We love the month of October. Not only do we love the cool, crisp air… but we love the leaves changing color, football, and HALLOWEEN! 
Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!
A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!
We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.
It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.
It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.
Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.
There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.
Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.
Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!
A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!
We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.
It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.
It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.
Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.
There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.
Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.
We wish you were here with us, Matatoe. And, we’re always thinking of you 'lil buddy.
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3 comments:
It looks like a lovely day. Gabby & Rocco are getting so big. I am so sorry that Matteo was not with you....no words. Just thinking of you!
I understand how wrong it feels to take family photos with someone missing. It's one of the things I'm dreading most about the coming holidays. I always made sure to get family photos on Thanksgiving to include in our Christmas cards. Last year I sent no cards. We were missing Jayden too much. It was too soon. Too raw.
This year I can't imagine taking photos. There will be a huge chunk of our family missing. How do you ever fill that void?
I wish I knew for both of us.
Hugs and peace to you, Jodi.
Thanks so much for sharing the pictures Jodi. I had to smile seeing the "A" on Dan's hat. My heart is with you friend . . .
Abby
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