A Sixth Sense?

A Sixth Sense?

I probably wouldn't have put money on it 9 weeks ago. But, I'd put money on it today.

**** THE NIGHT BEFORE ****
On Matteo’s last day of life, July 4th, I spent most of my day snuggling up to him and taking care of him. He spent some time playing with Rocco and Gabby sporadically throughout the day as he normally did… but not as much as normal. It was obvious he wasn’t feeling well. He preferred to spend the day snuggled up to me and watching his two favorite shows, “Go Diego, Go!” and “Dora”.

In the late afternoon, Dan took Gabby and Rocco to the grocery store. I was about to sit down and snuggle up with Matt again… and decided I’d grab a light read off the book shelf so I could be entertained while watching the same TV shows over again. We have bookshelves full of books… and for some random reason, I ended up picking “The Gift”, a Danielle Steel book that my mom gave me (with a bag full of other books) about 5 or 6 years ago. The last time I read a D. Steel book was probably 6 years ago… and I was expecting an easy-read love story. Not a tragedy.

So, I started reading this book while snuggled up to Matt. The story was about a married couple who tried for years to have a baby. They eventually had a son. After 10 more years of trying, they were blessed with another child - a girl. They were a happy family. And, it’s quite possible the parents cherished their children more than some parents do, partly due to how their kids did not come easy to them. I could relate to this.

So, I kept reading.

When the little girl was 5 years old, she became sick with a fever right around the Christmas holiday. But, she was still playing with her brother and her family and enjoying everything families do around the holidays.

Then, I put the book down because Dan arrived home with the kids and it got crazy in the house.

Later that night, probably somewhere in the 11o’clock hour, I got into bed and started reading “The Gift” again. The little girl couldn’t shake her fever. On the third morning of her fever, her parents knew she was incredibly ill because she was non-responsive and had shallow breathing. They ended up bringing her to the hospital, where she ended up dying of meningitis.

After reading that… I kid you not - I felt sick. I remember wondering how horrible I would feel if I were that parent. I even went as far as worrying myself with the concern of “what if Matteo would die of meningitis? Is that why he has this fever?” Honestly. I pondered this in my head as I laid there in bed. But, I talked myself out of even imagining the slightest possibility that my child could die. None of my children would die after just having a fever. They were sick all winter. Matteo was far sicker when he was diagnosed with hand, foot & mouth disease in May… he was lethargic that weekend. He was playing tonight. Matteo will be fine in the morning. He’ll sleep it off… just like Dan said.

For some reason, I decided to pray to God that night. I told God that Matteo was sick with a 104.3 fever, he wasn’t feeling good, and that he didn’t deserve to be sick anymore. I needed God to make Matt better fast. I honestly wonder every single day if that is when God took him from us. If so, it would have been shortly after midnight.

My gut tells me that Matteo died in the hours of 1-3am. There are many strange things happening to me during those hours. Whether it’s while I’m awake or attempting to sleep, or being woken up. But, I won’t get into those details here.

**** DAN'S DISCOVERY ****
The clock read 5:09am. Rocco was crying. I heard Dan get up and start walking towards the twins bedroom. I decided to get up at the same time to use the bathroom.

Dan rocked Rocco for a minute or two and got him to fall back asleep. He put him back down in the crib. Then, Dan walked over to Matteo’s crib to check on him because he said it seemed “eerily quiet” in that corner of the room. He said something just didn’t feel right. It was too quiet. He went over to Matteo. He touched him. And, he knew. He said it was as if he found something he wasn’t supposed to be finding. As if he discovered something that he wasn’t supposed to discover and that he shouldn't have found what he was finding. He picked Matteo up quickly and walked towards our bedroom.

The clock read 5:12am and I was walking towards our bedroom door and I heard Dan say “Jodi”. He didn’t scream my name. He didn’t whisper it. It didn’t sound like a total emergency. It sounded like a heightened whisper - but almost breathless. Thinking back, the sound of him saying my voice sounded like “Holy shit… holy shit… Tell me this is not true. I can’t believe what I’ve discovered.” When I heard his voice, I could tell he was trying not to yell so he wouldn’t wake the other kids. But, I also knew something was wrong. I knew it had to do with Matteo. I knew his calling my name was urgent. And, I knew he was worried beyond what was imaginable. All from hearing him say “Jodi”… which I now here over, and over every single day… especially at night.

Dan was rushing down the hall with Matteo in his arms. Immediately when he said “Jodi”, I knew something was awfully wrong. I started crying, running towards the bedroom door and yelling back at him “WHAT?!” I KNEW.

I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong. I knew it was Matteo. I knew he was dead when Dan handed Matt to me. I didn’t even have to hold my precious little baby. I just looked at his face and I grabbed him from Dan and put him on my shoulder and started screaming “My baby is dead! Oh God, oh God! Matteo is dead! Call 911! Call 911, Dan!”

And that is how the worst morning of our lives started. I replay the details of this morning over in my head… probably 100 times a day. These memories haunt me at night. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can’t fall back asleep because I replay this over and over in my head.

Play, rewind, repeat.

**** COINCIDENCE? OR SIXTH SENSE? ****
I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that I just happened to start reading “The Gift” on July 4th. I haven’t picked the book up since. I hate that book right now. Hate it. I’m angry with the book and so many other things.

I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that Dan felt it was eerily quiet in Matt’s corner of the room. Why did he feel the urge to check on him? Was it so I wouldn’t have to discover Matteo dead in his crib? Was it to save me from that memory/pain? On most any other morning, if one twin was still sleeping and quiet after one had woken up and went back to sleep… you’d go right back to bed without checking on the other little guy. Quiet baby used to = good. Now quiet baby = scary.

And, finally, I wonder how the hell I knew it was Matteo. How did I know from hearing Dan call my name in a heightened whisper of a voice, that Matteo was dead? How would ANY mother just KNOW something like that? Something so awful and unbearable… and my mind went there. Instantly. I knew. I knew our f*&$ing nightmare had begun. In that instant. I knew.

Is it a sixth sense, or is it mere coincidence?

Today I know what I’d put my money on.

Feel free to share your own "sixth sense" stories in the comments.

Rocco's Surgery

Rocco's surgery last week was successful. No complications.

This photo shows him clearly enjoying his "calming" drugs.

We had brought him in to our pediatrician a week and a half before Matteo died, because one of his man parts was quite enlarged. We were told he probably experienced some sort of trauma to the area... and it looked like it was just fluid build-up. Rocco didn't seem bothered by any pain. So, if it didn't go away in a week or two, or if he started acting like it was painful, we were to go back in.

Two days after Matteo died, we ended up bringing Rocco back in to our pediatrician because the swelling had gotten worse. And, he was also acting like it was bothering him. But, in hindsight... EVERYTHING bothered him that week. He was such an unhappy little boy after Matteo died.

We were referred to a fabulous surgeon, Dr. H (from the hospital I work for) on the same day. He knew exactly what the problem was and said we didn't have to schedule surgery right away... that it could wait. He knew about Matteo's death and was very sensitive to my emotional state at the time. He had made a special trip down from Palo Alto to see us, DURING the lunch hour and was very generous with his time. He also listened/talked for a while with us about Matteo's death. We were so thankful for his kindness and compassion towards us.

Without going into too much detail... Rocco was suffering from an issue that occured most likely due to him being premature. When a baby leaves the womb, some things do not continue to develop as they would in the womb. Some development just stops.

So, the problem was corrected. And, actually... they ended up fixing two hernias. Poor little guy! Our surgeon, Dr. H, rocked. He was wonderful. He spent time talking with me before the surgery and lots of time talking after the surgery. We also talked more about Matteo's death and he told me he ended up checking in on his 10 year old daughter twice during the night before, because she was sick. Then, he called the next morning to make sure all was ok.

Rocco was in a LOT of pain after the surgery. He stuck to me like glue and wouldn't let me put him down. So, we watched lots of Tom & Jerry... drank juice, milk, ate crackers, and napped together. The poor little guy seemed almost inconsolable at times that day... lots of hard crying and hearing him say "Owwwy! Owwwy!"

FINALLY... at 6:30pm, the little guy got perked up when Gabby and a little neighbor girl, Ayla, came over. He popped up, smiled, got off my lap for the first time that day and walked over to them. He helped them eat hot dogs and was suddenly a happy little dude again. It was so great to see, as I was starting to get really worried about him. We had even paged the surgeon around 5:30pm, because his pain seemed to be getting worse.

The most difficult parts of the day for me were:
1. One of the pre-op questions was: "Have you recently had any major life changes that we should know about (marriage, divorce, new baby, death, etc.)?"

When the nurse asked me this question... I sort of lost it. I broke down and told her that Rocco's twin brother died almost 7 weeks ago. And, she was stunned. She felt awful. She went to grab me a big box of tissues. I could tell that she was trying to digest what she just heard and also trying to be sympathetic at the same time. Odd position for someone to be in, I'm sure. And then, all I could think was "Please Matteo... protect your little brother today. Keep him safe for us. We miss you. You should be here... at home playing right now... wondering where Rocco is."

2. When the anesthesiologist came in, he said he was aware of Matteo's death and that they were twins. He continued to tell me that they may keep Rocco for observation into the day/evening, if necessary, so they could watch for any pulmonary issues. Ugh. That was not easy to hear.

3. I asked Dr. H how long the surgery would take. He said about 45 minutes. After I gave Rocco to the nurse, I waited... and waited. When it was close to 50 minutes from when they took Rocco... my mind started wandering. My thoughts? All insane and crazy. I couldn't help but fear the worst. "What if they come out and tell me... I'm sorry, Jodi, but something unexpected happended... and well Rocco...". I couldn't keep myself from crying while waiting. What would I do if they would tell me something happened to him. I would die. Right there. I would fall down and die. I couldn't go on. No. Way. Could I go on. In this life. It would have been impossible.

But everything was fine. Perfectly fine. The surgery took almost an hour... but that was because they spent time fixing some things that were unexpected. They were being thorough. Doing their jobs, perfectly.

I'm just one of those lucky parents who will now have to learn to manage this "fearing the worst", horrible, mind wandering that is all too easy to experience at any given moment.

Pictures... without Matt.

I brought the kids in this week to get photos taken. Matteo should have been there.

It was a really hard day.

Actually, we should have taken these photos in July. Right around July 10th when the twins would have turned 18 months old. You see... I'm one of those crazy moms that drags her kids in to a studio every three months during their first year of life and then again at 18 months and 2 years old to get photos. My mom did it with us when I was growing up and I've always enjoyed looking back on how different my brothers and I look in each stage of life and each series of photos.

Our trio of kids last had their photos taken together shortly after the twins turned one.

Gabby was all smiles... ready to start modeling for the camera. Rocco was on fire... running everywhere throughout the studio as fast as he could... while exploring everything. It became a game for him to run behind the backdrop and play peek-a-book with us. He was such a little crazy boy... it was funny to watch him. But honestly, I had little hope for getting even one single photo of him, much less one photo of him with his sister.

We ended up getting a photo of Gabby & Rocco together - only when she was picking him up and hugging him. And, we ended up getting a photo of him sitting with blocks (you just can't see him whipping the blocks!), and then laughing after I tossed him in the air and put him down quickly.

And, we were supposed to have an 18 month photo of Rocco and Matteo. Together. Their twin photo. And, photos of them both alone. That's what this day should have been about. And, we should have been in that studio over a month ago.

But, it took me this long... to do this dreaded task of getting 18 month photos withOUT Matteo. And, it sucked.

I wonder what Matteo would have been doing? It's possible he would have sat/stood nicely next to Gabby and listened to the photographer like a little angel. But more realistically, he probably would have been running after Rocco. I think the photographer would have hated us by the time we would have left. I think I would have spent the majority of the shoot behind the backdrop, tossing one twin after the other onto the magic spot to TRY and get their photo taken. I think Matteo and Rocco would have been laughing and having a blast. And, I would have been sweating. And, I probably would have tossed in the towel on the photos and laughed hard with Dan about it when I got home.

Instead, I cried with Dan when I got home. I cried about how hard it was to be there without Matteo. How Matteo should have been there. How it sucks to have this hole in our lives... and our hearts. Dan told me he was really bummed when he saw us leaving... without Matteo.

Gabby had a tough time with Matteo not being a part of the photos too.

The night before, while I was getting her ready for bed, we had this discussion:
Me: "We're going to get pictures taken of you and Rocco tomorrow."
Gabby: "Me and Rocco?"
Me: "Yes."
Gabby: "But, why not Matteo too?"
Me: "Because Matteo isn't here with us anymore. He was supposed to be in the photos with you both. And, we were supposed to have them taken last month when the boys turned 18 months old. But, he died, Gabby. Matteo's not here with us anymore."
Gabby: Just looked at me with a blank stare. I'm sure trying to digest what I just told her again.
Gabby: "Mommy, WHY did Matteo die?"
Me: "We don't know yet, Gabby. The doctors are working hard to figure out why."
Gabby: "But I miss him, mommy."
Me: "Me too. I miss him a lot. Do you want to talk about what you miss most?"
Gabby: "I miss him playing. I liked to play with him. He was so cute, mommy."
Me: "Yes. I know. I miss SO many things too. He was the cutest, wasn't he?"
Gabby: "Yeah."


Then, right before we left for the photos:
Me: Tears in my eyes.
Gabby: "Mommy, are you sad?"
Me: "Yes. I'm sad. I just really miss Matt. A lot."
Gabby: "I miss him too." Looking at me... thinking....
Gabby: "Mommy, why are you always sad?"
Me: "I'm just lonely, honey. But, I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And, I love Rocco and Daddy very much too!"
Gabby: "I love you too, mommy."

Then, at the studio:
Photographer: "Is that your brother."
Gabby: "Yeah. He's silly."
Photographer: "What's his name? We have to call his name and tell him to come over here."
Gabby: "His name is Rocco. My other brother's name is Matteo... but he died. This is my special Matteo necklace.... see?"
Photographer: "Wow.... that's pretty."
Photographer: Looking at me... "Did she really have another brother?"
Me: "Yes."
Photographer: "Did he die at birth?"
Me: "No. He was Rocco's twin brother... and he died a little over 6 weeks ago."
Photographer: "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. That must be really hard."
Me. "Yeah. It is. It sucks."


I went for a 45 min. run/walk that night... and I cried the entire time.

Where are you sweet angel, Matt?

Definitely a girl...

We had the full anatomy scan this week on Baby Surprise... and she's definitely a girl. We got a 4D view of her beautiful face, body and all that girl stuff.

Everything looked great. So, hopefully things will continue moving along well with the pregnancy.

The appointment was sort of difficult. My favorite technician, Barbara, was waiting for me when I arrived. She did every scan for me during my multiples pregnancy and we got to know each other pretty well. She was excited to see me, upbeat, asking how I was, what I've been up to, if I was off work today. She had no idea what had happened recently. But, then she could tell something was off. I just couldn't bare to break the news in the hallway.

I broke down when we entered the exam room and told her Matteo died a little over six weeks ago. She felt awful. She hugged me. She tried to hold herself together. She was shocked. And, I just cried. She hugged me tight. And, she listened as I told her about our recent tragic story.

Then, repeat the above paragraph (minus the hugs) when Dr. B came in. Although Barbara thoughtfully made sure to alert him of our recent tragedy before he came into the room. He listened, shared his sympathies and went on to say that I need to work hard at taking care of this baby now too.

So yes. Here I am... grieving the loss of my almost 18 month old baby boy. Still in shock from loosing him. Trying to make it through each day while fighting tears and replaying memories. Trying to make life happy for a 3.5 year old and a 19 month old. And, I'm also trying to grow a fabulous, healthy new life inside of me.

Maybe someday I'll figure out this thing called "LIFE".

Balloons

To plan your own child's funeral is really a sucky experience. Really sucky. Who EVER thinks they will have to plan their child's funeral? Nobody. Never. It's the unimagineable. The unthinkable. It's the thought that would never enter a parent's mind in a million years because it is SO sick and wrong.

But, unfortunately... we had to. We had to plan a funeral for our son who was 17 months and 25 days old. A twin brother. A little brother. A soon to be big brother. A grandson. A nephew. A godson. A friend. He was all of those things. But he was so much more. SO MUCH MORE. He was the absolute perfect child. Best kid in the room. He'd have won any smile contest. He'd have won any wiggle contest. He'd have won any hugging contest with his tight grip. And, he'd have easily won any kissing contest with the cute puckering and smacking of his lips.

I carried him in my womb for 35 week and 5 days. Then, for 17 months and 25 days, we held him, we loved him, we kissed him, we hugged him, we fed him, we watched him grow, we shared him with family and friends, we showed him the world he lived in, we learned his likes and dislikes, we learned what would make him smile, laugh or cry, we learned who could make him giggle the most, who could tickle him best, we learned who he was most attached to - and I'm very happy to report, that was yours truly... mommy!

He taught us all how to wiggle, he knew how to make us laugh, we learned he LOVED balls, loved to play catch, and had an early talent for catching. We learned what foods he liked and disliked, his favorite foods, and tricks to make him eat. We learned that he was the easiest child in the world EXCEPT for when it came to feeding him. We learned about his favorite outside toys, and his love for riding on cars and trucks up and down the neighborhood sidewalks and throughout the house. We learned which TV shows were his favorite. We learned about his love for balloons. We enjoyed watching him and his twin brother openly show affection towards one another, kissing, hugging, and pointing to each other's eyes, ears and noses. We enjoyed watching their numerous little twin battles that would take place throughout the day. We enjoyed watching Matteo's true love for his big sister's attention and love... and how he'd follow her direction just so he could be part of her daily play. And, she loved him right back, always being very motherly to him. And, it was so fun to see the two of them cuddle while watching Diego or Dora on TV. Both Rocco and Gabby had a very special and different bond with little Matteo.

Matteo touched our lives in SO MANY WAYS.

When planning Matt's funeral, I went into overdrive to make sure my child's funeral would be perfect. This would be our last salute to our little guy... a way to honor his memory. We wanted to make sure everyone knew who he was... what we miss about him, how much he was loved, and how much we missed him. I wanted the world to know that he was the best. The greatest. That he could not have been a more perfect child. It would not have been possible.

Thanks to a LOT of help from a LOT of family members and dear friends in so many different capacities... I think Matteo's funeral was probably as near-perfect as such an event can be. We were joined by family and friends from near and far. We are still in complete awe of EVERYONE who dropped everything to travel here and be with us. Having their love and support meant the world to us. Thank you just doesn't seem to be enough sometimes.

At the end of the funeral, there was a balloon release. Matteo loved being outside, he loved birds, he loved rocks, he loved bugs, he loved water, and he LOVED balloons. Two very dear friends of mine took on the huge task of coordinating and planning the balloon release. I was again in complete awe of their help and generousity. They got the most perfect balloons and spent the morning blowing them up with helium.

The balloons were all printed with:
Matteo
Tate
Martino
January 10, 2008 - July 5, 2009

It was such a beautiful way to end the funeral. We all watched the balloons hover and take their time flying into the sky. They took their time and did their own thing, just as Matteo always did.

The kids LOVED the balloon release. We told them we were sending the balloons up to angel Matt in Heaven.

As a large group of balloons was hovering above us, a big flock of blue herons (large, white, stork-like birds with black-lined wings) flew through the balloons in the shape of an "M". It gave us goosebumps. Matteo LOVED birds. Was it a sign? OF COURSE it was.

I think little Matt WAS able to see all of these colorful balloons. I think he helped them to hover over us for a while. I think he sent the blue heron's flying through in the shape of an "M" to let us know he was with us. That he is ok. And, I think he was able to see/feel/know how many people were there to celebrate him. And, all I can do is hope he knows that we're constantly thinking of him... missing him... and loving him.

Ever since Matt's funeral, Rocco seems to be on a mission to release every balloon he can get his hands on into the sky. It's almost as if he has a plan to send every balloon he touches to his angel brother in the sky. Truly. I'm not kidding - the kid is determinded to release every balloon into the sky.

On Sunday, August 16th, the mass intentions at our church were for Matteo so we of course went. Rocco was in church with us for approximately 5 minutes and then he was out the door with Dan. Dan said he ran over to the grassy area where we did the balloon release... and he looked up into the sky and kept saying "boon". That's how he says balloon. It made tears well up in my eyes. Six weeks after Matteo died. Five weeks and one day after Matt's funeral. And, my now 19 month old baby remembers this event.

Perhaps there IS hope that he will retain memories of him and his twin. What a gift that would be... truly.

Included with this blog are photos from the balloon release after Matteo's funeral.

Minnesota trip... because "Life is for Living"

We had planned a trip to Minnesota a few months before Matteo died. Tickets were bought. Plans were in the works. It would have been my family's reunion. My brother, Mark, and his family would be visiting from Shanghai, China. My brother, Jon, would be visiting from Alaska with his wife and daughter, whom we hadn't yet met and whose first birthday we'd be celebrating on August 1st. And, my brother Dave and his family conveniently live not too far from my parents in the Minneapolis area. So - it was going to be lots of fun seeing all the little cousins play together.

And then everything changed. Well... for us anyway.

After Matteo died, it was a very difficult decision as to whether or not we would still go. Until a week before the trip, I was convinced it would be too difficult to go and I just didn't want to leave the comforts of our home. Nor did I want to leave the place where all of our memories lived with Matteo. And sadly, the thought of it being anything close to a family reunion was incredibly painful... as there is no way it could be. Obviously... we would be missing a HUGE part of our family - Matteo. And, to think just a year ago... we were in MN with him for his & Rocco's baptism.

We ended up deciding to go... mainly, for the kids. We wanted them to have some MN-type fun. To get an escape from the cloud over our home in CA. And, we wanted to see them have fun with their cousins... even though it would suck at the same time to watch the fun being had and not see Matteo being a part of it.

We also decided to go because... well... life is for living, right?

The highlights for the kids were the Carver County Fair (rides and seeing/petting animals), rides at the Mall of America, boating on the lake, swimming and playing on the beach, Gabby went tubing (w/Dan), and of course LOTS & LOTS of playtime and fun with their cousins, Alexa, Callie, Maddy, Emily, and Ellie. All girl cousins - Rocco and Matteo are/were the only grandsons my parents have to date.

Dan & I were able to see some relatives we hadn't seen for over a year. Dan played golf twice with some friends and family. And, I was able to spend some quality time with very dear friends of mine who also traveled to CA for Matteo's funeral. Those friends were and continue to be very good medicine for me.

The following posts include photos from the Mall of America and the Carver County Fair. The photos below are of the kids with Dan & I, family, and there is one photo of all the cousins MINUS Matteo. But, I swear... it's like there was a space left for him. Right above Alexa, between Emily and Callie. I wonder if he was standing there with all of them, smiling his big smile. He would have had so much fun helping Ellie celebrate her first birthday... he LOVED his first birthday party. Gosh... the memories just sting sometimes.

Photos from the fair:

The kids LOVED feeding all the animals at the Carver County Fair. They loved meeting the cow character... who was hugging them and shaking hands with them... strange, I know! But, it was funny. They also loved going on all the rides... however, the rides usually ended up with Dan having to extract a screaming Rocco. Rocco had such a blast on any ride where he felt like he was driving a car, motorbike or airplane. And, the kids also enjoyed LOTS of cotton candy, cheese curds and pizza. Yum!