Giuliana's 6 Month Update!

Little Giuliana turned six months old mid-July! Sadly, I seem to just be catching up with myself but I wanted to still include a little Giuls update because she has changed SO much since her 5 month update.








Giuliana's 6 month stats:
Weight: 12lbs 14oz ( 3rd %ile)
Height: 27 inches ( 90th %ile)
Head: 17cm (75th %ile)

Her growth stats are very similar to what Gabby's were at this age... although Giuilana is taller. I believe Gabby was 65th %ile for height at 6 months. I would really love to start fattening Giuls up with baby food... but she still has no interest in actually eating any solids. She will open her mouth up for me to put the spoon in... and then she spits all the food out. So, Giuliana is still on a breast milk only diet.

Some of Giuliana's new things include:
* Sitting on her own! She started doing this in early July and keeps getting more & more balance.
* Rolling and spinning on her back and tummy which allows her to sort of chase toys of interest. I'll set a toy off to her side and she'll somehow find a way to roll and spin to get it.
* Standing. She LOVES to practice her standing while we hold her hands. She smiles real big as if to tell us "Look! I can do it too!!" Her legs have gotten so strong.
* Interest in sippy cups. She watches Rocco & Gabby drink from them... and has several times reached out for their cups, grabbed them and brought them to her mouth.
* Screams, grunts, and groans to "tell us" that she's happy or sad, that she wants something, or wants to change positions.
* She's started saying "na na na" and "ahhhhh"
* Grabbing and reaching for everything that mommy's holding and everything she shouldn't be touching. And everything goes directly to the mouth, of course.
* She's great at grabbing small/skinny items and she can pass them from one hand to the other.
* LOVES being entertained by Gabby and Rocco. They'll actually fight over who gets to bring her toys or who can dance to make her laugh first. So funny!
* Bashful/shy side. I'll be holding her and Dan or Sarah or a complete stranger will come over to us and start smiling at her and talking to her. She'll give a big smile and then hide her face in my shoulder. It's so cute!
* Sleeping on her side seems to now be her preferred sleep position. I'll always lay her down on her back but find that she's rolled onto her side. I've also busted her on her tummy a number of times which of course freaks me out for all the obvious reasons. So, I seem to be in this mode where I'll put her on her back (even if it wakes her up) as many times as needed even if I'm up in the middle of the night for hours with an upset baby who wants to be a tummy sleeper. During the day, I can logically tell myself she'll be fine. But, at night, all I can think of is "what if Matteo really died of SIDS?" and then I can't allow myself to sleep until I know she's on her back.












Giuliana still has no teeth... but seems to have teething pains all the time. (Dear teeth: PLEASE COME SOON!!).

I gave her the official "first haircut" because she had a patch of hair on top of her head and behind her two ears with hair that was approx 3 inches long. So, it was looking kind of silly. Now it's all sort of the same length.

Giuliana has started to like her daddy. She thinks he's funny and will giggle and laugh at him. And, Dan has started to interact with her more as well. It's funny how men in general really don't begin "bonding" with a baby until the baby hits about 6mnths and has personality.

Still no interest in solid baby foods. I'll try to feed her solids twice a day for 2-3 days in a row, and then take a break. She's just not having it. Of all my kids, Gabby took to solids the best and was eating them happily every day by 5 months.

I'm really behind in blog posts. Life has been incredibly busy over the past few months and I haven't posted a Gabby update in ages. She has grown and changed SO much as a little person in the past year. Matteo's death has had a huge impact on her life and daily activities and she talks about him a lot, every day. I'm hoping to add another Rocco update again soon too!

Donner Lake & Lake Tahoe... an extended vacation!

We're currently on an extended vacation and enjoying the beauty and peacefulness that goes along with living in the mountains. It's great and we feel incredibly lucky to be able to spend the month of July exploring and playing in the Sierra. Our au pair, Sarah, is also enjoying the area and lots of time at the beach.

Dan still has to work, of course, but he's able to work remotely as long as he's within close proximity to his west coast territory. And, he did just return from a trip to Kona, Hawaii with some of his best pals to celebrate a friend's wedding... so no need to feel sorry for him! ;)












The house we're renting is owned by a friend of mine. It's fits our needs perfectly and has gorgeous views of the still snow-capped mountains. Gabby and Rocco share a bedroom and they think it's the coolest thing in the world. Gabby actually asked if they can share a room when we move into our new home. So cute! Also, the kids LOVE the fact that they can open the refrigerator. They couldn't open our refrigerator doors at home... just the freezer doors. So, this is all very exciting to them!

While Gabby understood that this was our "vacation home" from the moment we arrived, it took Rocco a little longer to adjust. When we tried to put him in bed the first night, he said "This is NOT my bed!" And, when we would arrive back at the house after being at the beach or whatever, we'd say "we're home!" and Rocco would say "This is NOT my home!"

Now though... Rocco seems to understand our temporary vacation situation better, because he'll often say "This is our home? Our vacation home? I like it!"

Every day the kids go to a beach, park or we do something new and interesting.

One day, we took the kids to the Tahoe National Forest so they could go horseback riding. Rocco's horse was "Patty" and she was 19 years old and pregnant. She liked to stop and eat a lot. Gabby's horse was "Shroder" and he was 20 year old and had braids in his mane. Dan led Rocco's horse and I led Gabby's horse on the trails. Giuliana was attached to me and I think she enjoyed all the new sites. Rocco seemed a little timid at the start of the ride, but he did really well and enjoyed it. Gabby LOVES horses so she was in heaven! She's been on several pony rides before, but this was the first time she rode solo with no trainer leading the horse (just mommy!). So, Gabby was very proud of herself and talked to the horse the entire ride.

The kids also enjoyed taking a gondola ride at NorthStar Resort. We also explored the village there, played in the sandbox and watched the mountain bikers, etc.

We spent a day playing at Lake Tahoe's Burnt Cedar Beach thanks to an invitation from my friend Julie. Gabby really enjoys playing with her daughters and the kids were excited to have a play date. The beach was AMAZING with breathtaking views of the landscape and mountains surrouding Lake Tahoe. And, there was a great kids pool which meant warm water to swim and play in (because the lakes are ice cold this year!).

We watched the the Truckee annual 4th of July parade. Truckee's such a cute mountain town and the kids enjoyed the old-fashioned parade where candy is thrown by almost every home-made float.

We've made countless trips to the beaches on Donner Lake. And, this weekend we'll be renting a boat on Lake Tahoe.

Dan and I have been enjoying the scenic runs... and our lungs and legs have finally adapted to the 6,500 foot altitude and all the steep hills.

This has been a good transition place for us... almost a way to gently say goodbye to beautiful and sunny California, before we're off on our next adventure.

He came with us...

We officially moved out of our Los Gatos home on Sunday, June 27th.

We received a lot of last minute invites from friends and neighbors for final dinners/lunches/play dates, etc, but we ended up having to turn a lot of people down because we simply ran out of time.

Our moving week and weekend was beyond exhausting. It didn't help that I came down with a nasty cold or that we had a minor heat wave. It must have hit 95 or 100 on our actual moving out day. Dan and I were physically exhausted and tired in every possible way.

The day before we moved, Dan and I split shifts in attending an end-of-school year/moving party hosted by our good friends Christina & Marco (aka, the parents of Gabby's best friends, Sofia & Giovanni). We were entrenched in packing and all the last minute tasks that go along with a big move, but there was no way we could miss this party! Gabby had tons of fun and was able to say good bye to all her school best friends. She talks about her *besties* constantly, but we'll stay connected via snail mail (she's already sent a few pictures/letters!) and Skype. We've had two Skype calls to reconnect with her friends and it's hilarious... LOTS of giggling and very little chit-chat!

After an incredibly exhausting day of last-minute packing, taking care of kids, working with movers, loading a trailer with all of our temporary/necessary items to bring with us, and cleaning... we drove away from what was once our home at 10pm and walked in the door at our vacation home in the Lake Tahoe area at 4am. Yes - A.M.!

Dan and I both expected it to be emotional, but it wasn't really. Probably because we were both BEYOND exhausted and still had a long night of driving ahead of us. Tears fell as I looked into Rocco and Matteo's bedroom one last time, and as I walked past all the places in our home with the haunting memories. My eyes also stung a bit as we said goodbye to our favorite neighbors and family that lived nearby.

When we arrived at the vacation home at 4am, we brought the kids into the house so we could put them in bed. Rocco's first words were "That's not MY bed!" So, thank GOD I packed his Thomas the Train choo choo comforter because Dan had to go dig it out of the trailer so Rocco would sleep.

Monday and Tuesday were a fog because we were still recovering from the move, being up all night driving, and trying to get settled in the rental home. I was also battling a brutal headache for those two days. However... we DID manage to hit the beach and parks!

Wednesday, July 1st was our first day to really absorb all the decisions we made and the changes that had taken place in the past 3 months. Our huge TO DO (moving out of the house) was now checked off the list. Dan was back to work with the move stress off his back. And, I finally had time to breathe and just play with the kids.

So, I went on a long, hard run. I hadn't run in 2.5 weeks because every waking moment leading up to the move was spent packing, taking care of kids or doing move-related things. The run was just what I needed. Beautiful views of the lake, snow-capped mountains, miles and miles of tall trees, and ME time. I cried while I ran. I cried hard as I thought about Matteo and how much I miss him. I wondered if Matteo would have liked it here.I could almost see him standing in front of me just taking it all in (views, birds, trees, etc.), as he always did. I thought long and hard about if he might still be with us, as I often do. And, I couldn't help but reflect on how our lives have changed so much since this time last year.

July 1st ended up being a very difficult day for me.

After Matt died, we've had random occurrences of our fire alarms going off throughout the house while we were all sleeping. It started six weeks after Matteo died. And, oddly enough, it happened during daylight hours on the exact day we began to pack up our house for the move. No fires. No smoke. Nobody was even cooking. Just random, crazy and strange. The fire alarms had never gone off randomly before he died. Not once.

Anyway, I think Matteo came with us...

At 3:30am on July 2nd, the fire alarms throughout our rental home started screaming at us. Call me crazy, but I instantly thought it was Matteo. It was as if he knew I had a really bad day and needed a sign from him.

In the past, whenever I've said to Dan that I thought it was Matteo trying to somehow communicate with us, Dan's always been skeptical in believing that the fire alarms were a possible connection to Matt. But, after we settled the kids back down and got back into bed... Dan and I couldn't help but talk about how crazy this was. I think his actual comment was "It's crazy how this only happens in the middle of the night. Call your friend in the morning and ask her if this has happened to her before when she's stayed here."

So, I called my friend who we're renting the house from and asked her if she's had incidents of the fire alarms going off throughout the house in the middle of the night in this house. She said no... it's never happened.

I honestly believe Matteo has come with us and that this was his way of telling us.

Numb... one year without Matteo

Numb. I think that's a good way to describe how I feel at this moment, today.

One year ago was the last day we spent with our sweet little Matt. I had no idea that when I put him down for bed, that I would never see him alive again. He was just days shy of 18 months. And, now, he's already been gone for two-thirds of his lifetime.

The past year has been the most difficult year of my life. But, somehow the one year anniversary doesn't seem any more painful than the past 364 days of our lives. Every day I hurt. Every day I cry. Every day my heart breaks all over again. And, every day I miss someone more than I ever thought was possible.

Every single day is hard. For different reasons. And perhaps it is punctuated by seeing his twin, Rocco live and play every day, knowing Matteo should be right here with him and with us.

Rocco and Matteo were both 28lbs and 33 inches tall at this time last year. Two weeks ago, Rocco weighed in at 33.5lbs and was 37.5 inches. I almost cried as the nurse read off his growth stats... wondering what Matteo's would have been. I had to look at the height measurement against the wall just so I could touch the 33 inch mark and visually see where Matteo's head topped off when he died. And, knowing his curls put him at about 34 inches. It hurts a lot to think about the fact that I will never have another growth stat for Matteo. I'll never know anything more about my 'lil dude.

Personally, I can't think of living through anything more difficult than the memories from the morning Matteo died. Every memory from our last day with him on the 4th of July, and every memory from that nightmare day that followed is so vivid. His face. The coldness of his body. The instant feeling of just knowing he was gone... forever. Never to see his smiling face again or his wiggle... or to hear him say "mamama".

The morning of July 5th was utter chaos. The first, very worst day of my life. I have never been in more shock or felt so much pain. I have never before felt defeat like I did that morning or have every day since. I felt kicked and punched and beatup. Like someone reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I remember the nightmare started at exactly 5:09am. I remember holding Matteo and screaming that he was gone and dead and to call 911. I remember Dan telling me to give Matteo to him so he could do CPR as he had 911 on the line... and me not giving Matteo to him because I knew... we both knew... Matteo had been dead for hours. He was gone. And, we both knew it. But Dan still tried. I remember having false hope that it would work and Matteo would come back to life. I remember calling my parents right after I handed Matteo to Dan... and screaming to my mom "Matteo's dead!" in shock... and my mom saying "WHAT?!" and not believing what she was hearing. I remember Gabby watching and listening to all of this and not fully understanding what was happening. I remember Rocco stuck in his crib crying while we were all frantic. I remember hyperventilating when the paramedics arrived and were working on him. I remember the police taking my kids to our neighbors across the street, while I sat there holding my dead baby. I remember Dan being in complete shock... not really believing what was happening.

I remember feeling complete failure and defeat... and that life had just kicked my ass.

Planning a funeral, seeing your child in a casket, witnessing your child being cremated and seeing them put his body into that unforgiving machine, smelling the clothes that he was dressed in for his funeral... I know what death "smells" like. And, it's awful. Having to go through all of your child's things... used clothes, shoes, blankets, unused clothes... and put them into a box. A stupid box... I remember sobbing and crying my heart out at having to do all of these things. I remember holding all of Matteo's *things* as if they were priceless treasures, and inspecting them endlessly, so as not to forget certain memories. I remember spending hours and hours looking at his eyes in different photos as if to get some sort of clue as to why he died.

I remember being so angry... feeling like Matteo was cheated out of life. Why Matteo? I was and still am so incredibly hurt.

I remember feeling completely lost that day... like I wanted to die just so I could be with him and know where he was, that he was ok, that he was safe and not scared.

I don't remember who took care of my family the week Matteo died.... maybe for two weeks. I know my family and friends did most of it as I was completely lost in grief. It consumed me. Grief and planning a funeral became my life that week. And, I honestly don't even remember the second week... just the day we went to witness his cremation. And, I have horrible, vivid memories about that day.

I remember being consumed with trying to figure out what I did wrong. How did I fail as a mom? How could I have let my sweet baby boy die... in his sleep... all by himself. How the hell could I have just let that happen, without even knowing. My poor little dude... was he scared? Did it hurt him? Did he know he was about to leave us?

I remember having no desire to do anything. I just wanted to sit there.... read letters and emails from people, and just look at Matteo's photos and watch his videos.

I remember looking into human cloning and having serious hopes for a few minutes... and then being disappointed.

I remember countless phone discussions with the coroner and other medical experts... trying to find an answer as to why Matteo died. Only to be told 4+ months later that his cause of death was "unknown". I remember being angry and frustrated. What if it would happen again... to one of my other kids?

I remember *softening* every single blog post about Matteo and "how we were doing"... because I didn't want people to really know how angry and sad and hurt I was. And, I also felt that people wouldn't really want to know how I truly felt... because I was, and sometimes still can be, in a very awful place.

I remember how Matteo's death impacted every single relationship I had. It impacted relationships with family members, friends and neighbors. Some were strengthened immeasureably... and some were just different and uncomfortable.

I learned so much about friendships and the people I call my friends. I have the world's most amazing, thoughtful friends. Some people I have never even met in-person have become such amazing friends to me.

I remember trying to be strong at Matteo's funeral... for other people. I remember feeling like our family was so incomplete that entire week because Matteo wasn't physically with us... but when I saw his body in the casket at the church, I was almost thankful just to see his body again... even though it didn't look like him, to me, anymore... because I sort of felt like we were all together again. Or, maybe it was my way of pretending. Or hoping. That maybe things were back to normal. I don't know.

Dan and I are both still in awe and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and support we've received over the past year. We continue to be so appreciative of every single card, letter, email, text message, and phone call/message. I often find myself gravitating towards those notes and messages when I have a tough day. We are still so thankful for the outpouring of support from people who took the time to make us dinners, bring food, order takeout meals for us, etc. Had it not been for those meals... we probably wouldn't have eaten for weeks. We continue to be overwhelmed with the the love and generousity shown by those who send us flowers, books, balloons, plants, and other gifts. And, we remember every single person who dropped everything in their life to be here to support us on the days surrounding Matteo's funeral.

The past 364 days have been the most difficult of my life. So... on this day and every day, we're remembering Matteo. We continue to love him with all our heart and we miss him beyond words.

I have chosen to share his life in photos with you here: http://vimeo.com/12997105

PS: I'm so thankful to my dear friends/coworkers who took time out of their lives to put this video together for us last year for Matteo's funeral. This video includes a lot of the still photos from Matteo's life. They created another with both still photos and videos. And, another video from the Memorial Service/Funeral.