Pumpkin Patch Fun

We love the month of October. Not only do we love the cool, crisp air… but we love the leaves changing color, football, and HALLOWEEN!

Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!

A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!

We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.

It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.

It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.

Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.

There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.

Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.

We wish you were here with us, Matatoe. And, we’re always thinking of you 'lil buddy.

Jumping On My Heart

Today sucked. Today was difficult beyond words and I don’t even know why or how it was, but it was.

I’m at work and I get a phone call on my cell from a hospital number. I immediately assume it’s one of the doctor’s I’m needing to talk with about work-related stuff, so I answer it.
Caller: “Hi. Are you the parent of Matteo Martino?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “We need to get some updated insurance information for Matteo.”
Me: “Ummm… for what? Can you tell me why you need this?”
Caller: “Oh, well he is scheduled for his 6 month post-op audiology appointment on such and such date and….”
Me: Breathless. Heart in my throat. I’m at work. Thinking how I can’t spit out “My child died 16 weeks ago” because I will start crying uncontrollably and won’t be able to stop.
Me: “Um. You won't be needing it.”
Caller: Clearly confused. “Ok… so… do you want me to cancel the appointment.”
Me: “Yes. Please cancel it.”

I hang up the phone. Tears start flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I look at Matt’s photo and all I can think is how he should be here. He SHOULD be having this appointment. Rocco will be having his appointment. I think “why didn’t they ask about Rocco’s insurance?” and then remember that I didn’t recently cancel Rocco’s insurance. I canceled Matt’s. Life just keeps going and going and my poor sweet baby is forever stuck and frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days old. He took his last breath on July 4th. And, he’s dead. Gone. Forever. And, I miss him more than I could ever possibly explain. And, it physically hurts… this pain… this loss. And, I would do anything, ANYTHING to sob right here, right now at my desk, if it wouldn’t freak the hell out of my coworkers. So, I sob silently. I take deep breaths. And, I continue wiping my eyes and my nose. And, I keep telling myself to think happy thoughts. But, I can’t. Because I miss Matt so bad it kills me inside. And, I feel alone. I wish I could jump into a hole and just cry.

This phone call… it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground… and then proceeded to jump on it a million times, while I was watching.

I tried my hardest to pull myself together. But, I couldn’t.

And, I broke down tonight. I sobbed in Dan’s arms for what felt like forever. I want my baby back. I miss him SO much. So. Much. It. Hurts.

I want to know what he would look like right now… and what words he’d be saying. Rocco is so much bigger now and has so many words. I want Rocco to ask “Where Matteo go?”… but he doesn’t. And, that kills me. I want him to have memories of his brother. And, I feel like the more time that passes the chances of him remembering his twin get slimmer and slimmer.

And, Matt should be here for Halloween… and Dan’s birthday this week. He should have been here to enjoy the beautiful weather we had over the weekend. He should have been able to go on a walk with Gabby, Rocco and I on Sunday… and see the beautiful sunset. Instead, I had to tell them that Matteo made the sunset so beautiful… for us… because he’s an angel… and angels have super powers. Matteo would have loved seeing all the colors of fall. He would have taken it all in like he did everything in life. He was such an observant little guy.

Sixteen weeks… and not a minute of the day passes without me thinking about my little angel. Not a single minute.

Recent Updates

Things have been busy around here. Maybe that's a good thing. I find it hard to believe we're approaching the end of October.

The kids have been growing a lot... both getting a few inches taller since Matteo died. I'd also guess that Rocco has gained 2lbs since mid-July. I can only imagine Matteo would have been right there with him in the weight gain. They weighed the same, 28lbs, when Matteo died.

Rocco's talking skills have improved immensely and he’s hit that point where we can no longer keep track of the words because there are so many. Matteo's speech was a little more advanced than Rocco's... words seemed to come easier to that little guy. And, since they had their own little language, I think it delayed both of them wanting/needing to learn words as quickly as singleton babies. Anyway, Rocco says new words and short sentences every day now. Some of the funnier things he’ll say include:
* “Where’d Gabby go?” (or daddy or mommy)
* “Airplane! Airplane! Bye, bye airplane!”
* “No! Don’t DO that!” (He’ll say this when Dan is tickling Gabby, if we have to take something away from him or do something he doesn't want us to do.)
* “I want a sip!”
* "Tank you, momma!" (His version of "thank you"; always so good with his manners without any reminders.)

Rocco is great at identifing body parts, and he'll happily point out his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, shoulders, hands, fingers, belly, butt, knees, feet and toes.

Rocco's favorite toys now include balls, cars and trains. He seems to ALWAYS be carrying around one of these things. He is built like such a little athlete... and he's got the ball throwing skills to prove it!

Rocco has also amazed us in recent months with actually sitting and listening nicely when we read him a story. Granted... he doesn't sit long. But, he can usually make it through his favorite book about animals, and can now tell us what these animals say:
* Cow
* Doggy
* Horse
* Frog
* Ducky
* Kitty-cat
* Sheep
* Bumble Bee (Buzzzzzzzz)
* Birdy
* Butterfly (he'll wave his hands in the air and say "fly")
* Ghost (ok... so this isn't an animal... but he loves to say "Boo!")

Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

Gabby is loving pre-K and her new teachers. We've been working a lot with her on her letters... identifing them and knowing the sounds they make. Sometimes, we'll go through flashcards before bed with her and she will consistently only trip on a few letter sounds. She has become much more interested in coloring and drawing and painting. I think this has to do with the fact that Sarah (our au pair) will color with her for at least an hour straight on M, W, F's. Prior to this... Gabby would say "Let's color..." and then she would proceed to art direct and instruct you on the colors to use and what to color. Gabby also continues to enjoy helping me cook and back... she too likes to pour stuff into the bowl and stir.

Gabby is still obsessed with princesses. She has told us on numerous occasion that "Belle is my mommy and the Beast is my daddy". She can often be seen and heard, dancing through the house, singing the "Beauty & the Beast" theme song. She'll get this little sparkle in her eye and acts very princess-like while she's doing this. She's always dressing up in costume dresses... and loves to color in princess coloring books.

Gabby is also quite the fashionista. Only Gabby can choose her outfit for the day. If we try to choose her outfit, it begins a long and difficult battle that I don't choose to fight. She's also gotten into the habit of bringing an extra pair of shoes with her to school... glittery/sparkly/princess shoes. Interestingly enough, the teacher seems to be completely understanding of this fashion statement. Gabby is also still in gymnastics and started soccer in September.

The favorite cartoon these days seems to be old-school "Tom & Jerry". And the favorite game in the house is "get you" (involves Dan chasing the two of them through the house) and "hide & go seek". Rocco is definitely a great little hider! You'll often hear Gabby giggling... but Rocco will stay very quiet and still. Dan will also spend time wrestling Rocco... and Rocco gets VERY jealous if Gabby gets into the mix of it. It quickly brings back memories for both Dan & I about all the jealous moments you have to face and can't avoid with toys and/or attention when it comes to having multiples. So often throughout the day, one little guy would be crying due to the other little guy stealing a toy or getting to the mommies legs/lap first.

I asked Gabby she wanted to be for Halloween, and her answer was "I want to be Belle and Rocco is going to be the Beast". This of course only makes me wonder what costume she would have suggested for Matt.

The kids hug each other often. They get very excited to see each other when they've been apart. And, we couldn't be more proud or love them more. It just breaks our heart though not having Matteo here with us every day. It hurts to know that Gabby & Rocco aren't making memories WITH him anymore... and it is still almost BEYOND incredibly lonely to watch just the two of them playing together. And, even more painful to watch Rocco playing alone. It's still a sight I am just not used to seeing... and I'm not sure when I will get more comfortable with it. We're always missing our little dude. Always.

The weeks seem to fly by. Nights still seem to last way too long. And, I still dread nightfall. The 4th and 5th of every month suck... as I'm sure they always will. Every Saturday night stings with memories and thoughts of "I wish I would have...". Every Sunday morning is a bitter reminder of how many weeks it's been since I last saw my sweet baby... and everything we lost when he left us.

Rocco still points at Matteo's photos and says "buddy". He'll hold my Flip video camera up to me and say "buddy" when he wants to watch a video of him playing with Matt or of Matt alone.

Gabby and I always talk to Matt before we go to sleep at night... we tell him about our day and how much we miss him and wish he was still with us. We ask him to watch over us and keep us safe... such a big task for a little man. Our last words always seem to be "Goodnight Matatoe. We love you."

If I wake up during the night (which is often, since I'm very prego), it takes forever to fall back asleep because I instantly think of Matteo. I think of him immediately and see his face in my mind. I wish a million things in life were different and am haunted by the look on my sweet baby boy's face as Dan passed him to me in our doorway... without telling me he was dead... but me already knowing. And, I play that scene over and over in my head... probably close to 60 times a day.

I still cry when I go on walks by myself. I cry when I type blog posts like this. I cry when I look at the storage box filled with all of Matt's short little life of belongings, and proof that he existed. I cry in Dan's arms. It's my therapy. I spend lots of time looking at photos of him and have put his beautiful face everywhere throughout our home. I like to see his face often... I don't know why... perhaps it helps me feel he's still with us. I am still in a phase where I prefer to not really talk on the phone. I prefer to drive in the car with the radio off... I like it silent. So I can think.

I continue to find myself breaking down, crying at random moments every day. I still think of Matteo every single minute of the day. He is always front of mind. Always.

Super Soccer Kick!

Gabby started soccer back in September. She loves it!

What's even better is that her two best buddies from school are in her same soccer class.

It's been great for her and she looks forward to it every week. She runs right out and participates so well in all the running, kicking and games they play. And, she's got a super soccer kick for an almost 4 year old!

The kids don't have uniforms of any sort. But, they are required to wear shin guards. So, Gabby went with her daddy to pick out a special pair... in pink, of course. I have to admit I liked her color choice.. she looks super cute & sporty when she puts them on!

Here are a few photos from last weekend's soccer practice:


















Clearly... the coaches really exhaust the kids with all the fun:

3 Months. And, no answers.

Today marks three months.

Three months ago, we woke to discover Matteo Tate dead in his crib. He was just short of 18 months old. He was fighting a fever for the approximate 30 hours before his death.

I hoped with all my heart that we would have had an answer by now as to why Matt died. But, we don't. And, that I can assure you is a very, very difficult thing to swallow and understand. As his mother, it is gut-wrenching. It makes me physically ill at times. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me feel completely vulnerable to accidents of any sort, and death.

The really sucky part is that the coroner/Dr. J is about to close the case on Matteo's case. I’ve spoken with her twice in the past two weeks.

She went as far as sending Matt's organ/tissue samples to Stanford for review by a world-renowned pathologist. He agreed with her, in that every one of Matt’s organs (heart, lungs, brain, spleen, liver, kidney, etc.) looked very healthy. Matteo had slightly enlarged tonsils, indicative that he was fighting a virus of some sort. But, other than that, Matteo was a healthy little boy.

Ok... again... I don't understand. WHAT? Then, why on EARTH is our child dead? Someone explain this to me. Please. PLEASE?!

Three months of missing our little buddy. Three. Months. If you have asked me three months ago if I could go on living like this, I would have seriously doubted it. But, I have. We all have. And, we continue living. Every day. It's harder than hell... but we do it. For our two other children. For Baby Surprisette. For Matt. Without Matt. And, it sucks.

There are hundreds of known viruses. But, as we've learned in recent months... hospitals can only test for a handful of those viruses on living tissue and blood samples.

Apparently, the challenge can be far greater when it comes to running the same tests on post-mortem tissue. Some of the viruses/bacteria are nearly impossible to grow.

Of the tests the coroner was able to complete on Matteo, these are the results that have been shared with us:
• Pneumonia - negative
• Meningitis - negative
• Meningococal - negative
• H1N1 (Swine Flu) - negative
• Influenza - negative
• Dehydration – negative
• Myocarditis – no signs
• Anomalous left coronary artery – no signs
• Brain aneurism – no signs
• Febrile Seizure – no signs
• SIDS – completely ruled out, due to the fact Matt was over 1 year of age
• Toxicology report showed one item: Acetaminophen (Tylenol), of normal levels

Per our pediatrician’s suggestion after Rocco’s 5 day fever, we went ahead and had his blood drawn to test for mono/EBV. We’re still awaiting results. The first result was inconclusive, partly due to a lab error.

Then, I need to let the Dr. J know what the results are. If negative, she closes Matteo’s case. If positive, there may be another test the coroner’s lab does. There may not be.

Dr. J could not perform the EBV/mono test on Matteo due to the fact that the bacteria is next to impossible to grow from post-mortem tissue.

I also asked Dr. J again if she could guesstimate Matteo's time of death. It's difficult to do with absolute certainty, due to the fact that he was dead for hours before we discovered him. But, she estimates it was closer to the 10pm-12am hours on July 4th, versus the very early hours of July 5th.

It is beyond difficult to think that my sweet baby boy, died from a random virus that we can’t pinpoint. In today’s world of vaccines and hand washing… my child died from being sick. He had a fever. And, we had no way of knowing that this fever was different from any other he had experienced over his lifetime.

That’s hard to swallow.

It’s still hard to think I will never see him again. Never hold him again. Never smell him and snuggle with him again. Never see him playing with Rocco and Gabby again.

It beyond hurts.

People ask if it’s getting easier with time. People ask if it helps knowing another baby is on the way. And, I sometimes want to scream “NO!” at the top of my lungs and cry at what seems like such an insensitive comment/question. But, I don’t. I don’t because I know they have no way of understanding what we’ve gone through, or how we feel. There is no way they could truly know our loss. No possible way.

You can try to imagine what it’s like. Maybe you have a child around 18 months… or older, or younger. And, maybe you try to “imagine” not seeing them, holding them or hearing their precious little voice for 3 months. But in reality… you still get to do that every day. We don’t. We won’t again. Ever. Not with Matteo. He’s gone. Nobody and nothing can or will ever replace him. He’s our loss. Our big, huge, gigantic loss. We will never see his full potential… the great man he was supposed to grow up to be. We will never be witness to more of the crazy and fun twin antics between Matt and Rocco. We'll always look at Rocco and think and wonder what Matteo would have done, been, looked like.

You will never know quite how we feel unless you’ve experienced a loss like this.