The Great Tree Hunt!

We went Christmas tree hunting last weekend and had lots of fun! We went to a tree farm, so we actually had to cut the trees down ourselves. And, by we - I mean Dan. And, Daniel did a fabulous job of cutting down our trees.

Yes... trees. Plural. We decided to get two trees.

You see... in California, we would spend $150 for an 8 or 9 foot noble fir the weekend after Thanksgiving. And here, we were able to get two very similar-looking trees (that's code for I can't recall the name of the trees we got) for half the price. Each tree was $35. Total bargain, right?! One of the trees is approx 9 or 10 feet and the other is approx 11 feet. One sits in our entry way and the other sits in our TV/family room that connects to the kitchen.













We don't have a ton of Christmas decorations... so this works out perfectly because the white lights on the trees seems to make the main floor of the house really magical. The kids love it.













Gabby was SO EXCITED to decorate the trees. I think her and Rocco decorated the family room tree (the front, bottom half, of course) in less than 20 minutes.













I'll post photos of the trees in one of my next posts. Until then, here are some photos from our tree hunting experience.

Giving Thanks

Our family spent the Thanksgiving holiday this year in a new home. In years past, we have always enjoyed the holiday with our CA family. So, we were definitely missing them this year!

Instead we spent the holiday with wonderful, longtime friends of ours, Christina and Taylor and their darling 1.5 year old twins. Good friends, laughing kids, a full table and lots of food and drink made for a very nice evening. And, to top it off, we all have a LOT to be thankful for, right?!

Snow was still blanketing the yard making it a winter wonderland outside and a snowman stood watch over the front door. There certainly is something about having snow on the ground that makes you anticipate an evening inside with your family and friends.

This year I am thankful for my three living, healthy children. I’m thankful for my loving husband and the best daddy in the world. I’m thankful for the good health of myself, my family and my friends. I’m thankful for the roof over our heads and our jobs. I’m thankful for the things I've experienced and have seen in this life. I'm thankful for all of the people who have reached out to us in so many different ways over the past 17 months. And last but not least, I’m so incredibly thankful for having been able to be Matteo’s mommy, and having known him for the 18 short months of his life.

And just like that… I’m not sure I really like Thanksgiving anymore. No mother should have to say “I’m thankful for having known my child for 18 months”, or 18 years for that matter. I hate that I'm a mommy that has to say that. I hate that I lost him. I hate that death entered my home unexpectedly. I hate that I held death in my arms. I hate that it changed my life completely, in every possible way. I hate that my kids lost their brother. I hate that I know this deep, dark thing called "grief" and I hate that I am so sad, so often. I hate that whenever I look at our family photos… I can only seem to focus on what’s missing. I spend so much time thinking about and wondering where Matteo would have been sitting or standing in these photos and what he would have looked like.

He was so cute. So. Cute. Sun-kissed skin. Huge brown eyes. Curls that wouldn’t stop. And, a big, cheeky smile that melted my heart.

It seems to me that when you've lost a child, this time of year burns you the most. It starts around Halloween and continues through the New Year. Days that are supposed to be festive and fun seem to have a sadness strewn about them. I wake up wanting to cry, but I put on my happy mask and do the festive and happy things that I'm supposed to do so my kids and family feel happy and get in the festive mood for the respective holiday. Meanwhile... my heart continues to ache with sadness. Always missing my handsome, curly haired, forever 33inches and 28lb little dude.

Marshmallow World...

It's a marshmallow world in the winter... all the snow comes a tumbling down... la la la la la la, la la la la la la... you wish for it the whole year 'round. (love that song)

My kiddos got to see, touch and play in snow for the first time in their lives this week! It was SO MUCH FUN! The excitement and joy that it brought to the house was... well... awesome, for lack of a better word.

Gabby spent as much time as possible playing out in the snow with Rocco, Maria and when they weren't outside with her, then she was outside with the neighbor girls. She couldn't get enough of it and would start screaming and cheering with delight whenever she saw snow falling from the sky.

You'd have thought there were mountains of snow... because the entire metro area was sort of shut down. But, we only got about 2 inches... and that seemed to be enough because it shut this city down. Schools closed or had delayed starts, no gymnastics classes, etc. SNOW DAYS!

The snow started falling on Sunday... and I asked Dan if he got a snow plow or blower attachment with the tractor mower he recently bought. He looked at me and said "No babe... I bought that leaf blower. It's REALLY powerful." Hmmmm.... SUCH a California boy. This could be a really LONG winter. A leaf blower? Really? HILARIOUS!!!

As it turns out... we didn't need to pull the "leaf blower" out because all the snow started melting on Thanksgiving Day. Thank God.

By mid-day on Friday, this is pretty much all that was left of the snow:

New Home! You can run... but you can't hide.

So... we FINALLY moved into our new home approximately one month ago!!
















Since we moved in, I feel as if almost every waking moment of the day I've been unpacking boxes and organizing "stuff". When not unpacking, I'm still nursing an almost 10 month old, making dinner every night (we've only eaten out once since we moved in), finding a new pediatrician and school for Gabby, twice weekly gymnastics classes, at least 50 visits to Target, hitting the grocery store at least 4 times a week and squeezing in 3-5 mile runs for my sanity.

If I've learned anything in this big move... it's that we have way too much STUFF!! Oh... and that it is a much bigger pain in the butt to finalize a loan than it was 8 years ago.

Only a few things were broken in the move... a glass pitcher, a frame, and of course the new TV that we gifted ourselves with for Christmas last year. Yup... that sort of sucked.

The kids were SO ECSTATIC to finally see and move into their new home. They spent that entire day running through the house screaming with excitement, playing hide and go seek, exploring their new yard, the forest and playhouse behind the house (with real electric lights and everything!), and cheering every time we opened a box with some of their long lost toys or belongings. The kids have truly been enjoying the freedoms that come with living in a house that has a big yard to run and play. They ride their bikes and scooters freely and sometimes for miles every day! They have met 9 new kids in our neighborhood. Two of the girls have become Gabby's newest best friends, and they also play so great with Rocco. And, there is a little boy across the street who plays nicely with all of them as well. And, he has identical twin sisters who are just a few months older than Rocco.

For Dan and I, moving into the new house came with a big sigh of relief. We had been floating for a few months and it was so nice to know that we were on our own turf again and able to once again create some routine and structure in our lives again. We are in love with the house and having a big yard (4.5 acres... ~ 2.5 acres being forest) for the kids to run and play. We have met a lot of the neighbors and they're all so nice and have been very kind and given us warm welcomes. We also were so happy to be reunited with some of our things... like our own bed. It's SO comfy... love it. The best part of being reunited with our stuff though was the feeling that comes along with being oddly close to Matteo again. I love having all of our personal photos decorate the walls of our home... and we have a LOT of beautiful photos of Matteo. And, I love having his urn within our care again, and his precious chest gifted to us by his God parents that neatly stores all of his sweet and short little life's favorite and most memorable possessions. It sits in our new family room, and nicely displays some of our favorite photos of Matteo. Gabby and Rocco gravitate to this often and love to talk about Matteo and look through the priceless items in his chest.

It would have been completely naive of me to have thought for even a moment that moving from our house in CA would take away the pain and loss that one feels constantly throughout the day when you lose a child. But, I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't somewhat hope that it would relieve us of a tiny bit of that pain and constant feeling of loss and emptiness.

While I'm not having to constantly walk past the specific places in our CA house where I held Matteo dead for the first time... or went screaming down the hall, or watched Dan try to do CPR on him, or watched the medics work on him, and where I held him, sobbing and in complete shock, as he lay dead in my arms. I still find myself replaying all of those things a lot every single day. I guess I wished somehow that my mind would stop doing that to some degree.

This big move was to be a fresh start for us. And, in so many ways, it has been. Mostly good, of course! And, we do love it here... it's breathtaking and beautiful. The weather has been great... much cooler than we're used to, but I'll take that over the heat any day! Perfect running weather. But, I still have days where I miss Matteo so much that I feel completely paralyzed by the pain. I hurt so much. I miss him so much. I am so angry that he died and feel as I should have been the one to have prevented it... that somehow, I failed completely on my parental duties the night he died. I sometimes feel like I can't possibly live another day without that little guy.

He would have loved it here... finding and catching caterpillars with Rocco and Gabby. Finding and watching gigantic banana slugs making trails across the driveway, seeing snakes, hearing the coyotes, etc. I wonder sometimes if we've lost his little spirit along the way or if he's followed us... of if he's just taking his own sweet time to show us a strong sign that he's still with us. A few times when I've needed it most here... Matteo's gifted me with a sky full of stars, or at least sightings of his big star in the sky... situated right near the moon.

Is it awful that I still look at what are our current family photos... and I focus on what is missing. I wonder where he would have been standing or what he would have looked like.

I guess it's true what they say... you can run, but you can't hide.

Halloween Fun!

Here are some photos from our first Halloween at our new home. This year, my little ones decided to be Ariel, Batman and a Ladybug.

In years past, our Halloween festivities have always included a trip to a fabulous pumpkin patch that has all the bells and whistles like hay and train rides, corn mazes, fabulous food, music, mountains of pumpkins, and an assortment of other rides, etc. Then, we would have our annual Pumpkin Carving/Spooky Food Potluck/Dan's Birthday Party on the 30th with some of our neighbors and close friends. And then of course, Halloween night means trick-or-treating as long as the little people can stand it.































This year, we were so busy unpacking that our pumpkin patch visit became a last-minute, last ditch effort! So sad! But, we did it anyway. We went on 10/29 and it had rained for a few days before so it was cold and very wet and muddy! ACK! Had we gone even one week earlier, it would have been a much more enjoyable event! Sooo... I think we all jumped out of the car, the kids complained of being cold or stood there frozen like statues... we took a few photos, and threw some pumpkins in a wheelbarrow for Dan to bring to the register while Maria and I ran with the kids back to the warm car! My CA kiddos were literally shocked by the cold. Two weeks later, of course, I bought loads of cold weather gear for the kids.

On 10/30, we had Dan's annual pumpkin carving/birthday bash with some good friends who just happen to live near our new home. The kids first went trick-or-treating in town (which is an annual tradition in our new city), and then everyone came back to our house for pumpkin carving and food. Good times.








Halloween night meant bundling the kiddos up tight (again... missed our warm CA Halloween!) under and over their costumes so they could brave the cold and go trick or treating at the homes in our neighborhood.

Dan and I have decided we officially like Halloween in California much better! ha!

While it was a nice Halloween, it is always difficult not having Matteo with us to celebrate these holidays. He should be here making fun memories too... and while it hurts and stings every single day... holidays seems to accentuate that pain and rip your heart out all over again. I imagine Matteo would have also been some sort of superhero this year... maybe Spiderman.

Ahhhhh... Minnesota!

I am so behind in blog posts... with several in the works. We'll start with the Minnesota trip summary!

Our extended vacation in Minnesota was near perfect. We left during my favorite season... Minnesota is so beautiful in the fall. The weather is perfect for being outside and running... high 70's with cool, crisp air in the morning and evening. And, everywhere you look trees are changing colors creating a really beautiful golden light.

The extended Minnesota trip allowed the kids to spend so much quality time with their grandparents. Time together that I could never put a price on. And, I know Gabby and Rocco will have so many memories from their time there. I really wish Giuliana could remember her time there too... good thing I took video and still photos. Someday I'll have to tell her all about how her and her Papa became best friends.

My parents on the other hand might read this and think to themselves "Yeah... priceless is right. We've been fixing or putting things back together ever since you left." Or, perhaps their memories will mostly be of putting every nick knack that they own up high, or removing tables from rooms, or rearranging their space completely to handle the circus that IS my family. While I think we completely interrupted their lives for much longer than orginally planned, I do think my parents also enjoyed it. A little? Maybe?

We also got to spend lots of time with our MN cousins, see our China cousins, and I got to see and have dinner/lunch dates (without kids!) AND play dates with many wonderful friends of mine from high school, college and my childhood.

Some of the fun stuff we did:
*One trip to the Minnesota Zoo (which is AWESOME!)
* One trip to an apple orchard
* Lots of swimming in the lake
* Lots of boat rides
* Lots of rides on Papa's cool ATV... even driving up & down the street and into the lake
* Numerous trips to the University of Minnesota's Landscape Arboretum (many of these with Gammy to explore the cool stick play structures)
* Gabby & Rocco had two trips to the cinema w/their daddy, seeing "Toy Story III" and "Despicable Me"
* Lots of time spent playing and having family dinners with our MN cousins. Lots of dress up, building forts, swimming, jumping on the trampoline, playing music, and putting shows together.
* One special day spent with our cousins who live in Shanghai (just happened to fly through MN a few days after we arrived).
* Lots of story time with Gammy
* Uncle Dave brought his RC plane out so he could fly it for Rocco. Rox thought this was SO COOL!
* Lots of play dates with my friend's children
* Weekly trips to Open Gym @ the local gymnastics academy
* Gymnastics classes (for both Gabby & Rocco)
* Gabby went to her first play with Gammy, Papa and two cousins to see "The 1,000 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins"
* One trip to the ER for Rocco. Rocco thought it would be a great idea one day to essentially climb the Empire State building to get to the vitamin cupboard. Long story short, he was fine. Not even sure he actually swallowed any vitamins or not. The vitamins he reached were thankfully, non-toxic. But, we brought him in just to make sure he was ok and wouldn't need further action.
* One trip to the ER for Gammy. Gammy broke her foot on the last day we were there because she stepped on a toy at the bottom of the stairs. ACK! I felt and still feel AWFUL about this!
* McDonald's for dinner. This might not sound interesting, but my kids didn't even know what McDonald's was last winter. By Spring, Dan had taken Gabby on two occasions because he thought it was odd she didn't know what it was. Rocco had never eaten McDonald's before Minnesota. Gabby prefers the chicken nuggets (made from every part of the chicken and over processed and then filled with flavoring... yum... sounds delish, right?! YUK!). Rocco prefers the cheeseburger (is there really meat in it?).
* Helped uncle Dave celebrate his 40th birthday... this included singing Happy Birthday to him about 20 times.


Some of the funnier and more memorable moments include:
* Rocco asking every day "Can I see your big planes, papa?"

* Gabby helping me sort through my mom's closet. We were getting rid of a lot of her clothes... and Gabby said "Well Gammy... your legs are still good. You can keep your legs."

* At dinner one night, after we were in Minnesota for 2 or 3 weeks, Gabby said to Gammy and Papa "So, how long are you planning on staying here?" (guess she got to thinking it was OUR house! ha!)

* Gammy teaching Giuliana to accept and eat jarred baby foods.

* Giuliana developed so much while we were there! Not only did she learn to crawl while we were there, but she also learned to pull herself up to a standing position. Such a strong girl! She also said her first "Hi!" and did her first clapping while in Minnesota.

* Gabby made several *MN best friends* - Ava, Abby and Becca.

Pictures to come - hope to post tomorrow!

Rocco Bocko Update

Rocco has changed so much in the past year... so many things have happened and he has weathered a storm most children never have to face.

This child melts my heart! He has me completely wrapped around his darling little fingers. I am so proud and completely in love with him.

So, here's a little update on Rocco:
Favorite food: Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with Oscar Meyer hot dogs. He will often request this for breakfast and eat the entire package. Oh, and his other favorite food is whatever is on YOUR plate. Seriously, if he sees you eating something... he will climb into your lap and say "Can I have a bite?" This kid eats a LOT of food.

Current favorite toys: Nerf gun, hot wheel cars & trucks, his bike, any type of ball

Favorite books: Any book about trains, airplanes, cars and trucks and "Goodnight, Gorilla!"

Cute words I hope he never says correctly: bamano = banana, bider = spider, booky house = spooky house, juninana = giuliana, capapilar = catapillar, lightny makqueen = Lightning McQueen, alligator = elevator, gray-ma = grandma, kwirl = squirrel, miter circle = motorcycle, gunk = skunk

Sleep patterns: Rocco is our best little sleeper! He'll sleep from 8:45pm'ish to 7:30am'ish. He used to fall asleep within 10 minutes of us putting him in bed and we never had issue of him trying to get out of bed or trying to stall bedtime. However, after having spent the past 3 months sharing a bedroom with his sister, he has learned the wonderful art of delaying bedtime. What a circus! I am SO EXCITED for them to once again have their own bedrooms and for the nightly circus act to be put to a stop. Rocco is also still a GREAT napper. We'll usually nap him around 1pm and he's pretty consistent with napping for at least 2 hours.


















Nick names: Rox, Rocko Bocko, Rocky, Rocquito

Favorite treats: Oreo cookies, Starburst, donut holes,

Best friend: If you ask Rocco who his best friend is, he'll say "Tato". So, while I think Gabby is truly Rocco's best friend, he still also amazingly considers Matteo his best friend too.

First haircut: August 2010 (@ 31 months of age)

Does he remember Matteo? Not 100% sure if or what his memories are of Matteo. He knows who Matteo is... he has no problem identifying Matteo in photos or videos. If you ask Rocco who is brother or twin is, he'll say "Tato". We also talk about Matteo every day so I know it is always a topic that is front-of-mind. For about a month now, he'll often come up to me out of the blue and say "Mommy, Matato just die." He does this most often at bedtime. He knows that when he sees mommy cry, it is because she misses Matteo. He also knows that Matteo has a special star in the sky and that Matteo sits on the moon at night and watches us. Matter of fact the first night we were in Tahoe, we went out to find his star and we could see a million stars. I kid you not. We saw more stars every night in Tahoe than I can ever remember seeing on any given night in my life. It was so beautiful! Anyway, Rocco said "LOOK!! There's a lot of Matteo's up there!" And perhaps there were... perhaps the little guy was surrounding us at one of those times when we needed it most.

Some funny things about Rocco:
When Rocco wants something or wants to show me something, he will physically grab me, and pull me saying "Come here mom... turn THIS way!"

When Rocco wants something, and he wants it now... he'll say "Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I...." until you give it to him or tell him he can have it. VERY persistent, this child.

Lately, if he's upset with me or Dan or even Gabby about something... he'll go up to whoever and say something like "Listen you little man... ". Yes, we are all called "you little man".

When he is mad at you, or upset about a situation he will yell "I NEVER!" And, if he's really mad, he'll yell "I never, never, NEVER!"

Rocco has a serious appetite in the morning. Some of the first words from his mouth every day are "MOM... feed me." Or, "I. NEED. SOME. FOOOOOOOOD." One morning in July while we were staying in Tahoe, I woke up to Rocco yelling from his bedroom "MOOOOOM! I. NEEEEEED. SOME. FOOOOOOD?" followed by a growl.

Funny things he's done in the past 8 months
Missing banana bread: I had just made banana bread and put it on the counter to cool. Two hours later, I couldn't find it anywhere in the kitchen. It seemed very suspicious but I thought Dan had either eaten it or put it somewhere I just hadn't looked. Very odd. Later that afternoon, I was putting toys away in Rocco's room and sure enough... there was the banana bread... under his bed, shoved up against the wall, with huge bites taken out of the center of it.

Screen door tackle: I was on the phone with a friend while we were at the Tahoe rental house. I was watching Rocco press his face up against the screen door and move his hands across the screen. I watched him as he ran away from the screen towards me. Next thing I saw was Rocco running by me at mock speed and he ran right into the screen door, sticking it like he was sacking Tom Brady. I couldn't believe my eyes. Seriously. What on EARTH?! He was fine, of course. The door? Not so much... it flew completely off it's track and we had to replace it. I am still not sure why he did that... maybe he thought it was like a trampoline and he would bounce off. I don't know. Crazy kid.

Ladder jumping: One of the first days we were at my parents house Rocco discovered a ladder standing up in the back yard. (And, yes, this was when my parents were still learning that having my kids in their home was like having 3 monkeys in their house.) My mom looked over and saw that Rocco had climbed to the top of the ladder. She was full of panic and ran over to the bottom of the ladder yelling "Rocco you need to get down." Well... next thing you know, Rocco jumped off the top of the ladder and landed into my mom's unsuspecting arms. Gosh... it's such a funny thing NOW! But honestly, I am still shocked that he didn't flatten her like a pancake when he jumped AND that she actually caught him.

Gun rules: One of Rocco's new favorite toys is a Nerf gun. He kept shooting people with the foam Nerf bullet at my parents house and papa was very worried that he would shoot Giuliana. It doesn't hurt - but we didn't want it to get her in the face. Anyway, Papa told him the rule was that you couldn't shoot people or Papa would take the gun away. Rocco of course had to test this. So, he threatened to shoot Papa, each time Papa saying "Don't do it... I'll take it away." Rocco shot Papa. Papa took the gun away. Rocco cried very, very hard. The next day... Papa put the gun out for Rocco to have again. Rocco was SO happy to see it. My mom and I said "Rocco, now what is the rule with the gun." He stopped, looked at us very seriously and said "Don't. Shoot. The Papa." It was hilarious. We had to tell him... "No, don't shoot people!"

Picking up on girls: Believe it or not, Rocco has pick-up lines. When we were still living in Los Gatos, a few girlfriends were over and they would ask him a question and he would say "I play football all the time." They'd ask him another question and he would say "I throw football really high." or "I throw football really far." This went on and on. He wouldn't answer any of their questions... just kept grinning at them, smiling and talking about football. When they were gone, he said "Mommy... where your friends go?"

Then, when we were in Minnesota, we think he sort of had a thing for his cousin Emily. We were suspect of this when he started following her around and listening to her direction so well. Then, one night when she arrived, Rocco went up to her and said "I sweaty. I went for a run. I got my running shorts on." (while swaying back and forth). At that moment, we knew it was a crush.

Giuliana's 8 Month Update!

Giuliana has changed SO MUCH in the past 2 months!!

* She is crawling EVERYWHERE! She officially started crawling on Monday, 8/23 (7.5 months). On that day she took 4 crawls forward, twice, with no dragging or leaning on anything. Since then, she has been a baby on the move!

* She now LOVES solid foods! Two months ago she was still refusing them completely. Well, now she eats like a queen. Her favorites are squash and sweet potatoes. She does NOT like apples/applesauce. We have to thank Gammy for this, as she is the one who got Giuliana to actually eat solids.

* She is saying "ma ma ma" and "da da", but I'm quite certain she doesn't really know yet what they mean. However, I AM noticing that she's starting to say "ma ma"when she needs me... like when she's hungry or wants to be picked up. Not consistent... but I think she might be getting a hunch that "ma ma" actually means something.

* She is pulling herself up to standing position! Officially started doing this without any support/help from us yesterday (Wed, 9/15). Now, everything is a prop for her to use in standing up and she loves practicing this new trick.

* She spends a LOT of time doing the "downward dog", or "headstands". Seriously. She does this all the time! It looks as if she's prepping to do a front somersault... even standing on her tippy toes. We often tease that she treats her head as a third leg... that's how often she does this. None of my other children did this, so I find it very amusing. She's been doing this for at least a month, if not a bit longer.

* Her papa is her best pal. Seriously... if I am holding her and he walks in the room, she will often start elbowing me and trying to dive out of my arms into his. It's really very cute. I only worry that she is REALLY going to miss him a lot when we move in 10 days. He spends so much time with her, letting her crawl around on the floor, letting her climb him, and making funny noises to make her laugh. She's developed this love for him that is really cute to see.

* She thinks her brother and sister are the funniest people on the planet. She is completely entertained by them. They always make her laugh and smile. She honestly gets sort of needy and fussy when they are not around... probably because she's bored. I guess I can be quite boring. I'll need to work on that.

* Nursing her can be a bit of a circus now... she is very easily distracted. She's often busy trying to simultaneously do a headstand or twist her body WHILE she's nursing. Good times for mommy.

* She has developed a fake cry. It sounds very different from her real cry and she knows it's a tool to get what she wants. It's funny when she does it. And, yes, it usually results with her getting exactly what she wants. What can I say... I'm a sucker for a cute kid.

* Still no teeth! Ack! I keep thinking... "Hmmmmm... she must be waking up in the night because she is teething." And, then I keep waiting for those teeth to appear. And nothing! Gabby had her first teeth at 5.5 months. Rocco had his first tooth at 6.5 months and Matteo cut two teeth just as he hit 7 months. Where are little G's teeth?












* Current hobbies: She loves crawling up and down stairs. She loves to practice her standing (I think scooting is just around the corner). And she LOVES to find tiny things on the floor... and of course, put them into her mouth. Yum. Maybe she just does it for the attention... you know, it does result in me diving at her super-fast to grab all these tiny little particles that she seems to find (but the vacuum cleaner doesn')t.

* Nicknames: Giuls (pronounced "Jewels"), Giulsy (prncd "Jewelsy"), angel, monkey

* She'll get her very first flu vaccine tomorrow, along with the rest of the family.

Giuliana is truly the easiest, best baby. She goes along to all the big kids activities, she rarely cries or fusses and is just a little ball of smiles! The only challenge that Giuliana brings to the table is that she is still waking up to nurse during the night. More details on that in the below post.

****** Photo FYI: The photo of Giuliana in the flowers and the photo of me holding Giuliana were taken by Dana Young. ******

Tired or Off Balance?

We've been bouncing around and essentially living out of our suitcases now for 2.5 months.

It has been a lot of fun... vacationing as a family, exploring different landscapes with the kids, going on new adventures and seeing new things. We've been able to visit with and spend quality time with friends and family that we rarely get to see. I've been able to connect with lifelong friends that I haven't seen for years. Making a million fun memories with Gammy and Papa. And, the kids have been able to make lots of new friends, participate in gymnastics and other activities, do LOTS of swimming, and a million other things that I'll write about in a future post. It feels as if it's been a summer of adventure, reflection, change and new outlooks. We've all truly enjoyed it.

But, it's also been challenging at times too. Not having the comforts and conveniences of our own home or a consistent routine. The kids still stuck on Pacific Time. Living out of suitcases. Wishing we had our baby stuff with us for Giuliana to play with. Often being separated due to daddy's business travel. Trying to help the kids understand the transition phase we've been in. Mommy still emotionally and mentally coping with all the change in the past year... Matteo's death, new job for Dan, sale of home, move to new city, and quitting a full time job I loved. Having a booked social calendar (mostly revolving around the kid's play dates and appointments). Reassuring the kids that they will see all of their toys again, have their own bedrooms, a yard to play in and make lots of new friends. Reminding the kids (and myself) that no matter where we are... Matt will be with us... we have lots of photos, videos and he is always in our heart, on our shoulders he's a special star in the sky and he sits on the moon at night watching the world go 'round. And, we've also tried to be very respectful and helpful in the homes we've been so welcomed into. Lots of adjustment and change... yet... sort of just floating and waiting to move into the new house.

The positives have outweighed the negatives. And, I wouldn't change a thing about how we spent the summer of 2010.

Anyway, I confess... I've been a horrible blogger lately. My kids will someday read this and wonder why there was such a long break in blog posts (please God tell me they'll actually read this someday and that I'm not wasting my time).

I think I'm either extremely and extraordinarily tired lately... or I'm just off balance.

Off balance because of everything mentioned above and the stress of just floating while trying to keep everyone happy. Hopefully, the balance will magically return to me in 10 days when I walk through the doors of our new home. Snap. Back to reality. Ok... we all know that's not going to happen. But, I think it will help once we start establishing our new routine, get settled in the new home and aren't having to deal with the stresses of living like gypsies.

Tired... I'll blame this partly on Giuliana, partly on my need to have an hour of time to just be awake doing my own thing after the kids have gone to bed. But most of the blame will sit with my new companion of the past 14+ months... night fear. Yes. I'm terrified of night time. Night to most people equals sleep. To me, night equals sudden, unexplained child death. It means emergencies. It means prepare as if an emergency is going to happen before you go to bed (know where the phones are, make sure the paths are clear, etc.). Living in my parent's home has helped calm this anxiety in me considerably. Probably because it is only very natural to feel protected when you're with your parents. And, when Dan travels, I feel like I have two more people who can assist me if/when that night emergency occurs. I wonder if my anxiety will go up again when we move or if I've sort of conquered a lot of that. Only time will tell, I guess.

The only difficult thing with Giuliana right now (she's seriously the world's BEST baby!) is that she is still waking up to nurse during the night. I think that is one of the downfalls of choosing to solely nurse your baby. You sort of become a snack bar and/or a pacifier. On a good night, she'll only wake up once or twice to nurse. On a bad night... four or five times. She'll always nurse and go right back to bed. But, it's exhausting if she has several bad nights in a row. It creates a sort of dilemma for the breastfeeding momma.

A dilemma of food source vs. sleep. I sleep trained the twins at 7 months... and after that, they'd wake up once in the middle of the night for a bottle, if at all. And with Gabby, she was also just a breastfed baby. She actually refused the bottle completely. I made the mistake of bringing her into our bed because she also woke up multiple times throughout the night. Bringing her into our bed allowed me to nurse her on demand throughout the night, and not have to get out of bed. At the time, I couldn't deal with a full time job and getting up multiple times throughout the night. I laugh at that now... oh boy... those were the EASY days. Well... 4.5 years later and we still often get a little 4.5 yr old visitor in our bed at some point in the night. Fun. Uh huh. I like the snuggles... but not the feet in the back or face.

After having my own four little experiments, my personal opinion is that bottle fed, sleep trained babies are the easiest path for both momma and baby/ies. And, I totally believe in the benefits of breast milk. But, everything has the positive and a negative, right? If you choose to bottle feed your baby breast milk, then you've got to have the time to pump AND feed the baby. Easy with one. More difficult with two or three. I was able to somehow pump for 6.5 months with the twins and then I just couldn't do it anymore. I was exhausted and had a 2.5 year old to manage as well as a full time job outside the home. So we slowly worked formula into their bottles and they were on 100% formula starting at 7 months. Gabby and Giuliana have both only been fed breastmilk. Both refused formula completely. Giuliana still refuses it... she gags if I try to put it in a sippy cup for her.

So, for Giuliana... I have chosen to just continue nursing her for now and forgo a solid night of sleep. Decisions, decisions.

Well... and I have to admit that it's honestly reassuring to me when she wakes up throughout the night. It's reassuring because then I know she is still alive. I can't possibly explain how strong this fear is inside me that death is just right around the corner and these little ones can just stop breathing in their sleep. Again, we don't know why Matteo died... one theory is that it was an unidentified virus. The other theory is that he died of SIDS (although the coroner wouldn't consider this due to his age and the fact his face was not obstructed). Not knowing the exact cause of death is a nightmare. It creates immense fears within me... fear of germs (yes, you have to wash your hands before you touch my baby). And, a fear of a child that sleeps through the night.

We used to think a sleeping baby was the best thing in the world... don't disturb the sleeping baby, right?! Well, when your child dies in his sleep... you can't help but disturb the sleeping baby and kids. If Giuliana isn't waking up throughout the night, then I am waking up on my own to check her pulse. And, then I check on Gabby and Rocco next. Call me crazy, but I'd rather wake up 10 times a night than have my 8 month old sleep through the night.

So yes... I'm back. Just tired or off balance. Lots of blog posts in the works...