Moving on...

Exactly three years ago (June 2007), we moved out of our home in California so it could be gutted and remodeled. We bought the home in 2002 as a fixer upper, and since we planned to live in that home for at least the next 20 years of our lives, we decided it was worth the investment. At the same time, we found out we were expecting triplets. While we had a lot of medical concerns related to the multiple pregnancy, we were so excited to be adding to our family. Our daughter Gabriella was 18 months old at the time, and our world revolved around the joy she brought to our lives.

It was a challenging 7 months for us, as I had complications with my multiple pregnancy and we were constantly battling with a few of our contractors to finish the remodel so we could move back into our home before the babies arrived. On January 1, 2008, we moved back into our newly remodeled home. And, just over a week later, we welcomed twin boys, Rocco and Matteo, into our lives. Gabby, was completely in love with her little brothers. And, Dan and I were beyond relieved, elated and proud. We had three healthy, beautiful children. We were back in our newly remodeled nest. And, well, life couldn’t have been sweeter.

In May 2009, we found out I was pregnant with a surprise baby. It was shocking – but exciting too. On July 2, 2009, we found out baby surprise would be a girl… and once again, we couldn't believe how incredibly blessed we were. We'd soon have 4 kiddos to love.

Then two and a half days later, everything about life as we know it changed. Death crept into our home that night and it has never been the same since.

It is impossible to escape the vivid memories of that awful morning while living in this house. Every moment of that morning continues to haunt me. When I walk by or look at specific areas in our house... my mind only wants to replay what happened in those spots the morning we found Matteo dead.

I remember people seeing our remodeled home for the first time when they came to see us for Matteo's funeral. I remember people commenting "oh I love this" or "I love how you did that"... and all I could think was how I now hated this house. It no longer felt like a warm, happy home... it was suddenly just a cold, stupid house. And, I hated it.

Matteo’s death has changed our lives in ways I could never begin to explain. It has impacted every priority, every goal, every conversation, every relationship, and every ounce of our being.

Matteo's death prompted a ripple of change in our lives. Dan searched for and found a job that would allow him to not be required to work around the clock. He now has more time for me and the kids and deals with less work-related stress. His new job has also allowed us the opportunity to move out of state which we were very excited about. And, I decided I'd much rather spend the majority of my time with my kids while they're little, and less time working outside the home or commuting to and from work. We decided we wanted to spend more time living life and less time working to live. We also decided we wanted more living space (inside and out), and more money to spend on fun stuff and good times. So, we decided to put our house up for sale and see what would happen.

Our house sold shockingly (is that a word?) fast. We put it on the market the last week of April... one week before I returned to work. It sold in four days. The sign was out front for a total of 2 days when we received the offer in hand.

Suddenly, we were about to be homeless with a 4yr old, 2yr old, an almost 4mnth old, and an au pair. I hadn't even returned to work yet from maternity leave... yikes! So, that Saturday we hopped on a plane to Denver where we thought we were going to move. After a quick visit, we decided it just wasn't for us.

So, we targeted a different city on the west coast. And, it was a very good fit! Dan's been going there almost every week to look at homes. Giuliana and I joined him on one trip and we fell in love with one house in particular.

Next, I had to "break up" with my work family at Lucile Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford. It was incredibly difficult to resign because I really enjoyed my job, but moreso, I loved the group of people I worked with. They had been there to support me through the birth of 4 children and the death of one. Not sure I would have received the same magnitude of love and support from any other group of people.

Fast forward two months... we're almost finished packing and we move out of this house on SUNDAY! Our "stuff" will all go to a storage unit until we have our final destination secured... which we're hoping to do ASAP!!

We're planning to spend the month of July in the Lake Tahoe area. Dan will be working remotely and traveling a bit for work. But, it will sort of be one very long vacation for the rest of us. A good friend rented her home to us and I'm very much looking forward to this get-away. As we cross the 1 year anniversary of Matteo's death I just want to be away from the noise of life, and be somewhere beautiful. I can't imagine being IN this house on the 4th and 5th of July... too many awful and sad memories.

So... we're moving on.

It's very bittersweet in many ways. We had so many dreams for our family in this house. It was the only home Matteo ever knew. It was the house he died in.

We're hoping this move will give us a bit of a fresh start. One can hope, right?