It still hits me like a ton of bricks every day. So many memories and the very fact that Matteo is dead still knocks the wind right out of me. I often find myself trying to catch my breath.
It doesn't get easier. Or it hasn't for me yet, anyway.
There is always a very unsettled feeling that is a big part of every day. Something (well, someone) is missing... and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Nothing.
I feel like I'm in a constant mode of trying to find a sense of security or understanding as to what happened to our sweet baby boy the night of July 4, 2009. But, the more time that passes... I feel I never will. Rather, life will continue on for everyone else normally, and this will just be a constant part of my/our lives.
I laid our sweet Giuliana down for bed tonight in the same crib and on the same mattress that I laid Tato down on exactly two years ago. She is the exact same age, older only by a few short hours, that he was the night he died. So many thoughts and emotions raced through my head. July 5, 2009 was a nightmare I am still wishing I would wake up from.
The feelings and memories from that morning are still so incredibly strong - it seems like yesterday. Yet, I feel like the first two months after Matt died are a complete fog.
We spent our afternoon and evening with dear friends today, watching the Seattle and Kirkland fireworks from the roof. They also moved here last year from the Bay Area. I think it was probably a good distraction for all of us. The view was beautiful... a perfect little moon sat perfectly in a clear blue sky with the Olympic Mountain range back-lit by a beautiful pink and orange sunset. Gabby asked if Matteo was sitting on the moon. I said yes. Then she told me he was the small little star in the sky above us. I agreed and told her it was a beautiful star.
We sure do miss you sweet Matteo. And, we love you more than words could ever explain. Your loss will always leave a gaping hole in our hearts, family and lives.
Nigh-night, sweet Tato-buns. I love you.
The 3 photos with this blog post include:
1. Last photo of me & Matteo on July 3, 2009
2. Last photo of Matt & daddy on July 4, 2009
3. Last photo of Tato, Rocco & Gabby together (after they spilled cereal all over the floor and they tried cleaning it up together) on July 4, 2009
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2 comments:
I've been reading your blog since July 2009. I have a little boy the same age as Matteo and Rocco (and, actually a four year old and an 18 month old). Even though I don't know you and we'll never meet I want you to know that Matteo has touched me as well. His death changed my perspective on so many things and he made me love my son (and all of my children) even more. Through his passing I've learned how precious life is...
Jodi,
I have continued to hold your family in my prayers these last two years. How wonderful to see the benefit come together and honor Matteo's memory in that way. I pray it's a great success.
Peace,
Julie (I'm one of those 'you don't know me but I care about and pray for your family...' posters)
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