A side note to the previous blog post...

This is simply a side note to my previous blog post.

Every day we talk with Gabby and Rocco about how Matteo is still with us. We talk about how he can hear us talking, how he sits on our shoulders and watches over us and how he is in our hearts. When a humming bird, butterfly or dragonfly come within view... Gabby will say "Look - there's Matteo!" When we see rainbows - it's because of Matteo.

Matteo is also a special star in the sky and he'll smile at us through the moon.

Matteo is in so many wonderful, beautiful things we see every day. He has angel super-powers now. And, Gabby knows Matteo is constantly giving us signs that he is still here with us

We have had many discussions with Gabby about how some day we'll see Matteo again. We talk about how Matteo is up in Heaven with God and Grandpa Jimmy amongst other relatives and friends that I won't list here.

I'm fearful at this point to tell Gabby that God took Matteo from us for whatever reason. Her next question would be "But WHY did God take Matteo from us?" and "But what if God wants to take ME?" At this point, I could see her thinking of God as something to be fearful of. And, I'd prefer she likes God at this point, because she thinks/knows Matteo is in Heaven with God.

I can't possibly tell you how many conversations we have every day, week or month about Matteo and why he died, where he is and what he is doing now and if he can still see and hear us.

We talk to him every night. We pray to him. We tell him secrets and all about our day and the fun things we did. And, we ask him every night to watch over us and keep us safe and healthy.

Matteo left behind a twin brother, a big sister, his daddy, his mommy and his unborn sister. We loved him more than words could ever explain. We tell Gabby that Matteo met Giuliana in Heaven and that her birthmark is a kiss from him. But she is constantly reminding us "Yeah... but he didn't get to meet her in real life. He can't see her like we see her." To which we respond "Yes, but he can see her all the time, even while we are sleeping."

The previous blog post is a shortened summary of a conversation I felt compelled to share. It so innocently exposes how a 4 year old processes death, how they connect the dots to their own life, and how no matter what your answer is, their question will still be "Why?"

Four year olds are much smarter than we give them credit for.

While I often find myself trying to explain Matteo's death to Gabby, I am constantly asking the same exact question... "Why?" and "Why Matteo?"

No matter how old you are, the death of a child is so very difficult to understand. Even more difficult when the cause of death can not be determined.

Grief is no longer just a word, a conversation, or a study topic. It is very much a part of our life now. It's a daily battle. A constant journey. Grief over the loss of your child is incredibly heavy. Some days are bad. Some days are good. And some days are terrible beyond words.