Busy Mixed With "Sickies" & Heartache

We have been busy around here. Not only busy with a newborn... but busy trying to get healthy. Again. Yup... we're just recovering from round two of the "sickies" since starting 2010.

Right now, Rocco is recovering from bronchitis & bronchiolitis. Giuliana was diagnosed this week with bronchitis and bronchiolitis. Yes, you can guess who she got it from. Thankfully, Gabby's immune system seems to have crossed that hump and we rarely visit the doctor because of her being sick anymore.

Even though Rocco has been sick, it is much milder than past bouts of bronchitis and it shows in his general mood. Visiting the allergist in December was truly a blessing for that little guy. The daily doses of Nasonex and using the inhaler at the onset of a runny nose, have made SUCH a difference in his health.

In the past two weeks, we've visited the pediatrician 5 times. Sounds bad? Nahhh.... that's nothing. Last year, I think we set a record with 17 peditrician visits in 11 days. Seriously - I'm not kidding. Last winter was so exhausting. It was more exhausting than the sleep deprivation that accompanies a newborn. Seriously. Having more than one child, age 3 or under, sick at the same time is EXHAUSTING. Picture two adults with full-time jobs trying to juggle doctor visits with work schedules and then having every moment of *free time* devoted to trying to soothe or comfort sick kids, running errands, making meals, laundry, picking up prescriptions, getting kids to take medicine, cleaning up puke after child either pukes from said medicine, or pukes because they have so much mucus in their throats that everything comes up when crying, etc.

I vividly recall numerous days last winter where I'd be driving into the office, and trying to keep myself from falling asleep behind the wheel because I hadn't slept a wink the night before. Then, I'd get home and immediately be thrown into child crazyness... crying twins, hungry kiddos, dinner needing to be made, getting my work clothes puked on, etc. The memories are so clear. And, I'd do it all again a million times over if I could have Matteo back.

Not a moment passes without thoughts, visions and memories of Matteo. Today marks the 8 month anniversary of his death. Every month, I find myself looking back at photos and videos, and reading my blog posts from this same time last year. I think about how cheated Matteo was on life. Every month when I look back, I wonder and wish how I would have had clues or hunches that something was going to happen in a few months. I wonder about how I maybe could have prevented his death. It all still makes me physically sick to my stomach.

Even though life was beyond crazy and chaotic... I loved it. I loved every minute of our house filled with crazyness, noise, and not having a moment to breathe. It was our life. We loved it. We were fine with it. There was always so much love... to give AND get.

Life still feels so different and empty... in so many ways. Yes, we have Gabby, Rocco and a new little one who has brought so much joy, wonder and love to our lives. But, Giuliana's arrival and the loss of Matteo are not *things* that can be balanced out. Losing one child and adding another doesn't help. One doesn't replace the other. She's her own, wonderful being... just as Gabby and Rocco are, and just as Matteo was and always will be in our memories.

We're constantly missing this HUGE part of our life... part of who we are. Our hearts are still broken beyond repair. Missing Matteo is indescribeable. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. Nothing can heal the loss of a child. Nothing. I can smile, I can laugh, I can go on living my life... but that pain is ALWAYS there.

Matteo - one year ago:

Cute photos of the kids, exactly one year ago this month:

Here are some very recent photos of the kiddos:

"Matteo's Memories"?

We are nearing a final decision with how we will use the money so generously donated to the Matteo Tate Martino Memorial.

Dan and I have narrowed it down to two ideas, including:
1. Every time we reach a specified dollar amount (for example, $10,000.00), we will donate that money to a children's hospital so they can create a playroom, family room, garden, or play area in Matteo's memory. The idea would be for Matteo's fund to help create happy moments and memories for sick children and their family members.

2. Every year, we would choose a family who has a terminally ill child and we would fund a family vacation and/or a professional photography session (including prints and framed photos from the session) for them. Again, the idea being to create happy moments and memories for a sick child and his/her family members.

I am hoping to start a non-profit organization, perhaps called "Matteo's Memories". Although, I am open to other name ideas... so if you have other ideas - please share them. The hope and goal would then be to organize a yearly fund-raiser for the non-profit (via a walk/run) so we can continue to help other families make happy memories with their child while they are ill or before they have to say good-bye.

Several people have contacted me with interest in helping out with logos, a web site, etc., as well as assisting with the coordination of an annual event to continue raising awareness for and money for the non-profit. Please know I am hoping to get in touch with you in the next month or so. And, if you would like to help - please send an email to jodimartino2002@yahoo.com.

We've been incredibly busy with the arrival of Giuliana. And quite honestly, we're also still trying to figure out how to keep living life without Matteo. That alone sometimes consumes a person. But, it is my hope to get moving on this stuff as soon as possible.

Thank you again for your continued support, love, thoughtfulness, and generosity.

Snow boarding... indoors.

Rocco was watching the Olympics with us the other night. He was SO interested in the snow boarding and downhill skiing. So interested in fact that he walked up close to the TV, moved his body with the athletes as they did their boarding or skiing... and kept saying "Cool!"

The next day, he was demanding to get out into the garage... we finally let him out there and he grabbed his helmet. He came inside, put his helmet on, grabbed his make-shift skateboard (which is really a knee rest I use when bathing the kids). He told us it was his snow board and then he brought a mat over to the sofa to create a ramp and started calling that his *mountain*.

We thought this was pretty funny... clearly he was getting a little Olympic fever!

He's such a funny little guy... and such an athlete. Here's some video footage of Rocco boarding the half pipe.

McHUH?

On one of Gammy's recent visits... she was playing playdough with Gabby and Rocco. Gabby was busy making my mom a playdough burger with her new little burger factory.

Gammy asked Gabby if she was making her a McDonalds burger. Gabby then asked "What is McDonalds?" My mom was stunned and couldn't believe that Gabby didn't know what McDonalds was.

My mom said "Jodi, doesn't Gabby know what McDonalds is?" She couldn't believe it. I told her that I had never taken Gabby to McDonalds - which is true. However, in looking back, I did buy her a happy meal at the Denver airport this past year... but even then, she never *saw* McDonalds because she had been waiting with Dan by the gate.

I didn't think this was strange until I heard how surprised my mom was. I guess it is kind of odd... for an American kid to have never visited McDonalds in her 4 years of life.

Isn't She Lovely...

Isn't she lovely? We are all completely in love with her.

Life has been very busy around here. Busy, but wonderful. Giuliana is SUCH a great baby. So easy! Much easier than a baby with colic (erhm... Gabriella!) and much easier than newborn twins. Sometimes she seems too easy. She's definitely a little gift.

Of course, it is still challenging having a newborn. She got sick 5 days after being born (cold & ear infection). Her days/nights were mixed up for the first 3 weeks but we seem to have straightened that out for the most part. However, last night she wanted to be awake and hang out for 3 hours in the middle of the night. She gets a fussy tummy in the afternoon sometimes. And, evenings seem to be the time where she will show any fussyness, if at all.

Giuliana has had a lot of recent firsts, including the below in no particular order:
1. cold/stuffy nose
2. ear infection
3. walk
4. bath
5. eye infection
6. visit to the mall
7. visit to the doctor's office

Nicknames so far for the little lady include "Giuls" (as in "Jewels") and "Little G".

Rocco continues to be such a sweet big brother. He loves her so much and talks and acts very gentle around her. He loves to hold her and asks by saying "I hold Giuliana?" And, Gabby is still wearing her mommy hat. She has stopped picking outfits for her every day as she realizes that we don't "dress her up" several times throughout the day. But, she has assisted with a diaper change and bottle feeding and is very proud to help whenever possible.

She has Matteo's lips and chin. It's hard not to think about Matteo constantly... especially with this new little life in our hands. He sure would have adored her. And, it breaks our heart that they will have never known each other in this *life*.

Rocco Singing...

This is Rocco's latest cuteness...

Ever since seeing the Tom & Jerry episode where Jerry's little Mexican mouse buddy is singing with his guitar, Rocco has been grabbing one of his bats and singing to us at least once a day. It sounds like the mouse is singing "Ahhhhh hambone". So, Rocco's interpretation is "Hammer... hammer.... ohhhhh hammer."

It's crazy cute. And, this is not the best of the best... it's just what I have been lucky enough to record so far!

Heaven sent...

The night before Rocco & Matteo's second birthday, I had a little talk with Matt as I do every night. I knew the next day was going to be difficult. I knew that as much as I wanted to celebrate and have fun with Rocco on his second birthday, that it would be painfully obvious Matteo was not with us. And, he should have been... and that hurts bad. Every child should be able to blow out candles on their 2nd birthday cake and he wasn't going to be able to do that... ever.












Anyway, I told Matt that his mommy REALLY needed a sign that he's still here with us. And I asked him to prove to us in some way or another that he would be with us on his second birthday.

As it turns out, Matteo decided to give us a very strong sign that he is truly still with us. Heaven sent us a VERY special, 8lb 10oz, 20.5 inch delivery... Giuliana Bella Faith Martino.

Giuliana is perfect in every possible way and we could not be more thrilled to finally hold her in our arms, hug her and love her. She has long, jet black hair... almost an inch long in places. Her fingers and toes are long and lady-like. And her skin has a beautiful color to it.

Giuliana's arrival certainly changed the plans on Rocco's big day!

I woke up Sunday morning around 4am... not able to sleep. I didn't think anything of it since I woke up on Saturday at the same time and could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens, I just lay in bed thinking about Matteo until Rocco wakes up.

Around 5am, I started cramping and I decided to wake Dan up around 6am to tell him that Surprisabella was on her way. Dan got up, ready and asked when we were leaving for the hospital... all within 15 minutes. I looked at him and said "We can't leave yet! We have to sing Happy Birthday to Rocco... and have cake... and open his presents!" I think Dan thought I was a little crazy, but he went along with it.

We had made 3 big breakfast casseroles the night before for Rocco's 10:30am birthday party... and I decided we might as well put them in the oven. They'd certainly get eaten this week! Then, I packed a bag for the hospital, cleaned up the kitchen and our bedroom a bit, put toys away, and sent a note to our birthday party friends telling them Rocco's party would be postponed due to Surprisabella. When Gabby woke up we told her about the change in plans for the day and she was ecstatic and so excited to soon get to meet her baby sister, but she too felt bad for Rocco that his party was being delayed. So we sang happy birthday to Rocco, opened presents, and ate cake and egg bake for breakfast.

Somewhere in there, Dan had the car running for a half hour. Not because it was cold outside, but because he kept thinking we were on the verge of leaving. Apparently, I kept delaying our departure. Finally, he turned it off and looked at me like I was crazy. The contractions eventually got more painful and close (every 6-7 mins apart), so I said goodbye to the kiddos and my mom.

We were checked into our room at 12noon. Time was passed managing my contractions and sharing our story with the nurses and doctors. Dan would tell them how this baby would share a birthday with her older twin brothers, and that talk would of course lead to how Matteo had died just a short 6 months earlier, 5 days shy of 18 months. As we approached 3pm, the contractions were getting more painful. And, at 3:30pm, I finally decided to get my epidural. I was dilated to 6 and we expected the baby to come in a few hours.

Shortly after getting the epidural, I felt like it wasn’t working. The pain was still really bad. A few minutes later, my nurse left the room to find the anesthesiologist to help troubleshoot my epidural. Two minutes later, I felt extreme pain. I started crying and told Dan I thought the baby was coming. The pain was so immense, but I felt like I needed to push. I told him to run out and grab someone. Dan ran into the hall and yelled “the baby’s coming!”. Three seconds later, the room was flooded with nurses and doctors. Sure enough, I had dilated to 10 in record speed. While they were preparing, they asked me not to push yet, but I couldn’t help it – I was pushing. The baby’s head was coming out. Just as the baby’s head popped out the anesthesiologist was able to give me more of the epidural drug and I could feel it shoot through my left leg making it extremely numb (stayed numb for almost 3 days!). Surpriseabella came out at 4:15pm in just 4 pushes. The second she came out – I cried. She was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. She even had a bright red birthmark on her right hand that looked like a kiss. We are sure Matteo kissed her before she entered our world.

To say the day was an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. To think that two years ago that same day, we welcomed our beautiful twin baby boys into the world. And exactly two years later we're back in L&D bringing another little surprise life into the world... only, as parents who had experienced the worst possible parenting nightmare and whose hearts would forever be broken beyond repair.

I cried a lot that day. Our story made the nurses and doctors tear up. And, I felt bad for Dan because he just tried to stay strong for me.

Our sweet little Giuliana was an absolute gift on this emotional day. She was truly Heaven sent... and the most precious of signs we could have received from Matt.

Gabby has had her mommy hat on since the moment we arrived home and constantly wants to hold Giuliana, touch her and change her outfits. Rocco looks at Giuliana with wonder, touches her tenderly and gets a big smile and says "Loooook, baby!" or "Drinky booby!" (lovely, I know!) each time he sees her... just depends on what he sees her doing.

We truly adore our little Giuliana, love her more than words could ever explain, and are completely focused on taking in all of life's precious moments with these beautiful children.

Happy 2nd Birthday Rocco & Angel Matteo!

We celebrated the day Rocco and Matteo were born last weekend. Only, Matteo was not here with us… he’s in Heaven. And, our plans for the day changed in a very significant way.

Usually you look forward to your children’s birthday parties. But, when your child dies young… his birthday is a huge hurdle. It numbs you. It stabs you in the heart. And, it is another painful reminder of the little person you miss so much, everything he’s missing out on in life, and that your heart will never recover the loss.

And, when you are the parents of a child whose twin brother died six months earlier… you can’t help but feel compelled to give him the world, love him even more and still make sure his birthday is beyond special and memorable for him. You feel so bad that he no longer has his twin to share “their” special day together. But, you still want him to feel like it’s a day of celebration… and that while it’s ok to be sad, that their birthday was and always will be a very special day to us. Two years ago... that day was filled with so much anticipation and joy. It was one of the happiest days of our life. And, that’s how we will always remember it.

So, we planned a party for Rocco. We invited a handful of little people who have been buddies with him and Matteo over the past two years. We ordered a Thomas the Train Cake for him and a small ice cream cake for our Angel Matt. We ordered two dozen balloons. One dozen for Rocco - because he is a balloon freak! And one dozen for Matteo so we could have each child at the party release a balloon at the party to Matt up in Heaven.

We spent an afternoon a full evening cooking and prepping for the birthday party. I was exhausted, VERY pregnant, and full of emotions. So, I decided to have my nightly talk with Matt and tell him everything I was feeling. I cried and told him I really needed another sign from him that he was still with us and I especially wanted to know somehow that he would be a part of our day on his second birthday.

On birthday morning, Matteo gave us the strongest of signs and sent us a very special delivery… straight from Heaven. The delivery was special enough to change our entire course of plans for the day.

But – we DID celebrate Rocco and Matt’s birthday. Not with the party we had planned… unfortunately, that had to be postponed. But, we celebrated as a family.

We sang Happy Birthday and blew out candles on Matteo’s ice cream cake 3 times. Yes – THREE times. Gabby blew them out the first time. Rocco blew the candles out the second time… and then he had to do it again for good measure. OR perhaps, he blew them out a second time for his twin brother up in Heaven.

Rocco and Gabby opened presents, ate lots of cake for breakfast and also had some of the special birthday cookie bouquet that two of my dear friends sent us (so cute!). It made for a fun, spontaneous birthday morning. And, he didn’t really realize his birthday party had been postponed.

His favorite gifts from the family were his new "Cars" bike with training wheels and his Home Depot tool workbench and tools.

Mommy and daddy can’t wait to throw him his REAL birthday party and have him blow out the candles on his Thomas the Train cake (we had to cancel the cake order the morning of his birthday!).

Rocco is such a wonderful, funny and strong kid! We absolutely love and adore him beyond words. He is all boy… curious, strong, athletic, funny, and full of adventure. But, he’s got this soft side that melts his mommy’s heart. He’s a great snuggler, begs with “Pllllleeeeeeeaassssseeee momma!”, and is constantly making us laugh.

Rocco has also grown a TON in the past 6 months. His official 2 year stats from the doctor's office are:

Height: 35 5/8 inches (80th %ile)

Weight: 31 lbs (75th %ile)

While this second birthday was a very difficult day… we do hold beautiful memories in our heart from Rocco and Matteo’s first birthday.

Dear Angle Matteo: I hope they had a special cake and lots of balloons up in Heaven for you today. I hope you got to open lots of presents. I hope you had a huge smile on your face all day and laughed a LOT. I hope you ate lots of cake for breakfast like we did, and that you played with all of your new little angel friends. I hope you felt our love and know that we thought about you all day, as we do every day.

Notes to Matteo

On the six month anniversary of Matteo's death... we sent him some special notes.

Some very thoughtful friends prompted this 6 month balloon release. I don't think I would have ever thought of doing this on my own at this point in time... mostly because the past few weeks have been incredibly difficult with the holidays and the other impending hurdles like Rocco and Matt's 2nd birthday, and the arrival of baby Surprisabella. Life has sort of been a bit of an emotional roller coaster... for 6 months now, actually.

A dozen balloons and notecards were delivered to our door... anchored by a beautiful angel statue. Dan and I wrote our own notes to Matteo. Gabby colored on two notes, signed her name and told me what her message was to Matteo. I also asked Rocco what he wanted to tell his twin brother and wrote what he said on two more note cards.

We gave the balloons to the kids and they released them off to Matt in Heaven. We told them that when we couldn't see the balloons anymore, that Matteo had pulled them through his special window in the sky into Heaven.

6 months

I’m not going to sugar coat this.

I’m not going to say that six months after one of your 18 month old twin boys dies… it’s any easier to live with or understand. Because quite frankly – it’s not. It’s not any easier. It’s just more real.

It still sucks beyond belief. The pain is still physical… it either takes my breath away or makes me feel sick to my stomach. It still hurts more than words can describe. And, I still think about him every minute of every day.

In the past six months, we’ve had to cross a lot of hurdles:
* We had to plan a funeral for one of our three precious children.
* We saw our sweet, precious baby boy lying in a casket. Dead.
* I lifted up his shirt to try and see his tummy… and it was covered in bandages and a plastic-wrap-type covering because I’m sure they cut the crap out of him to get tissue samples so they could try and figure out why he died. I also saw the cut across the back of his skull… all stitched up, which I’m sure they wouldn’t have expected me to find. But, I did.
* Dan & I stood, sobbing… and witnessed our son being cremated.
* We received his ashes… in a box. Now he sits in our home… in that box. And that is supposed to be comforting on some level. Right.
* We’ve had to explain numerous times to a now 4 year old where her other baby brother was and that no matter how hard she wished, he wouldn’t come back to life in time for her birthday party.
* We had to learn how to help Matt’s twin brother, Rocco, get past the shock of losing his twin… and at the same time, watch Rocco learn to live life and go on playing… but alone. That is STILL difficult. Seeing Rocco go off by himself in a wagon made for two still rips my heart out.
* We had to take down a crib and put an extra high chair in storage.
* I had to put all of Matt’s stuff… everything from artwork, to sneakers, to first clothes he wore or personalized clothing, towels, etc…. stuff that special to just him… in a box. A stupid, lame, plastic box. And, then, a few months later… I was able to move that stuff to a beautiful chest that his godparents gifted him/us with. All my precious baby’s things – in a box. Forever.
* I went back to work at one of the nation’s top children’s hospitals where miracles happen daily… after my own, perfectly healthy child died of an unknown cause.
* Rocco being admitted to the hospital after having an oddly similar fever to what Matteo had for the 30 hours before he died, ten weeks after Matteo’s death.
* We learned that the coroner could not determine a cause of death. A definite knife to my heart.
* We received our 18 month old son’s death certificate. Something no parent should ever receive.
* We lived through holidays that we celebrated and enjoyed as a family of 5 last year… as a family of 4 this year. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas were quite lonely.
* We welcomed in a New Year… with a lot of tears. All I could think about was turning back the clock.

Some of the things that HAVE changed since Matteo died, are:
* His twin brother Rocco is developmentally in an entirely different place than he was 6 months ago. He won’t carry memories of Matteo or having a brother and that kills me. But, he can point to Matteo’s photos which we have up everywhere. And lately… he will confuse photos of Matt with himself.
* Story time with the kids no longer involves one child sitting in my lap… instead, one is on my right and one is on my left.
* My first thought/hope when looking out my front door is no longer that someone will be bringing Matt back to me… that he wasn’t just “taken” from me and someone is supposed to bring him back. I know he’s dead. Painfully so. * Bath time is sadly much quieter and less crazy.
* Gabby & Rocco have both grown a ton. It makes me wonder how much bigger Matt would be now and how different he would look.
* No more twos of everything, from high chairs and cribs… to boy shirts, pants and shoes.
* I no longer repeatedly look at the baby monitor waiting to hear Matteo's voice crying or his happy little "mamamama" after waking up. Rocco was usually the first to wake... so you'd always wait for Matteo. You'd wait to hear him call for you next. And, I think I was the only one who could ALWAYS tell without error until the day Matt died, which baby was crying. It's a mommy thing, I guess.
* I’m hugely pregnant. 39 weeks pregnant. So, wherever I go… strangers are constantly asking if this is my first child, and then how many times I’ve been pregnant and/or which number child this will be, and then “oh – you had twins… how old are they now?” I kid you not – I get this question at LEAST once a day. Only, most days… I’m better at answering all the questions now than I was a few months ago. Less tears.

Some things that haven’t changed:
* Every time I walk by or into the twin’s bedroom… my heart stops and I think of Matteo.
* Gabby still frequently asks why Matteo died and I continue to not have a perfect answer for her.
* Every time I walk through our bedroom door, I think about the moment Dan handed me my dead baby and the look on his face. Seriously. Every single f*&$ing time.
* Gabby telling me that if she gets sick, she’ll “fight real hard to kick the sickies out so she doesn’t die like Matatoe”.
* I still ask “Why Matteo?”
* I think of Matt every time I look at the sofa where I held him tight, crying, trying to keep him warm even though he was dead… before they made us leave the house that morning so they could take him from us.
* I think of Matt every time I walk over the tile floor where Dan tried doing CPR on him… even though we both knew he had been dead for hours.
* My heart aches now more than ever for Rocco that he probably won't ever know or remember all the fun he had with his twin and best friend. They were the perfect duo!
* It is also painful to know that Gabby remembers her little brother and has specific memories. That she doesn't truly understand death yet. And, that she misses him so very much, and doesn't understand why he can't be here still or why he won't just come back to us.
* If Dan or I discipline Gabby or Rocco for doing something dangerous that they could get hurt from doing… the first thing Gabby will say is “Will we die like Matatoe?”
* I check on Gabby & Rocco constantly throughout the night to make sure they are still breathing. Seriously. Probably every 2-3 hours.
* Gabby constantly asking “Will Matteo always be small? Will he never grow again? Why?”
* I replay that dreadful morning over in my head… a lot. Depends on the day as to how many times it replays. The foggy chaos of that morning is still incredibly heavy on my heart.
* I still wish with all my heart that I could turn back time and do anything… ANYTHING… to have prevented Matt’s death. Sometimes I feel such a heavy guilt come over me… it can be completely overwhelming. I feel like I should have known something was different, or I should have done this or that. And, now I can’t do anything… because he’s gone. Forever.
* I still wish with all my heart we would have an answer as to why he died.
* I still hate hearing people say “He’s home now… with God.” Not many people say this. And, I know they have good intentions in saying it. But, honestly – it makes me angry. This was his home… here with us. And, WE were his family.

And now we have two more big hurdles to cross in the next week or so.

We will be celebrating Rocco and Matteo’s 2nd Birthday this weekend. Only, Matt won’t be here and it will be painfully obvious.

And, hopefully sooner rather than later we’ll be welcoming our new baby girl. Only, Matt won’t be here to welcome her with us. We’ll never get to see him interact with her – and he loved babies. LOVED them. He would get down on his hands and knees and just stare at babies and he would coo at them and touch their little faces ever so gently. We got to see him do this to a little baby boy just one week before he died. We were so certain he was going to be the most perfect, little, big brother ever.

Sometimes, I just need to share it as it is… this is our reality.