A Devil, Pirate, Lion and Monkey

This might sound funny... but I love being able to celebrate Halloween in California again!

A lot of people go all out in decorating their homes w/gigantic spiders, cob webs everywhere, scarecrows, witches, skeletons, etc. It's always so fun to go driving through your neighborhood and see all the "spooky houses" (how my children refer to them).

Since we moved into our new house on Oct 3rd, I was consumed for the first two weeks with unpacking boxes and trying to get organized. So, once again... I ordered costumes in the 11th hour. The reason I say once again is because in 2010, we had moved into the WA house on October 13th... so costumes were finally ordered the week before Halloween on rush delivery (it was SUCH a crazy time!).

Gabby decided to be a devil... so I ordered a cute devil costume. She told me on Halloween day that she wanted to be a scary devil and even seemed a tiny bit upset about her costume. When asking her about why she wanted a scary costume I could tell their was a bit of peer pressure in having the desire to be *spooky*. [Newsflash parents: apparently, second grade is when getting spooked and dressing up scary is all the rage.] The *cute* costume included a devil ear headband, a devil tale, and a devil pitchfork wand.

Rocco decided to be a pirate. This decision was made 20 seconds after his new best pal David proclaimed that HE wanted to be a pirate for Halloween. David is VERY into the pirate thing. And, I adore Rocco's new best pal! I think prior to David saying he wanted to be a pirate... Rocco had talked about being various things including a karate guy, a ninja warrior, a transformer, etc. Nothing ever stuck. The pirate stuck though! We found him a great costume, complete with an eye patch, earring, mustache (which he never wore), and most importantly... the pirate SWORD! Arrrrrrrrr...

In the interest of trying to reuse some of the many costumes we're gathering... I asked Giuliana if she would like to be a purple butterfly, a lion, B.atgirl, princess B.elle... or if there was something else she wanted to be. She immediately grabbed onto the lion theme and ran with it. I had asked a few months prior what she was going to be for Halloween, without any prompting, and she told me a butterfly. She really likes butterflies and she LOVES the color purple. So... I was somewhat surprised that she didn't want to make use of the purple butterfly costume Gabby had used 4 years ago. But, I seriously LOVE that she chose to be the lion! It was a super cute costume given to us by some fabulous LG neighbors/friends. And, Giuliana looked SO ADORABLE in it because her curly hair stuck out like an extension of the lion's mane. SO SUPER CUTE! And, she would roar w/her big eyes, and a goofy laugh. Beyond adorable!

Marco was C.urious G.eorge. It was that or the bat costume, which I think he would have been a little big for. He looked super cute in the monkey costume and it allowed Dan one final opportunity to wear his M.an in the Y.ellow Hat costume. The two of them looked darling together and it was Dan's last costume hurrah! Over the past 6 years, he had partnered with each one of the kids (except Matteo) to be C.urious G.eorge and The M.an in the Ye.llow Hat. Marco freaked when Dan first came out in costume... we actually had to bribe him with a K.itK.at to pose with Dan for photos. Then, he was fine. (candy = worlds best child bribery tool, always)

Milestone: 17 month and 26 days old

While on my run tonight, it hit me that Marco is 17 months, 26 days old today.

To most people, that wouldn't be something worth noting. But, it is to me... because that is one day longer that Matteo lived. His lifespan was a much too short 17 months and 25 days, before tragically dying while sleeping in his crib.

I cross this age with Marco, thankful that he is still alive and hasn't died in his sleep. That may sound incredibly insane and crazy. But, I can't possibly describe how real of a fear this was/is for me every night. For the longest time after Matteo died, I thought Gabby and Rocco were going to stop breathing in their sleep too and I could not sleep at night. Then, the trauma was sort of heightened when Giuliana arrived. I never slept well. Sometimes, I would check on her a dozen times during the night. Same thing with Marco. Now, I feel a little more in the *safe* zone... but also know that is still a concern as children have been known to die in their sleep (for no apparent reason) up to age 3. My confidence as a parent is also slowly and surely building back up. Because let me tell you... your child dies, and their is no greater guilt you could ever feel in your lifetime. Everyone I know has tried to reassure me there is nothing we could have done to change things. God, himself, could tell me that I did nothing wrong and couldn't have prevented in any possible way... but it doesn't change the way I feel. I was his mommy... he should not have died.

I think about him constantly. The kids think/talk about him every day. And, we all have our sad moments and big cries.

It seems that after a child dies, there are many milestones. One might think the milestones are the obvious... like the anniversary of their death, or their birthday. And, while those are significant milestones... some of the not so obvious dates or life events can be the ones to sting and hurt the most.

Not being able to send him off to kindergarten with Rocco this year was immensely painful...even after 4 years have passed. At times, I still wonder (and maybe wish) what trouble the twins would be getting into together these days. I miss that kid so much, every single minute.

I always wonder how different life would be if he were still here with us. I know it would be incredibly different... and I guess that was just a journey our lives were not meant to take.

Life is truly so short. Spend it with the people you love and care about. Don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges or let anger waste away at you. Support your friends and family through the good and bad, and celebrate the people you love...their accomplishments great and small.

I remind myself  constantly that I won't live forever. Ever since Matteo died, I can never really plan anything *forever*, or for example, think that we'll be settled in one home for the rest of our lives. You see... we experienced what I think is the worst kind of life tragedy... and I know all too well that nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just can't expect to be here on this planet for any length of time. You can hope... but there are no guarantees. 

So, we all need to try to make every day count! :)