say "Boo!")

Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

Gabby is loving pre-K and her new teachers. We've been working a lot with her on her letters... identifing them and knowing the sounds they make. Sometimes, we'll go through flashcards before bed with her and she will consistently only trip on a few letter sounds. She has become much more interested in coloring and drawing and painting. I think this has to do with the fact that Sarah (our au pair) will color with her for at least an hour straight on M, W, F's. Prior to this... Gabby would say "Let's color..." and then she would proceed to art direct and instruct you on the colors to use and what to color. Gabby also continues to enjoy helping me cook and back... she too likes to pour stuff into the bowl and stir.

Gabby is still obsessed with princesses. She has told us on numerous occasion that "Belle is my mommy and the Beast is my daddy". She can often be seen and heard, dancing through the house, singing the "Beauty & the Beast" theme song. She'll get this little sparkle in her eye and acts very princess-like while she's doing this. She's always dressing up in costume dresses... and loves to color in princess coloring books.

Gabby is also quite the fashionista. Only Gabby can choose her outfit for the day. If we try to choose her outfit, it begins a long and difficult battle that I don't choose to fight. She's also gotten into the habit of bringing an extra pair of shoes with her to school... glittery/sparkly/princess shoes. Interestingly enough, the teacher seems to be completely understanding of this fashion statement. Gabby is also still in gymnastics and started soccer in September.

The favorite cartoon these days seems to be old-school "Tom & Jerry". And the favorite game in the house is "get you" (involves Dan chasing the two of them through the house) and "hide & go seek". Rocco is definitely a great little hider! You'll often hear Gabby giggling... but Rocco will stay very quiet and still. Dan will also spend time wrestling Rocco... and Rocco gets VERY jealous if Gabby gets into the mix of it. It quickly brings back memories for both Dan & I about all the jealous moments you have to face and can't avoid with toys and/or attention when it comes to having multiples. So often throughout the day, one little guy would be crying due to the other little guy stealing a toy or getting to the mommies legs/lap first.

I asked Gabby she wanted to be for Halloween, and her answer was "I want to be Belle and Rocco is going to be the Beast". This of course only makes me wonder what costume she would have suggested for Matt.

The kids hug each other often. They get very excited to see each other when they've been apart. And, we couldn't be more proud or love them more. It just breaks our heart though not having Matteo here with us every day. It hurts to know that Gabby & Rocco aren't making memories WITH him anymore... and it is still almost BEYOND incredibly lonely to watch just the two of them playing together. And, even more painful to watch Rocco playing alone. It's still a sight I am just not used to seeing... and I'm not sure when I will get more comfortable with it. We're always missing our little dude. Always.

The weeks seem to fly by. Nights still seem to last way too long. And, I still dread nightfall. The 4th and 5th of every month suck... as I'm sure they always will. Every Saturday night stings with memories and thoughts of "I wish I would have...". Every Sunday morning is a bitter reminder of how many weeks it's been since I last saw my sweet baby... and everything we lost when he left us.

Rocco still points at Matteo's photos and says "buddy". He'll hold my Flip video camera up to me and say "buddy" when he wants to watch a video of him playing with Matt or of Matt alone.

Gabby and I always talk to Matt before we go to sleep at night... we tell him about our day and how much we miss him and wish he was still with us. We ask him to watch over us and keep us safe... such a big task for a little man. Our last words always seem to be "Goodnight Matatoe. We love you."

If I wake up during the night (which is often, since I'm very prego), it takes forever to fall back asleep because I instantly think of Matteo. I think of him immediately and see his face in my mind. I wish a million things in life were different and am haunted by the look on my sweet baby boy's face as Dan passed him to me in our doorway... without telling me he was dead... but me already knowing. And, I play that scene over and over in my head... probably close to 60 times a day.

I still cry when I go on walks by myself. I cry when I type blog posts like this. I cry when I look at the storage box filled with all of Matt's short little life of belongings, and proof that he existed. I cry in Dan's arms. It's my therapy. I spend lots of time looking at photos of him and have put his beautiful face everywhere throughout our home. I like to see his face often... I don't know why... perhaps it helps me feel he's still with us. I am still in a phase where I prefer to not really talk on the phone. I prefer to drive in the car with the radio off... I like it silent. So I can think.

I continue to find myself breaking down, crying at random moments every day. I still think of Matteo every single minute of the day. He is always front of mind. Always.

Super Soccer Kick!

Gabby started soccer back in September. She loves it!

What's even better is that her two best buddies from school are in her same soccer class.

It's been great for her and she looks forward to it every week. She runs right out and participates so well in all the running, kicking and games they play. And, she's got a super soccer kick for an almost 4 year old!

The kids don't have uniforms of any sort. But, they are required to wear shin guards. So, Gabby went with her daddy to pick out a special pair... in pink, of course. I have to admit I liked her color choice.. she looks super cute & sporty when she puts them on!

Here are a few photos from last weekend's soccer practice:


















Clearly... the coaches really exhaust the kids with all the fun:

3 Months. And, no answers.

Today marks three months.

Three months ago, we woke to discover Matteo Tate dead in his crib. He was just short of 18 months old. He was fighting a fever for the approximate 30 hours before his death.

I hoped with all my heart that we would have had an answer by now as to why Matt died. But, we don't. And, that I can assure you is a very, very difficult thing to swallow and understand. As his mother, it is gut-wrenching. It makes me physically ill at times. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me feel completely vulnerable to accidents of any sort, and death.

The really sucky part is that the coroner/Dr. J is about to close the case on Matteo's case. I’ve spoken with her twice in the past two weeks.

She went as far as sending Matt's organ/tissue samples to Stanford for review by a world-renowned pathologist. He agreed with her, in that every one of Matt’s organs (heart, lungs, brain, spleen, liver, kidney, etc.) looked very healthy. Matteo had slightly enlarged tonsils, indicative that he was fighting a virus of some sort. But, other than that, Matteo was a healthy little boy.

Ok... again... I don't understand. WHAT? Then, why on EARTH is our child dead? Someone explain this to me. Please. PLEASE?!

Three months of missing our little buddy. Three. Months. If you have asked me three months ago if I could go on living like this, I would have seriously doubted it. But, I have. We all have. And, we continue living. Every day. It's harder than hell... but we do it. For our two other children. For Baby Surprisette. For Matt. Without Matt. And, it sucks.

There are hundreds of known viruses. But, as we've learned in recent months... hospitals can only test for a handful of those viruses on living tissue and blood samples.

Apparently, the challenge can be far greater when it comes to running the same tests on post-mortem tissue. Some of the viruses/bacteria are nearly impossible to grow.

Of the tests the coroner was able to complete on Matteo, these are the results that have been shared with us:
• Pneumonia - negative
• Meningitis - negative
• Meningococal - negative
• H1N1 (Swine Flu) - negative
• Influenza - negative
• Dehydration – negative
• Myocarditis – no signs
• Anomalous left coronary artery – no signs
• Brain aneurism – no signs
• Febrile Seizure – no signs
• SIDS – completely ruled out, due to the fact Matt was over 1 year of age
• Toxicology report showed one item: Acetaminophen (Tylenol), of normal levels

Per our pediatrician’s suggestion after Rocco’s 5 day fever, we went ahead and had his blood drawn to test for mono/EBV. We’re still awaiting results. The first result was inconclusive, partly due to a lab error.

Then, I need to let the Dr. J know what the results are. If negative, she closes Matteo’s case. If positive, there may be another test the coroner’s lab does. There may not be.

Dr. J could not perform the EBV/mono test on Matteo due to the fact that the bacteria is next to impossible to grow from post-mortem tissue.

I also asked Dr. J again if she could guesstimate Matteo's time of death. It's difficult to do with absolute certainty, due to the fact that he was dead for hours before we discovered him. But, she estimates it was closer to the 10pm-12am hours on July 4th, versus the very early hours of July 5th.

It is beyond difficult to think that my sweet baby boy, died from a random virus that we can’t pinpoint. In today’s world of vaccines and hand washing… my child died from being sick. He had a fever. And, we had no way of knowing that this fever was different from any other he had experienced over his lifetime.

That’s hard to swallow.

It’s still hard to think I will never see him again. Never hold him again. Never smell him and snuggle with him again. Never see him playing with Rocco and Gabby again.

It beyond hurts.

People ask if it’s getting easier with time. People ask if it helps knowing another baby is on the way. And, I sometimes want to scream “NO!” at the top of my lungs and cry at what seems like such an insensitive comment/question. But, I don’t. I don’t because I know they have no way of understanding what we’ve gone through, or how we feel. There is no way they could truly know our loss. No possible way.

You can try to imagine what it’s like. Maybe you have a child around 18 months… or older, or younger. And, maybe you try to “imagine” not seeing them, holding them or hearing their precious little voice for 3 months. But in reality… you still get to do that every day. We don’t. We won’t again. Ever. Not with Matteo. He’s gone. Nobody and nothing can or will ever replace him. He’s our loss. Our big, huge, gigantic loss. We will never see his full potential… the great man he was supposed to grow up to be. We will never be witness to more of the crazy and fun twin antics between Matt and Rocco. We'll always look at Rocco and think and wonder what Matteo would have done, been, looked like.

You will never know quite how we feel unless you’ve experienced a loss like this.

24 Weeks and 6 Days

Baby Surprisette is now 24 weeks and 6 days along.

I've been able to feel her kick and move since 16 weeks, but until a few weeks ago, she seemed to be pretty mellow. She's now getting to be much more active and I'll often feel her moving around a lot after I eat or when I'm wide awake in the wee hours of the night.

There is SO much less activity in the belly with just one baby. With the twins... there was constant movement from 23 weeks on.

Gabby really enjoys feeling her move. She loves to put her hands on my belly and her ear up against my belly to try and listen for her sister. And, Rocco will even pat my belly and say "baby", instead of "belly".

This pregnancy has been such a subconcious part of my life for the past 12 weeks, ever since Matt died. But, it's becoming much more front-of-mind with her becoming more active, the protruding belly growth, and having complete strangers asking about the pregnancy.

With Gabby, my big cravings were anything with tomatoes and cheese (pizza, pastas, grilled cheese & tomato soup), dill pickles, broccoli, and choc chip cookies.

With the twins, I couldn't get enough meat, spicy food and had to have a donut almost every day

This baby has had me on numerous runs to get an M&M Blizzard from DQ, and I seem to always have a fresh batch of blueberry muffins available (with extra blueberries).

This baby has been a very good baby so far, not creating any added drama.

God is Snuggling Matatoe

During our stressful week with Rocco, there was one distinct sign our little Matt was with us.

It was the night Dan stayed with Matteo in the hospital. I was home, lying next to Gabby in bed, unable to sleep. I was so worried... and I felt like I was just waiting for news or a phone call from Dan.

Gabby was fast asleep. She was sleeping hard. Every so often, she'd even snore.

All of a sudden... she reached for my arm and said "Mommy?" I didn't respond because I could tell she was still sleeping. And, she said it again "Mommy?"

So I replied, "Yes, sweetheart?"

And she said "You know what? God and Matatoe are snuggling right now!"

And, that was it. She didn't say another thing and started snoring again shortly thereafter.

I couldn't believe it. This was crazy to me.

There I sat in the dark, wide awake, filled with worry and stressed about Rocco, grieving the loss of Matteo and replaying everything about our last two days with him. And, then Gabby says this to me, in her sleep.

I rolled over and I cried. I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t help but think and hope that little Matt was telling me something, once again, through his big sister. He wanted me to know he was ok.

I’ve never once told Gabby that God and Matteo snuggle in Heaven. Not because I wouldn’t like to believe it – I have just never thought to say something like that to her. Maybe another adult has created this beautiful image for her and she just happened to be dreaming about it that night, and happened to tell me about it in her sleep. I don’t know. It sure is quite a coincidence, if so.

My little angel… being snuggled… by God.

One VERY LONG Week

We had a really rough week, two weeks ago. Thinking about it exhausts me…

After a very normal and active Sunday, Rocco felt warm to me that night. He’s been cutting a lot of teeth… but he felt warmer than “teething” warm. I took his temperature around 6:30pm and it was 102.1. My first thought was “Great. Here we go… our first fever since Matteo’s death. Ok, we’ll get through this. It’s just a fever.”

But in reality, you’re parents to a child who died in his sleep after fighting a fever for 30 hours – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when his twin brother comes down with a fever 10 weeks after his twin died while fighting a fever – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when a cause of death has still not been determined, when blood samples have now been sent to a microbiologist to look deeper for any connections to some kind of viral or bacterial infection and when the coroner tells you that his organs all showed he was a very healthy little boy… well… a fever is not “just a fever”.

A fever now has the potential to be beyond scary and stressful. Every hour is filled with questioning and second guessing every move you make as a parent. And, the scariest part might just be that you know nighttime is coming. You know fevers are their worst at night. And, this child will want to sleep. And, you’ll get tired too.
And… one of your 17 month, 25 day old twin boys died 10 weeks earlier. He had a fever too. He died in his sleep. And, you found him dead, in his crib the next morning when you went in to calm his crying twin brother.

Now every hour of every day for the rest of your life… you kick yourself, you’re angry with yourself and you WISH and wonder why you didn’t do a million things differently that last night with him. You replay every last thing you did with him and the last moments you spent with him. A million times a day. You wonder how the hell your sweet baby could have died, when one month earlier, he was much sicker, fighting a similar fever, but acting completely lethargic for two straight days. You wonder how he could have died when he had fought numerous fevers, night and day, throughout the winter months. You wonder why he was taken from you. You feel like he was stolen.

And all you have are sweet memories and photos of him. And, your heart has never hurt more and you cry every day, more than you’re ever cried in your entire life. And, you’re sad. You’re lonely and you’ve never missed ANYTHING so much. Ever.
You completely lose any fear you, yourself had of dying… because that will be when you reunite with your sweet baby again.

THAT is what a fever is now… for us, anyway.

So, we paged our pediatrician Sunday night because Rocco also had some little red dots on his upper arms and around his neck. Dr. O was great… and he said he’d like us to meet him at his office. Apparently, the dots were heat-rash related. We were to keep giving him Motrin/Tylenol as needed, bathe him and call Dr. O in the morning if the fever got worse.

Rocco kept the fever through the night, but it stayed 102 or below with regular doses of Tylenol. Monday morning started with a very low fever so I thought (hoped!) that maybe it was teething after all. However, when he went from active and happy to clinging to mommy, acting tired, sick, and feeling crazy-hot to the touch in the matter of a half hour… I knew this wasn’t good. At 11:15am, his fever was 104.2. I gave him Tylenol and called the Dr. O. We were told to bring him in right away, which we did. His fever was still climbing (104.5), so they gave him a high dose of Motrin. And we of course raised a million concerns… “but this is too similar to Matteo… fast/high fever?” I almost felt bad for Dr. O or any doctor that day, because all we really wanted was for him/them to say was “Matt died of X. This is completely unrelated to what Rocco has, which is Z.” But, of course, that was impossible.

So, we were sent to the hospital to get Rocco’s blood drawn. And, we were given a prescription for TamiFlu, just in case this was H1N1-related.
Dr. O called us about two hours later to let us know Rocco’s white blood cell counts were elevated, indicating he wasn’t just fighting a flu virus. There was something else, possibly an infection of some sort. Dan took this call and I of course lost it. I broke down crying. My heart was in my throat.

We were then sent to the ER with a referral, to help speed the process of getting us seen quickly. While in the ER, we experienced two more fever spikes of 104. In hearing our history of Rocco’s twin dying 10 weeks prior, after having a fast, high fever history… none of the physicians felt comfortable sending us home. They wanted to keep Rocco for observation, wait for more of the lab tests to come back, and monitor him for cardiac or apnea issues throughout the night. We were finally admitted to a room at 9:15pm. Dan spent the night in the hospital with Rocco. I went home… and wow, that was incredibly difficult to do.

Gabby couldn’t understand why her brother was not coming home. “But Mommy, I want to play with him still. I love him. He’s going to come back, right?” It broke my heart. And, I couldn’t help but cry while trying to reassure her (and myself) that everything would be ok and “Yes, he is absolutely coming home to us.” Neither Dan nor I slept much that night.

Rocco was discharged Tuesday morning. No apnea or cardiac issues were discovered throughout the night. He ran a fever throughout the night but was finally responding well to the medications. He tested negative for 7 viruses they are able to test for (out of the 100’s that exist).

At home on Tuesday, his fever continued and ended up climbing to 104 by 8:30pm. Dr. O had us go back into his office around 5pm when I reported Rocco to be having some difficulty breathing. He was then diagnosed with bronchitis in addition to whatever illness he was fighting. Dr. O decided to call us every hour for a few hours that night – which I couldn’t have been more appreciative of. Finally around 10:30pm, his fever went below 102. This is after taking higher doses of the Tylenol, as recommended by Dr. O.

I decided to pull an all nighter so I could check on Rocco every half hour. There was NO WAY I could sleep, after losing Matt in his sleep while he had a fever. Rocco was FINALLY cool to the touch from 12:30am – 2:45am, and I was celebrating in my head. But, at 3am, he was feeling warm again. At 3:30am, he woke up crying, I went to get him, he threw up on me, and he was extremely hot. Again – fever of 104. I woke Dan up so I could clean up the puke and change clothes. Dan gave Rocco Tylenol and brought him to the ER. By the time they got there – Rocco’s fever was 105. They gave him Motrin right away, did chest x-rays, ran some more blood tests, and paged Dr. O.

Dan and Rocco got home from the ER around 9am. Still – no answers. I had slept for maybe one hour after Dan took over. Dan, was exhausted. This sucked.

Rocco’s fever continued throughout Wednesday, but never hit over 102.8. He had a normal temp by 7:30pm, and his fever didn’t hit over 100 throughout the night. On Thursday, it was 100 at 8:20am, but came down right away after giving him Tylenol and that was the last of it.

To say it was an exhausting, stressful week doesn’t even crack the surface.
We felt lucky to have a pediatrician who spent a LOT of time working for us that week. Dr. O called us more than we called him - we were so appreciative.
The question remains – what caused this?

Dr. O’s wife who is an RN called to confirm on Monday of last week that Rocco’s H1N1 test results were negative. But, she also told us they would like to test Rocco for mono. She asked if Matteo’s blood was tested for EBV/mono. I was pretty sure the answer was no – but would call the coroner to find out. She said that in small children, mono can be subclinical for 2 months. She also said that in small children, mono typically presents with high fevers and not so much the exhaustion that adolescents experience. She also mentioned that mono does have the potential to cause death in small children. And, with the timing of Matteo’s death… we agreed that this was something we needed to test for. (Please note – this is my recount of the discussion. If you have questions – ask your MD.).

I called the coroner and left a vmail. I called her again the next day and left another vmail. She finally called back and could not confirm that they did test for EBV/mono so she had to call the lab. I have a feeling they didn’t initially test for it, but we’ll see. I talked with the coroner for a while that day. It brought lots of horrible memories, and emotions back to the surface.

I still can’t believe Matt’s gone. It’s been 12 weeks and I miss him more than anything. And, it sucks beyond SUCKS still not knowing why he died. I need to know why he died. I just hope we get answers some day.

Dan and I eventually caught up on our sleep. Rocco is healthy. Gabby is healthy. Baby Surprisette is kicking and moving around a lot more in recent weeks.

And, at this rate… baby Surprisette is sure to be an adrenaline junky and non-sleeper.

All photos in this post are of Gabby smothering Rocco with love that week. SO cute...

11 Weeks

It's been 11 weeks now since we last saw Matteo alive. Eleven. Weeks. Eleven LONG weeks.

Life keeps going on... and on and on. And, we still miss our little dude. We miss everything about him. It still feels like a knife is going right through my heart every minute of the day... every minute I think about him. Every minute I miss him.

Every minute of every day for eleven weeks.

I miss hearing his precious voice. I miss snuggling with him every day. I miss his wild, curly, golden hair. I miss his chubby feet. I miss his huge brown eyes. I miss him burrowing his head into my shoulder when someone would get close to us or try and take him out of my arms. I miss him and Rocco fighting over me. I miss hearing him say "momma, momma, momma!" I miss EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. I miss it all...

I watch this video often.
(Again, to turn off the music on this site, click pause "" on the playlist.com box. Just scroll down a bit and you'll see it in the right sidebar.)


And, this is one of the last 10 videos we took of him. It was filmed in June when he started going from only liking to watch Diego, to watching and singing along to the theme song for Dora.

Rocco's First Kiss

Back in July... about two weeks after Matteo died, some good friends came to visit us.

We took the kids to the park, went out for lunch, the kids took baths and watched a movie with popcorn and we built a big nest for them on the floor.

And, Rocco had his first kiss... with Miss Gianna Bella. She is about 6 months younger than Gabby, but I think Rocco had quite the crush while she was here.

Matteo was more of the ladies man... always aware when a little girl was around him. Always quick to pick up a toy and share it with her. Rocco never showed much interest in the little ladies before this.

But, I got a great photo - so I had to share.

Summer Pool Fun

We ended the summer with lots of trips to the pool. LOTS!

Gabby and Rocco both love the water... so it is always a fun activity to do as a family. Just a tad bit exhausting as Rocco has no fear in the water and literally just dives in and will float with his face down and giving a few leg kicks until you pick him up out of the water. Only to dive in immediately and do it again. He looks like a frog floating in the water and you have to watch him like a hawk.

Gabby has turned into such a great little swimmer. She swims wonderfully with her face down in the water, but we need to work on getting her to also swim with her head ABOVE the water so she can breathe while swimming. Needless to say, she is fine swimming in the shallow end, so she can come up for air by simply putting her feet on the ground. But, we still need to wear the swimmy arms if she wants to wander into the deep end freely. She continues on in swimming lessons and is doing so great, loving it and learning so much.

Rocco, Gabby & gymnastics

Rocco has started gymnastics!

The original plan was for me to enroll both Rocco & Matteo in September. Matteo would have really LOVED it. And, I would have SO loved to see him enjoying it too. But, instead... Rocco started the "Tumble With Your Tot" class solo in August. Both his and Gabby's class begins at the same time, which is convenient.

Gabby recently moved up a level, and she really enjoys it. There is more focus on coordination type skills, more time spent on the beam and bars, and more energy put towards having the kids learn/do certain tumbling skills correctly... not just flopping through the motions. Gabby really likes the challenges of her new class and was thrilled that a friend she made at gymnastics also joined her in the move to this class.

Rocco thinks the gym is fabulous. His class is 45 mins long and consists of 15 minutes to do whatever he wants (bar, beam, trampoline, floor, ropes, mats... whatever), 5 minutes of circle-time stretching, ~10 minutes of obstacle courses, ~10 minutes of tunnels, balls and hula hoops, ~5 minutes to jump in the pit, then the goodbye song, stamps & paper. On the first day, I couldn't get Rocco to focus on anything... he spent the entire class running everywhere and testing everything out as quickly as he could. I was exhausted at the end and probably sweating more than him!

During the second class, Rocco actually sat in circle time for an entire minute before running off out of the circle (while all the other kids sat stretching nicely, of course). And, during the third class, he actually did 3 minutes of stretching with the other kids before running off. By the third class he also followed the kids ahead of him through the obstacle course nicely instead of trying to zip by them, go around them, or run off to do something else entirely. His focus seems to get better with each class. I think the enormous gym just really excited this little guy!

During class, Gabby will often wave and yell a "Hi Rocco! Hi mommy!", which is cute. And, I often have to catch Rocco from running over to Gabby... he'll point and say "Babby!"

I find myself wondering what Matteo would have liked best about the class. I wonder if he would have followed Rocco around while laughing, knowing they were making me chase them both. Or, if he would have had more focus from the start. I imagine he would have enjoyed the circle time stretching and the obstacle course. I think he would have also clung to me quite a bit and would have been a bit bothered every time I had to run off to chase Rocco.

I'll always wonder... no matter what we do. I'll always wonder what Matteo would have done.

Now this is EXCITEMENT!

Gabby and Rocco get so excited when they know we're going to GG.

This video is a sampling of the excitement during the car ride there. To turn off the music on this blog site so you can hear the video, simply click on the pause button () on the playlist (right side bar, scroll down a bit, under the header "playlist.com").

Our New Abnormal "Normal"

My mom (Gammy) recently visited and it was great to see her. The kids LOVE her visits and they really enjoyed spending time with her, as always.

I think my mom needed to come out for some extra hugs. She needed to see us, and know that we're "kind of" ok... even though our world is quite broken right now. We were so appreciative of her taking the time to visit us, and this extra time with her.

It's such a crazy, broken, messed-up time in our lives. So, I almost feel sorry for anyone who comes over to visit us. There is a sad element that constantly lingers over my shoulder. It's just there. It is constant. And, I think that's ok for right now. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning how to manage it. Dan is much better at compartmentalizing it than I am. I'm sure I'll get there at some point... I'm just not there yet.

I know I'm not the person that I once was. I'm different right now... different and changing. I know for a fact that I probably couldn't appreciate every single moment with my kids more than I do right now. And, they're my main focus in life. They are what gets me out of bed in the morning. They're the reason life isn't completely unbearable right now.

Through all of this, we've been lucky to have had so many people reach out to us and let us know they care. The thoughtfulness and generousity shown by so many has been both heartwarming and amazing. At times, I can feel the hugs and tears being shared. We have a stack of cards. We have a stack of heartfelt letters. We have a stack of comforting emails I've printed. I could go on and on and on... from the books that have been sent to us, the keepsakes, the contributions to Matteo's Memorial Fund, and the list goes on and on. So many people have taken the time to make and bring us dinner, send or bring us frozen dinners, and we've even had people from out-of-state order take-out food for us and have it delivered. Totally unbelieveable. Dan and I have been in complete awe of the generousity and kindness shown by so many. In. Awe. I often think that Dan & I would have easily not eaten for weeks on end had it not been for those gifted dinners.

Obviously... we would do ANYTHING... absolutely ANYTHING to not be on the receiving end of such generousity and thoughtfulness. And, that is sometimes difficult to deal with too. You're so incredibly and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and generousity... but at the same time you hate it. You wish with all of your heart that you weren't having to be in this position... on the receiving end, that is. All I REALLY want is my baby back. I WANT MATT BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING.

But, I know I need the hugs. I know we need the love. I know we need the beautiful letters and heartfelt words people share with us. We need it. It helps us. To know people care and that they want to help us during this horrific time in our lives. We like to know people remember Matt and will keep him in their hearts. Always and forever.

People stop by or come over... and it often includes tears. I've even cried to our house cleaners, who were always entertained by the twins. I cried when talking to the nice man who came over to fix our blinds when he expressed his sympathies and had tears in his eyes.

Or, I'll be out in public... talking with a perfect stranger or someone who has maybe just seen me in passing a few times. I've cried when first meeting people at the pool... when they innocently ask "where's his twin?" and I go on to share our story. I've cried when leaving the grocery store... after the checkout lady sees me with Gabby, asks how my twins are doing, and congratulates me on the new baby and comments on how busy my life will soon be. If only she knew of our loss. I just feel so messy inside sometimes.

We've tried to slowly work ourselves back into having friends over. That's been hard too. But, for different reasons. We have had a few good friends over... and there is always something just MISSING. He's missing. It's a constant thought in my head. Matt is missing. Forever.

He should be here. He should be having fun too. He should be playing with the other little kids like he always did. It hurts to know his brother, sister and their friends are having fun, living life... and he's not. It hurts like hell and I know it always will.

I feel like sometimes I wear a mask. I try to act happier than I am. I try to hide my sadness or not think about it when people are here. And, I know that is something I will just need to learn to live with too. I will have to learn how to manage it. How to deal with it. And, I'm sure I will. It will just take time.

And, sometimes I am genuinely happy. Sometimes, I am truly enjoying the time I'm spending with my family or a conversation with someone or even a good, hard laugh. And, during those times... I AM happy. But, even when I'm laughing... I am still thinking of him. Always. And, I know it's good that I can laugh again... I appreciate that I can truly laugh and feel happy in certain moments again without completely faking it. But, he's always right there... in my thoughts. Always.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see a set of young twins with a proud mommy & daddy. Sometimes it is hard to hear and talk about kids going to their first days of school... and know that Matteo will never experience that. It's hard to hear and talk about Rocco's "firsts", or other kids "firsts", knowing that Matteo's "firsts" have ended.

But, I do and I have to... because that is life. And, life goes on. Life goes on for Gabby... for Rocco... for Dan... for me... for baby Surprisette... for everyone. And, I enjoy talking about Rocco's firsts and hearing about my friend's or brother's kids "firsts" and what is going on in everyone's lives. We can't just slip out and watch from the sidelines. We have to keep playing this game of life.

I'm expecting it to get easier as time passes. I hear it gets easier. The pain of losing Matteo will never go away. It will just be a pain that becomes very familiar... a pain that I learn to live with and manage. When other people aren't thinking about it... I will be. Always. Maybe it just won't sting as much? I don't know yet...

It's our sucky, new, abnormal, "normal" life. We don't have any other choice but to live it.

I just have make sure I give my kiddos the best possible life I can. Or, the "bestest"... as Gabby would say.

Our New Au Pair

This is a photo of our new au pair, Sarah, with the kids. She joins us from Germany and has been here since August 14th. She has been such a welcome member of our household... so helpful with cleaning up around the house and doing laundry. Sometimes, I think she has a little bit of me in her in that she can't seem to sit down either! Always likes to be doing something.

The kids have really taken to Sarah quickly too. She plays so nicely with Gabby and Rocco, even when she is not technically "working". She will color and play dolls with Gabby for hours, and Gabby just loves that. And, Rocco seems to becoming quite her little buddy. He always greets her with a "Hi Sarah!" when he first sees her in the morning. He often likes to sit and eat breakfast with her. And, she spends time playing blocks with him and takes him to the park every single day.

It seems to be a very good fit for all. Sarah will be with us until August of 2010.

First Official Day of Pre-K

Gabby started her first official day of Pre-Kindergarten on 8/25.
She was very proud to be in "Pre-K"... and seemed to be well aware of the fact that she was moving on & up from her "Older Preschool" classroom. She picked her outfit that day, as she does on most days. Since mid-February 2008, Gabby had been going to preschool two days a week, for the full day. At the time, she was 27 months old and in desperate need of overcoming some separation anxiety from mommy. And, mommy was also in need of some special time to just devote to the two little boys who joined our lives in January 2008.

It took almost 2 months for Gabby to not cry when we would drop her off. Gosh... that was so hard! But, it really paid off as she gained so much self-confidence and her social skills of being comfortable with other kids and adults skyrocketed. And, she made some REALLY great little friends.

Thankfully, three of her best friends from school have moved into her Pre-K classroom with her. And, I really like her Pre-K teachers... they're so on the ball, quick and interactive with the kids. Gabby seems to really like them as well.

While we had planned for Gabby to start going to school 3 days/week when she moved to the new classroom. The plan changed after Matteo died.

Rocco was SO used to always having his best friend around to play with him whether he liked it or not. Rocco and Matteo were ALWAYS together. Well, in the weeks since Matt died... Rocco has really become close with Gabby and has relied upon her as a playmate more than he ever has. So, to assist him with the transition of no longer having a constant companion, we decided it would be best to keep Gabby home 3 days/week until January, when baby Surprisette arrives.

Then, when I go back to work after maternity leave... we'll start Rocco in preschool 2 days/week because he REALLY enjoys playing with other kids and will be more than ready for the school-type of structure in his life. Matter-of-fact... we now always bring Rocco with us to pick Gabby up from school so he can run and play with Gabby's friends for a little bit on the playground. He just loves it!

GG Petting Zoo Fun...

We've been visiting Gilroy Gardens a lot in the past few weeks. It's an amusement park with rides, water parks, a fabulous petting zoo with pony rides, beautiful gardens (which we have yet to tour or walk through), and lots of other activites for the kids.

We purchased season passes two days before Matteo died. We visited the park for the first time as a family two days before Matteo died. And, we had planned to visit many more times as a family.

The first visit after Matteo died really sucked. It was difficult to not constantly replay in my head what he liked, that he first showed signs of a fever while we were at the park, and how he didn't want to leave the playground with all the cool slides when it was time to go home. I literally had to peel him off the slides even though he was sick.

The kids love GG. And, aside from the half hour drive there... Dan and I enjoy going there too. My mom (Gammy) was visiting last week so we brought her along with us so she could get a sampling of the excitement and fun. We also met up with my friend, Kathleen and her girls and husband.

Gammy took lots of photos of all the petting zoo fun which I've posted here. If you ask me... Gabby should live on a farm. She did such a great job picking up and holding the chickens so gently. She wasn't scared of them one bit and was really very kind and gentle with all the animals. Rocco absolutely LOVED feeding the goats. He couldn't get enough of them eating food out of his hands. And, after he saw Gabby pick up chickens... he couldn't stop attempting to pick up the smaller goats. It was fun to watch.

I can't help but wonder what Matteo would have enjoyed the most. I know he would have been absolutely thrilled to feed the goats. And, I imagine he would have screamed his "Wowwowoow" when petting them and while also saying "goat.... goat.... goat". I so wish my little angel could have been with us during this visit.

Signs

Before Matteo died, I had an unbiased opinion regarding paranormal experiences. I always found it both interesting and kind of scary to hear stories from other people. I always wanted to believe that people really do have a sixth sense, but they have to be open to it. I always wanted to believe that children have an uncanny ability to see/hear/feel things that adults do not, because they don’t fear the things adults do. And, they are naturally unbiased. I also wanted to believe that when a loved one dies… they have a strange ability to somehow communicate with you and let you know they’re still with you.

Then, Matteo died.

For 8+ weeks, I have been contemplating sharing some of my stories in this forum, of signs that Matteo is still with us. But, after last night, I feel compelled to share a few of the odd things that have happened to me/us. I think Matteo has been hard at work… randomly giving us signs that he is still here with us.

THE FIRST SIGN:
The date was July 13th. It was two nights after Matteo’s funeral. I can’t recall the exact time, but it was probably in the 10 o’clock hour. My parents were sitting in the TV room, watching TV. Dan was working late. It was dark outside. No wind… it was a normal, calm, warm summer evening. I was walking around the house putting stuff away. As I was walking through the dark kitchen, I saw in the corner of my eye a bright red light outside our back door. I remember stopping, thinking that was really strange… and wondering where this red light was coming from. So, I reversed. It wasn’t there anymore. I was curious though. So, I walked out the back door and looked in the direction of where the light came from. There sat this crazy zebra horse that Matteo just LOVED. Every single time Matteo walked out the back door, the first toy he would gravitate towards was the crazy zebra horse. So, I walked over to the zebra horse, and I touched it. I wanted to see if it would light-up again. It didn’t. I then patted it on the back. It still didn’t light up. Then, I shook it. It lit up. And there was that bright red light I saw. Sure enough. I got goose bumps from head to toe. Literally.

I knew it was Matteo. He did this. I think he was trying to tell me he was ok and he was happy.

Never before had I ever seen this toy light up by itself. And since that night, I have not seen this toy light up again by itself.



THE SECOND SIGN:
The date was July 20th. It had been 2 weeks and 2 days since I last held Matteo in my arms. I was really lonely for him. I couldn’t sleep. It was late. Everyone was sleeping. I was downstairs, by myself, watching the E! channel on TV, sitting on the sofa with my laptop. I missed Matteo so much that I decided I was going to watch all the videos I had posted of him on the blog. I just wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to see his wiggle. So, I turned off the TV and threw the remote an arm’s length away from me on the sofa. I just watched and listened to Matteo. I felt so close to him by doing this. Of course, I was also crying and wiping tears from my eyes. To say I was missing him is such an understatement… just so sad and hurting.

Then, I heard a click from the TV. The TV turned on. By itself. BY. ITSELF. And, what’s even stranger is that it turned on to a sports channel. There I sat, by myself, in a dark room with Matteo’s videos playing on my laptop. And, the TV turns on by itself to a baseball game on channel. Have I mentioned before that Matt would actually sit with Dan and watch baseball?

I was scared to move. Seriously. I looked to my right to make sure the remote control was still sitting there. Yup. There it was. The remote hadn’t moved. And, I wasn’t sitting on it. I literally said out loud “Matteo, you’re scaring mommy.”

I continued to sit on the sofa. I was afraid to move. Afraid to get up. Afraid to turn the TV off. But, I KNEW Matteo was there with me. I was practically channeling the kid. And, then he tosses me this big ‘ol sign that he was there with me… and it freaks me out.

It still warms my heart to think about that moment. It was simply the strangest thing that had ever happened to me. And, I just knew… with my whole heart, that it was Matteo who turned that TV on.

We’ve owned this TV for 3 years. Neither Dan, nor I have ever seen it turn on by itself. We’ve never come downstairs in the morning to discover the TV being on. And, it has not turned on by itself since then.



A THIRD SIGN:
It was a Sunday morning and exactly 6 weeks since we discovered Matteo dead in his crib. I woke up at 4:45am and felt this crazy urge to go and check on Rocco. My mind was telling me I had to go check on him. What if something was wrong? What if something happened to him in his sleep. I sat there… thinking. My heart was racing. I was having trouble breathing. What if I go check on him and something is wrong? I was so scared, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to see or experience anything so awful again in my life. My mind was racing. He’s ok. He’s ok. Your mind is playing tricks on you, Jodi. Calm down. I must have been laying there talking to myself for at least 10-15 minutes. Frozen. Scared to move. Scared to check on Rocco. But, not able to sleep again unless I was going to get up and check on Rocco and make sure the same tragedy hadn’t happened to him.

Gabby suddenly woke up. It was just after 5am. She popped up, wide awake and she leaned over and kissed my forehead. She said “Mommy, Matteo told me I needed to kiss you.” She kissed me again. She said “You get two kisses from Matteo.” He told me to tell you that he’s watching over us. We’re safe. He’s keeping us safe and everything is going to be ok. He loves us and he’s still with us.”

Tears started running from my eyes. I asked Gabby “How do you know Matteo said this, Gabby?” She said “Because he just visited me in my dream and told me to tell you that.”

I hugged Gabby so tight. She immediately fell back asleep without any tossing or turning. It was the strangest thing. But, my heart stopped racing. I stopped worrying. And, I truly believe he communicated to me through Gabby that morning. And, based on things she’ll tell me when she wakes up… I’d be willing to bet that Matteo visits her frequently in her dreams.



A FOURTH SIGN:
Dan had just gone to bed a half hour earlier. He stayed up late working and to check on Rocco, because Rocco had a cold and was having a tough time breathing. It was a little after 1am on Thursday, September 3rd.

The fire alarms throughout the house go off. Every single fire alarm in the house goes off simultaneously. Dan and I both jump out of bed. We’re freaked. Amazingly, Gabby is still sleeping . My mom (visiting at the time) is still sleeping. Rocco is still sleeping and Sarah, our new au pair, is still sleeping. Dan rushes around the upstairs seeing if there is smoke/fire anywhere. I run downstairs, in search of smoke/fire. Nothing. No smoke. No fire.

Kids are awake now. My mom and Sarah are also now awake.

I grab the kids, take them outside, wrap them in blankets, and hold them. They’re confused. We’re now outside the house and we can still hear our house loudly beeping. It’s so loud that I feel like it’s echoing throughout the neighborhood.

Dan is frantically trying to turn the alarms off. On any other occasion when one or all of our fire alarms have gone off (which I could count on one hand, mind you, and we’ve lived in this house for 7 years), you simply press and hold the button on any of the alarms going off for 3 seconds and it will turn the alarm(s) off. Dan is going from room to room doing just this. Nothing is working. He decides to cut power to the house. The house goes black. The alarms stop. He turns the power back on and the alarms all start sounding again. He goes throughout the house removing all the batteries from each and every one of the fire alarms. They’re still loudly beeping. Then, he kills the power throughout the house again. And at least 15 minutes (if not more) after the start of this… the alarms FINALLY stop. FINALLY.

My ears were still ringing. All I could think was… Matteo. He did this. The kid loved fire trucks.

So, I talk Dan into calling the fire department just to make sure we’re not missing something. We haven’t exactly been free of unexpected and uncommon events in our life for the past 8+ weeks.

I rock Rocco back to sleep with a bottle when the fire department arrives. My mom is reading to Gabby. Rocco is sleeping in my arms, drinking his milk, and reaching his open hand out to touch something in front of him. And, I sit there thinking… Matteo? Are you here with us? Did you do this tonight? Can Rocco see/feel your little face right now?

The fire department leaves. No signs of any electrical, smoke, fire or gas issues. They tell Dan we might just have one faulty alarm that set the entire system off.

How strange that this has never happened before? How strange that this happened shortly after 1am… during the timeframe that I am so sure Matteo died? There are so many odd/strange dreams or things happening during this crazy timeframe at night.

Sure. One could probably find some sort of explanation for most of these things. Perhaps there was a little animal that jumped onto Matteo’s zebra horse toy. Perhaps, there was some strange static energy in the house that made the TV turn on by itself. Maybe Gabby’s dream and the time she woke up to tell me Matteo’s message was pure coincidence with a time I was so scared. Perhaps we have a faulty fire alarm system… and it’s just coincidence that it happened to go off in the middle of the night… during the hours I feel Matteo died, 8+ weeks after he died.

It’s all what you allow yourself to believe, I guess.

Do you believe in paranormal experiences or a sixth sense? Again… feel free to share your personal stories in the comments. I would love to read them... as would other followers, I'm sure.

A Sixth Sense?

A Sixth Sense?

I probably wouldn't have put money on it 9 weeks ago. But, I'd put money on it today.

**** THE NIGHT BEFORE ****
On Matteo’s last day of life, July 4th, I spent most of my day snuggling up to him and taking care of him. He spent some time playing with Rocco and Gabby sporadically throughout the day as he normally did… but not as much as normal. It was obvious he wasn’t feeling well. He preferred to spend the day snuggled up to me and watching his two favorite shows, “Go Diego, Go!” and “Dora”.

In the late afternoon, Dan took Gabby and Rocco to the grocery store. I was about to sit down and snuggle up with Matt again… and decided I’d grab a light read off the book shelf so I could be entertained while watching the same TV shows over again. We have bookshelves full of books… and for some random reason, I ended up picking “The Gift”, a Danielle Steel book that my mom gave me (with a bag full of other books) about 5 or 6 years ago. The last time I read a D. Steel book was probably 6 years ago… and I was expecting an easy-read love story. Not a tragedy.

So, I started reading this book while snuggled up to Matt. The story was about a married couple who tried for years to have a baby. They eventually had a son. After 10 more years of trying, they were blessed with another child - a girl. They were a happy family. And, it’s quite possible the parents cherished their children more than some parents do, partly due to how their kids did not come easy to them. I could relate to this.

So, I kept reading.

When the little girl was 5 years old, she became sick with a fever right around the Christmas holiday. But, she was still playing with her brother and her family and enjoying everything families do around the holidays.

Then, I put the book down because Dan arrived home with the kids and it got crazy in the house.

Later that night, probably somewhere in the 11o’clock hour, I got into bed and started reading “The Gift” again. The little girl couldn’t shake her fever. On the third morning of her fever, her parents knew she was incredibly ill because she was non-responsive and had shallow breathing. They ended up bringing her to the hospital, where she ended up dying of meningitis.

After reading that… I kid you not - I felt sick. I remember wondering how horrible I would feel if I were that parent. I even went as far as worrying myself with the concern of “what if Matteo would die of meningitis? Is that why he has this fever?” Honestly. I pondered this in my head as I laid there in bed. But, I talked myself out of even imagining the slightest possibility that my child could die. None of my children would die after just having a fever. They were sick all winter. Matteo was far sicker when he was diagnosed with hand, foot & mouth disease in May… he was lethargic that weekend. He was playing tonight. Matteo will be fine in the morning. He’ll sleep it off… just like Dan said.

For some reason, I decided to pray to God that night. I told God that Matteo was sick with a 104.3 fever, he wasn’t feeling good, and that he didn’t deserve to be sick anymore. I needed God to make Matt better fast. I honestly wonder every single day if that is when God took him from us. If so, it would have been shortly after midnight.

My gut tells me that Matteo died in the hours of 1-3am. There are many strange things happening to me during those hours. Whether it’s while I’m awake or attempting to sleep, or being woken up. But, I won’t get into those details here.

**** DAN'S DISCOVERY ****
The clock read 5:09am. Rocco was crying. I heard Dan get up and start walking towards the twins bedroom. I decided to get up at the same time to use the bathroom.

Dan rocked Rocco for a minute or two and got him to fall back asleep. He put him back down in the crib. Then, Dan walked over to Matteo’s crib to check on him because he said it seemed “eerily quiet” in that corner of the room. He said something just didn’t feel right. It was too quiet. He went over to Matteo. He touched him. And, he knew. He said it was as if he found something he wasn’t supposed to be finding. As if he discovered something that he wasn’t supposed to discover and that he shouldn't have found what he was finding. He picked Matteo up quickly and walked towards our bedroom.

The clock read 5:12am and I was walking towards our bedroom door and I heard Dan say “Jodi”. He didn’t scream my name. He didn’t whisper it. It didn’t sound like a total emergency. It sounded like a heightened whisper - but almost breathless. Thinking back, the sound of him saying my voice sounded like “Holy shit… holy shit… Tell me this is not true. I can’t believe what I’ve discovered.” When I heard his voice, I could tell he was trying not to yell so he wouldn’t wake the other kids. But, I also knew something was wrong. I knew it had to do with Matteo. I knew his calling my name was urgent. And, I knew he was worried beyond what was imaginable. All from hearing him say “Jodi”… which I now here over, and over every single day… especially at night.

Dan was rushing down the hall with Matteo in his arms. Immediately when he said “Jodi”, I knew something was awfully wrong. I started crying, running towards the bedroom door and yelling back at him “WHAT?!” I KNEW.

I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong. I knew it was Matteo. I knew he was dead when Dan handed Matt to me. I didn’t even have to hold my precious little baby. I just looked at his face and I grabbed him from Dan and put him on my shoulder and started screaming “My baby is dead! Oh God, oh God! Matteo is dead! Call 911! Call 911, Dan!”

And that is how the worst morning of our lives started. I replay the details of this morning over in my head… probably 100 times a day. These memories haunt me at night. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can’t fall back asleep because I replay this over and over in my head.

Play, rewind, repeat.

**** COINCIDENCE? OR SIXTH SENSE? ****
I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that I just happened to start reading “The Gift” on July 4th. I haven’t picked the book up since. I hate that book right now. Hate it. I’m angry with the book and so many other things.

I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that Dan felt it was eerily quiet in Matt’s corner of the room. Why did he feel the urge to check on him? Was it so I wouldn’t have to discover Matteo dead in his crib? Was it to save me from that memory/pain? On most any other morning, if one twin was still sleeping and quiet after one had woken up and went back to sleep… you’d go right back to bed without checking on the other little guy. Quiet baby used to = good. Now quiet baby = scary.

And, finally, I wonder how the hell I knew it was Matteo. How did I know from hearing Dan call my name in a heightened whisper of a voice, that Matteo was dead? How would ANY mother just KNOW something like that? Something so awful and unbearable… and my mind went there. Instantly. I knew. I knew our f*&$ing nightmare had begun. In that instant. I knew.

Is it a sixth sense, or is it mere coincidence?

Today I know what I’d put my money on.

Feel free to share your own "sixth sense" stories in the comments.

Rocco's Surgery

Rocco's surgery last week was successful. No complications.

This photo shows him clearly enjoying his "calming" drugs.

We had brought him in to our pediatrician a week and a half before Matteo died, because one of his man parts was quite enlarged. We were told he probably experienced some sort of trauma to the area... and it looked like it was just fluid build-up. Rocco didn't seem bothered by any pain. So, if it didn't go away in a week or two, or if he started acting like it was painful, we were to go back in.

Two days after Matteo died, we ended up bringing Rocco back in to our pediatrician because the swelling had gotten worse. And, he was also acting like it was bothering him. But, in hindsight... EVERYTHING bothered him that week. He was such an unhappy little boy after Matteo died.

We were referred to a fabulous surgeon, Dr. H (from the hospital I work for) on the same day. He knew exactly what the problem was and said we didn't have to schedule surgery right away... that it could wait. He knew about Matteo's death and was very sensitive to my emotional state at the time. He had made a special trip down from Palo Alto to see us, DURING the lunch hour and was very generous with his time. He also listened/talked for a while with us about Matteo's death. We were so thankful for his kindness and compassion towards us.

Without going into too much detail... Rocco was suffering from an issue that occured most likely due to him being premature. When a baby leaves the womb, some things do not continue to develop as they would in the womb. Some development just stops.

So, the problem was corrected. And, actually... they ended up fixing two hernias. Poor little guy! Our surgeon, Dr. H, rocked. He was wonderful. He spent time talking with me before the surgery and lots of time talking after the surgery. We also talked more about Matteo's death and he told me he ended up checking in on his 10 year old daughter twice during the night before, because she was sick. Then, he called the next morning to make sure all was ok.

Rocco was in a LOT of pain after the surgery. He stuck to me like glue and wouldn't let me put him down. So, we watched lots of Tom & Jerry... drank juice, milk, ate crackers, and napped together. The poor little guy seemed almost inconsolable at times that day... lots of hard crying and hearing him say "Owwwy! Owwwy!"

FINALLY... at 6:30pm, the little guy got perked up when Gabby and a little neighbor girl, Ayla, came over. He popped up, smiled, got off my lap for the first time that day and walked over to them. He helped them eat hot dogs and was suddenly a happy little dude again. It was so great to see, as I was starting to get really worried about him. We had even paged the surgeon around 5:30pm, because his pain seemed to be getting worse.

The most difficult parts of the day for me were:
1. One of the pre-op questions was: "Have you recently had any major life changes that we should know about (marriage, divorce, new baby, death, etc.)?"

When the nurse asked me this question... I sort of lost it. I broke down and told her that Rocco's twin brother died almost 7 weeks ago. And, she was stunned. She felt awful. She went to grab me a big box of tissues. I could tell that she was trying to digest what she just heard and also trying to be sympathetic at the same time. Odd position for someone to be in, I'm sure. And then, all I could think was "Please Matteo... protect your little brother today. Keep him safe for us. We miss you. You should be here... at home playing right now... wondering where Rocco is."

2. When the anesthesiologist came in, he said he was aware of Matteo's death and that they were twins. He continued to tell me that they may keep Rocco for observation into the day/evening, if necessary, so they could watch for any pulmonary issues. Ugh. That was not easy to hear.

3. I asked Dr. H how long the surgery would take. He said about 45 minutes. After I gave Rocco to the nurse, I waited... and waited. When it was close to 50 minutes from when they took Rocco... my mind started wandering. My thoughts? All insane and crazy. I couldn't help but fear the worst. "What if they come out and tell me... I'm sorry, Jodi, but something unexpected happended... and well Rocco...". I couldn't keep myself from crying while waiting. What would I do if they would tell me something happened to him. I would die. Right there. I would fall down and die. I couldn't go on. No. Way. Could I go on. In this life. It would have been impossible.

But everything was fine. Perfectly fine. The surgery took almost an hour... but that was because they spent time fixing some things that were unexpected. They were being thorough. Doing their jobs, perfectly.

I'm just one of those lucky parents who will now have to learn to manage this "fearing the worst", horrible, mind wandering that is all too easy to experience at any given moment.

Pictures... without Matt.

I brought the kids in this week to get photos taken. Matteo should have been there.

It was a really hard day.

Actually, we should have taken these photos in July. Right around July 10th when the twins would have turned 18 months old. You see... I'm one of those crazy moms that drags her kids in to a studio every three months during their first year of life and then again at 18 months and 2 years old to get photos. My mom did it with us when I was growing up and I've always enjoyed looking back on how different my brothers and I look in each stage of life and each series of photos.

Our trio of kids last had their photos taken together shortly after the twins turned one.

Gabby was all smiles... ready to start modeling for the camera. Rocco was on fire... running everywhere throughout the studio as fast as he could... while exploring everything. It became a game for him to run behind the backdrop and play peek-a-book with us. He was such a little crazy boy... it was funny to watch him. But honestly, I had little hope for getting even one single photo of him, much less one photo of him with his sister.

We ended up getting a photo of Gabby & Rocco together - only when she was picking him up and hugging him. And, we ended up getting a photo of him sitting with blocks (you just can't see him whipping the blocks!), and then laughing after I tossed him in the air and put him down quickly.

And, we were supposed to have an 18 month photo of Rocco and Matteo. Together. Their twin photo. And, photos of them both alone. That's what this day should have been about. And, we should have been in that studio over a month ago.

But, it took me this long... to do this dreaded task of getting 18 month photos withOUT Matteo. And, it sucked.

I wonder what Matteo would have been doing? It's possible he would have sat/stood nicely next to Gabby and listened to the photographer like a little angel. But more realistically, he probably would have been running after Rocco. I think the photographer would have hated us by the time we would have left. I think I would have spent the majority of the shoot behind the backdrop, tossing one twin after the other onto the magic spot to TRY and get their photo taken. I think Matteo and Rocco would have been laughing and having a blast. And, I would have been sweating. And, I probably would have tossed in the towel on the photos and laughed hard with Dan about it when I got home.

Instead, I cried with Dan when I got home. I cried about how hard it was to be there without Matteo. How Matteo should have been there. How it sucks to have this hole in our lives... and our hearts. Dan told me he was really bummed when he saw us leaving... without Matteo.

Gabby had a tough time with Matteo not being a part of the photos too.

The night before, while I was getting her ready for bed, we had this discussion:
Me: "We're going to get pictures taken of you and Rocco tomorrow."
Gabby: "Me and Rocco?"
Me: "Yes."
Gabby: "But, why not Matteo too?"
Me: "Because Matteo isn't here with us anymore. He was supposed to be in the photos with you both. And, we were supposed to have them taken last month when the boys turned 18 months old. But, he died, Gabby. Matteo's not here with us anymore."
Gabby: Just looked at me with a blank stare. I'm sure trying to digest what I just told her again.
Gabby: "Mommy, WHY did Matteo die?"
Me: "We don't know yet, Gabby. The doctors are working hard to figure out why."
Gabby: "But I miss him, mommy."
Me: "Me too. I miss him a lot. Do you want to talk about what you miss most?"
Gabby: "I miss him playing. I liked to play with him. He was so cute, mommy."
Me: "Yes. I know. I miss SO many things too. He was the cutest, wasn't he?"
Gabby: "Yeah."


Then, right before we left for the photos:
Me: Tears in my eyes.
Gabby: "Mommy, are you sad?"
Me: "Yes. I'm sad. I just really miss Matt. A lot."
Gabby: "I miss him too." Looking at me... thinking....
Gabby: "Mommy, why are you always sad?"
Me: "I'm just lonely, honey. But, I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And, I love Rocco and Daddy very much too!"
Gabby: "I love you too, mommy."

Then, at the studio:
Photographer: "Is that your brother."
Gabby: "Yeah. He's silly."
Photographer: "What's his name? We have to call his name and tell him to come over here."
Gabby: "His name is Rocco. My other brother's name is Matteo... but he died. This is my special Matteo necklace.... see?"
Photographer: "Wow.... that's pretty."
Photographer: Looking at me... "Did she really have another brother?"
Me: "Yes."
Photographer: "Did he die at birth?"
Me: "No. He was Rocco's twin brother... and he died a little over 6 weeks ago."
Photographer: "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. That must be really hard."
Me. "Yeah. It is. It sucks."


I went for a 45 min. run/walk that night... and I cried the entire time.

Where are you sweet angel, Matt?

Definitely a girl...

We had the full anatomy scan this week on Baby Surprise... and she's definitely a girl. We got a 4D view of her beautiful face, body and all that girl stuff.

Everything looked great. So, hopefully things will continue moving along well with the pregnancy.

The appointment was sort of difficult. My favorite technician, Barbara, was waiting for me when I arrived. She did every scan for me during my multiples pregnancy and we got to know each other pretty well. She was excited to see me, upbeat, asking how I was, what I've been up to, if I was off work today. She had no idea what had happened recently. But, then she could tell something was off. I just couldn't bare to break the news in the hallway.

I broke down when we entered the exam room and told her Matteo died a little over six weeks ago. She felt awful. She hugged me. She tried to hold herself together. She was shocked. And, I just cried. She hugged me tight. And, she listened as I told her about our recent tragic story.

Then, repeat the above paragraph (minus the hugs) when Dr. B came in. Although Barbara thoughtfully made sure to alert him of our recent tragedy before he came into the room. He listened, shared his sympathies and went on to say that I need to work hard at taking care of this baby now too.

So yes. Here I am... grieving the loss of my almost 18 month old baby boy. Still in shock from loosing him. Trying to make it through each day while fighting tears and replaying memories. Trying to make life happy for a 3.5 year old and a 19 month old. And, I'm also trying to grow a fabulous, healthy new life inside of me.

Maybe someday I'll figure out this thing called "LIFE".

Balloons

To plan your own child's funeral is really a sucky experience. Really sucky. Who EVER thinks they will have to plan their child's funeral? Nobody. Never. It's the unimagineable. The unthinkable. It's the thought that would never enter a parent's mind in a million years because it is SO sick and wrong.

But, unfortunately... we had to. We had to plan a funeral for our son who was 17 months and 25 days old. A twin brother. A little brother. A soon to be big brother. A grandson. A nephew. A godson. A friend. He was all of those things. But he was so much more. SO MUCH MORE. He was the absolute perfect child. Best kid in the room. He'd have won any smile contest. He'd have won any wiggle contest. He'd have won any hugging contest with his tight grip. And, he'd have easily won any kissing contest with the cute puckering and smacking of his lips.

I carried him in my womb for 35 week and 5 days. Then, for 17 months and 25 days, we held him, we loved him, we kissed him, we hugged him, we fed him, we watched him grow, we shared him with family and friends, we showed him the world he lived in, we learned his likes and dislikes, we learned what would make him smile, laugh or cry, we learned who could make him giggle the most, who could tickle him best, we learned who he was most attached to - and I'm very happy to report, that was yours truly... mommy!

He taught us all how to wiggle, he knew how to make us laugh, we learned he LOVED balls, loved to play catch, and had an early talent for catching. We learned what foods he liked and disliked, his favorite foods, and tricks to make him eat. We learned that he was the easiest child in the world EXCEPT for when it came to feeding him. We learned about his favorite outside toys, and his love for riding on cars and trucks up and down the neighborhood sidewalks and throughout the house. We learned which TV shows were his favorite. We learned about his love for balloons. We enjoyed watching him and his twin brother openly show affection towards one another, kissing, hugging, and pointing to each other's eyes, ears and noses. We enjoyed watching their numerous little twin battles that would take place throughout the day. We enjoyed watching Matteo's true love for his big sister's attention and love... and how he'd follow her direction just so he could be part of her daily play. And, she loved him right back, always being very motherly to him. And, it was so fun to see the two of them cuddle while watching Diego or Dora on TV. Both Rocco and Gabby had a very special and different bond with little Matteo.

Matteo touched our lives in SO MANY WAYS.

When planning Matt's funeral, I went into overdrive to make sure my child's funeral would be perfect. This would be our last salute to our little guy... a way to honor his memory. We wanted to make sure everyone knew who he was... what we miss about him, how much he was loved, and how much we missed him. I wanted the world to know that he was the best. The greatest. That he could not have been a more perfect child. It would not have been possible.

Thanks to a LOT of help from a LOT of family members and dear friends in so many different capacities... I think Matteo's funeral was probably as near-perfect as such an event can be. We were joined by family and friends from near and far. We are still in complete awe of EVERYONE who dropped everything to travel here and be with us. Having their love and support meant the world to us. Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes.

At the end of the funeral, there was a balloon release. Matteo loved being outside, he loved birds, he loved rocks, he loved bugs, he loved water, and he LOVED balloons. Two very dear friends of mine took on the huge task of coordinating and planning the balloon release. I was again in complete awe of their help and generousity. They got the most perfect balloons and spent the morning blowing them up with helium.

The balloons were all printed with:
Matteo
Tate
Martino
January 10, 2008 - July 5, 2009

It was such a beautiful way to end the funeral. We all watched the balloons hover and take their time flying into the sky. They took their time and did their own thing, just as Matteo always did.

The kids LOVED the balloon release. We told them we were sending the balloons up to angel Matt in Heaven.

As a large group of balloons was hovering above us, a big flock of blue herons (large, white, stork-like birds with black-lined wings) flew through the balloons in the shape of an "M". It gave us goosebumps. Matteo LOVED birds. Was it a sign? OF COURSE it was.

I think little Matt WAS able to see all of these colorful balloons. I think he helped them to hover over us for a while. I think he sent the blue heron's flying through in the shape of an "M" to let us know he was with us. That he is ok. And, I think he was able to see/feel/know how many people were there to celebrate him. And, all I can do is hope he knows that we're constantly thinking of him... missing him... and loving him.

Ever since Matt's funeral, Rocco seems to be on a mission to release every balloon he can get his hands on into the sky. It's almost as if he has a plan to send every balloon he touches to his angel brother in the sky. Truly. I'm not kidding - the kid is determinded to release every balloon into the sky.

On Sunday, August 16th, the mass intentions at our church were for Matteo so we of course went. Rocco was in church with us for approximately 5 minutes and then he was out the door with Dan. Dan said he ran over to the grassy area where we did the balloon release... and he looked up into the sky and kept saying "boon". That's how he says balloon. It made tears well up in my eyes. Six weeks after Matteo died. Five weeks and one day after Matt's funeral. And, my now 19 month old baby remembers this event.

Perhaps there IS hope that he will retain memories of him and his twin. What a gift that would be... truly.

Included with this blog are photos from the balloon release after Matteo's funeral.

Minnesota trip... because "Life is for Living"

We had planned a trip to Minnesota a few months before Matteo died. Tickets were bought. Plans were in the works. It would have been my family's reunion. My brother, Mark, and his family would be visiting from Shanghai, China. My brother, Jon, would be visiting from Alaska with his wife and daughter, whom we hadn't yet met and whose first birthday we'd be celebrating on August 1st. And, my brother Dave and his family conveniently live not too far from my parents in the Minneapolis area. So - it was going to be lots of fun seeing all the little cousins play together.

And then everything changed. Well... for us anyway.

After Matteo died, it was a very difficult decision as to whether or not we would still go. Until a week before the trip, I was convinced it would be too difficult to go and I just didn't want to leave the comforts of our home. Nor did I want to leave the place where all of our memories lived with Matteo. And sadly, the thought of it being anything close to a family reunion was incredibly painful... as there is no way it could be. Obviously... we would be missing a HUGE part of our family - Matteo. And, to think just a year ago... we were in MN with him for his & Rocco's baptism.

We ended up deciding to go... mainly, for the kids. We wanted them to have some MN-type fun. To get an escape from the cloud over our home in CA. And, we wanted to see them have fun with their cousins... even though it would suck at the same time to watch the fun being had and not see Matteo being a part of it.

We also decided to go because... well... life is for living, right?

The highlights for the kids were the Carver County Fair (rides and seeing/petting animals), rides at the Mall of America, boating on the lake, swimming and playing on the beach, Gabby went tubing (w/Dan), and of course LOTS & LOTS of playtime and fun with their cousins, Alexa, Callie, Maddy, Emily, and Ellie. All girl cousins - Rocco and Matteo are/were the only grandsons my parents have to date.

Dan & I were able to see some relatives we hadn't seen for over a year. Dan played golf twice with some friends and family. And, I was able to spend some quality time with very dear friends of mine who also traveled to CA for Matteo's funeral. Those friends were and continue to be very good medicine for me.

The following posts include photos from the Mall of America and the Carver County Fair. The photos below are of the kids with Dan & I, family, and there is one photo of all the cousins MINUS Matteo. But, I swear... it's like there was a space left for him. Right above Alexa, between Emily and Callie. I wonder if he was standing there with all of them, smiling his big smile. He would have had so much fun helping Ellie celebrate her first birthday... he LOVED his first birthday party. Gosh... the memories just sting sometimes.

Photos from the fair:

The kids LOVED feeding all the animals at the Carver County Fair. They loved meeting the cow character... who was hugging them and shaking hands with them... strange, I know! But, it was funny. They also loved going on all the rides... however, the rides usually ended up with Dan having to extract a screaming Rocco. Rocco had such a blast on any ride where he felt like he was driving a car, motorbike or airplane. And, the kids also enjoyed LOTS of cotton candy, cheese curds and pizza. Yum!

Photos from the Mall of America:

We visited the Mall of America mainly so the kids could go on the rides. Oh, and Gabby also visited the princess store... aka, the Disney store. And, of course she made out like a bandit. What princess wouldn't though, right?

Rocco and Gabby both LOVED all the rides and loved spending more time with their cousins.

Dreams

Sadly, my dreams are taking a new turn in recent weeks.

While in Minnesota, on the one month anniversary of Matteo's death, I had the most disturbing vision/dream. Dan was sleeping upstairs in my old bedroom with Rocco in the pack-n-play next to his bed. I was sleeping downstairs in another room with Gabby. I woke up and saw Dan leaning over the bed. He was kissing Gabby on the forehead and he had his University of Arizona visor on. I remember thinking it was crazy that he was wearing his visor in the middle of the night. At the same exact moment, Gabby woke up and said "Daddy? Dada? Dada?" I reached out to touch Dan's head, but didn't feel him. I reached for him again and I realized he wasn't really there, but that it was my dream. I freaked out. Literally. Gabby had to have seen him/felt him too, right? She said his name several times. I heard her. My mind immediately started racing... I looked at my BlackBerry so I could see what time it was - it was 1:10am CA time (3:10am MN time). I was SO worried that Dan had now died in his sleep and he was coming to tell us he was ok. I grabbed Gabby, headed up the stairs... I opened my old bedroom door... half wanting to, half scared out of my mind for what I might discover... and I poked Dan twice. He woke up. I'm sure he was a little confused at the time. Then, we checked on Rocco to make sure he was ok. Everyone was ok.

I was so confused. I walked back down the stairs. I crawled back into bed with Gabby. I snuggled her tight. I was scared. This was so strange. I was SURE I saw Dan. COMPLETELY SURE. And, why would Gabby wake up at the same exact time saying "Daddy?". Then, I thought about the time... it was 1:10am CA time. Matteo's birthdate was 1/10. Was he trying to reach out to us? Was he trying to tell us something? Did he die around this time?

Needless to say... I ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep that night.



On Wednesday, August 12th, I experienced the first dreams where Matteo was dead in my dreams. We were doing things as a family... living life, but Matteo was dead. He was not living and breathing with us anymore. And, we acknowledged his death in our conversations, etc. It was a completely restless night. And maybe I shouldn't be calling these dreams... it might be more accurately described as a nightmare just because they were disturbing and haunted me all night. I kept waking up. Once awake, I couldn't help but think about every place my mind had just taken me. And, of course... then there was the shock and pain that Matteo was now dead in my dreams. It was horribly sad for me, to think that my mind is now starting to accept this awful truth.

On that same night, Gabby was sleeping next to me. I woke up at one point holding her hand. As my mind was waking up, I was convinced I was holding Matteo's cold, dead hand. I held it tight and squeezed it and probably within 2 seconds, I realized it was not Matteo's had, but it was Gabby's. My immediate emotions were the pain of his death. The feelings I had when I held my dead baby on the awful morning we discovered him. My next reaction was to feel Gabby's chest and make sure she was still breathing. Her skin was cold from sleeping on top of the covers (she's a hot-pot and sleeps above the covers on hot nights). But, it was completely disturbing to wake up with this dream and feel her cold body. It shook me to the core.

When your child dies in their sleep and you don't know why... every night is difficult. You're scared to go in and check on your kids. But at the same time, you're scared to NOT go in and check on your kids repeatedly... because sadly, you now fear the worst. You now feel completely vulnerable to death. Like death will strike whenever it so chooses... and what if it struck us again.

You can't help but wonder and live with this fear.

I'm sure that fear is great ammunition for my dreams/nightmares every night. And it probably will be for a long time.

Crib

We took down one of the cribs today in Rocco and Matteo's bedroom.

We have left Matteo's crib up. We took down Rocco's crib. I could not bring myself to part with Matt's crib.

His bite marks line the front rail, it's the crib both boys slept in together until they were about four months old. It has too many memories.

I told Dan about two weeks ago that we'd be taking Rocco's crib down and not Matteo's. I cried when I told him why I couldn't part with Matt's crib. It's where we can still see his tooth marks. It's where I remember him holding onto the rails and eagerly awaiting me to grab him out of his crib. It's where he'd look out at Rocco across the room... and they'd jump together and scream/talk back and forth before bedtime. It's where he slept with his twin brother for four months. And, sadly, it's where he spent the last hours of his life and took his last breath. I cried when I told Dan why I couldn't get rid of Matt's crib. I told him we'd probably have Matt's crib for the rest of our lives. I just don't think I can ever get rid of it. Dan just held me while I cried.

Rocco will now sleep in Matt's crib. I know with my whole heart that Matt will watch over Rocco in that crib. He'll sleep with his brother every single night and be his guardian angel, keeping him safe.

So, today... Dan took down Rocco's crib. I couldn't be in the room while he dismantled it. I didn't want to see it being taken apart. That would have been too difficult. But at the same time, I knew in my heart it was time for us to do this.

What brought me to tears today and made me sob was not how I felt, but how Gabby reacted to us taking down the crib. She did not understand why Dan was taking one of them down. She got very sad. She kept asking why we were taking the crib apart. We told her it was because Matteo died and only one baby needs a crib now. She said "but what if he comes back?" We had to tell her repeatedly, that he wasn't coming back. Do you know how hard that was? Do you know how hard it was to tell her that Matteo will not be coming back to sleep in the bedroom he shares with his twin brother?

Do you know how hard it is to look at your sad-faced, teary-eyed 3.5 year old who lives in a princess and fairy land where everything has a happy ending... and try to explain to her that this tragic event in our lives can not be reversed? That he will not come back to life? She has said on more than one occacasion that she thinks and wishes for Matteo to come back for her birthday party in November. It's almost as if she thinks he's just on a mini-vacation. Oh, how I wish that were the case. And, then when I tell her he won't be coming back now and he won't be coming back for her birthday it's as if I'm crushing her belief and dream that he WILL come back for her birthday party... and that everything will once again be perfect and Matt will be with us.

Do you know how hard it is to not be able to fix this problem? It rips your heart out. Literally. To see Gabby sad about Matteo. And, knowing that she does not "really" understand why Matteo's not coming back. At the same time, I can't even f'ing believe my child won't be coming back. I don't know why he died and I can't yet tell her why he died or why he had to leave us.

Yeah. It sucks. It sucks beyond words. It's like having someone reach into your chest, pull your heart out, throw it on the ground, jump up and down on it a million times. And, then do it repeatedly every day.

Then... she tells me she is sad and that she really misses Matteo. And, I know in my heart that she is possibly starting to "get it" a little more. Just as I am. That Matteo is not coming back. He's gone. I can look out the door for as long as I want and wait for someone to bring him back. But, he's not coming back. I can wish upon his star and pray every night before I go to bed that this is all an awful, AWFUL, sick nightmare. But, it's not. It's our new reality. And nobody "really" knows how we feel. Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody knows how Dan feels. Nobody knows how Gabby feels. Nobody knows how Rocco feels.

And, while we have felt the love and contined generousity from so many people... our many dear friends, family and even complete strangers... I have never, ever felt more alone in my entire life.

Completely, and fully alone.

I look around me and people are living life. Their lives are normal and they don't have this giant hole in their chest that I feel every minute of the day. Our lives are different now. Forever. I miss Matt. We miss Matt. I miss him more than I have ever missed anything and more than I could ever explain to anyone. I feel bad for my husband. I feel bad for my kids. I feel bad because I know what we're missing and what we'll never, ever be able to replace. It's a giant hole. GIANT.

It's hard. Sometimes every day seems more difficult. Every day is another day that I miss my sweet baby and another day since I last held him and felt him snuggle up to me. And, I don't want to get used to missing him... ever. I don't want to reach the point of it feeling "normal" without him. The thought of that alone is painful.

Nothing yet.

I spoke with the coroner, Dr. J, on Thursday, July 30th for about 45 minutes. They do not yet have a cause of death for Matteo Tate.

We know nothing. Nothing. And, that is so very difficult. I wish with all my heart that we would know something... anything.

Dr. J said that based on her autopsy and the blood tests that have already been completed, that Matteo did not show signs of:
· Meningitis or Meningococcal
· Pneumonia
· Myocarditis
· Anomalous left coronary artery
· Brain aneurism
· H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu)

I asked if they would be doing the DNA analysis on his heart tissue which could tell us if he had an abnormal heart rhythm. Dr. J said this DNA test costs thousands of dollars, and that she wasn’t sure if this is something they would test for. I asked “What if you don’t find a cause of death? Would you do the test then?” She wasn’t sure, but it was something they would look into.

I asked if we could send the tissue samples to Stanford for another review, already knowing that Stanford would not accept the tissue samples unless the SCC Coroner’s office needed a more expert analysis of either the heart or brain tissues. I think I offended her in mentioning a second review – which I truly didn’t mean to do. I just want to know my child died. I want to know that my other children aren't going to die in their sleep... suddenly and unexpected. She went on to tell me that we would need to cover all the costs of the “consult” because at this time, she did not feel a review by another expert was necessary. Then she went on to explain how she did all of her training at Stanford and that she knows the lead pathologist there, etc.

Dr. J went explained that Matteo looked like a very healthy child. His heart looked good. His brain looked good. All of his organs looked good.

Ugh. That makes me SO ANGRY. So why did he die then? Why? WHY? How does a healthy baby just die?

In addition to questioning Dr. J about all the heart-related theories that the Heart Center MD’s explained to me, I also brought up another “guess” that one of my coworkers passed on from a lead RN in the Heart Center. She thought that maybe Matteo could have died from a febrile seizure. Dr. J said she was going to look into this a bit further. She said that Matteo did not have any bite marks on his tongue, and that he did not show signs of struggle... both which are typically related to a seizure. However, he did show some very minor signs of asphyxia.

This killed me to hear this. Literally. I couldn’t catch my breath. Hearing this made me realize that even though every ounce of my soul needs and wants to know why and how Matteo died… it may be the most painful sentence I ever hear in my life. And, I don’t know if I’m prepared for that.

Tell me it was meningitis. Tell me it was meningococcal. Tell me it was a genetic problem with his heart or brain. Tell me it was something we couldn’t have fought or changed or that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. Please... please... please. But don’t tell me he died of something that perhaps had I been holding him in my arms… I would have maybe, possibly, had a chance at completely avoiding this devestating loss.

Dr. J went on to tell me not to get discouraged just yet. She said she has done a large number of autopsies on infants and that she has not been able to find a cause of death for only a handful of those children.

Because Matt had a fever for the day and a half before he died, most MD’s I have spoken to, including Dr. J, suspect he was fighting something… and maybe it was something he couldn’t fight due to his weak immune system.

So, in addition to still waiting on the toxicology blood tests, Dr. J sent blood samples to a microbiology lab to see if they can find a micro biotic infection. Dr. J indicated that some viruses/bacteria/infections are not detectable on the normal set of blood tests and that his cause of death may have been something that is only detectable through this more detailed analysis.

So we know nothing yet. Only that Matteo looked like a very healthy kid. He had a fever for approximately 30 hours before he died. And, he died in his sleep... peacefully... without a sound.

And, we're missing him more than words can ever, ever explain to anyone. Our world is forever changed... tragically.

Baby Surprise

I found out I was pregnant with Baby Surprise the first week of May.

We weren’t trying to get pregnant. We weren’t expecting it. It was a total surprise... which made the news tad bit overwhelming. I think I shook for a full day and a half after taking the home pregnancy test.

Not many people knew of our news… a handful of people knew. It was like our fun little secret.

On July 2nd, two and a half days before Matteo died, I had my first trimester ultrasound at just over 12 weeks. Baby Surprise was looking good. Healthy heart beat and quite the wiggler. Dr. C predicted with 90% certainty that Baby Surprise was going to be a girl. A sweet baby girl. She is the same physician who predicted the twins were both boys at the same point in my pregnancy two years ago.

I couldn’t wait to tell Dan. I was suddenly so excited. No matter how crazy our lives would soon be… it was going to be awesome. We were going to have two girls and two boys… we would be a family of six in just six short months. How shocking and crazy… but how wonderfully perfect at the same time.

Two and a half days later. Our world came crashing down on us. And, I mean CRASHING. Crashing and slamming.

Now, everything is so NOT perfect. Matter of fact, everything is light years away from ever being perfect again. Our family will always be wonderful… but it will never again be perfect. We now have a huge, gaping hole in our family. Forever.

I met with my OB doctor at 16 weeks for a regular appointment that was scheduled before Matteo died. However, Dr. C knew that Matteo died because I’ve had to discuss my health with her on the phone ever since. She started crying when she saw me. Then, I started crying. She apologized for not holding it together and being more ‘professional’. I said “Please… cry. How is it possible to not cry when a child dies? When we don’t yet even know why or how he died. Cry. I’m crying too. Constantly… every day.”

I seem to have this wonderful downer effect on people wherever I go lately.

Baby Surprise seems to be doing just fine. We’ll see her(?) again mid-August for the full anatomy scan and we’ll also then confirm the sex.

My belly seems to be growing fast and getting bigger every day. I've felt her move a few times... very briefly. It will be nice when I'm able to start feeling her more regularly... as that constant movement seems to be reassurance that things are ok.

Life is beyond crazy for me right now.

Here I sit… writing about this new little life growing inside of me. And, I should be ecstatic and celebrating and thinking about baby names and planning where she’ll sleep, etc. But, all I can think about… all day, every day… is Matteo. All I dream about at night is Matteo.

It’s not that I don’t want to think about Baby Surprise. It’s more or less that my mind is completely and beyond preoccupied with Matt. I seem to have trouble planning much of anything lately… because something is just constantly missing.

How is it possible that I will be celebrating the life of this new little one… 6 months after the death of my dear sweet Matteo? How is it not complete torture that her due date is 3 days after the twins would have turned 2 years old?

Is it crazy that I hope she looks like Matteo? Is it crazy that I hope she has Matt’s eyes, his hair, his golden sun-kissed skin color? Gabby and Rocco look so similar… Matt had his own, fabulous look.

If this little baby comes out looking like Matteo, I swear... it would be like a giant 'sign' from our little guy that he's still with us.

At 12 weeks... it's kind of hard to tell who she might look like:

Seeking greater opinions...

I took Rocco in for an appointment on Friday with a pediatric cardiologist. I had to do it. Not yet knowing why Matteo died brings us so much worry. I needed to have Rocco's heart tested and for someone to give me the slightest confirmation that the same thing is not going to happen to Rocco.

The appointment was difficult, but I absolutely loved the physician.

I had to tell her why I was there. That my other baby just died... Rocco's twin. That we didn't know why he died... but he died in his sleep. She was so kind. She listened to me. I cried and tried to explain every detail of their health history over the past 18 months while fighting tears. I brought documentation of medications they had been on, dates, etc. She clearly felt bad. She asked a lot of questions. I asked her what heart-related problems could have allowed Matteo to die on us in his sleep. She explained a few possible causes.

She spent at least a half hour talking with us prior to the tests and another 20 after all the tests. She spent at least 45 minutes taking photos of Rocco's heart via ultrasound. She also ran another test where he was hooked up to numerous monitors via stickies all over his chest, arms and legs. All of the tests were beyond challenging as we were doing anything possible to get Rocco to sit still and not rip all the stickies off his body. Matteo would have sat there like a good little guy. He wouldn't have liked the stickers and he probably would have fought those a little. But, he would have sat there and allowed me to soothe him.

The test results came back great. Rocco's heart function is normal and good. The doctor said that depending on whether or not Matteo's cause of death ends up being a genetic abnormality of the heart, then we would also need to run a few more blood tests on Rocco.

After completeing this appointment, I sent a long email to two physicians who I've worked with on numerous occasions. Two physicians who are highly respected in the world of pediatric cardiology. I needed their opinions on why Matteo would have died, if in-fact he did die due to a heart related issue.

I wasn't sure I'd hear back from them. They are BEYOND busy and have crazy, crazy schedules. But, they both emailed me back within three hours of my email. Part of me was shocked at how quickly they both responded. And, part of me knew they would... because I always sensed their compassion. Once again, I found myself feeling so grateful for being a part of this wonderful and well-respected institution.

Below is what they had to say (personal info x'd out).

Jodi:

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you must feel guilty for not checking him more often, but from the sounds of this, you did all the right things and should not feel in any way responsible.

There are a few cardiac diseases that could possibly have caused sudden death in this situation. One is an abnormal heart rhythm, some of which can be due to a genetic mutation. These mutations can be tested for if a sample of tissue can be saved by the coroner's office for DNA analysis. Second, there is the possibility that your son developed an infection of the heart known as myocarditis. This could have been responsible for the fevers, but it could also have occurred due to the same virus that causes the Hand-Foot-Mouth disease back in May. Sometimes these viral infections of the heart can be subclinical for months before a child develops any symptoms. The microscopic sections from the autopsy study would definitately show this. Lastly, there is a rare congenital malformation called anamolous left coronary artery and this should be seen on the general part of the autopsy. You can ask the coroner whether he/she has determined the origins of the coronary arteries, which is pretty routine.

Once you have the final results of the autopsy, if you wish I would be willing to review them with you and help to determine whether there is anything else worth doing, and whether other tests are required for the other boy.

XXX

xxxxxx xxxxxxxxx, M.D., Chief, Division of Pediatric Cardiology
Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford
Professor of Pediatrics
Stanford University





Dear Jodi,

I am very sorry for what has happened and if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to call. Dr. xxxxxxxxx has already mentioned the more common causes of sudden death related to the heart and is correct about what the studies and coroner can do to evaluate for the coronary abnormality. I know Dr. xxx (who examined Rocco on Friday) and believe that she is a good pediatric cardiologist. If you have questions regarding her echocardiographic evaluation, however, I would be happy to help you, including re-reviewing her study.

We as parents and spouses always feel a sense of "what could I have done differently" but I truly believe that you and your husband did nothing wrong. Uncommon things happen commonly and what you have described sounds very uncommon. I know saying these things don't take the pain or guilt away but it is true. Please let me know if I can be of any help now or in the future. If you need to talk to someone, know that I am always available and you can page me at anytime (xxx-xxx-xxxx).

Sincerely,

xxxxx

xxxxxxxx xxxx, M.D.
Director, Pediatric Heart Transplant Program
Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford
Associate Professor of Pediatrics
Stanford University

3 Weeks

Here I sit... three plus weeks after Matteo died. And, all I can do is cry. My head hurts from crying. My heart feels heavy. My eyes are sore and red. And, I'm just sad.

I miss him SO MUCH. SO. MUCH.

It's quite possible that I miss him more today than I did yesterday, than I did the day before... and the day before that.

People tell me... time heals. I'm sorry... but f*&# that. Time hasn't healed crap.

I have not held him in over three weeks. THREE WHOLE WEEKS. Prior to our March 2009 trip to Mexico (Dan, Gabby & I)... I had never spent one night away from my boys. And now... I have not smelled Matteo or seen him smile in over THREE WEEKS. I have not heard his voice in over THREE WEEKS. I find myself digging through videos at night and watching them into the wee hours just to hear tidbits of his voice. Angry with myself that I never recorded his most recent laugh... his "No Cocco, no! Cocco, no!" while following Rocco. Angry that we didn't record his silly "crazy eyes" look he'd give people when he wanted to stay in MY arms. I have not run my fingers through his fuzzy curls or snuggled up to him on the sofa in over three weeks. I haven't squeezed his chunky feet, his cute little buns, or loved on my little guy in over three weeks. THREE WEEKS. How the hell does someone deal with this? How do you move on? How? HOW? I don't understand. I don't even want to understand right now.

It's been three weeks of constant reminders. Constant replaying of that horrible, awful morning. And, my mind just continues working throughout the night. If I don't dream about Matteo and my time with him... then I dream about losing something or not being able to find something. And, instantly, when I wake up, Matteo is always the very first thing that pops into my head. If I wake up in the middle of the night, it sometimes takes hours to fall back asleep because my mind doesn't quit replaying everything. Every single horrible thing about this wrong situation. For a brief instant last Friday... in the very first instant I woke up, I felt that Matteo was still here with us. For that brief instant... life could not have been more perfect. And, then quicker than quick... it was all wrong and awful again.

Last night, I had to tackle another reminder of our awful tragedy. I decided I was going to reach into the coroner's bag for the second time since getting it back last week. The bag contained the clothes Matteo wore the night he died, and the two blankets I wrapped him in that awful morning. I opened it for the first time last week... and I sobbed on Dan's shoulder. He held me. And, I just sobbed. It was a bag full of flashbacks that I hadn't yet encountered prior to opening the bag. The morning Matteo died... he was so cold... my sweet, snuggly, happy baby boy was dead cold. After the paramedics did what was required... I sat there holding my baby... my cold baby... and cried for Dan to grab blankets to wrap him in... he was so cold and I was going to do whatever it took to keep him warm. And, now he had vomit on his shirt from the CPR attempts. I just wanted to wrap him up, hold him and disappear away with him. My poor sweet baby was COLD. He just had a fever... not even 12 hours prior... and there I was holding him, dead cold. His shirt was clean when I put him to bed. He hadn't puked in months. And now he had vomit on his shirt. I wrapped him in two fleece blankets and I held him. I sobbed on him.

So, I opened the coroner's bag for the second and last time last night. I smelled his vomit-stained shirt. I don't know why. Maybe to not forget? Maybe so I could remember with more certainty the smells that linger in my head from that awful morning? I don't know. But, I cried and felt the pain of our loss so heavy. Yet again. I took time in examining his shirt and his shorts. All the details. All the stains. I wanted to see everything, smell everything... one last time from how it was that awful morning. That horrific morning.

Then, exactly three weeks after Matteo's death, I threw the outfit my poor sweet baby died in... the last clothes he wore while living... into the washing machine. Soon to be added to the growing pile of Matteo-related things I have been gathering. Once I find the perfect chest... I'll place everything in there. And, I'll open it whenever I need to try and remember and be close to Matteo.

Three weeks.

Three weeks of not really having a desire to do anything in particular but spend time with my kids and husband. Three weeks of phone calls to return, emails to respond to, people to get back to... and no urge to do any of it.

Three weeks of people telling me... "Oh, this or that must be comforting." Three weeks of me looking at them blankly or not responding... and letting THEM think it's comforting. Me knowing that absolutely nothing... nothing is comforting right now.

Three weeks of knowing true sadness like I have never known it before. Three weeks of not being "ok". Three weeks of not knowing why he died. Three weeks of feeling completely vulnerable to death... like at any instant, it could sweep right back into my house and strike again at whatever moment it pleases.

The three most heart-wrenching weeks of my life.

So... this is what life is like 3 weeks after losing my sweet, soon-to-be 18 month old child.

A Moment...

I had a moment yesterday.

Anyone who knows me knows my stress-reliever and daily medicine is running. It's my Jodi-time.

But, I'm pregnant right now. So, I haven't been running as much as I normally would. And, that's been tough. The time in my life when I need to run the most... and I can't do it.

I ran the night I put Matteo down to sleep for the last time. It was dark out. It was the 4th of July. Fireworks were going off and I just let my mind wander as I watched the sky. I was worried about Matteo. Hoping he'd wake up in the morning and be feeling all better again. The temp had cooled a lot and it was great to be out in the fresh air. All seemed to be ok... my little guys were in bed and Gabby was curled up with her daddy on the sofa.

Now I would do anything to turn back the clock. I wish I would have let Matteo just sleep in my arms that night. Would it have changed things... I don't know. I just wish...

After Matteo died... it took me two weeks to get out on a run again. Mostly, because I just didn't have the energy. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. Nothing in our world was right. Everything was wrong. And, everthing still is. Just wrong and broken.

I think I've now run about 5 times since Matteo died. And, each time I just let myself cry.

Back in April... one of my very dear friends and my running buddy, Kathleen, and I were trying to plan our next race. We had just finished the Santa Cruz half-marathon and we were working on nailing down our next full marathon... with the hopes of qualifing for the Boston Marathon. We would need to shave less than 20 minutes off our time... and we thought it was doable. Not to mention, she had actually missed BQ time about 5 years ago on the San Francisco marathon course by 3 minutes. It was a goal within reach for sure.

Then... surprise... I got pregnant. And, I had to dog out on her.

Yesterday, the San Francisco marathon kicked off at 5:30am, sharp. And, I drove into the city so I could support my friend in reaching her lifetime goal, qualifing for the 2010 Boston Marathon. Afterall, she has been there for me more than I will ever be able to thank her for. This was the very, very least I could do. And, I was so excited and proud... I knew she'd finish in 3:45 or less.

I told her I wanted to run the last mile with her, so I could push her to the end. Quite honestly... as I was walking towards mile 25... I was so unsure as to whether I was going to be able to run with her. I've got a fast-growing belly and the last thing I wanted to do was slow her down.

While waiting for her... I was joined by another dear friend who was out of the country when Matteo died. She asked if I was "ok". I said I am never ok. I don't know what "ok" is anymore. I wasn't going to cry that morning. Not there at the race. But, I did. And there we were, cheering people on as they hit the 25th mile, and crying... for Matteo... and for how life is so flipping unfair sometimes.

Eventually, I saw Kathleen coming. There was less than a mile left to run with her. I got so excited and I popped out onto the race course. The first thing she said was "I have 7 minutes left." I said "that's not a problem because we'll be at the finish line in 4." And, I ran with her. I pushed her. I don't know how but I kept myself just a tad bit in front of her and repeatedly told her she can do it, she's almost there. I went into coach mode... and told her to push her shoulders back and pick her feet up... that she could do this. She was almost there! I was so proud of her. Then, I found myself at a loss for words as we got closer to the finish line... and there was only one thing going through my mind. So I said the ONE thing that kept going through my mind, even while I was tossing out all the other crap. I said "YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MATTEO! Just do it for Matt." And she did. She did it. She did it for herself, her girls, her husband, her family... and I swear... she did it for Matteo too. I was so proud of her. I was happy and elated. Truly happy.

Right then and there... I experienced a moment of happiness... for something other than my two living children... for the first time in over three weeks.

So thank you, Kathleen... for letting me be a part of your success. Your victory. Your lifelong goal. And, thank you for letting me be a part of your happiness yesterday.

Losing a twin... is it doubly painful?

I sometimes find myself wondering if losing a twin/multiple baby makes the pain even more painful. Granted... I don't know a different type of loss. Just my own situation. And, of course... it's pure hell and painful beyond words.

Every minute of every day, we have Rocco... a little reminder of Matteo. Playing with us, teasing us, and running around being curious. It's impossible not to look at him and immediately think of Matteo. Afterall, they did EVERYTHING together. EVERYTHING. Never spent a day apart. Ever.

Twins are so interesting. And, since we have had the opportunity to experience both a singleton and multiples... we know the comparisons are incredible. Twins are more socially advanced in so many ways... afterall, every single waking minute of every day, they are having to learn things like sharing toys and cooperation (usually when getting into mischief of trouble). They sleep together for months from the moment they come out of the womb... and one, or both, always has a hand on the others face or they hold hands. It's amazing to look back at the photos of them sleeping as infants. Always, always touching each other. Then they begin to grow up and they start mimicing each other. A lot. Maybe it's screaming or trying a new sound or a word. Sometimes they see the other try a new food and the other immediately begins screaming/asking for the new food too. One might do something dangerous that they know they shouldn't be doing (Rocco). And, the other would be sure to follow fast (Matteo). They've got their own little communication between the two of them. They will say things to each other... half the time, not understandable to us at this point... and then they would be off to the races to get whatever it was they discussed. On a number of occasions, if the two of them were trapped in a doctor's office (which was so frequent)... Rocco would open the door and Matteo would start saying "GO, GO, GO!" while running out after his brother. It was as if they knew they had to go FAST... and had limited time before we busted them. It was a game to them... and the joke was on us. Oh how we loved the joke being on us... it was always entertaining. Everything was teamwork. Everything. Matteo was also becoming our little Rocco-alarm... he would witness Rocco doing something naughty and Matt would yell "No, Cocco no! Cocco no!" while waving his finger in the air and then he'd look at us, proud... as if to say "yeah mommy/daddy... I'm telling him he's being bad!" I could go on and on...

Dan and I REALLY, really, really miss the twin experience right now. A LOT. Ugh... it's like an additional empty hole in our hearts. Not as big or significant as Matteo not being with us. I think it's just that extra burn... the rotten icing on the cake of death.

Maybe it's because now we also look at Rocco each and every day and wonder if Matteo would have also said that new word today. We see Rocco hit the ball repeatedly off the T now... and wonder... hmmm... would Matteo have been doing that too? Or would he have still just preferred to catch.

Rocco seems to have grown a lot in the past week... physically and socially. Would Matteo have also put on some extra weight recently? Gotten a little taller? I can't help but think that every day for the rest of my life, I won't look at Rocco and instantly also think of Matteo EACH and EVERY time I see him... and just wonder. Wonder. Wonder. Wonder.

Socially... Rocco has changed SO much in the past week. His interactions with Gabby have increased significantly. His vocabulary has increased significantly... and he shows much more interest in learning words that we're speaking... not just his "twin talk" with his buddy that is no longer here to share in his daily adventures. Dan and I have felt that Rocco is also much more communicative and demanding of us. If he wants us to go somewhere with him.... he will physically move and point us in that direction... and then pull us over. Or, if he wants me to hold him, he will physically grab my legs, turn me to face him and hold up his arms. Prior to Matteo's death... if I had one baby at my leg wanting to be held, I most often had two. And, it was more of a screaming match between the two of them as to who would be picked up first. 95% of the time, I would pick them both up... at exactly the same time and hold them both like they were my little bear cubs. Totally proud momma! So proud of my BOYS! I would often look at them and wonder/dream about how handsome and charming they would both be someday... both so different and fabulous. I SO MISS my other little bear cub. Where IS my little baby? Where is he...

Having TWINS is just such a different experience. So demanding. So hard. But, so unbelieveably rewarding and fun. Especially as they get older and are interacting and playing and become the best of little buddies.

I think we'll also really miss hearing "the Martino brothers"... as people often referred to them as our "little mobsters" or the "Martino Mafia"... just based on their Italian names. I recall that when one of Dan's friends heard what we named them.... his first comment was "Dang. I REALLY hope my kid never bumps into your boys in a dark alley with his milk money someday."

Oh... how we already miss the thought of all the future funny little stories.

They were going to back each other up in life. They were going to be there for each other, through and through. They would defend and honor each other... even if they had their own little clashes. Rocco was going to be the pitcher and Matteo was going to be the catcher. Dan and I had talked a MILLION times how cute it would be to someday see the two of them in their little league outfits. The little Martino boys. They were going to gang up on their sister and tease her and tickle her. They were going to play practical jokes together on mommy, daddy and Gabby. They were going to have bunkbeds. They were going to stay up late and read comic books past their bedtime with flashlights... and switch who had the top or bottom bunk every other week. Matteo was going to be the studious one... because his concentration level was so high. He was going to be brilliant. Rocco would be the silly, goofy, fun one... maybe a little more of the class clown. Rocco would be the heart breaker and Matteo would get his heart broken... because he just loved SO much and really relied upon his close family relationships. They were complete opposites. Total opposites in every possible way. And, together, they were never EVER going to let their big sister go on a date with a looser. Never! They were going to be our little spies. Daddy's little helpers in protecting the family and the house.

Our little dudes. Brothers. Twins.

I think Rocco is already forgetting. I think Matteo is already just becoming a picture to him that he sees everywhere in our house right now. He will still see Matteo's picture and say "buddy". But... does he KNOW HOW MUCH they were buddies? Does he remember?

It all hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts BAD.

In the past two weeks... Rocco seems to have picked up some of the qualities that Matteo had, but that Rocco never really shared/showed us prior to Matteo's death. Rocco has on numerous occasions now, actually sat in my lap and snuggled for longer than 10 minutes. Prior to Matteo's death... it was difficult to get Rocco to sit for even 30 seconds in someone's lap. Rocco seems to have slowed down some... he seems to take a little more time when doing things. Just like Matteo would have. This in and of itself is very interesting... I'd be interested in reading/learning more about similarities to this in other twin losses, at any age. It's definitely there. There's no making behavioral stuff like this up.

So here we are neck deep in grief. And, for some reason... we seem to also be grieving the loss of Rocco's twin... his lifelong best friend and that whole "buddy" experience.

Matteo's gone. Rocco's twin is gone.

It all just SUCKS so bad.

And... life keeps moving forward.

Everything right now seems to be measured in days since Matteo died. Or, days before Matteo died. Yesterday marked two weeks since he died. I can't seem to remember what day it is at any given moment lately. But, I can always tell you the exact number of days since my baby died.

Time isn't the only challenging factor we've faced in the past 15 days... awkward moments seem to be another. I need to get a better handle on being comfortable with and handling awkward moments. It's almost like I have an ability to anticipate which situations will be awkward and which won't.

For example, I had been meaning to schedule a hair appointment for months. But, for a million time-related reasons, never got around to it. I had time last week... so I finally scheduled and had my haircut.

In the days leading up to it... I was dreading it. Not the haircut itself... I was dreading the conversation that I knew was going to happen with my new hair stylist. I had only been to her once prior to this appointment.

I was DREADING not being able to avoid the topic that has haunted me every minute of every day for the past 15 days... with a near-stranger. My sweet baby, Matteo. Gone. Forever.

I was about to be stuck in a chair... with someone who would want to chit chat and ask me a million questions. Don't get me wrong... she's a very nice girl... early twenties. Just no idea what she would be in for with me that day. I would be without a box of kleenex nearby. There would be no chance of me being able to just get up and leave when things got uncomfortable because she'd have a scissors in one hand, and my hair in the other. And because it had taken me so long to get my butt in for the hair appt in the first place... there was no way in hell I was going to be leaving with a half-cut head of hair.

So many thoughts were spinning through my head when "prepping" myself for this appointment. What am I going to do when she starts asking me about my kids? Will she remember I have kids? Should I just pretend to be someone I'm not so I can avoid the discussion all-together? Will she remember I'm married? I could change my name in the appt book and she'll think I'm a new client! I could be XX XX from XX... single, no kids... and completely avoid the discussion.

But I knew in my heart... I couldn't pretend to be someone else. That's not me. I don't know a different life. I only know what I know... and what I live and breathe right now.

I wondered how long it would take for the topic of kids to come up. I thought it would probably come up in the first 15 minutes... probably closer to the 15 minute mark.

Hair Stylist: "Ok, so what would you like to do today?"
Me: "Let's cut at least 2 inches off the bottom... layer it.... thin it out... just do some magic."
Hair Stylist: "Alright - not a problem. Let's go back and wash your hair. So... how has your summer been? I haven't seen you in a while. You must be busy with the kids... how many kids do you have again?"
Me: Pause... silence... deep breath... "Well, yeah... the summer has been busy. The kids definitely keep us busy... a little less busy right now which is hard. I have 3 kids. A 3 year old, two 18 month old boys... but one of my 18 month old boys died recently. He died in his sleep. We don't yet know why he died but we're hoping to get answers soon."

ROOM GOES SILENT.

Hair Stylist: "OH! I am soooooo sorry... I can't imagine. I'm so sorry." Silence.
Awkward silence. More awkward silence.
Hair Stylist: "Yeah... I've had a busy summer too... I'm moving on August 1st... blah, blah, blah."

I suddenly felt more comfortable that she changed the subject and the focus to herself. She continued to talk about her move. I acted interested... but all I could do was think about Matt. I saw his sweet face and smile... I tried to replay and hear his voice in my head. All the things that I don't want to forget... but fear I will slowly forget someday. I just let my mind wander in "Matt-world" while this near-stranger continued talking.

But, I made it through the moment I was dreading. I answered her question. I stunned the room. I stopped conversation just like that. But, most importantly, I said what I wanted to say. I have three kids. One died recently. Matteo will never, ever be left out of the "kid count". Ever. He will always be my child. He will always be with me. He will not be forgotten. I won't let it happen. I answered her questions with dignity and respect for my sweet baby.

The next day... I brought Gabby to gymnastics for a makeup class. Some of the mommies from her regular class were also there for a makeup class. And, there were a few other mommies there as well who I did not know. The mommies from the regular class knew about Matteo's death. They're a really great group of mom's. Two of whom actually took the time and were able to come to Matt's funeral... even after only knowing us from gymnastics. I'm still amazed by that.

Anyway, one of the mom's who I've gotten to know but hadn't seen for a few weeks asked something about Gabby... maybe it was if she was extra tired or hot. I really can't remember exactly. Anyway... I replied with "Well, actually... one of her baby twin brothers died in his sleep on July 5th... so she's having a bit of a hard time focusing lately."

She immediately felt awful. She looked concerned. I could see tears in her eyes and a true look of pain and shock. She grabbed my arm and didn't know what to say but gave me the look that only a mom could give... that I am living her worst nightmare.

Sadly, I appreciate "the look". Afterall... I am... I am living every mom's worst nightmare. Every. Single. Day. Living the nightmare. I live it minute to minute. I wonder where the hell my child is and why he isn't here. I feel like someone should be bringing him back to me...that maybe it's just a matter of time. I wonder why he isn't coming back... where the hell did he go? And I wonder constantly why things like this happen to sweet angel babies, like Matteo.

Anyway, in less than 30 seconds... four mom's around me are crying. All had tears. All saying how they can't imagine. All not knowing the pain... but somehow saying comforting things even though I'm sure they had no idea what to say. There we were talking about Matteo... having a regular conversation, not avoiding the subject, and letting the conversation ride itself out. With tears. And, without tears. The crazy part is that this wasn't awkward for me. And oddly enough, I didn't dread the conversation with this group of ladies. I knew it was going to happen... but I didn't fear it. Maybe because I felt their support already. Maybe because they were mom's and we shared a common thread. I don't know.

Life is crazy. It's a wild ride. I didn't know how much of a wild ride it was until 15 days ago. I don't think anyone... that ANYONE... seriously... can imagine or even fully try to relate to the pain or feelings we experience on a daily basis. I don't even hope for them to do so. I know there are people out there who can relate to losing a child... and I am so sorry for that. I would never wish for anyone to know this pain. Perhaps they lost their child at a different age, most likely a different story or type of loss. I know with my whole heart that I can never fully know their pain. And, I don't expect anyone to understand what we're going through either. I mean... how COULD someone? You just can't. And, we know that. We understand.

Sometimes I will talk about Matteo. Sometimes I won't. Maybe I will tell you a story about him or a great memory. Maybe you'll tell me a story or memory of you and your children. Maybe you'll tell me a crazy story from your recent trip to the grocery store, a vacation, a night out, etc. And, I'll be interested and will listen to every last detail intently. Maybe you'll see me laughing. Maybe you'll see me crying. You might catch me at a moment where I am truly happy and having fun or enjoying a moment of life. And, that's ok... because in that moment... I probably am happy. But... maybe you'll call me and I won't answer the phone. Maybe I'm avoiding calls all together for that moment in time. Maybe I'm curled up in a ball crying... or sobbing like a child and just want to feel and live in that moment. Maybe I just don't "feel" like talking. Maybe I'm spending time with my kids. Maybe I'll answer the phone and will look forward to some interesting news/conversation that you can share with me... taking me out of my nightmare if only for 5 or 10 minutes. I've never been one to chat on the phone much, so don't take it personally. What I'm trying to say is that... some moments are good. And, some moments are so absolutely awful and painful. Neither are predictable.

Unfortunately and fortunately... life DOES move on. Regardless of if we want it to or not. And, we are trying each and every day to keep moving on. To come to grips with the fact that Matteo is gone. Even though it's impossible to believe sometimes... that I will never see or hold him again.

Dan and I do not want to spend every second of every day openly rehashing how sad we are or how horribly Matteo's death has changed our lives. But, we also will never, ever tiptoe around Matteo's name or who he was. We will never avoid him in conversation, nor will we ever want to. We DO still want and need to experience happy moments. We need to have enjoyable conversation. We need moments of laughter and fun. We need it for us, but more importantly... for Gabby, Rocco and baby Surprise. And, I hope that it gets a little easier with each passing day.

Matteo's our little Angel. He's our third child. Always will be. We will always wonder... what he would have looked like, how big he would be, how long his hair would be, what sports he'd enjoy, how smart he'd be, how proud he would make us, how much he would have enjoyed this particular visit to the park, or to the ballpark with his daddy and brother, or how much he liked visits to his Gammy and Papa's house.

We will always wonder. But, we will never forget.

18 Month Well Baby Appointment

Today was supposed to be the twins 18 month well baby appointment.

But, instead of taking two happy, healthy, curious little guys in for their regular checkup. Together, Dan and I brought one. Just one. Never again will we experience the chaos that was involved with bringing two busy little boys… twins… to the doctor. That thought alone makes me want to vomit.

Just before leaving... Dan tells me the story of the friend of a friend who called him today to tell him yet another story of Matteo’s life/death making an impact. Apparently, parent of twins… one twin had a high fever. Parents brought child in to the ER, and the child has been there for several days, and they still don’t know what’s wrong. Of course, I don’t know the additional details/symptoms that they shared with the MD’s. It makes me happy to hear this story, of course. That they weren’t just turned away and told to bring the baby home. It makes me happy to know that because of Matteo, maybe another little life is being saved. But… shortly thereafter, I start processing this a little more in my head. “Dear God… what if I would have brought Matteo in to the ER that night? Would things be different? Would he be ok? Would he be here right now? With us?” I cry. I can’t breathe. I sob. I am physically sick.

We get to the doctor. I’m focused on Matteo and why he died. I asked if a child can die from a fever. No. It would be highly unlikely, he said. Fevers tend to top off… never really getting above 106 or 107. The last fever reading I have on Matteo from July 4th was 104.3 at 8pm. I have the entire day documented with fever readings, what he ate, when we gave him Tylenol, etc. I’m a freak like that. The detectives took photo copies of that paper. I still have it. I have referenced it daily looking for some sort of clues.

The doctor continues to tell me again that one of his thoughts is that Matteo had a very rare side effect from the Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease that the kids all picked up at the San Francisco Zoo over the last weekend in May. He said they were the worst cases he’s seen (and our MD has been practicing for quite a while). Matteo’s was by far the worst. He got hit with it first. And the blisters on his feet were horrible... and you could still see visible signs of the blisters two weeks ago. I even blogged about it. It started with a fever that wiped him out. Matter-of-fact, he was more lethargic and sick for the two days after the trip to the zoo than he was the weekend he died. WAY more sick. He took a 5 hour nap on the second day of his fever and then first started feeling better. We thought that fever/sickness was WAY worse than what hit him two weeks ago. Yes... we thought. Anyway… I was told by both the coroner and our pediatrician that in very rare cases the Coxsackie virus can impact the condition of the heart… causing cardiomyopathy. Or, it can cause changes to the size of veins, etc. Please note - I’m no MD… so don’t quote me on this.

Anyway, Dr. O did Rocco’s checkup. Rocco is in good health. However, I did ask to have a referral to a cardiac specialist to have Rocco’s heart looked at via ultrasound. If it turns out that Matteo’s death was the result of a congenital defect… then I worry about Rocco as well. After all, they were both sick constantly throughout the winter. Every other week we were battling bronchitis, an ear infection, and Rocco ended up also battling RSV and had constant issues with bronchiolitis. Dr. O agreed with me on getting Rocco’s heart checked out in more detail… saying it was a very reasonable request. Ok… good. I’m not going crazy. I’m not yet a total psycho mommy. But, I’m sure that’s just around the corner.

How ironic is it that I mentioned to a handful of people that I felt like there was more behind the boys always being sick? Even crazier is that I worried more about Rocco’s health. Matteo always seemed like the healthier of the two to me...maybe just because he didn’t get RSV and battle bronchiolitis as often as Rocco did. I don’t know.

I wish with every ounce of my heart that I would have followed through on my gut. Ugh. But, would I have had Matteo checked out too? Or just Rocco? Through work, I’m connected to some of the world’s greatest physicians and surgeons. All right there… within arm’s reach. UGH, ugh, ugh. If only I could turn back the clock.

Why didn’t I follow my gut then?

Was it because I felt I might be dreaming up some of this stuff in my head? Because when you work at a children’s hospital… you hear the worst of the worst stories. You become somewhat paranoid, for all the obvious reasons... constantly looking more into odd behaviors, bruises, tummy aches, etc. You also hear about absolute miracles. But, you never think… or actually... you HOPE with all your heart and soul, that you will never experience what those parents are going through. Not to mention, what their precious, precious babies are experiencing and battling. Oh, those children. Those dear children. You hear their stories and your heart breaks, you hurt for them. You cry for them. You honestly wonder if you could ever be as strong as them, or if you could ever handle your child being sick with as much courage, strength and fight as those parents do. You admire them for their strength, courage and faith... because it's so strong you can almost feel it in the air.

And, here I am. My child is gone. Gone. Forever. And, I will never, ever know if there is a fight we could have fought.

I would have fought. Dan would have fought. We would have fought HARD. Dan and I would have put on the biggest boxing gloves and fought until we couldn’t fight anymore. We would have done anything… we would have gone into extreme debt, we would have traveled a million miles, we would have done ANYTHING to still have Matt here with us. Right here. Right now. Oh, how we would have fought…

Maybe we will someday know why he died. I really hope, with my whole heart and soul that we will. I NEED to know. We are still waiting to hear back from the coroner. Still. Waiting. And, hating every day that passes with no word.

Rocco’s 18 month growth stats:
Head: 50.4 cm (off the charts)
Height: 33 inches (75th %ile)
Weight: 27lbs 10 oz (70th %ile)

Matteo’s final stats… from the coroner:
Height: 32 inches
Weight: 27lbs

When we got home from the doctor’s office today, I again looked in my Toddler 411 book. You see, I referenced this book after I put Matteo down to sleep, the night he died. I was so worried about the little guy. I was pondering in my head if I should page the doctor for the second night in a row… or if I should take him to the ER. Dan seemed to think he’d sleep it off that night and would be better in the morning. After all, we had lived this fever song/dance throughout the winter months with both boys. A million fevers. A million sick and sleepless nights. How could either of us have ever known that this fever was OH SO DIFFERENT than anything we battled before.

The physician who wrote the book clearly states… a doctor will be more concerned with a child who has a 102 fever and is acting lethargic and nonresponsive, than a child who has a 104 fever and is playing or walking around. Ok. I did read that right. I wasn’t just dreaming.

But now… I’m bruised. I'm hurt. Forever. My child had a fever. A FEVER. And, he died. He should have been there today for his 18 month well baby appointment. But, he wasn’t.

A fever will never be the same. The next fever will probably have me close to cardiac arrest.

And, I will never again have another growth statistic for Matteo Tate. He's forever frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days.

And, that hurts. A LOT.

Where's my third?

What's next? Where do we go from here? How do we keep going... day to day? Why do I feel like a truck has run me over, at several different points throughout the day? Where is my third child? I know I have 3 kids, right? Where is my third baby... I swear he was just here. I should eat something... or drink something. I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's 2pm and I haven't eaten or drank anything. Totally not hungry. But, I know I need to eat. I eat something. Then, I look at a photo of Matt... or have a memory of Matt. I feel sick to my stomach... feel like throwing up. Food sucks. Everything sucks.

I hate having "extra" time... the time I would have spent taking care of sweet little Matteo... fixing his morning bottle and snuggling him for 2 hours straight. Why do I have free time now? Why do I have more time in my day? Why am I not cleaning up after three kids. Why am I not sitting playing blocks with Matt? Why am I not bathing three kids? Why is bathtime so quiet and calm now? This sucks. I want the chaos back. I want the crazyness back. I want to go through a gallon of milk every day again. I want to see my three babies playing. I want to be busy beyond belief again. Two kids is too easy. I want my third back... where is he?

It hurts to look at two highchairs, a bedroom with two cribs, two sets of some shirts, pants, etc. But, I'm not ready to let go of any of it yet... that would be like getting rid of Matt right now.

Why is it I can't sit down and watch "Go Diego, Go!" anymore... it sucks... Matteo should be here watching it. Where is he? I swear he was just here. Did someone just take him? To figure out what was wrong with him? Then, they'll bring him back to me, healthy, and tell me what was wrong with him... right? I'm waiting... still waiting. Maybe if I look out the door they'll bring him back...

Why does everything seem so abnormal? Will life ever feel normal again? Why can't I focus on a conversation? Why did I give my childhood telephone number when asked on the phone just yesterday what number was best to reach me at. So random. I haven't said that number in so long. Why am I forgetting things? Things I don't normally forget? Why am I so tired? What is wrong with me? Oh yeah... Matteo... he's gone. Right.

Why haven't they called to tell me why he died yet? Did I do something wrong? Why did he die? Did we miss a sign? I should have brought him to the ER. I should have paged the doctor. Why didn't I do those things? What was wrong with him. WHY DID HE DIE? WHY?! What will I tell Rocco someday... "Well, Rocco... in the beginning... you were a triplet... then, you were born with just a twin. Now you're the only one left." How will he feel? Ugh.

Gabby said she felt sick... "What? What's wrong? Are you hot? Does your tummy hurt? Why do you feel sick?" Is she warm? Watch her like a hawk. "Is Rocco acting normal?" Ok... it's ok. Nobody's sick. Calm down. But, what will I do the next time Rocco or Gabby has a fever? Overreact... probably.

We cremated my baby today. My. Sweet. Child. Was. Cremated. We witnessed it. I saw him one last time. I cut as much hair from the top of his head as I could. His hair was different. It wasn't fuzzy like it should be. He looked different. Even more different than on Saturday. It's not him anymore. It wasn't him on Saturday either... but even more not him today. That wasn't my child. My kid's the cute, bubbly, smiley, chubby-cheeked happy kid with a giggle that melts my heart. Best kid in the room. The one any parent would want to steal and could snuggle all night. That wasn't my baby in that casket. Where's Matteo?

They gave us his clothes that he's worn since last Thursday... aka, Day 4 of Hell. We put them in a bag. I opened the bag a few hours after I got home. I felt them... pulled them out. I smelled them. I cried. That's not how he smells. I don't want these clothes. That's not how my baby smells... these clothes smell like death or something. I smelled them again. I cried harder. Yuck. I can't stand this... I hate this. Death. Sucks.

Where's my third kid? I know we have one... where is he?

"Why did Matatoe die?"

Gabby & I woke up together this morning... quite late... as I seem to never be able to fall asleep before 3am anymore. She woke up happy and giggly and then she layed back down and looked up at the ceiling and started an interesting conversation...

Gabby: "Mommy, why did Matatoe die?"
Me: "Well Gabby... we don't know yet. We know he was sick and had a fever... but we don't yet know why he died."
Gabby: "But mommy.... why did he die?"
Me: "That's a very good question... I don't know why he died yet."


Then, my SIL, Patty, and my mom later told me that Gabby was with them in another room... and she was looking at all the Matteo photo boards we made for the funeral. She was asking what the words were on each of the boards. Then she was telling my mom what the letters were in Matteo's name. I guess she stopped... and started putting her little hands on all the different photos of him. And... she started another conversation...

Gabby: "Why did Matateo die?"
Gammy: "We don't know yet Gabby."
Gabby: "Yeah. But what made him die?"
Gammy: "We're trying to find out... we know he was sick."
Gabby: "I'm just going to fight and kick and keep it away from me. I don't want to die, Gammy... why did he die?"

Matteo Tate

Matteo (meaning = Gift of God)

Tate (meaning = Full of Cheer)

We certainly named him appropriately...

Mommy's Letter to Matteo

Read by Jodi during Matteo's memorial service/funeral.

****

My Dear Sweet Baby Matteo,

I usually don’t have a difficult time finding words. But, for the first time in my life, I’m really struggling.

So many things to say… and I don’t know where to begin.

My heart is broken. Completely broken. I ache for you with a pain that I have never before known and I’m not yet sure how to manage.

I am so thankful that we spent last Friday together as a family. And, I am so thankful I was able to care for you and snuggle and love you all day last Saturday. If only I would have known that it was going to be my last day with you. I wouldn’t have taken my eyes off of you for a single moment, or ever put you down to sleep by yourself. I would have held you all night long. Even if I would have known you were going to die… I would have held you so you wouldn’t have to be scared, so you would feel loved, and so you would know you weren’t alone.

The night you died… I had prayed to God. I said “Dear God, please take care of my sweet baby Matteo. He is very sick, he has a 104.3 fever and really needs your help so he can get better fast. I don’t know what is wrong with him – but he doesn’t deserve to be sick anymore.” Now, I find myself wondering if that is the moment in which God decided to make you an angel. He took you exactly one year to the day in which you were baptized. How I wish you would have woken me up in that instant so I could run to your room and make you come back to us.

When I first saw you Sunday morning. I knew instantly you were gone and you had been for a while. I knew in my heart and soul that you were now an angel among us. But, I couldn’t put you down. I didn’t want to let you go.

Mommies are supposed to make you feel better. We fix things, give hugs and kisses and help make the pain go away. As your mommy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from whatever took you away from us that horrible night. I find myself desperately trying to make sense of it all… and that is very, very difficult.

Over the past few nights, I’ve found comfort in looking at the moon and stars. There was a really bright star in the sky on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night. It was brighter than any other star out there. I hoped and wanted to believe so desperately that it was you… telling me you were ok. You were safe. You didn’t feel sick anymore and you were happy up in Heaven and would watch over us forever.

I find myself constantly yearning and looking for signs of your presence. I hear birds chirping... and I tell Gabby that it’s you telling us “Good Morning”. I see a random bird fly by… and I tell Gabby it’s you just checking in on us. Little Matt… if only you knew how lost I feel right now… and how sad and empty I am without you here in my arms.

Everything about life seems different now. Absolutely EVERYTHING. You’ve changed me to the core of who I thought I was.

In my mind I can still see you clearly. I can smell you. I can still feel you burrowing into my shoulder. I can feel your hair between my fingers. I just can’t believe you’re gone. And, I’m so scared to not see your face clearly anymore and to lose my sense of feeling you.

What I do know is that your daddy and I could not be more proud of who you were.

You were and will remain in our memories, the absolute PERFECT child.

You are a child every parent would brag about. You were the happiest little baby I have ever known. Always smiling and full of hugs and kisses. I loved how I could snuggle up to you for hours and how you would be perfectly content. I loved watching you observe the world you lived in… never in a hurry… just taking in each moment, perfectly comfortable with quiet play time, and interacting with those who loved you. You were as content in this world as you were in my womb. Always a gentle soul… so loving… and an absolute angel from the start.

You were beautiful and handsome and I so looked forward to seeing the man you would become.

For someone with such a short life… there are so many things I already miss.

I miss
* Seeing your big happy smile and hearing your silly happy laugh.
* Your wiggles and dances.
* Your beautiful, handsome face, your golden suntanned skin, your perfect feet and hands and your fuzzy, curly, white-boy fro mohawk hair.
* Seeing you greet your brother every morning with a big smile and a hug and kiss.
* Seeing you throw your right arm up in the air, and yell “Dadaaaaaaa!” to always greet your daddy.
* Seeing Dan hold and hug you, and you nuzzling into his shoulder.
* Seeing Gabby hug and kiss you and love all over you, and you loving it.
* Seeing Rocco kiss you on the lips. Seeing you kiss Rocco. Seeing the two of you hug… and do all those crazy things only twins do.
* Hearing you say “Eyes”… and then reaching over to slowly poke your brother in the eye.
* You burying your head in my shoulder and hiding your face when someone new was within arm’s reach of us. And you pretending like they couldn’t see you just because your face was buried… and then your sudden glances to them with your silly crazy eyes face.
* Seeing you get SO excited to see me, and having you and Rocco fight over me.
* Seeing you play so contently for hours with all your blocks and toys.
* Seeing you ride the rocking horse and cruising on your toy trucks throughout the house and up and down the neighborhood sidewalks.
* Seeing and hearing multiple twin battles take place throughout the day… over toys, blankets, sippy cups and bottles.
* Seeing Rocco steal food off your tray.
* Hearing your precious voice and growing vocabulary.

Matt, I want you to know your precious little soul has touched so many people. You have impacted more people in one week than I could EVER hope to impact in my lifetime. Your daddy and I have received so many wonderful letters from people we know and people we don’t know. We have had so many conversations this week about what people have learned from you. Because of you, more mommies and daddies are spending extra time with their sweet babies... more hugs are being given… more kind words are being exchanged… priorities are changing... and a deeper sense of understanding and patience is spreading around the globe like wildfire. Such an amazing feat for a young little man. And for that, I am an incredibly proud mommy.

In losing you… you have taken away my fear of death. I now have absolutely no doubt that Heaven exists and I KNOW I will see you again someday. I don’t know when… but I do believe and know I will see you again. Knowing that you are in Heaven makes it seem oddly welcoming. I SO look forward to the day I will see your beautiful face again and am able to hold you in my arms. But this time… I will NEVER let you go.

Until then sweet angel, Matt, please watch over your sister, brother and baby Surprise. Keep them safe and please help to guide them in troubling times. Please watch over your daddy and I, and help us find strength in each other while we struggle in this new life without you. Please be a guardian to your cousins, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, and all of our dear and beloved friends.

Matteo – I do KNOW you are an angel. I know you are with us. And, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me be your mommy… for sharing your life with us… and for being so perfectly, PERFECTLY you. You will continue to live on in my heart and soul. Forever. And, not a minute of every day will pass without me thinking of you.

I love you sweet precious baby.

Gabby's Special Letter to Matteo

We worked with Gabby on a letter to her brother Matteo. These are Gabby's words only. We read it at Matteo's memorial service/funeral today.

****
Dear Matatoe (pronounced like & rhymes with potato),

I sent Matatoe a balloon... to him in the sky.

Rocco said “I want the balloon” and “I love Matatoe”.

I like him to play with me every day. I love him.

He still is dead, but he’ll come back to us. Don’t cry when he looks dead. It will be ok. It won’t be scary.

I love Matatoe in our whole live hearts.

I love him.

Don’t worry… he can come back to us. He is in my heart. He is in Daddy’s heart. He is in mommy’s and Rocco’s heart. He is in all our hearts.

He will never come back… but he will.

He is an angel now.

He makes the birds chirp for us in the morning.

Mommy showed me his star in the sky… we saw him. Angels are stars sometimes. He will come back to us… he is an angel and angels have powers to be more than one thing. Matatoe is in your heart mommy. He will come back to us.

Right now he’s on our shoulder, but I don’t see him on our shoulder.

I love Matatoe.

Words spoken by Gabriella Grace Martino.
Age 3.5
July 10, 2009

Wiggles & Dance.

I found these two recent videos of Matt and the kids... it makes me sob to see them now. But, I'm so glad I have them.

Make sure you take the time to wiggle with your kid(s) today.

Dan recorded this one morning and it's the sweetest thing ever. In the past few months, Dan and I have commented countless times how much fun it is to watch the three kids play together. We LOVED watching them all play together. LOVED it. Literally. We would always talk about how this was the best part of parenting and how we couldn't imagine having less than 3 kids... simply because of how much fun it was to watch the interaction and love between them. And yes, fights too of course. But those were more humourous than anything. We'd talk about how we looked forward to how they'd interact at X age... or how it would be so fun to continue watching Rocco and Matteo play ball together. Rocco always the thrower... Matteo always the catcher. I just honestly can NOT believe I won't ever again be able to see my three babies play together again. It breaks my heart over and over again.

Just wish I had recorded a million more things that somehow I didn't.

Matteo Tate Martino Memorial

Many people have asked, and I now have the information to share.

If you wish to contribute to the MATTEO TATE MARTINO MEMORIAL, please follow the below instructions.

1. Make checks out to: MATTEO TATE MARTINO MEMORIAL.
2. You may send the check to our home if you prefer. For obvious reasons, our address will not be shared here.
3. Or, you can mail a check directly to this address:
ELECTRIC FEDERAL CREDIT UNION
PO BOX 6479
SAN JOSE, CA 95150-6479

Please know that because we do not yet know the cause of death, we are uncertain at this point as to how the funds will be used or awarded.

Many people have also asked if they can bring a meal to us. Yes, you can. And, yes, it will be very much appreciated. More than words can describe. Truly. In the hopes that nothing will go to waste, please contact KATHLEEN HART, who has so kindly offered to manage a dinner/meal schedule for us. She can be reached at kmhart23@hotmail.com or via her home phone #408.395.4787.

Again... thank you for all the hugs, tears, kind words, thoughts, reaching out with your own stories of loss, advice, virtual hugs... and just everything.

Please know that if you have called or sent a note or a text and we have not gotten back to you yet, it is not because we are ignoring you or didn't see or hear your message. This week has been very traumatic, as you know. And, there has been a whirlwind of activity surrounding the planning of Matt's funeral, etc., that is keeping us busier than we would prefer.

Trust me when I say Dan & I are taking the time to reread everything or listen to everything more than once. It helps us and is our current therapy. We feel compelled to respond to and thank everyone for every gesture of kindness and every note or message we've received... it may just take longer than we would like.

Words. And, thank you...

The past two days of our lives have been the worst. In some moments, it feels like Matteo died 14 days ago. And, in other moments, the memories are so fresh and painful... it feels like 14 seconds ago.

And yet, I don't think Dan or I have ever before felt more loved by our amazing, unbelieveable network of family and friends (old and new).

Isn't it strange and awful... how tragedy seems to make us stop and immediately know what is important in life.

The past two nights, I've spent a lot of time looking at the moon and stars. A very bright star off to the left of the moon, in particular... that seems to have caught my eye. Monday night, I sat in Rocco & Matteo's room in the rocking chair until 2am. I rocked by myself... looking into Rocco's crib - listening to him breathe. I talked to Matteo for a long time. Several times, I swear I saw him. I even saw him standing in Rocco's crib looking towards the window... it was so clear and vivid, I had to get up to try and reach for him. My heart skipped beats. But, he wasn't there.

I sat there wishing he was laying in his crib. His empty crib. Not even a sheet on the mattress. Everything was taken from our home that awful, tragic morning. His sheets, his blankets. I can't even hold them. They took them from us.

I do however have the cute blue "Matteo" towel a dear friend gave to us, which I cradled him and tried to warm him up in after his last bath. Untouched. Unwashed. I also have the fleece jacket I wore all day Saturday... with Matteo's hair still weaved into it in several places. Him and I spent the majority of the day together, snuggling on the sofa, in our morning snuggles position. I buried my nose into the shoulder and took deep breaths today. I smelled my baby. But, it didn't take away my hurt.

Rocco is stressed and it was incredibly evident today. His best friend, Matteo, is gone. And, he knows. Yesterday, Rocco went to Matteo's crib and patted it, saying "No Tao... no Tao" and then layed down on his blankie on the floor... looking in the direction of the now empty crib. This morning... my parents said he looked into the mirror in his playroom and said "Tao, Tao" and then layed down and cried. He has cried more today and acted out more than he ever has in the past. Little things that never bothered him before, bother him today. Everything is more dramatic for him. Tonight, 20 minutes after we put him to bed.... I went to retrieve him (so he could come sit with me & the family downstairs) after hearing him scream "Momma... momma". I went up to check him and he was hovering in the corner looking scared and paniced and crying like I had never heard him cry. A fearful cry. Normally, if he was upset or crying in bed and not going down easily... he was standing, jumping and screaming/crying, boldly.

On Monday night, Gabby spent 15 minutes telling me, Dan, Gammy, Papa, Uncle Dave and Julia, with incredible, explicit detail... all that she unfortunately witnessed that awful morning. I was so saddened to hear her repeat it over and over to us. But, so glad she could tell us in so many words, with such detail... and allow us to explain what was happening. That daddy wasn't trying to hurt Matteo. Daddy was trying to bring him back to life while on the phone with 911.

We continue to be amazed by the outpouring of love from everyone. People we know. People we don't know. Family near and far. Friends we talk to often. Friends we haven't heard from in years but hold in our memories and hearts. It amazes us. And, somehow... it seems to help.

It helps to hear someone cry on the other end of the phone. It helps to hug someone, be hugged and just cry together. It helps to read notes... even if you don't know what to say, and say that you don't know what to say. I mean... what do you say? There are no perfect, magic words. No words will change things. No words will bring our dear, sweet Matteo back to us. No words will make us not hurt or feel this pain. No words are wrong or hurtful. We know you are trying to tell us you love us, that you're thinking of us, that you're praying for us, that you're holding our dear sweet baby in your hearts and thoughts. And, that means everything to us right now.

I wonder if I will ever live another day in my life where I do not start and end my day with crying. I wonder if I will ever again sleep more than 3 hours at night. Every time I wake up, I see Matteo, my mind starts racing, and I can't sleep. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel truly happy and whole again. I doubt it. I wonder if when someone I don't know at a checkout counter or wherever asks me how I am doing, I won't think in my head of replying with "F*&*ing AWFUL... how much time do you have?"

I wonder if I will ever not think of Matteo every single minute of my life... because I honestly HOPE with all of my heart that I do not go a minute without thinking of him. Right now... it's hard to leave my home filled with his photos and happy memories.

We are still trying to understand why Matteo left us. We have no answers yet. And that is additionally painful. My baby had a fever. A FEVER. Why did he DIE?!

I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sense of this awful, horrible tragedy.

In a way, I suppose our precious little Matt's life has impacted your lives in many ways by now. We have heard from so many people... around the world and back again. People we know. People we don't know.

Maybe you'll hug your kids tighter. Maybe you'll hug your family and friends tighter. Maybe you'll understand that some of the chaos your dealing with in your day today really doesn't matter in the big scheme of life. Maybe your troubles today will seem less troublesome. Maybe you will stop and smell the roses. Maybe your priorities will change.

What a big feat for such a little man. Truly.

If Matteo has changed you, and made you stop and think about what is important to you... then I could not be a more proud mommy. But... I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to have him back here with me... right here, right now... this instant. Yes, I would be that selfish. He was the happiest little man I have ever met. Always smiling. Always wiggling when happy. Always wiggle wobbling his silly little walk while happily following his big sister and brother throughout the house. He was what life is all about.

Dan and I both thank you for taking the time to reach out to us.

Your thoughtfulness will not be forgotten and is helping us through this incredibly, unbearable, difficult time in our lives.

THANK YOU!

Matteo's Funeral Arrangements

Here are the details surrounding the funeral service for our beloved son, Matteo.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

St. Mary's Church

219 Bean Avenue

Los Gatos, CA 95030

11am - 1pm: Open casket viewing

1pm: Funeral Mass

There will be no burial service. We decided to have Matteo's remains cremated so he will always be with us and within an arm's reach from our hearts.

All friends and family are welcome at our home following the ceremony.

Many people have asked if they can contribute to a memorial fund. Please know we are working on these details and hope to have this information to share within the next 24 hours.

Very Heavy Hearts.

The past week started with two doctor visits. Dan brought Rocco in on Monday (for some little man issues) and I brought Gabby in on Tuesday. Gabby had a ruptured ear... so crazy... as she didn't even complain about her ear hurting until Monday night. When I left the doctor on Tuesday... Dr. O asked when I'd be bringing in the third, lil Matteo. This was so often the pattern of the past 9 months. Bring one in... then by the end of the week, we'd have brought them all in.

The week ended tragically. A way that I still can not even believe. But I know it's real because the pain and sorrow and hurt I feel is all I can feel or even think about.

Our dear sweet angel baby, Matteo Tate, left us to become a true angel.

Matteo came down with a fever of 103.7 on Friday afternoon. We paged the doctor and his advice was give him a bath and Tylenol, which I had already done. I remember Matteo shivering and not happy when I was giving him the bath. He woke up several times throughout the night and Dan got up with him each time. Each time he drank a few ounces of milk and went back to bed. Matteo's waking temperature on Saturday at 6am was 101.7. We got it down to 99.9 around 1pm and I thought he was beginning to feel a bit better as he started playing with Rocco and Gabby instead of clinging to me and just wanting to be held. His fever crept up again in the afternoon and was 102.4 around 2pm and 102.7 around 5pm. By 8pm, it had reached 104.3. But the odd thing was that he was outside with Rocco and Gabby... wiggling around, hitting the ball with the bat, and poking at ants. He was tired though. So I decided it was time to put him down for bed.



















Oh God... if only I would have known.

I rocked him while he drank his bottle. He held onto his blankie and he held onto me. He nestled into my chest and breast and looked up at me a few times to make sure I was there holding him. I know he was so uncomfortable and warm. I layed him down on his back, on his blanket and he rolled over immediately, like he always did. He started to stir and whine and cry a little as I was shutting his door. I walked back in... thinking I would need to rock him some more. But, he settled in. So I shut the door. The last time I would ever look at my sweet baby Matteo alive.

The baby monitor was on all night. I hear every single peep and it was silent all night. Both boys slept through the night, or so we thought.

Rocco started crying at 5:09am. Dan went in and put him back down on his back, and he was falling back asleep. Dan went over to check on Matteo. He touched him... and he knew.

I heard Dan yell for me and he had Matteo in his arms. Immediately, when I heard Dan yell... I knew. I don't know how I knew. But I knew he was dead. And, I was immediately in shock and crying and screaming at the top of my lungs.

I held my dead baby. I. Held. My. Dead. Baby. Nobody in the world should ever have to hold their dead child. Or see that. Or have memories of the vision or smells of their dead baby. Nobody. Ever.

I held and hugged him until the police made me leave so they could do what they needed to do. That was followed by the coroner. The hell started at 5:09am and has only continued. I held him and cried on him and cut some of his hair before they took him from our home which now seemed so cold and empty.

We talked with the coroner for a very long time. They are leaning towards two causes of death at this point. One of which is Meningococcal. The other of which may have been an enlarged heart, which would have been a very rare side effect of the Hand, Foot and Mouth disease which all the kids had a little over a month ago. We are hoping to know more at some point today.

Our hearts are beyond heavy. Our heads hurt. Our hearts hurt. I have never cried or hurt so much in my entire life.

Grief has swept into my happy home and heart and has taken over.

Dan and I could not sleep last night. I kept thinking Gabby had a fever or she had stopped breathing. Dan could not bear to leave Rocco without checking on him every hour. We both found ourselves sneaking into his room and pinching him or making sure he was breathing. I found a blanket and pillow on the floor this morning in the twins bedroom between the cribs. Dan had tried to sleep in there last night.

I was awake all night. All. Night. I could not stop playing over and over in my head Dan yelling my name, me knowing... not sure how I knew, but I did. And, the memories of holding my sweet, sweet dead baby boy. My mind kept repeating over and over Meningococcal. Me hearing myself say it. Me hearing the coroner say. Me hearing the pediatrician say it. That word alone haunted me throughout the night.

And all I could do was cry. I cried to myself. Then, I would cry louder and would get up and go to our bathroom and weep. I could only simply ache for my sweet baby Matteo. He would have been 18 months old on the 10th. Today is Dan & my 7th wedding anniversary. And, today is the second worst day of my entire life. And, tomorrow will be the third. And, Tuesday will be the fourth.

The worst days of my life.

Rocco did Matteo's wiggle today several times. He's looking for his brother. I know he already misses his best friend, his twin. Gabby knows her brother is dead. But, she then asks why she can't play with him and tells me she misses him a lot and then she reminds me he will come back to us.

I know he's an angel. But, I miss my baby. I want him back. Here with me.

I guess if anything, I am thankful I got to hold him, snuggle him, and play with his hair and hold his chubby feet all day on Saturday. I'm so thankful I was there with him... all day. And that I saw him happy on Saturday. I saw him play with Rocco and Gabby one last time and I will hold that memory in my heart forever. Even though it now hurts so bad every time I think of the fact I will never see that again.

Not many people know... but I am about 13 weeks pregnant with a baby Surprise. We weren't planning it. We never thought it would happen to us. But, somehow it did and our baby Surprise is due to arrive 3 days after Rocco and Matteo would have turned 2 years old. I'm trying to take deep breaths and remind myself that amidst this horrible, awful, hell we're living right now... I need to stay strong and nourish baby Surprise. It's difficult.

Matteo Tate Martino
January 10, 2008 - July 5, 2009
17 months, 25 days old
Rest in Peace, Sweet Angel

Here are a few very recent photos of our little angel:

























































And, some from Friday at Gilroy Gardens:


































































I caught this shot on Saturday... Matt was snuggling his sleepy daddy on the sofa while watching "Go Diego Go!" This photo was probably taken within 12 hours of his death:

















And then earlier in the day on Saturday, I guess the kids were hungry for some Fruit Loops... I think Rocco did the deed of spilling them all over the floor. All 3 enjoyed dining off the floor... and then Rocco made the effort to clean it up.

Red pepper flakes will knock you over!

There were 2 pizza boxes sitting on the table yesterday morning from pizza the night before. Rocco was so interested in those pizza boxes... he kept climbing up onto the chairs around the table, and would open and close the pizza boxes.

I was sitting with Matteo on the sofa watching early morning cartoons.

Suddenly, I heard a plunk and then a scream and I jump off the sofa and see that Rocco is laying on the kitchen floor (well... getting up from the floor now) crying. It's so unlike Rocco to lose his balance... that was very strange.

I ran over to him, and found red pepper flakes all over the floor and the table. I held him and he cried and held onto me and then kept spitting on my shoulder. I'm no detective... but I am very sure that Mr. Rocco found and opened one of the little containers of red pepper flakes, tried tasting it and then he was so shocked by the spicey taste that it knocked him off the chair.

I couldn't help but laugh a little once I put the puzzle pieces together. What a little goofball.

New words!

The boys have been busy working on expanding their vocabulary. Both are doing super great and new words are being said almost daily now. It's fun to see them get excited when WE get excited to hear them say a word.

Matteo seems to have a little trouble with "R" sounds, which is super cute. And, Rocco seems to pick words up a little slower than Matteo, but be very interested in the sounds that animals make (loves to mimic dogs and birds).

Below are a lot of the words they have said more than once. Some of them don't sound exactly like the word... but we know what they're saying. I remember the days of Gabby saying things like "popakickle" (for popsicle) and "mazagine" (for "magazine") and "hold you?" (for "hold me")and not wanting her to ever say things the right way! =)

Matteo words:
Daddy
Mommy
Gobby (for Gabby)
Cocco (for Rocco)
No
Yucky
Cookie
Birdy
Octopus
Cracker (Cocka)
PeePee
Belly
Nose
Ear (eaw)
Car (Caw)
Ball
Owy (as in… that hurts type of owy!)
What?
Baby
Bankie (for Blanket)
Mukky (for Milky, aka milk)
Down

Rocco words:
Dadda
Momma
Gobby (for Gabby)
Shoes (Shewwwzzzzzz)
Cracker (Cocka)
No
Birdy
Ball
Weeee!
Owy (as in… that hurts type of owy!)
Whassssaaaaat (as in “what’s that?”…. and he uses it appropriately so we’ve decided this is truly what he is trying to say)
Baby
Blankie
Muky (for Milky, aka milk)
Down
Pretzel

Rocco laughing!

Rocco must have one of the world's best laughs!

Last night when I was getting Rocco ready for bed, we were playing a little game. Well... I was teasing him... trying to make him laugh. I would slap my face and make a funny, surprised face and then Rocco would laugh really hard. I started doing this after he slapped his own face, making ME make a surprised face and then seeing him laugh super hard.

We did this for a while. I was able to record a bit of it via the Flip camera before Dan came over to bring Rocco to bed.

Now that I think about it... this probably isn't the best game to play with Rocco. Obviously... we wouldn't want him to play the game with the unsuspecting person and have him slap someone else's face. But oh well... I got his fabulous laugh recorded. No regret's here! =)

So cute:

Matteo loves his big sister!

On Saturday while Rocco was taking his second nap, Gabby and Matteo were enjoying a little "Go Diego Go!" while mommy cleaned up the kitchen. We had spent the entire day playing hard outside in the sun, and were fresh out of the bathtub... and our little princess was tired. So, Gabby fell asleep on the sofa. Matteo climbed down off the sofa and walked over to where Gabby was, climbed up onto the sofa next to her and started cuddling and snuggling Gabby while she slept. He would pat her head and say "Gabby" and then lean down and put his head against her and hug her.

It was SO CUTE!!

Eventually, I thought to run and grab the Flip camera, and by that time I of course had to encourage it a little so Matt would continue doing what he was doing.

This is what I got:

Anyway, this info is an entirely different post... but Matteo has recently decided he is now on a schedule that consists of 1 nap daily. There are still 1 or maybe 2 days a week where we will try to give him a second nap, but it is never a long one IF he actually falls asleep. Rocco still needs two naps daily otherwise, he will hit the bed hard at 6pm. Gabby will still nap at school, but rarely naps at home now. If she does nap at home, her bedtime ends up being crazy-late.

Gabby loves reading to her brothers

Gabby loves reading to her brothers. The little fellas couldn't help but lay down on their tummies next to Gabby when they spotted her reading a book on the floor this past weekend.

More and more, I'm finding they to want to do and be a part of whatever it is their big sister is doing. Rocco had to be sure to get right down on his tummy like his big sister. And, Matteo was so excited to be laying right between the both of them.

I'll often find Gabby and Matteo sitting quietly and reading books. They both love to flip through the pages. While Gabby pretends to actually read the book and often tells her own version of the story out loud, Matteo will study everything in the pictures and point and make comments... some of which you can understand.... like "wow", "birdy", "flower".

I have yet to find Rocco sitting and enjoying a little reading time. I have yet to actually discover him sitting much at all. =)

Sunday FUNday!

We enjoyed a really fun, relaxing weekend with the kiddos recently.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was our lazy Sunday FUNday in the back yard. After morning naps... we put all the kids in their swimsuits (Miss Gabby putting her OWN swimsuit on, of course) and let them play in the pool, the water table and the sandbox in the backyard. They had so much fun splashing around and throwing water on each other. We even fed the little monkeys lunch on their picnic table outside.

Gabby is SUCH a great big sister to her little brothers. They just adore her and get so excited when she plays and interacts with them. And, it's so fun to see her play with them, throw balls to them, and include them in her play activities. She makes us so proud.

The most entertaining part of the day must have been when Rocco decided to take a bucket full of water over to daddy and dump it on him. The way he did it was even funnier... it was as if he had watched a lot of championship games on TV, where the players sneak up behind the unknowing coach and throw water on him. Rocco was being so funny trying to sneak up behind Dan with his water bucket. Then, Gabby followed with her bucket... and Matteo was soon to follow with a random container of water. Another funny thing was that by the time Matt would get to Dan, there was never any water left in his container. This "throw water on daddy fun" must have lasted at least a half hour. Here's a few action videos.

AHA! Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease...

Aha! So... it wasn't just a 24 hour flu bug that hit us last week!!

Matteo started his 24 hour fever on a Sunday, the next day Gabby got it. Then, a day later I noticed Rocco & Matteo had little red spots all over their feet. Matteo's were much worse looking... kind of like blisters. Rocco's looked more like bug bites.

I sat on it. I thought that maybe they had spent a lot of time walking around outside with their shoes off that day and they were having a strange reaction to the grass.

The next day, the spots on Matteo's feet look more like blisters. They looked sore! Rocco's weren't really blisters, but were big red spots. Then, Rocco also got a fever.

Finally, after waking up at 3:40am on Friday morning to hold Rocco so he could sleep, Dan made an appointment to bring the kids in to the doctor. Gabby BEGGED to go with... I guess she wanted a sucker. We let her go... we figured the doctor owes us a LOT of suckers by now!

Anyway, after Dan gave Dr. O the 411, he inspected the boys... and then asked to take a look inside Gabby's mouth. Apparently, she had some lesions in her mouth and he then declared "All 3 of your kids have had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease… not to be confused with Hoof & Mouth Disease.”

Lovely.

Apparently, this fun little disease spreads like gangbusters in kids aged 6 months - 4 years. It is most recognizable by small blisters on the hands and/or feet and lesions in the mouth.

Thanks SF zoo… looks like we ended up going home with a few souvenirs after all!

First Sucker Experience!

Well... the boys have now had their first experience with suckers. Gabby was eating one on the sofa the other day... and the little guys just happened to be sitting next to her. Rocco took a try and decided he would be ALL OVER Gabby to get a few more tries. And, Matteo actually liked getting in on it too.


Ok... I know... really not a great idea to encourage them swapping spit. Especially with how my kids seem to share every illness under the moon. But... whatever... this was just so cute I couldn't pass up on recording it after it had started.... and encouraging the cuteness!

Matteo wiggles....

This is the cutest... Matteo has the cutest little wiggle that he does when he gets excited or happy. He wiggles when you play catch with him, and he wiggles when we turn "Go Diego Go!" on.

It's so cute I can't help but smile when I watch this. I only wish we would have gotten a close-up shot of his cute little cheekers when he did his wiggle tonight while we were playing outside.

SO CUTE!

24 Hour Flu Bug??

If there is a bug to be caught somewhere… one of my kids will catch it. Undoubtedly. Poor little Matt seemed to have caught a 24 hour fever. I’m guessing he picked it up at the zoo. He seemed a little off on Sunday… and then he had a 102 fever by Sunday evening. That night he was waking up constantly and fought his fever the entire night. Thankfully, I have an unbelievable husband who took on 100% of the night duty and then got up with sick/fussy Matt at 5:20am. Don’t worry… Mr. Martino was rewarded with a five hour nap on Monday morning. Yes F-I-V-E hours. No lie.

Since Matteo was still feeling yucky on Monday, he was having a difficult time trying to go down for his morning nap. So, I would rock him and he’d fall asleep. I’d put him down in his crib asleep… he’d wake up… I’d rub his back… he’d fall asleep… I’d try to sneak out… and he’d sit up and cry harder. Repeat x3. It was so sad… my poor little guy! All the while, Rocco was napping soundly in the same bedroom. Finally, Rocco was woken up by the drama. I tried to handoff Matteo to Dan, so Dan could nap with him. But, Matt was in full-on mommy-velcro-mode. And, it upset Matt so much that he was handed off to Dan that he decided to cry harder, which ended up making him throw up all over himself.

So, I bathed him… calmed him down… gave him water... rocked him. Somehow his lethargic little arm had serious lockdown on my arm, and he would not let go. I eventually got him to lie down in Gabby’s bed so I could lay with him. I was able to unlock my arm from his… I ran out of the room… grabbed Dan and had him run in there (Matt had already realized I was gone and started crying again).

But, the little guy… and big guy… finally napped. For FIVE LONG HOURS. I knew Matt needed rest to get better. And, if I wanted any good-wife points for the weekend, I knew Daddy had earned a nap too.

When they woke up at 2pm, Matt was acting so much more himself and by 4pm, his fever was gone. The bummer was that by 2pm, little Miss Gabby had also developed the fever.
Thankfully, Rocco was not hit by this little fever bug! YAY!

Trip to the Zoo!!

We decided to take the kids to the San Francisco zoo on Saturday. It was beautiful, sunny and warm where we live. And, it was like winter in San Francisco. Thankfully, we checked the weather first and packed winter coats and hats for all the kids.

I’m not a huge fan of the zoo. I always end up feeling bad for the animals. But, it was fun to do something adventurous as a family over the long weekend.


The kids had a great time. Gabby really wanted to see the new baby gorilla… but unfortunately, mommy gorilla still had a tight watch over the baby and kept her inside. But, the kids did get to see a few of the other gorilla’s being active and putting on a show… so that lifted her spirits a bit. They beat their chests, climbed trees, etc.


There were also a few good bear exhibits. The kids even got to stand next to a large glass wall/window and the grizzly bears came right up to them.


Gabby REALLY liked the polar bears and gorilla’s best. Ever since, she has taken her gigantic polar bear stuffed animal to bed with her the past few nights. It’s just as tall as her. Rocco & Matteo seemed to like the giraffes, gorillas and grizzly bears the best. They were really only interested in large animals that were moving around. Anything small or large and sleeping never captivated their interest.


After hitting all the cool animals, we decided to feed the kids. AT THE ZOO. It has been months since we’ve taken all 3 kids to a restaurant. Seriously… MONTHS (since August 08). Gabby is an angel in restaurants and isn’t a concern. But – the boys. Yikes. They are little copy cats who pretty much need to be tied down to eat. The thought alone of taking them to a restaurant is overwhelming.


Anyway, the zoo’s cafeteria seemed manageable. I put table toppers in front of each child. We quickly dropped the boys in high chairs, threw food in front of them. And, for 3 minutes (maybe)… we all sat at the same table. Dan & I looked at each other with big smiles and we said “WOW! We’re DOING it! We’re feeding OUR THREE kids in public!” Then, Rocco decided it was time to scream, get out and begin wandering the entire cafeteria. So much to see & explore. Matteo then followed… if his brother was going to wander… he was as well. Gabby sat nicely and enjoyed her zoo lunch.


If we learned anything from the zoo cafeteria it was that we are definitely not taking the twins to a restaurant anytime soon. Well… a restaurant that we could possibly get kicked out of anyway. I’m sure any McDonalds with a play structure would work out just fine.


A day at the zoo = tired kids. Rocco passed out on the walk back to the car. Then, Gabby & Rocco both slept on the ride home. And about 5 minutes before getting to our house… Rocco woke up, started crying and fussing… and I KNEW he was about to get carsick. Sure enough. He puked up his lunch, all over himself, in his car seat. Poor kid.


I have to call our pediatrician and see what they recommend for carsickness because poor little Rocco seems to get carsick quite frequently. This is the 4th time the little guy has gotten carsick.
Oh well… even with the end drama, it was still worth it.

Rocco's NEW Trick!

Check out Rocco’s new trick. This kid is AMAZING… such a strong little dare-devil!

A Happy Mother’s Day & Birthday

What was I most thankful for on Mother’s Day and my birthday this year? My family. I’ve got a lot to hug and kiss every day and I couldn’t be a happier momma!

Here is a photo of our little family… celebrating my birthday 3 days after the actual day… in the morning, before school and work. The kids got to eat chocolate cake for breakfast. Gabby was thrilled! I know.... I'm a GREAT mommy! =)

A corner of the cake was already eaten a day or two before this. But, that’s ok… that’s just the way life goes these days… and I’ll take a party when I can get one!

Dan gave me some beautiful flowers and we ended up going out on a date the following Friday night to get Indian food at one of our favorite restaurants.

Some recent CUTENESS!!

The kids are all SO MUCH fun when they are feeling good & healthy!

These are a few recent photos... well... ok... probably taken about two weeks ago on the tail end of the last round of sickness.

And, I just had to post this photo because when/if Gabby has to spend time in timeout... Rocco will often go and sit by her in timeout. Doesn't look like anyone is too upset here:

17 appointments in 11 days!

Ask Dan or I why we were a little physically and mentally exhausted over the past two weeks... and you'll hear a LOT about the fact that we just finished a record streak of 17 pediatric doctor appointments in 11 days. That meant sick kids... sleepless nights... juggling work schedules... and whiny kids who need extra love.

Seriously. 11 days of fun.

Again... who could make something like this up.

It all started with the well baby visits for Rocco and Matteo on Monday, 5/4, and went downhill from there. Granted... the boys picked up some bugs after hitting all our our Easter festivities. Three big and fun events in three days, going to bed later than normal, missing normal naptimes (therefore impacting length of naps), has proved to not be beneficial to the health of our little men. But, we sure did have a lot of fun regardless.

Both boys ended up getting ear infections... their first since having the tubes. Matteo didn't respond to the oral antibiotics so they ended up having him go in for 4 days of antibiotic shots to clear up his poor little ear. He was also on the tail end of battling bronchitis. Rocco was the second to get the ear infection, so they just put him on 3 days of shots instead of playing around with the oral stuff. I was thrilled. Seriously. Because I think the boys have both become pretty immune to the oral stuff. Because of Gabby's penicillin allergy... the little guys are never prescribed anything in the penicillin family. So perhaps their drugs are less potent? I don't know... but it seems that way.

In addition to the ear infections, Gabby got croup, Rocco battled with his bronchiolitis and he also got a case of the 24 hour stomach flu (just a high fever and threw up once). He was perfectly fine 24 hours later. Crazy!

And... we finished off the streak of appointments with the post-op audiology appointments for the boys. They did great - both passed. Both tested out to have perfectly normal hearing. Rocco was a bit harder to handle at the appointment... think lots of different things being stuck in an almost 16 month old's ears... and strange sound tests. He was not all too thrilled but apparently did much better than some 2 year olds. Matteo was really good. He looked at me a few times almost to say "Mom, what are they doing to me? Get me OUT of here!"... and he did manage to pull out the ear piece twice for the big test. But other than that, he was a star pupil.

Bottom line.... we spent $340.00 in 11 days. On DOCTOR appointments!! And we wonder where our money goes.... sheeeesh!!

Anyway... we're hoping to now start our HEALTHY streak!! We just have to bring the boys to see their ENT MD tomorrow, for their post-op appointment. Then, I think we're clear of MD appointments for a while. Fingers crossed!

My Three Favorite Things

Gabby: "Mommy, do you want to hear my three favoritest things?"

Me: "Yes. Do you mean your three most favorite things?"

Gabby: "Yes"

Me: "Ok"

Gabby: "My three most favorite things are princesses and princess dolls and dresses and castles and stories. And, I really like pink and purple. And I like butterflies a lot too!"

Me: "Wow! So your three favorite things are princesses, the colors pink and purple and butterflies"

Gabby: "No mommy... princesses, princess dolls and dresses and castles and stories... and pink and purple and butterflies.

15 Month Twin Stats

The 15 month growth stats are in for the boys!

ROCCO
Weight: 26lbs, 2oz (75th percentile)
Height: 31 7/8 inches (70th percentile)
Head: 50.1 cm (off the charts)
Tooth count: 8

MATTEO
Weight: 23lbs, 13oz (25th percentile)
Height: 31 inches (50th percentile)
Head: 49.7 cm (95th percentile)
Tooth count: 7

I will be shocked if Rocco does not outweigh Gabby by the time she turns 4 years old.

Rocco continues to be a really great eater... and will probably eat us into debt someday. Matteo just in recent weeks has also become much more interested in table foods and willing to try table foods he snubbed in the past. In addition to being a speed-eater like his father, Rocco will also still try to feed Matteo, Gabby, me or whoever is feeding him. Gabby always loves it when Rocco tries feeding her. It's really cute to see him try and put pizza in her mouth. At least she'll eat for someone, I guess! Rocco definitely outeats his sister. Actually, both boys do on most days I think. Matteo is still a bit of a food snob... he has his favorite foods and will eat when he chooses to eat. He's happiest when he has control over what's being put in his mouth so you're best of loading a fork full of food and passing it off to him to put in his mouth. Usually, that is then followed by his happy dance (same dance as his "Go Diego Go" dance... he wiggles and giggles... so cute!). Matt would surprise you in that he's got a stubborn side and it comes out if you try to feed him something he's unsure of.

The boys continue to get busier by the hour. They even try to jump out of their highchairs when they've decided they're done or if we're taking to long to help feed them. One little guy stands up.. then the other decides to stand up. Crazy little copycats!

Dan had a GREAT suggestion for future feedings (not!)... he said "Instead of feeding these guys we should just throw out live kill. They'd probably have a lot more fun having to hunt their food... it would keep 'em busy for a bit. AND... they'd probably be more excited to eat it since they had to work for it."

Hmmmmm... something to consider I guess. Ummmm.... NOT!

SWIMMIES!!!!

All three kids recently started spring swimming lessons. Gabby has of course taken swimming lessons before, but this is the very first class for the boys.

Since Gabby is 3, she is no longer in a class that requires a parent in the pool with her. It's just her, 3 other 3 year olds, and coach Justin. She's loving it and doing a great job. One of her recent accomplishments includes diving under the water surface and swimming to coach Justin. We're so proud of her!

The boys are LOVING swim lessons! And, they are absolutely fearless in the water.

Dan will go underwater with Rocco... approx 2-3 feet under the surface... and Rocco just loves it! Dan will signal to him, counting to 3, then saying "Deep breath" and then they go under SO FAR! WAY further than mommy would bring him under! Yikes! He'll close his eyes and hold his breath and he comes up like nothing happened, smiling and looking around and just perfectly fine. Every time I am in shock. He also climbs out of the pool on his own and jumps into the water on his own, into Dan's waiting arms, of course. It's funny though... because whenever he climbs out... he runs around to find a ball and then runs back to the edge of the water to jump in again with ball in-hand.

Matteo is also very unphased by going underwater. I ususally have Matteo for the majority of the swim class.. and unfortunately, this means he doesn't go as far under the water surface as Rocco does. But, I do bring him about a foot under the surface with me and he does great! He also comes up smiling and just looking around. He too clearly understands when it's time to hold his breath... I do the same count and "Deep Breath" signals that Dan does. Matt loves swimming on his belly and trying to gather balls/toys that are floating around. He'll jump off the edge into my arms in the water. He loves watching the other kids. And, I just LOVE hugging and cuddling and holding him during this fun little play session.

Gabby loved the water at 15 mnths, but HATED going UNDER water. I vividly remember dreading the point in each swim class when I would have to put just her face in the water. It would always result in screaming at that age. She hated it.

Dan & I try to switch off between the boys during class. But, he typically has Rocco and I have Matt for the majority of each class.

So far, it's been really fun for us to spend this time with the little fellas in swim class. Dan and I both seem to agree that swimming lesson night is one of our favorite "family" activities to date!

Not to mention the fact that seeing the little guys walking around the pool, next to their big sister, all in swimsuits is beyond cute!

Her new uniform... unveiled!

And, this would be Miss Gabby's new uniform - the Princess swimsuit (featuring Cinderella, Belle & Sleeping Beauty). She wears it almost every day... except on school days of course. But... she would wear it to school if she could, trust me.

Gabby even wore it to one of the Easter holiday parties we went to at my friend Kathleen's house. All the other kids were dressed in Easter dresses... and there's Gabby in a princess swimsuit with tutu.

Dan asked me as we left our house "Are you going to let her wear that?"

My response was "Well... I don't have the energy to wrestle her to the ground and switch her outfit... do you?"

Santa Cruz half Marathon Sunday - April 19, 2009

My friend, Kathleen, and I finished the 2009 Santa Cruz half marathon yesterday. And wow.... it was a HOT one! It hit 90 degrees here and in Santa Cruz yesterday.

We did great though, regardless. A new personal best for me. My official chip finishing time was 1:55:05. That's about a 8:47 min/mile pace. I came in at #81 of 557 finishers in the females 30-39 age category. Kathleen's finishing time was 1:52 (finished 63rd!)... and I think that was a new personsal best for her too.

We started out a lot faster than we should have... probably because a) we forgot our watches and b) we were still in line for the restrooms when the gun went off. So, by the time we crossed the STARTING line... the race had already started 6 minutes prior and we had a LOT of adrenaline to try and manage!

It wasn't my favorite course.... beautiful from the starting line to mile 3 and from mile 10 to the finish. But, it was bumpy dirt trails with lots of rocks looping around open farm fields from miles 6-9 (along an ocean cliff for probably 1.5 miles of that sucky part). And, because we started the race late... we spent the entire race trying to pass runners ahead of us and that's extra challenging on dirt paths. You sometimes run in the grass alongside the trail, trip on rocks or bumps or whatever. Not exactly as safe for your ankles as road racing. And to top it off... you finish the race off on the sandy beach. Yes... you run your last approx 20 yards on sand. Not sure who thought up that great idea.... clearly... not one of the runners.

The photo above is of us after the race all nice and stinky (taken with my BlackBerry) with the Santa Cruz wharf in the background.

This is me at home with the boys after... in the large photo... you can see the boys standing at the gate behind me crying because I'm not holding them. So, of course I had to pick 'em up to be in the photo.

14 day record broken... bummer!

Wow! We made it a whole 14 days without visiting the pediatrician!

But... every record is meant to be broken, right?

Unfortunately, all of our fun Easter festivities last weekend ended up bringing on another round of sickness in the Martino home. Not sure if it was brought on by the babies drinking out of other kids sippy cups at the Hart's party on Saturday night or from being wet out in the cold while at the egg coloring party at the Keene's on Friday night. But, by the Tuesday after Easter... Matt had a stuffy nose and by Wednesday, Rocco was also sick. Dan brought Matt to the doctor on Wednesday for fear of another ear infection because he was up all night. Apparently, he just had a sore throat, snotty nose and was stuffed up.

On Thursday, Rocco's snotty nose was in full force. Julia suspected he might have pink eye when he woke up from his afternoon nap because his right eye was very swollen and there was gunk coming out. Gabby had it a few weeks ago... so this seemed to make sense.

Well, when Rocco woke up on Friday morning... both of his eyes were red, swollen, and had gunk coming out of them. He looked like he was in a fight! Poor baby! He was diagnosed with Periorbital Cellulitis. Which, if left untreated can be incredibly serious. Apparently, some kids are actually admitted to the hospital right away for IV antibiotics.

I can't bear to post a photo of what he looked like... because it just makes my heart hurt and my eyes water. Poor

Rocco was given antibiotic shots for two days, eye drops (3xdaily) for 5 days, and an oral medication for 10 days. He is doing SO much better now and his eyes have completely cleared up... thank goodness!

Both boys are still snotty. Matt still has a bad cough. But, both seem to be getting better and I know I should knock on wood before I mention this... but NO EAR INFECTIONS! YAY RAH RAH TUBES!!

We had a super-fun weekend with all the kids regardless of them battling colds! We played outside a lot in the sun and sprinklers... it was LOTS of fun!

Easter wrap-up, PART IV

And, finally... Easter Sunday!

Gabby and I colored some more eggs with her Princess egg coloring kit while the babies took their morning naps. Then, when the babies woke up... they helped us finishe up the egg coloring. And then we remembered that the Easter bunny probably came the night before so we started the Easter egg and basket hunt which was lots of fun and lasted less than 5 minutes.

Cinderella bath doll, a Belle doll, a Cinderella head with hair to style, new PJ's, Teddy Grahams, Tootsie Pops, a chocolate bunny... wow! The boys both got baseball gloves and baseballs, HotWheels cars, new sweaters, new t-shirts, chocolate bunnies and Teddy Grahams. What a bunch of lucky kids!

Another big surprise was that this year we were also visited by a German Easter Bunny who left lots of gifts and eggs out in the back yard! How fun for us that Julia could participate in such a miraculous visit from the German Easter Bunny! =) The kids loved EVERYTHING the German Easter Bunny brought... a mini football, soccer ball & basketball, a remote control dog, and other fun little toys that the kids just LOVED! The German Easter Bunny sure is fabulous! We love her lots because she's SO good and loves our kiddos!

Then, we went over to Scallan's house so we could enjoy Easter brunch with grandma Leo & grandpa Kenny, Trish, Todd, Courtney and Tori. It was so much fun! Grandma and grandpa helped all the kids hunt for eggs outside and ring the wind chimes. The boys just loved wandering around the beautiful outdoors with Leo and Kenny. They played with aunt Trish and cousins Courtney & Tori... and tried to show off all their new tricks. Matteo of course showed off his improved walking skills (he's now walking 90% of the time).

Trish and Todd also live up in the mountains... so again.... breathtaking views from their backyard. And the weather couldn't have been more perfect to enjoy the outdoors.

Grandma Leo surprised the kids with darling wrapped Easter baskets filled with jelly beans and chocolates, as well as cute stuffed animals. Gabby just loved the candy filled baskets and dug in right away. The babies however, preferred the stuffed animals... especially the yellow chick... even fighting over it!

Brunch was DELISH! Trish made some yummy steaks and potatoes. And, we all brought yummy food to share and it made for the perfect Easter holiday!

Easter wrap-up, PART III

We went to our good friend's (the Hart's) home on Saturday night for an Easter Egg hunt and dinner.

Kathleen had an Easter basket for every child with real grass growing in them... they were SO CUTE! Eggs were everywhere in their yard and the kids all had a blast. They live up in the mountains... so the view from their backyard is breathtaking (see photos below)!

Kathleen is a great cook... she made a delicious lamb and everyone brought something savory to share. The kids all had a great time and got to eat dinner together at a combined two tables. Then, because they finish dinner in approx 5 minutes... we were able to move all the kids into the TV room to watch Nemo so the adults could eat, drink and converse with minimal interruptions.

Here's a shot of the kids at their dinner tables and then at the start of the movie (note that Rocco is not sitting & watching the movie):

So, while everyone else's kids pretty much sat and watched the movie or played nicely in the TV room... Dan & I were busy chasing down Rocco, and then also Matteo (little copy-cat).

It was a GREAT night though. LOTS of fun!

Easter wrap-up, PART II