Pictures... without Matt.

I brought the kids in this week to get photos taken. Matteo should have been there.

It was a really hard day.

Actually, we should have taken these photos in July. Right around July 10th when the twins would have turned 18 months old. You see... I'm one of those crazy moms that drags her kids in to a studio every three months during their first year of life and then again at 18 months and 2 years old to get photos. My mom did it with us when I was growing up and I've always enjoyed looking back on how different my brothers and I look in each stage of life and each series of photos.

Our trio of kids last had their photos taken together shortly after the twins turned one.

Gabby was all smiles... ready to start modeling for the camera. Rocco was on fire... running everywhere throughout the studio as fast as he could... while exploring everything. It became a game for him to run behind the backdrop and play peek-a-book with us. He was such a little crazy boy... it was funny to watch him. But honestly, I had little hope for getting even one single photo of him, much less one photo of him with his sister.

We ended up getting a photo of Gabby & Rocco together - only when she was picking him up and hugging him. And, we ended up getting a photo of him sitting with blocks (you just can't see him whipping the blocks!), and then laughing after I tossed him in the air and put him down quickly.

And, we were supposed to have an 18 month photo of Rocco and Matteo. Together. Their twin photo. And, photos of them both alone. That's what this day should have been about. And, we should have been in that studio over a month ago.

But, it took me this long... to do this dreaded task of getting 18 month photos withOUT Matteo. And, it sucked.

I wonder what Matteo would have been doing? It's possible he would have sat/stood nicely next to Gabby and listened to the photographer like a little angel. But more realistically, he probably would have been running after Rocco. I think the photographer would have hated us by the time we would have left. I think I would have spent the majority of the shoot behind the backdrop, tossing one twin after the other onto the magic spot to TRY and get their photo taken. I think Matteo and Rocco would have been laughing and having a blast. And, I would have been sweating. And, I probably would have tossed in the towel on the photos and laughed hard with Dan about it when I got home.

Instead, I cried with Dan when I got home. I cried about how hard it was to be there without Matteo. How Matteo should have been there. How it sucks to have this hole in our lives... and our hearts. Dan told me he was really bummed when he saw us leaving... without Matteo.

Gabby had a tough time with Matteo not being a part of the photos too.

The night before, while I was getting her ready for bed, we had this discussion:
Me: "We're going to get pictures taken of you and Rocco tomorrow."
Gabby: "Me and Rocco?"
Me: "Yes."
Gabby: "But, why not Matteo too?"
Me: "Because Matteo isn't here with us anymore. He was supposed to be in the photos with you both. And, we were supposed to have them taken last month when the boys turned 18 months old. But, he died, Gabby. Matteo's not here with us anymore."
Gabby: Just looked at me with a blank stare. I'm sure trying to digest what I just told her again.
Gabby: "Mommy, WHY did Matteo die?"
Me: "We don't know yet, Gabby. The doctors are working hard to figure out why."
Gabby: "But I miss him, mommy."
Me: "Me too. I miss him a lot. Do you want to talk about what you miss most?"
Gabby: "I miss him playing. I liked to play with him. He was so cute, mommy."
Me: "Yes. I know. I miss SO many things too. He was the cutest, wasn't he?"
Gabby: "Yeah."


Then, right before we left for the photos:
Me: Tears in my eyes.
Gabby: "Mommy, are you sad?"
Me: "Yes. I'm sad. I just really miss Matt. A lot."
Gabby: "I miss him too." Looking at me... thinking....
Gabby: "Mommy, why are you always sad?"
Me: "I'm just lonely, honey. But, I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And, I love Rocco and Daddy very much too!"
Gabby: "I love you too, mommy."

Then, at the studio:
Photographer: "Is that your brother."
Gabby: "Yeah. He's silly."
Photographer: "What's his name? We have to call his name and tell him to come over here."
Gabby: "His name is Rocco. My other brother's name is Matteo... but he died. This is my special Matteo necklace.... see?"
Photographer: "Wow.... that's pretty."
Photographer: Looking at me... "Did she really have another brother?"
Me: "Yes."
Photographer: "Did he die at birth?"
Me: "No. He was Rocco's twin brother... and he died a little over 6 weeks ago."
Photographer: "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. That must be really hard."
Me. "Yeah. It is. It sucks."


I went for a 45 min. run/walk that night... and I cried the entire time.

Where are you sweet angel, Matt?