Milestone: 17 month and 26 days old

While on my run tonight, it hit me that Marco is 17 months, 26 days old today.

To most people, that wouldn't be something worth noting. But, it is to me... because that is one day longer that Matteo lived. His lifespan was a much too short 17 months and 25 days, before tragically dying while sleeping in his crib.

I cross this age with Marco, thankful that he is still alive and hasn't died in his sleep. That may sound incredibly insane and crazy. But, I can't possibly describe how real of a fear this was/is for me every night. For the longest time after Matteo died, I thought Gabby and Rocco were going to stop breathing in their sleep too and I could not sleep at night. Then, the trauma was sort of heightened when Giuliana arrived. I never slept well. Sometimes, I would check on her a dozen times during the night. Same thing with Marco. Now, I feel a little more in the *safe* zone... but also know that is still a concern as children have been known to die in their sleep (for no apparent reason) up to age 3. My confidence as a parent is also slowly and surely building back up. Because let me tell you... your child dies, and their is no greater guilt you could ever feel in your lifetime. Everyone I know has tried to reassure me there is nothing we could have done to change things. God, himself, could tell me that I did nothing wrong and couldn't have prevented in any possible way... but it doesn't change the way I feel. I was his mommy... he should not have died.

I think about him constantly. The kids think/talk about him every day. And, we all have our sad moments and big cries.

It seems that after a child dies, there are many milestones. One might think the milestones are the obvious... like the anniversary of their death, or their birthday. And, while those are significant milestones... some of the not so obvious dates or life events can be the ones to sting and hurt the most.

Not being able to send him off to kindergarten with Rocco this year was immensely painful...even after 4 years have passed. At times, I still wonder (and maybe wish) what trouble the twins would be getting into together these days. I miss that kid so much, every single minute.

I always wonder how different life would be if he were still here with us. I know it would be incredibly different... and I guess that was just a journey our lives were not meant to take.

Life is truly so short. Spend it with the people you love and care about. Don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges or let anger waste away at you. Support your friends and family through the good and bad, and celebrate the people you love...their accomplishments great and small.

I remind myself  constantly that I won't live forever. Ever since Matteo died, I can never really plan anything *forever*, or for example, think that we'll be settled in one home for the rest of our lives. You see... we experienced what I think is the worst kind of life tragedy... and I know all too well that nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just can't expect to be here on this planet for any length of time. You can hope... but there are no guarantees. 

So, we all need to try to make every day count! :)
 

4 Years without Matteo

Sometimes... there are just no words.

I was not sure it would be possible... but missing you more than ever, sweet Matteo Tate. I love you so much baby boy and I hope you can see our candles from Heaven tonight and feel our love each and every day.  
 
Four years, four glassybaby's to light..."believe", "angel", "forever", and "love".

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." ~ Helen Keller

“And can it be in a world so full and busy, the loss of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up.”

– Charles Dickens

“Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...”

-- Isak Dinesen

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together;

Keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.”
~Winnie the Pooh

 

3.5 years without Matteo

It has been 43+ months, or a little over 3.5 years, since I last saw and held Matteo.

Sometimes, it hurts so deeply to say those words out loud. My heart jumps into my throat the instant I acknowledge and type that nightmarish fact.

Other times, I am able to control myself and keep the sadness stored neatly inside of me, so nobody has to clean up the mess.  

I think about Matteo constantly throughout the day, every day, just as a mother thinks constantly about any of her children that are not within arm’s reach. It would be impossible to train a mother’s mind to not obsessively wonder, care, or think about one of her children. It would simply go against human nature.

Matteo was 18 months old when he died. And here we are 3.5 years later, and our new baby boy, Marco, has now lived half of Matteo’s life.

I haven’t written a blog post focused solely on Matteo in a very long time. Not because I don't have *content*. There are plenty of blog posts that could be written, almost on a daily basis, solely devoted to Matteo, and life after one of your children dies. Things happen throughout the day; you have conversations with family, old friends and new friends; encounters with strangers… and some of those moments will instantly start a thought process, and an entire article unfolds in my head before I know it.

The fact of the matter is that it’s easier to just keep that tornado of emotion inside my head. The process of writing my feelings about grief in an organized, concentrated way can bring me down into a tunnel of gloom that often times can be very hard to climb out of. And, I don’t want this blog to become a sad/dark place. I want my children to be able to read through this blog someday and know that we are (were) a happy family, despite having lost Matteo. I want them to know how hard Matteo’s death was on all of us and how it changed us, but that it didn’t destroy us.

One might think it gets easier to write about grief as time passes, or that life gets easier to live again. I’m not sure it is possible to find peace, or that time heals you after the loss of a child.

I haven’t found peace with Matteo’s death. Not yet. But, I have learned to keep living every day with the pain of his loss.

Matteo’s death still cuts like a knife and knocks the wind out of me. It brings tears to my eyes, makes my head ache, my heart sink, and my throat swells with what could be an eruption of sobbing at any given moment, depending on the day and the triggers. A song, looking through  photos, reading or hearing about another parent’s loss, letting my mind wander, a question Gabby might ask… any of those things can trigger my mind to begin replaying memories that will instantly torment and rip me apart.

Sometimes, I feel like I held him just yesterday. I can still feel his little foot in my hand. I spent most of July 4^th massaging that foot as I sat with him nestled up against me. I had my left arm wrapped around him and my hand holding his foot. It’s as if my hand knew it wouldn’t be able to squish and love those feet for hours on end after that day. Matteo wasn’t feeling good, and I was happy to spend the day snuggled up to him while Dan kept Gabby and Rocco busy with errands and outside play.  

I trimmed his nails, we read stories, we watched D.ora and D.iego. And, I played with his hair a lot that afternoon. I would grab a few fingers full of his hair and pull on the curls until I had them fully extended and straight. Over, and over again. All the while, I had my head snuggled up against his so I could feel his skin on my lips.

I love resting my lips on my babies’ foreheads when I snuggle them. There is a magical, tender, connection this gives me. I love it.

I can honestly still feel Matteo’s chunky little foot in my hand. I can separate my fingers and thumb to the exact size of that chunky foot.

I remember his favorite foods and the tricks we had to pull to get him to eat. I remember his silly wiggle dance, and playing catch with him. I remember so many scenarios of him and Rocco climbing in and out of boxes and bins, and playing so well together. And ten minutes later, they would be making each other crazy.

I remember his raspy voice and it gives me chills. I can hear it in the quiet of the night. I can hear him singing the Dora song, and saying “Gobby”, “Cocco”, and “Momma”, “Dadda”.

The past 3.5 years have been a flurry of ups, downs, and in-betweens. Emotional highs and lows. Priorities have changed, as have many relationships. Our family has grown with the addition of two beautiful, happy children to our family. Yet, they could never come close to replacing the loss of Matteo. He is an unfathomable loss.

Life has changed in so many ways for me, and for us.

The awkwardness of simple questions from a stranger, like “how many children do you have?” will still stop me in my tracks. If you are a parent, you know how often this question comes up. I always want to say “five”. But, in some situations, I anticipate the risk of follow-up questions and will say “four”. Always hating myself if I do—as if I am not acknowledging that Matteo lived, and will forever be one of my children. I’ve learned the hard way that answering “five” can be a slippery slope. For example, my dental hygienist thinks I have five living children. I never expected her to remember how many kids I had. But, I just don’t want to delve into the discussion that follows breaking the news that one of those children died at 18 months of age, while sleeping.   

Pregnancy came with another set of problems. You become a magnet for strangers to ask you very personal questions. I loved the attention when I was pregnant with Gabby, and even the twins. “When are you due? Is this your first? Boy or girl?” Those questions were FUN to answer back then. But, after you have a child die, those questions from a stranger open a whole new can of worms. I was 13 weeks pregnant with Giuliana when Matteo died. And, I hated and wanted to sob every time a stranger asked me those questions. I felt like everyone was being so invasive and insensitive. I wanted to shout “One of my baby boys just died! Leave me alone!”

When I was pregnant with Marco, I was more annoyed than anything. I felt like I couldn’t go out in public without getting questioned by at least 2 strangers “Is this your first?”, “How many do you have?” When I would answer “five”, I’d get the shocked face response, and most often a “Wow, you must be BUSY!” Sometimes, I just wanted to say out loud “well one of them died… so I’m not as busy as I should be.” I’m sure that would have ended the conversation.

I also had days during my pregnancy with Marco when I felt like I could never really be happy anymore. My guess is that sadness was the result of a mix of pregnancy hormones, grief, not getting my regular dose of endorphins from running and the Pacific Northwest weather. For instance, I recall being on a trip with my girlfriends in January, and several times I literally laughed until I cried. I was trying so hard to be happy. They thought I was laughing so hard I cried. I think the truth was that I was crying more than laughing. I was trying so hard to be happy and laugh, but I couldn’t bottle the sadness. It came out with any emotion.

Three and a half years. Almost as old as Giuliana. Giuliana will forever be 6 months younger than the time associated with the anniversary of Matteo’s death.

Rocco is now five. Gabby is now seven. Matteo should be five too.  

Your child dies. You gain a new respect for life. A new appreciation for life, and a sense of wonder about it. When you look up at the moon and stars at night… you wonder if your child is out there. You contemplate how really tiny and small we (humans) really, truly are. You start to not care so much about a lot of things. And other things, the important things, are what you focus on.

When your child dies, and the coroner can’t tell you how/why your child died, but you know your child had a virus, you become a bit more obsessive about germs. I get great anxiety when my little people are sick. PTSD. I don’t sleep. I’m short with Dan. I’m stressed. And, I’ll check the sick child throughout the night to the point of it being a crazy obsession because I fear another child dying in their sleep. Though, I would never tell my children that.

My PTSD has gotten a little better. Granted, Marco has not yet had a fever. Hopefully, I can remain calm and not get too stressed when he has his first unexplained high fever. And, I pray that doesn’t happen until he’s 18. Eighteen YEARS OLD, that is. :)

My children wash their hands every time they enter the house. It is habit to them now—I don’t even have to ask them to do it. I get frustrated when strangers touch my infant or itty bitty child’s hand. I want to say “Hello, do I know you?! And, when is the last time you washed your hands? Are you sick? Have you been around someone sick? Then please DO NOT TOUCH my baby’s hand or give them food that you have just touched. Don’t you realize this child is not fully vaccinated yet?!”

Since Matteo’s death, I imagine my parenting has changed. I imagine I hug my kids a little longer, snuggle a little more, and feel a little worse when they are upset or hurt (whether their pain is physical or emotional). I am probably a little more protective than the average parent. And, I imagine I probably want them to get every ounce of joy they possibly can out of life, and that includes making the best of awful situations… because Matteo doesn’t have that. He was cheated out of life. And, I feel like we all owe it to Matteo to try and make every day a good day.

Life has me so busy these days—it’s probably a good thing. My mind doesn’t have time to hang out in the dark tunnel of grief. Days/weeks pass by at warp speed. Keeping up with four children, school, their activities, and taking care of them and a home… jeesh… there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Running remains my happy place. I literally NEED that runners high at least 4x week or I get grumpy. It’s my time. I can let my mind wander, talk to Matteo, think without interruptions. It’s like my own personal therapy session because I ALWAYS feel great when I’m done. (Or maybe it’s just the joy of being by myself for an hour! Ha!)  

Gabby misses Matteo. She still has moments where she will get very sad and cry because she misses him and wishes he didn’t die. She gets sad when she looks through MAtteo photo albums, or hears certain songs that have been associated with Matteo’s life/death. Having seen and witnessed more than any child ever should, his death is still very impactful on Gabby’s life. She freaks out if one of her siblings gets hurt or is bleeding. She worries when they are sick. If we have to bring someone to the ER, she is asking if they will come home again. Her fears have faded a bit with time, but they are still there and we still have to parent/counsel those situations carefully. We find ourselves having to reassure her less with time, that what happened to Matteo is not going to happen again to any of her siblings. Gabby loves watching videos with Matteo in them. It can be a slippery slope though… sometimes, she’ll be laughing at him and the video, and sometimes watching the videos can make her sad. Same goes for me.

Rocco often talks about Matteo. He asks a lot of questions about Matteo, and about how him and Matteo were as twins. He’ll ask questions about how they played together, who was born first, and how I gave them baths or fed them in high chairs next to each other. He likes to look at photos of him and Matteo. He enjoys seeing videos. I am not yet sure if he has or will carry memories of him and Matteo with him through life. He’s not quite at an age yet where we can sit down and question his memories of Matteo. Or, if we look through photos with him, I’m not sure he would be able to honestly tell me yet if a photo sparks a memory of Matteo. He knows Matteo is his twin. He talks about him often, and how they were best buddies. He will talk about Matteo when he sees the moon. And, he says goodnight to Matteo every night when he goes to bed.    

Giuliana associates Matteo with the moon and the stars. And, if you ask her about the little red birthmark on her hand, she’ll tell you that’s where Matteo kissed her before she came out of mommy’s womb. The birthmark looks like a little kiss. It has faded a bit with time, but it’s still there. She thinks of Matteo as an angel. She never knew him otherwise. She is also smart/old enough to know that Matteo can often be a sad topic, as she has been known to say “I’m sad because I miss Matteo.” (Clearly picks up on big sister’s emotions/actions/words.) So, then we’ll talk about how wonderful, sweet and special Matteo was until we’re happy again.

The moon has special meaning to Gabby, Rocco and Giuliana. It always sparks a thought, comment or question about Matteo. Balloons are also significant. Whenever the kids have balloons in-hand, they will ask to let them go to Matteo in Heaven. They are convinced Matteo pulls the balloons into Heaven with him the second the balloon disappears.

The moon, a balloon, and Matteo’s profile all make up Matteo’s Dream Fund logo. If anything good can come out of the tragedy of Matteo’s death and the grief we will always carry in our hearts, it has been this non-profit organization. Matteo’s Dream Fund has allowed us to keep Matteo’s memory alive. It has allowed us to raise money for sick and terminally ill children, and their families and provide support to in-hospital schools, recreation therapy, and grief support and counseling services at a few children’s hospitals.

Matteo’s Dream Fund has also been a positive experience for the kids. They have felt the joy of delivering gifts to a children’s hospital around the holidays. And, what better way to teach them “when life give you lemons, you make lemonade.”

I talk to Matteo every day. I think about him every minute of the day and he is the last person I talk to every night. I ask him to watch over our family, and keep our children safe and healthy. He is an angel. He is our little angel.  

I hate that we have an angel. He should be here with us.

I miss you so much, Matteo. I love you to the moon and back.

Matteo's Dream Fund Donates Money to Seattle Children's "The Journey Program"

On October 5, 2012, Matteo's Dream Fund sent a $1,000.00 check to Seattle Children’s Hospital's “Journey Program”, a service that assists any family who has experienced the death of a child by providing support to help parents, siblings and extended family members cope with death, loss, and the grieving process.

The Journey Program assists approximately 200 patient families every year at Seattle Children’s Hospital through support groups, individual and family counseling, providing reading materials and referrals to community resources. They also provide grief support to schools and communities, assist employers with how to help a parent go back to work after losing a child, and provide constant phone support to anyone and everyone who contacts them.

This is such an amazing program, and it truly benefits the entire community, as they will not turn anyone away. So, yes, even non-patient families who experienced the death of a child benefit from this program.

This donation was made possible by a number of donations received at a private event hosted on July 4th by the Dunkin family. HUGE thanks again to the Dunkin family, and everyone who donated money to Matteo’s Dream Fund!

 

If you or anyone you know are in need of support after losing a child, please take a moment to contact your local children's hospital and find out if they have a grief support service.

 

And, just a friendly reminder since we are approaching the season of thanks and giving... remember to set aside some money or time to donate goods or services to those who are in need. There are so many people who need help in so many ways, and we all have the ability and power to make the world a better place.     

Giving Thanks

Our family spent the Thanksgiving holiday this year in a new home. In years past, we have always enjoyed the holiday with our CA family. So, we were definitely missing them this year!

Instead we spent the holiday with wonderful, longtime friends of ours, Christina and Taylor and their darling 1.5 year old twins. Good friends, laughing kids, a full table and lots of food and drink made for a very nice evening. And, to top it off, we all have a LOT to be thankful for, right?!

Snow was still blanketing the yard making it a winter wonderland outside and a snowman stood watch over the front door. There certainly is something about having snow on the ground that makes you anticipate an evening inside with your family and friends.

This year I am thankful for my three living, healthy children. I’m thankful for my loving husband and the best daddy in the world. I’m thankful for the good health of myself, my family and my friends. I’m thankful for the roof over our heads and our jobs. I’m thankful for the things I've experienced and have seen in this life. I'm thankful for all of the people who have reached out to us in so many different ways over the past 17 months. And last but not least, I’m so incredibly thankful for having been able to be Matteo’s mommy, and having known him for the 18 short months of his life.

And just like that… I’m not sure I really like Thanksgiving anymore. No mother should have to say “I’m thankful for having known my child for 18 months”, or 18 years for that matter. I hate that I'm a mommy that has to say that. I hate that I lost him. I hate that death entered my home unexpectedly. I hate that I held death in my arms. I hate that it changed my life completely, in every possible way. I hate that my kids lost their brother. I hate that I know this deep, dark thing called "grief" and I hate that I am so sad, so often. I hate that whenever I look at our family photos… I can only seem to focus on what’s missing. I spend so much time thinking about and wondering where Matteo would have been sitting or standing in these photos and what he would have looked like.

He was so cute. So. Cute. Sun-kissed skin. Huge brown eyes. Curls that wouldn’t stop. And, a big, cheeky smile that melted my heart.

It seems to me that when you've lost a child, this time of year burns you the most. It starts around Halloween and continues through the New Year. Days that are supposed to be festive and fun seem to have a sadness strewn about them. I wake up wanting to cry, but I put on my happy mask and do the festive and happy things that I'm supposed to do so my kids and family feel happy and get in the festive mood for the respective holiday. Meanwhile... my heart continues to ache with sadness. Always missing my handsome, curly haired, forever 33inches and 28lb little dude.

New Home! You can run... but you can't hide.

So... we FINALLY moved into our new home approximately one month ago!!
















Since we moved in, I feel as if almost every waking moment of the day I've been unpacking boxes and organizing "stuff". When not unpacking, I'm still nursing an almost 10 month old, making dinner every night (we've only eaten out once since we moved in), finding a new pediatrician and school for Gabby, twice weekly gymnastics classes, at least 50 visits to Target, hitting the grocery store at least 4 times a week and squeezing in 3-5 mile runs for my sanity.

If I've learned anything in this big move... it's that we have way too much STUFF!! Oh... and that it is a much bigger pain in the butt to finalize a loan than it was 8 years ago.

Only a few things were broken in the move... a glass pitcher, a frame, and of course the new TV that we gifted ourselves with for Christmas last year. Yup... that sort of sucked.

The kids were SO ECSTATIC to finally see and move into their new home. They spent that entire day running through the house screaming with excitement, playing hide and go seek, exploring their new yard, the forest and playhouse behind the house (with real electric lights and everything!), and cheering every time we opened a box with some of their long lost toys or belongings. The kids have truly been enjoying the freedoms that come with living in a house that has a big yard to run and play. They ride their bikes and scooters freely and sometimes for miles every day! They have met 9 new kids in our neighborhood. Two of the girls have become Gabby's newest best friends, and they also play so great with Rocco. And, there is a little boy across the street who plays nicely with all of them as well. And, he has identical twin sisters who are just a few months older than Rocco.

For Dan and I, moving into the new house came with a big sigh of relief. We had been floating for a few months and it was so nice to know that we were on our own turf again and able to once again create some routine and structure in our lives again. We are in love with the house and having a big yard (4.5 acres... ~ 2.5 acres being forest) for the kids to run and play. We have met a lot of the neighbors and they're all so nice and have been very kind and given us warm welcomes. We also were so happy to be reunited with some of our things... like our own bed. It's SO comfy... love it. The best part of being reunited with our stuff though was the feeling that comes along with being oddly close to Matteo again. I love having all of our personal photos decorate the walls of our home... and we have a LOT of beautiful photos of Matteo. And, I love having his urn within our care again, and his precious chest gifted to us by his God parents that neatly stores all of his sweet and short little life's favorite and most memorable possessions. It sits in our new family room, and nicely displays some of our favorite photos of Matteo. Gabby and Rocco gravitate to this often and love to talk about Matteo and look through the priceless items in his chest.

It would have been completely naive of me to have thought for even a moment that moving from our house in CA would take away the pain and loss that one feels constantly throughout the day when you lose a child. But, I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't somewhat hope that it would relieve us of a tiny bit of that pain and constant feeling of loss and emptiness.

While I'm not having to constantly walk past the specific places in our CA house where I held Matteo dead for the first time... or went screaming down the hall, or watched Dan try to do CPR on him, or watched the medics work on him, and where I held him, sobbing and in complete shock, as he lay dead in my arms. I still find myself replaying all of those things a lot every single day. I guess I wished somehow that my mind would stop doing that to some degree.

This big move was to be a fresh start for us. And, in so many ways, it has been. Mostly good, of course! And, we do love it here... it's breathtaking and beautiful. The weather has been great... much cooler than we're used to, but I'll take that over the heat any day! Perfect running weather. But, I still have days where I miss Matteo so much that I feel completely paralyzed by the pain. I hurt so much. I miss him so much. I am so angry that he died and feel as I should have been the one to have prevented it... that somehow, I failed completely on my parental duties the night he died. I sometimes feel like I can't possibly live another day without that little guy.

He would have loved it here... finding and catching caterpillars with Rocco and Gabby. Finding and watching gigantic banana slugs making trails across the driveway, seeing snakes, hearing the coyotes, etc. I wonder sometimes if we've lost his little spirit along the way or if he's followed us... of if he's just taking his own sweet time to show us a strong sign that he's still with us. A few times when I've needed it most here... Matteo's gifted me with a sky full of stars, or at least sightings of his big star in the sky... situated right near the moon.

Is it awful that I still look at what are our current family photos... and I focus on what is missing. I wonder where he would have been standing or what he would have looked like.

I guess it's true what they say... you can run, but you can't hide.

Rocco Bocko Update

Rocco has changed so much in the past year... so many things have happened and he has weathered a storm most children never have to face.

This child melts my heart! He has me completely wrapped around his darling little fingers. I am so proud and completely in love with him.

So, here's a little update on Rocco:
Favorite food: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with Oscar Meyer hot dogs. He will often request this for breakfast and eat the entire package. Oh, and his other favorite food is whatever is on YOUR plate. Seriously, if he sees you eating something... he will climb into your lap and say "Can I have a bite?" This kid eats a LOT of food.

Current favorite toys: Nerf gun, hot wheel cars & trucks, his bike, any type of ball

Favorite books: Any book about trains, airplanes, cars and trucks and "Goodnight, Gorilla!"

Cute words I hope he never says correctly: bamano = banana, bider = spider, booky house = spooky house, juninana = giuliana, capapilar = catapillar, lightny makqueen = Lightning McQueen, alligator = elevator, gray-ma = grandma, kwirl = squirrel, miter circle = motorcycle, gunk = skunk

Sleep patterns: Rocco is our best little sleeper! He'll sleep from 8:45pm'ish to 7:30am'ish. He used to fall asleep within 10 minutes of us putting him in bed and we never had issue of him trying to get out of bed or trying to stall bedtime. However, after having spent the past 3 months sharing a bedroom with his sister, he has learned the wonderful art of delaying bedtime. What a circus! I am SO EXCITED for them to once again have their own bedrooms and for the nightly circus act to be put to a stop. Rocco is also still a GREAT napper. We'll usually nap him around 1pm and he's pretty consistent with napping for at least 2 hours.


















Nick names: Rox, Rocko Bocko, Rocky, Rocquito

Favorite treats: Oreo cookies, Starburst, donut holes,

Best friend: If you ask Rocco who his best friend is, he'll say "Tato". So, while I think Gabby is truly Rocco's best friend, he still also amazingly considers Matteo his best friend too.

First haircut: August 2010 (@ 31 months of age)

Does he remember Matteo? Not 100% sure if or what his memories are of Matteo. He knows who Matteo is... he has no problem identifying Matteo in photos or videos. If you ask Rocco who is brother or twin is, he'll say "Tato". We also talk about Matteo every day so I know it is always a topic that is front-of-mind. For about a month now, he'll often come up to me out of the blue and say "Mommy, Matato just die." He does this most often at bedtime. He knows that when he sees mommy cry, it is because she misses Matteo. He also knows that Matteo has a special star in the sky and that Matteo sits on the moon at night and watches us. Matter of fact the first night we were in Tahoe, we went out to find his star and we could see a million stars. I kid you not. We saw more stars every night in Tahoe than I can ever remember seeing on any given night in my life. It was so beautiful! Anyway, Rocco said "LOOK!! There's a lot of Matteo's up there!" And perhaps there were... perhaps the little guy was surrounding us at one of those times when we needed it most.

Some funny things about Rocco:
When Rocco wants something or wants to show me something, he will physically grab me, and pull me saying "Come here mom... turn THIS way!"

When Rocco wants something, and he wants it now... he'll say "Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I...." until you give it to him or tell him he can have it. VERY persistent, this child.

Lately, if he's upset with me or Dan or even Gabby about something... he'll go up to whoever and say something like "Listen you little man... ". Yes, we are all called "you little man".

When he is mad at you, or upset about a situation he will yell "I NEVER!" And, if he's really mad, he'll yell "I never, never, NEVER!"

Rocco has a serious appetite in the morning. Some of the first words from his mouth every day are "MOM... feed me." Or, "I. NEED. SOME. FOOOOOOOOD." One morning in July while we were staying in Tahoe, I woke up to Rocco yelling from his bedroom "MOOOOOM! I. NEEEEEED. SOME. FOOOOOOD?" followed by a growl.

Funny things he's done in the past 8 months
Missing banana bread: I had just made banana bread and put it on the counter to cool. Two hours later, I couldn't find it anywhere in the kitchen. It seemed very suspicious but I thought Dan had either eaten it or put it somewhere I just hadn't looked. Very odd. Later that afternoon, I was putting toys away in Rocco's room and sure enough... there was the banana bread... under his bed, shoved up against the wall, with huge bites taken out of the center of it.

Screen door tackle: I was on the phone with a friend while we were at the Tahoe rental house. I was watching Rocco press his face up against the screen door and move his hands across the screen. I watched him as he ran away from the screen towards me. Next thing I saw was Rocco running by me at mock speed and he ran right into the screen door, sticking it like he was sacking Tom Brady. I couldn't believe my eyes. Seriously. What on EARTH?! He was fine, of course. The door? Not so much... it flew completely off it's track and we had to replace it. I am still not sure why he did that... maybe he thought it was like a trampoline and he would bounce off. I don't know. Crazy kid.

Ladder jumping: One of the first days we were at my parents house Rocco discovered a ladder standing up in the back yard. (And, yes, this was when my parents were still learning that having my kids in their home was like having 3 monkeys in their house.) My mom looked over and saw that Rocco had climbed to the top of the ladder. She was full of panic and ran over to the bottom of the ladder yelling "Rocco you need to get down." Well... next thing you know, Rocco jumped off the top of the ladder and landed into my mom's unsuspecting arms. Gosh... it's such a funny thing NOW! But honestly, I am still shocked that he didn't flatten her like a pancake when he jumped AND that she actually caught him.

Gun rules: One of Rocco's new favorite toys is a Nerf gun. He kept shooting people with the foam Nerf bullet at my parents house and papa was very worried that he would shoot Giuliana. It doesn't hurt - but we didn't want it to get her in the face. Anyway, Papa told him the rule was that you couldn't shoot people or Papa would take the gun away. Rocco of course had to test this. So, he threatened to shoot Papa, each time Papa saying "Don't do it... I'll take it away." Rocco shot Papa. Papa took the gun away. Rocco cried very, very hard. The next day... Papa put the gun out for Rocco to have again. Rocco was SO happy to see it. My mom and I said "Rocco, now what is the rule with the gun." He stopped, looked at us very seriously and said "Don't. Shoot. The Papa." It was hilarious. We had to tell him... "No, don't shoot people!"

Picking up on girls: Believe it or not, Rocco has pick-up lines. When we were still living in Los Gatos, a few girlfriends were over and they would ask him a question and he would say "I play football all the time." They'd ask him another question and he would say "I throw football really high." or "I throw football really far." This went on and on. He wouldn't answer any of their questions... just kept grinning at them, smiling and talking about football. When they were gone, he said "Mommy... where your friends go?"

Then, when we were in Minnesota, we think he sort of had a thing for his cousin Emily. We were suspect of this when he started following her around and listening to her direction so well. Then, one night when she arrived, Rocco went up to her and said "I sweaty. I went for a run. I got my running shorts on." (while swaying back and forth). At that moment, we knew it was a crush.

Tired or Off Balance?

We've been bouncing around and essentially living out of our suitcases now for 2.5 months.

It has been a lot of fun... vacationing as a family, exploring different landscapes with the kids, going on new adventures and seeing new things. We've been able to visit with and spend quality time with friends and family that we rarely get to see. I've been able to connect with lifelong friends that I haven't seen for years. Making a million fun memories with Gammy and Papa. And, the kids have been able to make lots of new friends, participate in gymnastics and other activities, do LOTS of swimming, and a million other things that I'll write about in a future post. It feels as if it's been a summer of adventure, reflection, change and new outlooks. We've all truly enjoyed it.

But, it's also been challenging at times too. Not having the comforts and conveniences of our own home or a consistent routine. The kids still stuck on Pacific Time. Living out of suitcases. Wishing we had our baby stuff with us for Giuliana to play with. Often being separated due to daddy's business travel. Trying to help the kids understand the transition phase we've been in. Mommy still emotionally and mentally coping with all the change in the past year... Matteo's death, new job for Dan, sale of home, move to new city, and quitting a full time job I loved. Having a booked social calendar (mostly revolving around the kid's play dates and appointments). Reassuring the kids that they will see all of their toys again, have their own bedrooms, a yard to play in and make lots of new friends. Reminding the kids (and myself) that no matter where we are... Matt will be with us... we have lots of photos, videos and he is always in our heart, on our shoulders he's a special star in the sky and he sits on the moon at night watching the world go 'round. And, we've also tried to be very respectful and helpful in the homes we've been so welcomed into. Lots of adjustment and change... yet... sort of just floating and waiting to move into the new house.

The positives have outweighed the negatives. And, I wouldn't change a thing about how we spent the summer of 2010.

Anyway, I confess... I've been a horrible blogger lately. My kids will someday read this and wonder why there was such a long break in blog posts (please God tell me they'll actually read this someday and that I'm not wasting my time).

I think I'm either extremely and extraordinarily tired lately... or I'm just off balance.

Off balance because of everything mentioned above and the stress of just floating while trying to keep everyone happy. Hopefully, the balance will magically return to me in 10 days when I walk through the doors of our new home. Snap. Back to reality. Ok... we all know that's not going to happen. But, I think it will help once we start establishing our new routine, get settled in the new home and aren't having to deal with the stresses of living like gypsies.

Tired... I'll blame this partly on Giuliana, partly on my need to have an hour of time to just be awake doing my own thing after the kids have gone to bed. But most of the blame will sit with my new companion of the past 14+ months... night fear. Yes. I'm terrified of night time. Night to most people equals sleep. To me, night equals sudden, unexplained child death. It means emergencies. It means prepare as if an emergency is going to happen before you go to bed (know where the phones are, make sure the paths are clear, etc.). Living in my parent's home has helped calm this anxiety in me considerably. Probably because it is only very natural to feel protected when you're with your parents. And, when Dan travels, I feel like I have two more people who can assist me if/when that night emergency occurs. I wonder if my anxiety will go up again when we move or if I've sort of conquered a lot of that. Only time will tell, I guess.

The only difficult thing with Giuliana right now (she's seriously the world's BEST baby!) is that she is still waking up to nurse during the night. I think that is one of the downfalls of choosing to solely nurse your baby. You sort of become a snack bar and/or a pacifier. On a good night, she'll only wake up once or twice to nurse. On a bad night... four or five times. She'll always nurse and go right back to bed. But, it's exhausting if she has several bad nights in a row. It creates a sort of dilemma for the breastfeeding momma.

A dilemma of food source vs. sleep. I sleep trained the twins at 7 months... and after that, they'd wake up once in the middle of the night for a bottle, if at all. And with Gabby, she was also just a breastfed baby. She actually refused the bottle completely. I made the mistake of bringing her into our bed because she also woke up multiple times throughout the night. Bringing her into our bed allowed me to nurse her on demand throughout the night, and not have to get out of bed. At the time, I couldn't deal with a full time job and getting up multiple times throughout the night. I laugh at that now... oh boy... those were the EASY days. Well... 4.5 years later and we still often get a little 4.5 yr old visitor in our bed at some point in the night. Fun. Uh huh. I like the snuggles... but not the feet in the back or face.

After having my own four little experiments, my personal opinion is that bottle fed, sleep trained babies are the easiest path for both momma and baby/ies. And, I totally believe in the benefits of breast milk. But, everything has the positive and a negative, right? If you choose to bottle feed your baby breast milk, then you've got to have the time to pump AND feed the baby. Easy with one. More difficult with two or three. I was able to somehow pump for 6.5 months with the twins and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted and had a 2.5 year old to manage as well as a full time job outside the home. So we slowly worked formula into their bottles and they were on 100% formula starting at 7 months. Gabby and Giuliana have both only been fed breastmilk. Both refused formula completely. Giuliana still refuses it... she gags if I try to put it in a sippy cup for her.

So, for Giuliana... I have chosen to just continue nursing her for now and forgo a solid night of sleep. Decisions, decisions.

Well... and I have to admit that it's honestly reassuring to me when she wakes up throughout the night. It's reassuring because then I know she is still alive. I can't possibly explain how strong this fear is inside me that death is just right around the corner and these little ones can just stop breathing in their sleep. Again, we don't know why Matteo died... one theory is that it was an unidentified virus. The other theory is that he died of SIDS (although the coroner wouldn't consider this due to his age and the fact his face was not obstructed). Not knowing the exact cause of death is a nightmare. It creates immense fears within me... fear of germs (yes, you have to wash your hands before you touch my baby). And, a fear of a child that sleeps through the night.

We used to think a sleeping baby was the best thing in the world... don't disturb the sleeping baby, right?! Well, when your child dies in his sleep... you can't help but disturb the sleeping baby and kids. If Giuliana isn't waking up throughout the night, then I am waking up on my own to check her pulse. And, then I check on Gabby and Rocco next. Call me crazy, but I'd rather wake up 10 times a night than have my 8 month old sleep through the night.

So yes... I'm back. Just tired or off balance. Lots of blog posts in the works...

Oh the irony...

Giuliana is 3 months old now. I honestly can't believe it. Time flies.

Giuliana slept her first 10 hour stretch last night from 9:30pm-7:30am. She's rolling onto her side, and when she's on her tummy, she's almost rolling onto her back. She LOVES when people talk to her... she'll smile and coo and she kicks her legs real hard. She's just beyond precious and we all love her so very much.

This past week was crazy, as Dan was in Boston for work, our au pair was on vacation, Rocco was diagnosed with bronchitis and Giuliana was then diagnosed with a double ear infection. So, every trip outside the house involved dragging three kids along with me... to the grocery store, school drops-offs and pick-ups, the pharmacy, etc. Everything had to revolve around Giuliana's nursing and her and Rocco's naps. And, if that wasn't enough... it was going to the be the first time I didn't have another adult staying with me in the house since Matteo died. I was dreading it. A big part of me was SO scared... especially since Rocco and Giuls were sick..I was so worried something bad was going to happen... again.

I knew it was another big hurdle I would eventually need to cross. And while I was dreading it and didn't think I was quite ready yet.... I did it. By Thursday, I was SO sleep deprived. I must have checked the kids a million times throughout the night to make sure they were still breathing.

I was SO EXCITED to see Dan walk in that front door again!

Anyway, on Saturday... it was unusually cold here. So, we decided to bring Giuliana in for her 3 month photos. And, since we all went together... we ended up getting a few family shots too.

The moment we walked into the studio they assigned us to, we pulled the curtain shut, the kids sprinted across the floor and we heard another mother outside of our studio say "Look at Matteo!"

I looked at Dan and almost fell over. I didn't believe my ears... so I asked Dan if he just heard what I heard. And, he looked at me and said "Yeah... I heard it. Matteo."

The irony.

There we were, with our 3 living children... both of us knowing/thinking about how Matteo should have been with us. And, another mother outside of OUR studio talks about Matteo. Her Matteo. It's not like Matteo is even that common of a name, right? In that moment... I couldn't have wished harder that it was MY Matteo she was talking about.

Pure coincidence?

I don't know. But, gosh... these zingers just tear me apart and make me want to believe they are little signs from OUR little Matteo.

When we left the studio with the prints, all I could think about was what Matteo would have looked like yesterday... where he would have been standing/sitting... what he would have worn. I contemplated photoshopping his little face into the photos. Seriously - I contemplated this. But, I ruled it out for the obvious reasons. It just wouldn't look right and people would probably think I was NUTS. I don't want to be nuts. I just want my baby back. I want him to grow with us and be part of our family again.

Nine months have passed and I still haven't been able to display a recent family photo in our house because Matteo isn't in them. I look at recent family photos and I see incomplete photos... he's missing. Gone. Just like that. Frozen forever in time as an 18 month old.

A friend, who also just happens to be a an amazing professional photographer (David - DNK Digital) took some great photos of us last fall when our family was newly broken and Giuliana was 7 months along. I love the photos, but until now could never even post them on the blog.

Maybe it's time to contemplate crossing the next big hurdle of displaying a more recent family photo in the house.

Maybe.