I think I like you already 2014...

For a very long time I haven't been able to say Happy New Year.

For a very long time... I have been held down by the thought of "what's so happy about another fricking year... " because my heart remains heavy with sadness. I miss my little Matteo.

But this year, I decided I am going to say Happy New Year.

It doesn't change the fact that part of me is still grieving...sometimes more than others. But, for me right now... I have decided that no matter what sh*$ you are dealt in life... you get to a point where you have to stop and actually realize what you should and need to be thankful for. You need to recognize that even though you were dealt a sh*% card, you also have been fortunate in other ways.

Often times... it is easy for us to look at others and think "wow... their life is PERFECT" or "they have THE best life"... when in reality, every single one of us faces our own challenges and battles. Some may be worse than others. Some may perceive theirs to be worse than others. Perception is everything and nothing. We all have things we need/should be thankful for. We all have our daily challenges or sh*% cards. It's called life.

So, I am thankful...

2013 moved us back to CA... where I feel closer to what Matteo knew in life. We're closer to family. We're closer to deep-rooted friendships. We're closer to our professional networks. We're closer to fun in every direction.

My husband cooked me an amazing dinner on NYE. He made delicious seared tuna steaks, with a ginger soy chive sauce, and the world's best brussel sprouts. He stayed up with me... just so he could kiss me as the clock turned to12:00am, even though I know he could have easily fallen asleep at 10pm. I am a super lucky wife. He's a good husband. A great dad. He loves me. I love him. We are fortunate.

I woke up to 4 of my beautiful children bouncing in and out of my bedroom and bed the next morning. Sounds of giggles and squeals and laughter... and noise. Hugs and wet, slobbery kisses galore. We might be missing one baby boy... and his loss is so deep I'll never crawl out of the hole. But, we are fortunate. Very fortunate.

I had a big, wonderful breakfast with my family. My healthy family. My healthy, happy family. In our new home in CA. We are fortunate.

My husband has a job. A good job. With great benefits. We are fortunate.

I went for a 8.6 mile run. On a gorgeous, warm and sunny day. I felt the sun kissing my skin. The run was challenging but it felt great. I can run. I can run with minimal pain. I am fortunate.

We invited friends over to join us for champagne and food. It was a fun afternoon of conversation, kids, food and a Vintage 2008 bottle of Dom Perignon champagne. We have amazing friendships... near and far, old and new. Friends that are like family and who have stuck with us through the ups and downs of life. We are incredibly fortunate.

My parents called and left a happy new year message. Yup... we are so, deeply, incredibly fortunate.

I think I like you already 2014.