We have been busy around here. Not only busy with a newborn... but busy trying to get healthy. Again. Yup... we're just recovering from round two of the "sickies" since starting 2010.
Right now, Rocco is recovering from bronchitis & bronchiolitis. Giuliana was diagnosed this week with bronchitis and bronchiolitis. Yes, you can guess who she got it from. Thankfully, Gabby's immune system seems to have crossed that hump and we rarely visit the doctor because of her being sick anymore.
Even though Rocco has been sick, it is much milder than past bouts of bronchitis and it shows in his general mood. Visiting the allergist in December was truly a blessing for that little guy. The daily doses of Nasonex and using the inhaler at the onset of a runny nose, have made SUCH a difference in his health.
In the past two weeks, we've visited the pediatrician 5 times. Sounds bad? Nahhh.... that's nothing. Last year, I think we set a record with 17 peditrician visits in 11 days. Seriously - I'm not kidding. Last winter was so exhausting. It was more exhausting than the sleep deprivation that accompanies a newborn. Seriously. Having more than one child, age 3 or under, sick at the same time is EXHAUSTING. Picture two adults with full-time jobs trying to juggle doctor visits with work schedules and then having every moment of *free time* devoted to trying to soothe or comfort sick kids, running errands, making meals, laundry, picking up prescriptions, getting kids to take medicine, cleaning up puke after child either pukes from said medicine, or pukes because they have so much mucus in their throats that everything comes up when crying, etc.
I vividly recall numerous days last winter where I'd be driving into the office, and trying to keep myself from falling asleep behind the wheel because I hadn't slept a wink the night before. Then, I'd get home and immediately be thrown into child crazyness... crying twins, hungry kiddos, dinner needing to be made, getting my work clothes puked on, etc. The memories are so clear. And, I'd do it all again a million times over if I could have Matteo back.
Not a moment passes without thoughts, visions and memories of Matteo. Today marks the 8 month anniversary of his death. Every month, I find myself looking back at photos and videos, and reading my blog posts from this same time last year. I think about how cheated Matteo was on life. Every month when I look back, I wonder and wish how I would have had clues or hunches that something was going to happen in a few months. I wonder about how I maybe could have prevented his death. It all still makes me physically sick to my stomach.
Even though life was beyond crazy and chaotic... I loved it. I loved every minute of our house filled with crazyness, noise, and not having a moment to breathe. It was our life. We loved it. We were fine with it. There was always so much love... to give AND get.
Life still feels so different and empty... in so many ways. Yes, we have Gabby, Rocco and a new little one who has brought so much joy, wonder and love to our lives. But, Giuliana's arrival and the loss of Matteo are not *things* that can be balanced out. Losing one child and adding another doesn't help. One doesn't replace the other. She's her own, wonderful being... just as Gabby and Rocco are, and just as Matteo was and always will be in our memories.
We're constantly missing this HUGE part of our life... part of who we are. Our hearts are still broken beyond repair. Missing Matteo is indescribeable. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. Nothing can heal the loss of a child. Nothing. I can smile, I can laugh, I can go on living my life... but that pain is ALWAYS there.
Matteo - one year ago:
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Right now, Rocco is recovering from bronchitis & bronchiolitis. Giuliana was diagnosed this week with bronchitis and bronchiolitis. Yes, you can guess who she got it from. Thankfully, Gabby's immune system seems to have crossed that hump and we rarely visit the doctor because of her being sick anymore.
Even though Rocco has been sick, it is much milder than past bouts of bronchitis and it shows in his general mood. Visiting the allergist in December was truly a blessing for that little guy. The daily doses of Nasonex and using the inhaler at the onset of a runny nose, have made SUCH a difference in his health.
In the past two weeks, we've visited the pediatrician 5 times. Sounds bad? Nahhh.... that's nothing. Last year, I think we set a record with 17 peditrician visits in 11 days. Seriously - I'm not kidding. Last winter was so exhausting. It was more exhausting than the sleep deprivation that accompanies a newborn. Seriously. Having more than one child, age 3 or under, sick at the same time is EXHAUSTING. Picture two adults with full-time jobs trying to juggle doctor visits with work schedules and then having every moment of *free time* devoted to trying to soothe or comfort sick kids, running errands, making meals, laundry, picking up prescriptions, getting kids to take medicine, cleaning up puke after child either pukes from said medicine, or pukes because they have so much mucus in their throats that everything comes up when crying, etc.
I vividly recall numerous days last winter where I'd be driving into the office, and trying to keep myself from falling asleep behind the wheel because I hadn't slept a wink the night before. Then, I'd get home and immediately be thrown into child crazyness... crying twins, hungry kiddos, dinner needing to be made, getting my work clothes puked on, etc. The memories are so clear. And, I'd do it all again a million times over if I could have Matteo back.
Not a moment passes without thoughts, visions and memories of Matteo. Today marks the 8 month anniversary of his death. Every month, I find myself looking back at photos and videos, and reading my blog posts from this same time last year. I think about how cheated Matteo was on life. Every month when I look back, I wonder and wish how I would have had clues or hunches that something was going to happen in a few months. I wonder about how I maybe could have prevented his death. It all still makes me physically sick to my stomach.
Even though life was beyond crazy and chaotic... I loved it. I loved every minute of our house filled with crazyness, noise, and not having a moment to breathe. It was our life. We loved it. We were fine with it. There was always so much love... to give AND get.
Life still feels so different and empty... in so many ways. Yes, we have Gabby, Rocco and a new little one who has brought so much joy, wonder and love to our lives. But, Giuliana's arrival and the loss of Matteo are not *things* that can be balanced out. Losing one child and adding another doesn't help. One doesn't replace the other. She's her own, wonderful being... just as Gabby and Rocco are, and just as Matteo was and always will be in our memories.
We're constantly missing this HUGE part of our life... part of who we are. Our hearts are still broken beyond repair. Missing Matteo is indescribeable. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. Nothing can heal the loss of a child. Nothing. I can smile, I can laugh, I can go on living my life... but that pain is ALWAYS there.
Matteo - one year ago:
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Cute photos of the kids, exactly one year ago this month:
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Here are some very recent photos of the kiddos:
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2 comments:
Such sweet photos... thanks for sharing! I remember how hard it was when mine were sick all the time during those early years. I am glad the allergy meds are working...it's a MUST in my house.
I want you to know I still think and pray for you often!
I know how you feel. The struggle to go forward each day. The what if's. It all goes round and round in your head. (((hugs)))
Glad the allergy medicine is making a difference. And thanks so much for sharing the photos of all the kids. All four of them.
Thinking of you always.
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