New Home! You can run... but you can't hide.

So... we FINALLY moved into our new home approximately one month ago!!
















Since we moved in, I feel as if almost every waking moment of the day I've been unpacking boxes and organizing "stuff". When not unpacking, I'm still nursing an almost 10 month old, making dinner every night (we've only eaten out once since we moved in), finding a new pediatrician and school for Gabby, twice weekly gymnastics classes, at least 50 visits to Target, hitting the grocery store at least 4 times a week and squeezing in 3-5 mile runs for my sanity.

If I've learned anything in this big move... it's that we have way too much STUFF!! Oh... and that it is a much bigger pain in the butt to finalize a loan than it was 8 years ago.

Only a few things were broken in the move... a glass pitcher, a frame, and of course the new TV that we gifted ourselves with for Christmas last year. Yup... that sort of sucked.

The kids were SO ECSTATIC to finally see and move into their new home. They spent that entire day running through the house screaming with excitement, playing hide and go seek, exploring their new yard, the forest and playhouse behind the house (with real electric lights and everything!), and cheering every time we opened a box with some of their long lost toys or belongings. The kids have truly been enjoying the freedoms that come with living in a house that has a big yard to run and play. They ride their bikes and scooters freely and sometimes for miles every day! They have met 9 new kids in our neighborhood. Two of the girls have become Gabby's newest best friends, and they also play so great with Rocco. And, there is a little boy across the street who plays nicely with all of them as well. And, he has identical twin sisters who are just a few months older than Rocco.

For Dan and I, moving into the new house came with a big sigh of relief. We had been floating for a few months and it was so nice to know that we were on our own turf again and able to once again create some routine and structure in our lives again. We are in love with the house and having a big yard (4.5 acres... ~ 2.5 acres being forest) for the kids to run and play. We have met a lot of the neighbors and they're all so nice and have been very kind and given us warm welcomes. We also were so happy to be reunited with some of our things... like our own bed. It's SO comfy... love it. The best part of being reunited with our stuff though was the feeling that comes along with being oddly close to Matteo again. I love having all of our personal photos decorate the walls of our home... and we have a LOT of beautiful photos of Matteo. And, I love having his urn within our care again, and his precious chest gifted to us by his God parents that neatly stores all of his sweet and short little life's favorite and most memorable possessions. It sits in our new family room, and nicely displays some of our favorite photos of Matteo. Gabby and Rocco gravitate to this often and love to talk about Matteo and look through the priceless items in his chest.

It would have been completely naive of me to have thought for even a moment that moving from our house in CA would take away the pain and loss that one feels constantly throughout the day when you lose a child. But, I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't somewhat hope that it would relieve us of a tiny bit of that pain and constant feeling of loss and emptiness.

While I'm not having to constantly walk past the specific places in our CA house where I held Matteo dead for the first time... or went screaming down the hall, or watched Dan try to do CPR on him, or watched the medics work on him, and where I held him, sobbing and in complete shock, as he lay dead in my arms. I still find myself replaying all of those things a lot every single day. I guess I wished somehow that my mind would stop doing that to some degree.

This big move was to be a fresh start for us. And, in so many ways, it has been. Mostly good, of course! And, we do love it here... it's breathtaking and beautiful. The weather has been great... much cooler than we're used to, but I'll take that over the heat any day! Perfect running weather. But, I still have days where I miss Matteo so much that I feel completely paralyzed by the pain. I hurt so much. I miss him so much. I am so angry that he died and feel as I should have been the one to have prevented it... that somehow, I failed completely on my parental duties the night he died. I sometimes feel like I can't possibly live another day without that little guy.

He would have loved it here... finding and catching caterpillars with Rocco and Gabby. Finding and watching gigantic banana slugs making trails across the driveway, seeing snakes, hearing the coyotes, etc. I wonder sometimes if we've lost his little spirit along the way or if he's followed us... of if he's just taking his own sweet time to show us a strong sign that he's still with us. A few times when I've needed it most here... Matteo's gifted me with a sky full of stars, or at least sightings of his big star in the sky... situated right near the moon.

Is it awful that I still look at what are our current family photos... and I focus on what is missing. I wonder where he would have been standing or what he would have looked like.

I guess it's true what they say... you can run, but you can't hide.