Jumping On My Heart

Today sucked. Today was difficult beyond words and I don’t even know why or how it was, but it was.

I’m at work and I get a phone call on my cell from a hospital number. I immediately assume it’s one of the doctor’s I’m needing to talk with about work-related stuff, so I answer it.
Caller: “Hi. Are you the parent of Matteo Martino?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “We need to get some updated insurance information for Matteo.”
Me: “Ummm… for what? Can you tell me why you need this?”
Caller: “Oh, well he is scheduled for his 6 month post-op audiology appointment on such and such date and….”
Me: Breathless. Heart in my throat. I’m at work. Thinking how I can’t spit out “My child died 16 weeks ago” because I will start crying uncontrollably and won’t be able to stop.
Me: “Um. You won't be needing it.”
Caller: Clearly confused. “Ok… so… do you want me to cancel the appointment.”
Me: “Yes. Please cancel it.”

I hang up the phone. Tears start flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I look at Matt’s photo and all I can think is how he should be here. He SHOULD be having this appointment. Rocco will be having his appointment. I think “why didn’t they ask about Rocco’s insurance?” and then remember that I didn’t recently cancel Rocco’s insurance. I canceled Matt’s. Life just keeps going and going and my poor sweet baby is forever stuck and frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days old. He took his last breath on July 4th. And, he’s dead. Gone. Forever. And, I miss him more than I could ever possibly explain. And, it physically hurts… this pain… this loss. And, I would do anything, ANYTHING to sob right here, right now at my desk, if it wouldn’t freak the hell out of my coworkers. So, I sob silently. I take deep breaths. And, I continue wiping my eyes and my nose. And, I keep telling myself to think happy thoughts. But, I can’t. Because I miss Matt so bad it kills me inside. And, I feel alone. I wish I could jump into a hole and just cry.

This phone call… it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground… and then proceeded to jump on it a million times, while I was watching.

I tried my hardest to pull myself together. But, I couldn’t.

And, I broke down tonight. I sobbed in Dan’s arms for what felt like forever. I want my baby back. I miss him SO much. So. Much. It. Hurts.

I want to know what he would look like right now… and what words he’d be saying. Rocco is so much bigger now and has so many words. I want Rocco to ask “Where Matteo go?”… but he doesn’t. And, that kills me. I want him to have memories of his brother. And, I feel like the more time that passes the chances of him remembering his twin get slimmer and slimmer.

And, Matt should be here for Halloween… and Dan’s birthday this week. He should have been here to enjoy the beautiful weather we had over the weekend. He should have been able to go on a walk with Gabby, Rocco and I on Sunday… and see the beautiful sunset. Instead, I had to tell them that Matteo made the sunset so beautiful… for us… because he’s an angel… and angels have super powers. Matteo would have loved seeing all the colors of fall. He would have taken it all in like he did everything in life. He was such an observant little guy.

Sixteen weeks… and not a minute of the day passes without me thinking about my little angel. Not a single minute.