A Sixth Sense?

A Sixth Sense?

I probably wouldn't have put money on it 9 weeks ago. But, I'd put money on it today.

**** THE NIGHT BEFORE ****
On Matteo’s last day of life, July 4th, I spent most of my day snuggling up to him and taking care of him. He spent some time playing with Rocco and Gabby sporadically throughout the day as he normally did… but not as much as normal. It was obvious he wasn’t feeling well. He preferred to spend the day snuggled up to me and watching his two favorite shows, “Go Diego, Go!” and “Dora”.

In the late afternoon, Dan took Gabby and Rocco to the grocery store. I was about to sit down and snuggle up with Matt again… and decided I’d grab a light read off the book shelf so I could be entertained while watching the same TV shows over again. We have bookshelves full of books… and for some random reason, I ended up picking “The Gift”, a Danielle Steel book that my mom gave me (with a bag full of other books) about 5 or 6 years ago. The last time I read a D. Steel book was probably 6 years ago… and I was expecting an easy-read love story. Not a tragedy.

So, I started reading this book while snuggled up to Matt. The story was about a married couple who tried for years to have a baby. They eventually had a son. After 10 more years of trying, they were blessed with another child - a girl. They were a happy family. And, it’s quite possible the parents cherished their children more than some parents do, partly due to how their kids did not come easy to them. I could relate to this.

So, I kept reading.

When the little girl was 5 years old, she became sick with a fever right around the Christmas holiday. But, she was still playing with her brother and her family and enjoying everything families do around the holidays.

Then, I put the book down because Dan arrived home with the kids and it got crazy in the house.

Later that night, probably somewhere in the 11o’clock hour, I got into bed and started reading “The Gift” again. The little girl couldn’t shake her fever. On the third morning of her fever, her parents knew she was incredibly ill because she was non-responsive and had shallow breathing. They ended up bringing her to the hospital, where she ended up dying of meningitis.

After reading that… I kid you not - I felt sick. I remember wondering how horrible I would feel if I were that parent. I even went as far as worrying myself with the concern of “what if Matteo would die of meningitis? Is that why he has this fever?” Honestly. I pondered this in my head as I laid there in bed. But, I talked myself out of even imagining the slightest possibility that my child could die. None of my children would die after just having a fever. They were sick all winter. Matteo was far sicker when he was diagnosed with hand, foot & mouth disease in May… he was lethargic that weekend. He was playing tonight. Matteo will be fine in the morning. He’ll sleep it off… just like Dan said.

For some reason, I decided to pray to God that night. I told God that Matteo was sick with a 104.3 fever, he wasn’t feeling good, and that he didn’t deserve to be sick anymore. I needed God to make Matt better fast. I honestly wonder every single day if that is when God took him from us. If so, it would have been shortly after midnight.

My gut tells me that Matteo died in the hours of 1-3am. There are many strange things happening to me during those hours. Whether it’s while I’m awake or attempting to sleep, or being woken up. But, I won’t get into those details here.

**** DAN'S DISCOVERY ****
The clock read 5:09am. Rocco was crying. I heard Dan get up and start walking towards the twins bedroom. I decided to get up at the same time to use the bathroom.

Dan rocked Rocco for a minute or two and got him to fall back asleep. He put him back down in the crib. Then, Dan walked over to Matteo’s crib to check on him because he said it seemed “eerily quiet” in that corner of the room. He said something just didn’t feel right. It was too quiet. He went over to Matteo. He touched him. And, he knew. He said it was as if he found something he wasn’t supposed to be finding. As if he discovered something that he wasn’t supposed to discover and that he shouldn't have found what he was finding. He picked Matteo up quickly and walked towards our bedroom.

The clock read 5:12am and I was walking towards our bedroom door and I heard Dan say “Jodi”. He didn’t scream my name. He didn’t whisper it. It didn’t sound like a total emergency. It sounded like a heightened whisper - but almost breathless. Thinking back, the sound of him saying my voice sounded like “Holy shit… holy shit… Tell me this is not true. I can’t believe what I’ve discovered.” When I heard his voice, I could tell he was trying not to yell so he wouldn’t wake the other kids. But, I also knew something was wrong. I knew it had to do with Matteo. I knew his calling my name was urgent. And, I knew he was worried beyond what was imaginable. All from hearing him say “Jodi”… which I now here over, and over every single day… especially at night.

Dan was rushing down the hall with Matteo in his arms. Immediately when he said “Jodi”, I knew something was awfully wrong. I started crying, running towards the bedroom door and yelling back at him “WHAT?!” I KNEW.

I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong. I knew it was Matteo. I knew he was dead when Dan handed Matt to me. I didn’t even have to hold my precious little baby. I just looked at his face and I grabbed him from Dan and put him on my shoulder and started screaming “My baby is dead! Oh God, oh God! Matteo is dead! Call 911! Call 911, Dan!”

And that is how the worst morning of our lives started. I replay the details of this morning over in my head… probably 100 times a day. These memories haunt me at night. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can’t fall back asleep because I replay this over and over in my head.

Play, rewind, repeat.

**** COINCIDENCE? OR SIXTH SENSE? ****
I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that I just happened to start reading “The Gift” on July 4th. I haven’t picked the book up since. I hate that book right now. Hate it. I’m angry with the book and so many other things.

I wonder if it is a mere coincidence that Dan felt it was eerily quiet in Matt’s corner of the room. Why did he feel the urge to check on him? Was it so I wouldn’t have to discover Matteo dead in his crib? Was it to save me from that memory/pain? On most any other morning, if one twin was still sleeping and quiet after one had woken up and went back to sleep… you’d go right back to bed without checking on the other little guy. Quiet baby used to = good. Now quiet baby = scary.

And, finally, I wonder how the hell I knew it was Matteo. How did I know from hearing Dan call my name in a heightened whisper of a voice, that Matteo was dead? How would ANY mother just KNOW something like that? Something so awful and unbearable… and my mind went there. Instantly. I knew. I knew our f*&$ing nightmare had begun. In that instant. I knew.

Is it a sixth sense, or is it mere coincidence?

Today I know what I’d put my money on.

Feel free to share your own "sixth sense" stories in the comments.