Tired or Off Balance?

We've been bouncing around and essentially living out of our suitcases now for 2.5 months.

It has been a lot of fun... vacationing as a family, exploring different landscapes with the kids, going on new adventures and seeing new things. We've been able to visit with and spend quality time with friends and family that we rarely get to see. I've been able to connect with lifelong friends that I haven't seen for years. Making a million fun memories with Gammy and Papa. And, the kids have been able to make lots of new friends, participate in gymnastics and other activities, do LOTS of swimming, and a million other things that I'll write about in a future post. It feels as if it's been a summer of adventure, reflection, change and new outlooks. We've all truly enjoyed it.

But, it's also been challenging at times too. Not having the comforts and conveniences of our own home or a consistent routine. The kids still stuck on Pacific Time. Living out of suitcases. Wishing we had our baby stuff with us for Giuliana to play with. Often being separated due to daddy's business travel. Trying to help the kids understand the transition phase we've been in. Mommy still emotionally and mentally coping with all the change in the past year... Matteo's death, new job for Dan, sale of home, move to new city, and quitting a full time job I loved. Having a booked social calendar (mostly revolving around the kid's play dates and appointments). Reassuring the kids that they will see all of their toys again, have their own bedrooms, a yard to play in and make lots of new friends. Reminding the kids (and myself) that no matter where we are... Matt will be with us... we have lots of photos, videos and he is always in our heart, on our shoulders he's a special star in the sky and he sits on the moon at night watching the world go 'round. And, we've also tried to be very respectful and helpful in the homes we've been so welcomed into. Lots of adjustment and change... yet... sort of just floating and waiting to move into the new house.

The positives have outweighed the negatives. And, I wouldn't change a thing about how we spent the summer of 2010.

Anyway, I confess... I've been a horrible blogger lately. My kids will someday read this and wonder why there was such a long break in blog posts (please God tell me they'll actually read this someday and that I'm not wasting my time).

I think I'm either extremely and extraordinarily tired lately... or I'm just off balance.

Off balance because of everything mentioned above and the stress of just floating while trying to keep everyone happy. Hopefully, the balance will magically return to me in 10 days when I walk through the doors of our new home. Snap. Back to reality. Ok... we all know that's not going to happen. But, I think it will help once we start establishing our new routine, get settled in the new home and aren't having to deal with the stresses of living like gypsies.

Tired... I'll blame this partly on Giuliana, partly on my need to have an hour of time to just be awake doing my own thing after the kids have gone to bed. But most of the blame will sit with my new companion of the past 14+ months... night fear. Yes. I'm terrified of night time. Night to most people equals sleep. To me, night equals sudden, unexplained child death. It means emergencies. It means prepare as if an emergency is going to happen before you go to bed (know where the phones are, make sure the paths are clear, etc.). Living in my parent's home has helped calm this anxiety in me considerably. Probably because it is only very natural to feel protected when you're with your parents. And, when Dan travels, I feel like I have two more people who can assist me if/when that night emergency occurs. I wonder if my anxiety will go up again when we move or if I've sort of conquered a lot of that. Only time will tell, I guess.

The only difficult thing with Giuliana right now (she's seriously the world's BEST baby!) is that she is still waking up to nurse during the night. I think that is one of the downfalls of choosing to solely nurse your baby. You sort of become a snack bar and/or a pacifier. On a good night, she'll only wake up once or twice to nurse. On a bad night... four or five times. She'll always nurse and go right back to bed. But, it's exhausting if she has several bad nights in a row. It creates a sort of dilemma for the breastfeeding momma.

A dilemma of food source vs. sleep. I sleep trained the twins at 7 months... and after that, they'd wake up once in the middle of the night for a bottle, if at all. And with Gabby, she was also just a breastfed baby. She actually refused the bottle completely. I made the mistake of bringing her into our bed because she also woke up multiple times throughout the night. Bringing her into our bed allowed me to nurse her on demand throughout the night, and not have to get out of bed. At the time, I couldn't deal with a full time job and getting up multiple times throughout the night. I laugh at that now... oh boy... those were the EASY days. Well... 4.5 years later and we still often get a little 4.5 yr old visitor in our bed at some point in the night. Fun. Uh huh. I like the snuggles... but not the feet in the back or face.

After having my own four little experiments, my personal opinion is that bottle fed, sleep trained babies are the easiest path for both momma and baby/ies. And, I totally believe in the benefits of breast milk. But, everything has the positive and a negative, right? If you choose to bottle feed your baby breast milk, then you've got to have the time to pump AND feed the baby. Easy with one. More difficult with two or three. I was able to somehow pump for 6.5 months with the twins and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted and had a 2.5 year old to manage as well as a full time job outside the home. So we slowly worked formula into their bottles and they were on 100% formula starting at 7 months. Gabby and Giuliana have both only been fed breastmilk. Both refused formula completely. Giuliana still refuses it... she gags if I try to put it in a sippy cup for her.

So, for Giuliana... I have chosen to just continue nursing her for now and forgo a solid night of sleep. Decisions, decisions.

Well... and I have to admit that it's honestly reassuring to me when she wakes up throughout the night. It's reassuring because then I know she is still alive. I can't possibly explain how strong this fear is inside me that death is just right around the corner and these little ones can just stop breathing in their sleep. Again, we don't know why Matteo died... one theory is that it was an unidentified virus. The other theory is that he died of SIDS (although the coroner wouldn't consider this due to his age and the fact his face was not obstructed). Not knowing the exact cause of death is a nightmare. It creates immense fears within me... fear of germs (yes, you have to wash your hands before you touch my baby). And, a fear of a child that sleeps through the night.

We used to think a sleeping baby was the best thing in the world... don't disturb the sleeping baby, right?! Well, when your child dies in his sleep... you can't help but disturb the sleeping baby and kids. If Giuliana isn't waking up throughout the night, then I am waking up on my own to check her pulse. And, then I check on Gabby and Rocco next. Call me crazy, but I'd rather wake up 10 times a night than have my 8 month old sleep through the night.

So yes... I'm back. Just tired or off balance. Lots of blog posts in the works...