Our family spent the Thanksgiving holiday this year in a new home. In years past, we have always enjoyed the holiday with our CA family. So, we were definitely missing them this year!
Instead we spent the holiday with wonderful, longtime friends of ours, Christina and Taylor and their darling 1.5 year old twins. Good friends, laughing kids, a full table and lots of food and drink made for a very nice evening. And, to top it off, we all have a LOT to be thankful for, right?!
Snow was still blanketing the yard making it a winter wonderland outside and a snowman stood watch over the front door. There certainly is something about having snow on the ground that makes you anticipate an evening inside with your family and friends. 
This year I am thankful for my three living, healthy children. I’m thankful for my loving husband and the best daddy in the world. I’m thankful for the good health of myself, my family and my friends. I’m thankful for the roof over our heads and our jobs. I’m thankful for the things I've experienced and have seen in this life. I'm thankful for all of the people who have reached out to us in so many different ways over the past 17 months. And last but not least, I’m so incredibly thankful for having been able to be Matteo’s mommy, and having known him for the 18 short months of his life.
And just like that… I’m not sure I really like Thanksgiving anymore. No mother should have to say “I’m thankful for having known my child for 18 months”, or 18 years for that matter. I hate that I'm a mommy that has to say that. I hate that I lost him. I hate that death entered my home unexpectedly. I hate that I held death in my arms. I hate that it changed my life completely, in every possible way. I hate that my kids lost their brother. I hate that I know this deep, dark thing called "grief" and I hate that I am so sad, so often. I hate that whenever I look at our family photos… I can only seem to focus on what’s missing. I spend so much time thinking about and wondering where Matteo would have been sitting or standing in these photos and what he would have looked like.
He was so cute. So. Cute. Sun-kissed skin. Huge brown eyes. Curls that wouldn’t stop. And, a big, cheeky smile that melted my heart.
It seems to me that when you've lost a child, this time of year burns you the most. It starts around Halloween and continues through the New Year. Days that are supposed to be festive and fun seem to have a sadness strewn about them. I wake up wanting to cry, but I put on my happy mask and do the festive and happy things that I'm supposed to do so my kids and family feel happy and get in the festive mood for the respective holiday. Meanwhile... my heart continues to ache with sadness. Always missing my handsome, curly haired, forever 33inches and 28lb little dude.
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3 comments:
I am amazed at your strength. Your honesty about your loss of Matteo is so important to share with others, but must be very painful. Just know that there are so many people who care about you & your family & pray for you.
Love you, Jodi. I think of you and your family constantly during this time of the year. You are so blessed and yet had so much taken from you as well. I pray that you are able to enjoy the holidays surrounded by those who love you and that you know there are people from all over praying for you! You are a pillar of strength and a wonderful momma!
Oh, my goodness, yes, Jodi. I was just about to drop a note on your FB wall telling you that I was thinking about you and then realized I hadn't checked in on the blog in a few days. And all I can say is that I can just feel your pain so much and am just so sorry that we have to put on our happy faces now instead of actually having happy faces. Sending love and peace, my friend.
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