"No Matteo?"

I called to sign the kids up for the spring session of swimming lessons the other day. We've been using the same swim school for over a year now and have been really happy with it.

ME: "I'd like to enroll my kids in swimming lessons."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok, great. What's your last name?"
ME: "Martino"
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok. And, what are the names of the children you'd like to enroll?
ME: "Gabby and Rocco"
SWIM SCHOOL: "No Matteo?"
ME: [silence.... catching my breath] "Ummm... no. No Matteo."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok... blah, blah, blah"

I couldn't hear the rest of the call. I felt like I was kicked in the gut, unexpectedly. The rest of the call, I debated whether I should tell this person that Matteo had died and to remove him from our records. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was talking to a teenager. I didn't want to tell this stranger my child died last summer and to remove him from our records. I didn't want him to say "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and for me to feel compelled to say "Don't worry... you didn't know. It's ok." Because, I wasn't ok... I was still trying to catch my breath.

I hung up the phone and I sobbed. Matteo should be here. And, he should be in swimming lessons with Gabby and Rocco. Why isn’t he here? I SWEAR he was JUST here… where the hell is my third child?! He loved swimming lessons.

Last year at this time, we had all 3 kids enrolled in classes at the same time/night. Gabby was in a class that didn't need a parent. The twins were enrolled in a parent/tot class, so Dan would swim with Rocco and I would swim with Matteo. It was awesome. Gabby was starting to become a little fish. But, it was the first swim class for Rocco and Matteo... and they LOVED it. We couldn't stop Rocco from jumping in and going under water. It was shocking, actually. That child is a fish and has no fear. And, Matteo really liked going underwater too, but not as much as Rocco. So, I selfishly used the class to just snuggle and talk with him in the water and play the water games. I never pushed him or forced him to do more than I felt like he wanted to do on any given day.

Those swimming lessons were some of my favorite memories with him from last spring. Actually, both Dan & I loved it even though it made for a super-crazy week night. We'd finish work, run to swim lessons with 3 kids, pick-up take out on the way home for dinner, throw 3 kids in a bath, and then start the twins bedtime rituals so we could get them down by 8pm. It was crazy. But, it was awesome.

This was also when Matteo started doing his silly *crazy eyes*. His crazy eyes were essentially him giving someone a very stern, mean stare with his eyes, while putting his pouty lips together so he'd look like he was really not happy with whoever was looking at him. The crazy eyes were only given to people who were trying to take Matteo out of my arms, or to people he didn't know that were looking at him when he was in my arms. After he’d give the crazy eyes look… he’d bury his face into my shoulder for a minute or two, and then give the crazy eyes look again, if needed. Unfortunately, the swim instructor got a lot of Matteo's crazy eyes... and I would laugh so hard with the swim instructor. It was so funny and cute!

I of course LOVED that he would hold me so tight when giving out his crazy eyes to people he didn't know. And, I always felt SO loved by him (even though my heart would melt) when he'd give crazy eyes to Dan or to our au pair when I had to hand him over to go to work or help with the other kids.

He was such a little momma's boy. I miss our little dude so much.