While on my run tonight, it hit me that Marco is 17 months, 26 days old today.
To most people, that wouldn't be something worth noting. But, it is to me... because that is one day longer that Matteo lived. His lifespan was a much too short 17 months and 25 days, before tragically dying while sleeping in his crib.
I cross this age with Marco, thankful that he is still alive and hasn't died in his sleep. That may sound incredibly insane and crazy. But, I can't possibly describe how real of a fear this was/is for me every night. For the longest time after Matteo died, I thought Gabby and Rocco were going to stop breathing in their sleep too and I could not sleep at night. Then, the trauma was sort of heightened when Giuliana arrived. I never slept well. Sometimes, I would check on her a dozen times during the night. Same thing with Marco. Now, I feel a little more in the *safe* zone... but also know that is still a concern as children have been known to die in their sleep (for no apparent reason) up to age 3. My confidence as a parent is also slowly and surely building back up. Because let me tell you... your child dies, and their is no greater guilt you could ever feel in your lifetime. Everyone I know has tried to reassure me there is nothing we could have done to change things. God, himself, could tell me that I did nothing wrong and couldn't have prevented in any possible way... but it doesn't change the way I feel. I was his mommy... he should not have died.
I think about him constantly. The kids think/talk about him every day. And, we all have our sad moments and big cries.
It seems that after a child dies, there are many milestones. One might think the milestones are the obvious... like the anniversary of their death, or their birthday. And, while those are significant milestones... some of the not so obvious dates or life events can be the ones to sting and hurt the most.
Not being able to send him off to kindergarten with Rocco this year was immensely painful...even after 4 years have passed. At times, I still wonder (and maybe wish) what trouble the twins would be getting into together these days. I miss that kid so much, every single minute.
I always wonder how different life would be if he were still here with us. I know it would be incredibly different... and I guess that was just a journey our lives were not meant to take.
Life is truly so short. Spend it with the people you love and care about. Don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges or let anger waste away at you. Support your friends and family through the good and bad, and celebrate the people you love...their accomplishments great and small.
I remind myself constantly that I won't live forever. Ever since Matteo died, I can never really plan anything *forever*, or for example, think that we'll be settled in one home for the rest of our lives. You see... we experienced what I think is the worst kind of life tragedy... and I know all too well that nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just can't expect to be here on this planet for any length of time. You can hope... but there are no guarantees.
So, we all need to try to make every day count! :)
To most people, that wouldn't be something worth noting. But, it is to me... because that is one day longer that Matteo lived. His lifespan was a much too short 17 months and 25 days, before tragically dying while sleeping in his crib.
I cross this age with Marco, thankful that he is still alive and hasn't died in his sleep. That may sound incredibly insane and crazy. But, I can't possibly describe how real of a fear this was/is for me every night. For the longest time after Matteo died, I thought Gabby and Rocco were going to stop breathing in their sleep too and I could not sleep at night. Then, the trauma was sort of heightened when Giuliana arrived. I never slept well. Sometimes, I would check on her a dozen times during the night. Same thing with Marco. Now, I feel a little more in the *safe* zone... but also know that is still a concern as children have been known to die in their sleep (for no apparent reason) up to age 3. My confidence as a parent is also slowly and surely building back up. Because let me tell you... your child dies, and their is no greater guilt you could ever feel in your lifetime. Everyone I know has tried to reassure me there is nothing we could have done to change things. God, himself, could tell me that I did nothing wrong and couldn't have prevented in any possible way... but it doesn't change the way I feel. I was his mommy... he should not have died.
I think about him constantly. The kids think/talk about him every day. And, we all have our sad moments and big cries.
It seems that after a child dies, there are many milestones. One might think the milestones are the obvious... like the anniversary of their death, or their birthday. And, while those are significant milestones... some of the not so obvious dates or life events can be the ones to sting and hurt the most.
Not being able to send him off to kindergarten with Rocco this year was immensely painful...even after 4 years have passed. At times, I still wonder (and maybe wish) what trouble the twins would be getting into together these days. I miss that kid so much, every single minute.
I always wonder how different life would be if he were still here with us. I know it would be incredibly different... and I guess that was just a journey our lives were not meant to take.
Life is truly so short. Spend it with the people you love and care about. Don't sweat the small stuff, don't hold grudges or let anger waste away at you. Support your friends and family through the good and bad, and celebrate the people you love...their accomplishments great and small.
I remind myself constantly that I won't live forever. Ever since Matteo died, I can never really plan anything *forever*, or for example, think that we'll be settled in one home for the rest of our lives. You see... we experienced what I think is the worst kind of life tragedy... and I know all too well that nothing in life is guaranteed, and you just can't expect to be here on this planet for any length of time. You can hope... but there are no guarantees.
So, we all need to try to make every day count! :)
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