Our New Abnormal "Normal"

My mom (Gammy) recently visited and it was great to see her. The kids LOVE her visits and they really enjoyed spending time with her, as always.

I think my mom needed to come out for some extra hugs. She needed to see us, and know that we're "kind of" ok... even though our world is quite broken right now. We were so appreciative of her taking the time to visit us, and this extra time with her.

It's such a crazy, broken, messed-up time in our lives. So, I almost feel sorry for anyone who comes over to visit us. There is a sad element that constantly lingers over my shoulder. It's just there. It is constant. And, I think that's ok for right now. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning how to manage it. Dan is much better at compartmentalizing it than I am. I'm sure I'll get there at some point... I'm just not there yet.

I know I'm not the person that I once was. I'm different right now... different and changing. I know for a fact that I probably couldn't appreciate every single moment with my kids more than I do right now. And, they're my main focus in life. They are what gets me out of bed in the morning. They're the reason life isn't completely unbearable right now.

Through all of this, we've been lucky to have had so many people reach out to us and let us know they care. The thoughtfulness and generousity shown by so many has been both heartwarming and amazing. At times, I can feel the hugs and tears being shared. We have a stack of cards. We have a stack of heartfelt letters. We have a stack of comforting emails I've printed. I could go on and on and on... from the books that have been sent to us, the keepsakes, the contributions to Matteo's Memorial Fund, and the list goes on and on. So many people have taken the time to make and bring us dinner, send or bring us frozen dinners, and we've even had people from out-of-state order take-out food for us and have it delivered. Totally unbelieveable. Dan and I have been in complete awe of the generousity and kindness shown by so many. In. Awe. I often think that Dan & I would have easily not eaten for weeks on end had it not been for those gifted dinners.

Obviously... we would do ANYTHING... absolutely ANYTHING to not be on the receiving end of such generousity and thoughtfulness. And, that is sometimes difficult to deal with too. You're so incredibly and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and generousity... but at the same time you hate it. You wish with all of your heart that you weren't having to be in this position... on the receiving end, that is. All I REALLY want is my baby back. I WANT MATT BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING.

But, I know I need the hugs. I know we need the love. I know we need the beautiful letters and heartfelt words people share with us. We need it. It helps us. To know people care and that they want to help us during this horrific time in our lives. We like to know people remember Matt and will keep him in their hearts. Always and forever.

People stop by or come over... and it often includes tears. I've even cried to our house cleaners, who were always entertained by the twins. I cried when talking to the nice man who came over to fix our blinds when he expressed his sympathies and had tears in his eyes.

Or, I'll be out in public... talking with a perfect stranger or someone who has maybe just seen me in passing a few times. I've cried when first meeting people at the pool... when they innocently ask "where's his twin?" and I go on to share our story. I've cried when leaving the grocery store... after the checkout lady sees me with Gabby, asks how my twins are doing, and congratulates me on the new baby and comments on how busy my life will soon be. If only she knew of our loss. I just feel so messy inside sometimes.

We've tried to slowly work ourselves back into having friends over. That's been hard too. But, for different reasons. We have had a few good friends over... and there is always something just MISSING. He's missing. It's a constant thought in my head. Matt is missing. Forever.

He should be here. He should be having fun too. He should be playing with the other little kids like he always did. It hurts to know his brother, sister and their friends are having fun, living life... and he's not. It hurts like hell and I know it always will.

I feel like sometimes I wear a mask. I try to act happier than I am. I try to hide my sadness or not think about it when people are here. And, I know that is something I will just need to learn to live with too. I will have to learn how to manage it. How to deal with it. And, I'm sure I will. It will just take time.

And, sometimes I am genuinely happy. Sometimes, I am truly enjoying the time I'm spending with my family or a conversation with someone or even a good, hard laugh. And, during those times... I AM happy. But, even when I'm laughing... I am still thinking of him. Always. And, I know it's good that I can laugh again... I appreciate that I can truly laugh and feel happy in certain moments again without completely faking it. But, he's always right there... in my thoughts. Always.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see a set of young twins with a proud mommy & daddy. Sometimes it is hard to hear and talk about kids going to their first days of school... and know that Matteo will never experience that. It's hard to hear and talk about Rocco's "firsts", or other kids "firsts", knowing that Matteo's "firsts" have ended.

But, I do and I have to... because that is life. And, life goes on. Life goes on for Gabby... for Rocco... for Dan... for me... for baby Surprisette... for everyone. And, I enjoy talking about Rocco's firsts and hearing about my friend's or brother's kids "firsts" and what is going on in everyone's lives. We can't just slip out and watch from the sidelines. We have to keep playing this game of life.

I'm expecting it to get easier as time passes. I hear it gets easier. The pain of losing Matteo will never go away. It will just be a pain that becomes very familiar... a pain that I learn to live with and manage. When other people aren't thinking about it... I will be. Always. Maybe it just won't sting as much? I don't know yet...

It's our sucky, new, abnormal, "normal" life. We don't have any other choice but to live it.

I just have make sure I give my kiddos the best possible life I can. Or, the "bestest"... as Gabby would say.