Recent Updates

Things have been busy around here. Maybe that's a good thing. I find it hard to believe we're approaching the end of October.

The kids have been growing a lot... both getting a few inches taller since Matteo died. I'd also guess that Rocco has gained 2lbs since mid-July. I can only imagine Matteo would have been right there with him in the weight gain. They weighed the same, 28lbs, when Matteo died.

Rocco's talking skills have improved immensely and he’s hit that point where we can no longer keep track of the words because there are so many. Matteo's speech was a little more advanced than Rocco's... words seemed to come easier to that little guy. And, since they had their own little language, I think it delayed both of them wanting/needing to learn words as quickly as singleton babies. Anyway, Rocco says new words and short sentences every day now. Some of the funnier things he’ll say include:
* “Where’d Gabby go?” (or daddy or mommy)
* “Airplane! Airplane! Bye, bye airplane!”
* “No! Don’t DO that!” (He’ll say this when Dan is tickling Gabby, if we have to take something away from him or do something he doesn't want us to do.)
* “I want a sip!”
* "Tank you, momma!" (His version of "thank you"; always so good with his manners without any reminders.)

Rocco is great at identifing body parts, and he'll happily point out his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, shoulders, hands, fingers, belly, butt, knees, feet and toes.

Rocco's favorite toys now include balls, cars and trains. He seems to ALWAYS be carrying around one of these things. He is built like such a little athlete... and he's got the ball throwing skills to prove it!

Rocco has also amazed us in recent months with actually sitting and listening nicely when we read him a story. Granted... he doesn't sit long. But, he can usually make it through his favorite book about animals, and can now tell us what these animals say:
* Cow
* Doggy
* Horse
* Frog
* Ducky
* Kitty-cat
* Sheep
* Bumble Bee (Buzzzzzzzz)
* Birdy
* Butterfly (he'll wave his hands in the air and say "fly")
* Ghost (ok... so this isn't an animal... but he loves to say "Boo!")

Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

Gabby is loving pre-K and her new teachers. We've been working a lot with her on her letters... identifing them and knowing the sounds they make. Sometimes, we'll go through flashcards before bed with her and she will consistently only trip on a few letter sounds. She has become much more interested in coloring and drawing and painting. I think this has to do with the fact that Sarah (our au pair) will color with her for at least an hour straight on M, W, F's. Prior to this... Gabby would say "Let's color..." and then she would proceed to art direct and instruct you on the colors to use and what to color. Gabby also continues to enjoy helping me cook and back... she too likes to pour stuff into the bowl and stir.

Gabby is still obsessed with princesses. She has told us on numerous occasion that "Belle is my mommy and the Beast is my daddy". She can often be seen and heard, dancing through the house, singing the "Beauty & the Beast" theme song. She'll get this little sparkle in her eye and acts very princess-like while she's doing this. She's always dressing up in costume dresses... and loves to color in princess coloring books.

Gabby is also quite the fashionista. Only Gabby can choose her outfit for the day. If we try to choose her outfit, it begins a long and difficult battle that I don't choose to fight. She's also gotten into the habit of bringing an extra pair of shoes with her to school... glittery/sparkly/princess shoes. Interestingly enough, the teacher seems to be completely understanding of this fashion statement. Gabby is also still in gymnastics and started soccer in September.

The favorite cartoon these days seems to be old-school "Tom & Jerry". And the favorite game in the house is "get you" (involves Dan chasing the two of them through the house) and "hide & go seek". Rocco is definitely a great little hider! You'll often hear Gabby giggling... but Rocco will stay very quiet and still. Dan will also spend time wrestling Rocco... and Rocco gets VERY jealous if Gabby gets into the mix of it. It quickly brings back memories for both Dan & I about all the jealous moments you have to face and can't avoid with toys and/or attention when it comes to having multiples. So often throughout the day, one little guy would be crying due to the other little guy stealing a toy or getting to the mommies legs/lap first.

I asked Gabby she wanted to be for Halloween, and her answer was "I want to be Belle and Rocco is going to be the Beast". This of course only makes me wonder what costume she would have suggested for Matt.

The kids hug each other often. They get very excited to see each other when they've been apart. And, we couldn't be more proud or love them more. It just breaks our heart though not having Matteo here with us every day. It hurts to know that Gabby & Rocco aren't making memories WITH him anymore... and it is still almost BEYOND incredibly lonely to watch just the two of them playing together. And, even more painful to watch Rocco playing alone. It's still a sight I am just not used to seeing... and I'm not sure when I will get more comfortable with it. We're always missing our little dude. Always.

The weeks seem to fly by. Nights still seem to last way too long. And, I still dread nightfall. The 4th and 5th of every month suck... as I'm sure they always will. Every Saturday night stings with memories and thoughts of "I wish I would have...". Every Sunday morning is a bitter reminder of how many weeks it's been since I last saw my sweet baby... and everything we lost when he left us.

Rocco still points at Matteo's photos and says "buddy". He'll hold my Flip video camera up to me and say "buddy" when he wants to watch a video of him playing with Matt or of Matt alone.

Gabby and I always talk to Matt before we go to sleep at night... we tell him about our day and how much we miss him and wish he was still with us. We ask him to watch over us and keep us safe... such a big task for a little man. Our last words always seem to be "Goodnight Matatoe. We love you."

If I wake up during the night (which is often, since I'm very prego), it takes forever to fall back asleep because I instantly think of Matteo. I think of him immediately and see his face in my mind. I wish a million things in life were different and am haunted by the look on my sweet baby boy's face as Dan passed him to me in our doorway... without telling me he was dead... but me already knowing. And, I play that scene over and over in my head... probably close to 60 times a day.

I still cry when I go on walks by myself. I cry when I type blog posts like this. I cry when I look at the storage box filled with all of Matt's short little life of belongings, and proof that he existed. I cry in Dan's arms. It's my therapy. I spend lots of time looking at photos of him and have put his beautiful face everywhere throughout our home. I like to see his face often... I don't know why... perhaps it helps me feel he's still with us. I am still in a phase where I prefer to not really talk on the phone. I prefer to drive in the car with the radio off... I like it silent. So I can think.

I continue to find myself breaking down, crying at random moments every day. I still think of Matteo every single minute of the day. He is always front of mind. Always.