His Blanket...

Today was another difficult day.

We were finally able to get back all the items that were in Matteo's crib with him the night he died in his sleep. It has been almost 5 months.

The most important item to me was his blanket. It was a blanket that my mom had made for him. She made one for Gabby when she was little. And, she made one for both Rocco and Matteo. Matteo's is a big blue, baseball-patterned, fleece blanket with little tails bordering all the edges. Since receiving the blankets, both boys got into a routine of going to bed with them every night. By spring, they would request them before bedtime and would always have them while snuggling on the sofa. Rocco & Matt always loved playing with the little tails. Rocco is super attached to his - it's really cute. I can only imagine Matteo would have continued being attached to his as well.

It is a very difficult thing... getting your child's personal articles back. In a way... it just brings you back to square one. Rips open the wounds. Kicks you in the gut. Again. Your child died. He DIED. You still can't really even believe it. And, you miss him now more than ever.

To think that his stuff... has been sitting somewhere, other than our home where it belongs is annoying. It makes you angry and sad. Don't they KNOW that we have been waiting for this stuff to be returned to us? If only they could understand how much these things mean to us.

I opened up the gigantic bag. Then, I opened each individual bag... one with his big black bear... one with his puppy dog... one with his crib sheet... one with the last bottle he drank from... one with the bottle of Tylenol that we used the last day of his life... one with a towel, labeled "biohazard, do not open" (not even sure what was on that towel... it was one of our dish towels... perhaps they used it to wipe up some of the vomit that came up when doing CPR on Matt)... and then I opened the bag with his blanket.

The blanket. Just seeing the blanket opened the flood gates. I couldn't help but sob. Thankfully, Dan was there to hold me. Instantly... my mind flashed back to that last night I put Matteo down to sleep. I snuggled him in the rocking chair with his blanket and his milk... knowing he was sick and not feeling like himself. Knowing he was so tired. Thinking and hoping he'd get over this fever fast and everything would be better soon. I held him for the last time with that blanket. The blanket was with him when he died. As were the puppy dog and black bear that we also got back today.

Matt's blanket. It's such a symbol of my little dude. He loved balls... loved playing catch... and would even sit and watch baseball with Dan. I spent a lot of time snuggling that little dude and his baseball blanket. Hours upon hours. I still feel like he should be here with us... like someone has stolen him from me. I can still feel him, his hair, the size of his feet. I can still hear his voice and see his smile and his little wiggles.

Little does this blanket know... but it may be sleeping with me for the rest of my life.