Oh the irony...

Giuliana is 3 months old now. I honestly can't believe it. Time flies.

Giuliana slept her first 10 hour stretch last night from 9:30pm-7:30am. She's rolling onto her side, and when she's on her tummy, she's almost rolling onto her back. She LOVES when people talk to her... she'll smile and coo and she kicks her legs real hard. She's just beyond precious and we all love her so very much.

This past week was crazy, as Dan was in Boston for work, our au pair was on vacation, Rocco was diagnosed with bronchitis and Giuliana was then diagnosed with a double ear infection. So, every trip outside the house involved dragging three kids along with me... to the grocery store, school drops-offs and pick-ups, the pharmacy, etc. Everything had to revolve around Giuliana's nursing and her and Rocco's naps. And, if that wasn't enough... it was going to the be the first time I didn't have another adult staying with me in the house since Matteo died. I was dreading it. A big part of me was SO scared... especially since Rocco and Giuls were sick..I was so worried something bad was going to happen... again.

I knew it was another big hurdle I would eventually need to cross. And while I was dreading it and didn't think I was quite ready yet.... I did it. By Thursday, I was SO sleep deprived. I must have checked the kids a million times throughout the night to make sure they were still breathing.

I was SO EXCITED to see Dan walk in that front door again!

Anyway, on Saturday... it was unusually cold here. So, we decided to bring Giuliana in for her 3 month photos. And, since we all went together... we ended up getting a few family shots too.

The moment we walked into the studio they assigned us to, we pulled the curtain shut, the kids sprinted across the floor and we heard another mother outside of our studio say "Look at Matteo!"

I looked at Dan and almost fell over. I didn't believe my ears... so I asked Dan if he just heard what I heard. And, he looked at me and said "Yeah... I heard it. Matteo."

The irony.

There we were, with our 3 living children... both of us knowing/thinking about how Matteo should have been with us. And, another mother outside of OUR studio talks about Matteo. Her Matteo. It's not like Matteo is even that common of a name, right? In that moment... I couldn't have wished harder that it was MY Matteo she was talking about.

Pure coincidence?

I don't know. But, gosh... these zingers just tear me apart and make me want to believe they are little signs from OUR little Matteo.

When we left the studio with the prints, all I could think about was what Matteo would have looked like yesterday... where he would have been standing/sitting... what he would have worn. I contemplated photoshopping his little face into the photos. Seriously - I contemplated this. But, I ruled it out for the obvious reasons. It just wouldn't look right and people would probably think I was NUTS. I don't want to be nuts. I just want my baby back. I want him to grow with us and be part of our family again.

Nine months have passed and I still haven't been able to display a recent family photo in our house because Matteo isn't in them. I look at recent family photos and I see incomplete photos... he's missing. Gone. Just like that. Frozen forever in time as an 18 month old.

A friend, who also just happens to be a an amazing professional photographer (David - DNK Digital) took some great photos of us last fall when our family was newly broken and Giuliana was 7 months along. I love the photos, but until now could never even post them on the blog.

Maybe it's time to contemplate crossing the next big hurdle of displaying a more recent family photo in the house.

Maybe.