Numb... one year without Matteo

Numb. I think that's a good way to describe how I feel at this moment, today.

One year ago was the last day we spent with our sweet little Matt. I had no idea that when I put him down for bed, that I would never see him alive again. He was just days shy of 18 months. And, now, he's already been gone for two-thirds of his lifetime.

The past year has been the most difficult year of my life. But, somehow the one year anniversary doesn't seem any more painful than the past 364 days of our lives. Every day I hurt. Every day I cry. Every day my heart breaks all over again. And, every day I miss someone more than I ever thought was possible.

Every single day is hard. For different reasons. And perhaps it is punctuated by seeing his twin, Rocco live and play every day, knowing Matteo should be right here with him and with us.

Rocco and Matteo were both 28lbs and 33 inches tall at this time last year. Two weeks ago, Rocco weighed in at 33.5lbs and was 37.5 inches. I almost cried as the nurse read off his growth stats... wondering what Matteo's would have been. I had to look at the height measurement against the wall just so I could touch the 33 inch mark and visually see where Matteo's head topped off when he died. And, knowing his curls put him at about 34 inches. It hurts a lot to think about the fact that I will never have another growth stat for Matteo. I'll never know anything more about my 'lil dude.

Personally, I can't think of living through anything more difficult than the memories from the morning Matteo died. Every memory from our last day with him on the 4th of July, and every memory from that nightmare day that followed is so vivid. His face. The coldness of his body. The instant feeling of just knowing he was gone... forever. Never to see his smiling face again or his wiggle... or to hear him say "mamama".

The morning of July 5th was utter chaos. The first, very worst day of my life. I have never been in more shock or felt so much pain. I have never before felt defeat like I did that morning or have every day since. I felt kicked and punched and beatup. Like someone reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. I remember the nightmare started at exactly 5:09am. I remember holding Matteo and screaming that he was gone and dead and to call 911. I remember Dan telling me to give Matteo to him so he could do CPR as he had 911 on the line... and me not giving Matteo to him because I knew... we both knew... Matteo had been dead for hours. He was gone. And, we both knew it. But Dan still tried. I remember having false hope that it would work and Matteo would come back to life. I remember calling my parents right after I handed Matteo to Dan... and screaming to my mom "Matteo's dead!" in shock... and my mom saying "WHAT?!" and not believing what she was hearing. I remember Gabby watching and listening to all of this and not fully understanding what was happening. I remember Rocco stuck in his crib crying while we were all frantic. I remember hyperventilating when the paramedics arrived and were working on him. I remember the police taking my kids to our neighbors across the street, while I sat there holding my dead baby. I remember Dan being in complete shock... not really believing what was happening.

I remember feeling complete failure and defeat... and that life had just kicked my ass.

Planning a funeral, seeing your child in a casket, witnessing your child being cremated and seeing them put his body into that unforgiving machine, smelling the clothes that he was dressed in for his funeral... I know what death "smells" like. And, it's awful. Having to go through all of your child's things... used clothes, shoes, blankets, unused clothes... and put them into a box. A stupid box... I remember sobbing and crying my heart out at having to do all of these things. I remember holding all of Matteo's *things* as if they were priceless treasures, and inspecting them endlessly, so as not to forget certain memories. I remember spending hours and hours looking at his eyes in different photos as if to get some sort of clue as to why he died.

I remember being so angry... feeling like Matteo was cheated out of life. Why Matteo? I was and still am so incredibly hurt.

I remember feeling completely lost that day... like I wanted to die just so I could be with him and know where he was, that he was ok, that he was safe and not scared.

I don't remember who took care of my family the week Matteo died.... maybe for two weeks. I know my family and friends did most of it as I was completely lost in grief. It consumed me. Grief and planning a funeral became my life that week. And, I honestly don't even remember the second week... just the day we went to witness his cremation. And, I have horrible, vivid memories about that day.

I remember being consumed with trying to figure out what I did wrong. How did I fail as a mom? How could I have let my sweet baby boy die... in his sleep... all by himself. How the hell could I have just let that happen, without even knowing. My poor little dude... was he scared? Did it hurt him? Did he know he was about to leave us?

I remember having no desire to do anything. I just wanted to sit there.... read letters and emails from people, and just look at Matteo's photos and watch his videos.

I remember looking into human cloning and having serious hopes for a few minutes... and then being disappointed.

I remember countless phone discussions with the coroner and other medical experts... trying to find an answer as to why Matteo died. Only to be told 4+ months later that his cause of death was "unknown". I remember being angry and frustrated. What if it would happen again... to one of my other kids?

I remember *softening* every single blog post about Matteo and "how we were doing"... because I didn't want people to really know how angry and sad and hurt I was. And, I also felt that people wouldn't really want to know how I truly felt... because I was, and sometimes still can be, in a very awful place.

I remember how Matteo's death impacted every single relationship I had. It impacted relationships with family members, friends and neighbors. Some were strengthened immeasureably... and some were just different and uncomfortable.

I learned so much about friendships and the people I call my friends. I have the world's most amazing, thoughtful friends. Some people I have never even met in-person have become such amazing friends to me.

I remember trying to be strong at Matteo's funeral... for other people. I remember feeling like our family was so incomplete that entire week because Matteo wasn't physically with us... but when I saw his body in the casket at the church, I was almost thankful just to see his body again... even though it didn't look like him, to me, anymore... because I sort of felt like we were all together again. Or, maybe it was my way of pretending. Or hoping. That maybe things were back to normal. I don't know.

Dan and I are both still in awe and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and support we've received over the past year. We continue to be so appreciative of every single card, letter, email, text message, and phone call/message. I often find myself gravitating towards those notes and messages when I have a tough day. We are still so thankful for the outpouring of support from people who took the time to make us dinners, bring food, order takeout meals for us, etc. Had it not been for those meals... we probably wouldn't have eaten for weeks. We continue to be overwhelmed with the the love and generousity shown by those who send us flowers, books, balloons, plants, and other gifts. And, we remember every single person who dropped everything in their life to be here to support us on the days surrounding Matteo's funeral.

The past 364 days have been the most difficult of my life. So... on this day and every day, we're remembering Matteo. We continue to love him with all our heart and we miss him beyond words.

I have chosen to share his life in photos with you here: http://vimeo.com/12997105

PS: I'm so thankful to my dear friends/coworkers who took time out of their lives to put this video together for us last year for Matteo's funeral. This video includes a lot of the still photos from Matteo's life. They created another with both still photos and videos. And, another video from the Memorial Service/Funeral.