This is simply a side note to my previous blog post.
Every day we talk with Gabby and Rocco about how Matteo is still with us. We talk about how he can hear us talking, how he sits on our shoulders and watches over us and how he is in our hearts. When a humming bird, butterfly or dragonfly come within view... Gabby will say "Look - there's Matteo!" When we see rainbows - it's because of Matteo.
Matteo is also a special star in the sky and he'll smile at us through the moon.
Matteo is in so many wonderful, beautiful things we see every day. He has angel super-powers now. And, Gabby knows Matteo is constantly giving us signs that he is still here with us
We have had many discussions with Gabby about how some day we'll see Matteo again. We talk about how Matteo is up in Heaven with God and Grandpa Jimmy amongst other relatives and friends that I won't list here.
I'm fearful at this point to tell Gabby that God took Matteo from us for whatever reason. Her next question would be "But WHY did God take Matteo from us?" and "But what if God wants to take ME?" At this point, I could see her thinking of God as something to be fearful of. And, I'd prefer she likes God at this point, because she thinks/knows Matteo is in Heaven with God.
I can't possibly tell you how many conversations we have every day, week or month about Matteo and why he died, where he is and what he is doing now and if he can still see and hear us.
We talk to him every night. We pray to him. We tell him secrets and all about our day and the fun things we did. And, we ask him every night to watch over us and keep us safe and healthy.
Matteo left behind a twin brother, a big sister, his daddy, his mommy and his unborn sister. We loved him more than words could ever explain. We tell Gabby that Matteo met Giuliana in Heaven and that her birthmark is a kiss from him. But she is constantly reminding us "Yeah... but he didn't get to meet her in real life. He can't see her like we see her." To which we respond "Yes, but he can see her all the time, even while we are sleeping."
The previous blog post is a shortened summary of a conversation I felt compelled to share. It so innocently exposes how a 4 year old processes death, how they connect the dots to their own life, and how no matter what your answer is, their question will still be "Why?"
Four year olds are much smarter than we give them credit for.
While I often find myself trying to explain Matteo's death to Gabby, I am constantly asking the same exact question... "Why?" and "Why Matteo?"
No matter how old you are, the death of a child is so very difficult to understand. Even more difficult when the cause of death can not be determined.
Grief is no longer just a word, a conversation, or a study topic. It is very much a part of our life now. It's a daily battle. A constant journey. Grief over the loss of your child is incredibly heavy. Some days are bad. Some days are good. And some days are terrible beyond words.
3/23/10
"But WHY did he die?"
Death is unexplainable to a 4 year old. But sadly, Gabby knows that when someone or a pet dies... you don't see them again.
Our neighbors across the street had to put their dog, Hammer, to sleep several weeks ago because he was in a lot of pain and very old. We never told Gabby about it. We thought we'd cross that road when it needed to be crossed and there was no reason to discuss it until the time came.
Well... the time came.
We were at a birthday party for a 2yo neighbor. The party was at a park, and some families brought their pets. Gabby saw a black dog sitting next to our neighbors who live across the street and immediately asked "Where is Hammer?" It caught everyone off guard, but my neighbor told Gabby very gently that Hammer had died. She told Gabby that he was very old and he was in a lot of pain and Hammer was very happy now up in Heaven.
It was like a brick hit Gabby on the head. She was suddenly so sad.
There we were, at a birthday party and all the other kids were having fun and playing. But, my 4 year old was deep in thought... because her baby brother, her little constant buddy and friend, died 8+ months ago and she still can't understand it. But, she knows that she never sees him anymore because he died. She has a constant, daily reminder about death and how it changes your life... even if you're only 4 years old.
It makes my heart break knowing that she has to try and understand something that it only seems fair for adults to try and have to understand.
For the rest of the birthday party, Gabby would wander away for a minute or two... and then come right back to me or my neighbor and say "Why did Hammer die?" We would respond with "Because he was very old and he couldn't walk anymore. He was in a lot of pain." And, Gabby would then ask "But WHY did he die?"
I told her Hammer was up in Heaven with Matteo now. I told her Matteo was probably so excited to have Hammer there with him because he LOVED Hammer (honestly - he did), and they were probably running and playing all over Heaven together.
We couldn't give her an answer that would *answer* her question "But WHY?"
That night, I noticed Gabby was still awake in her bed as I was going to get into my bed. I went into her room and asked her why she wasn't sleeping yet. She said she couldn't sleep and that she wasn't tired. I could see her mind spinning, so I asked her what she was thinking about.
Gabby: "Mommy... why did Hammer die?"
Me: "Honey, he was very old... and he was in a lot of pain. Now he doesn't have any more pain and he can run around in Heaven with Matteo."
Gabby: "Why did Matteo die?"
Me: "We don't know, Gabby. The doctors don't know... they worked really hard to figure it out but they couldn't figure it out."
Gabby: "And, the police don't know either?"
Me: "No, the police don't know either."
Gabby: "Did the police go and get Hammer when he died?"
Me: "No."
Gabby: "Just for Matteo?"
Me: "Yes. Because we didn't know Matteo was going to die. He wasn't supposed to die. So, when we found him that morning, the police came to try and help us understand why he died."
Gabby: "Did Hammer die on his face like Matteo?"
Me: "No. Hammer didn't die on his face."
Gabby: "Matteo's face looked like this (showing me) when he died. Is that what Hammer's face looked like? Did he die on his face?"
Me: "No. No... Hammer didn't die on his face."
Gabby: "I saw Matteo's eye open when daddy tried to save him. Did Hammer's eyes open?"
Me: "No. Hammers eyes didn't open."
Gabby: "Mommy... but WHY did Hammer die?"
Me: "He was very old honey... he was ready to die."
Gabby: [thinking... starting to look concerned] "Mommy, do little girls get old?
Me: "No, little girls don't get old. That's why they're called *little girls*."
Gabby: "Mommy, I miss Matteo a lot. I loved him. He was SO cute."
Me: "I know Gabby. I do too. We'll miss him forever."
I hugged her so tight. I had tears dripping from my eyes. How do you explain the unexplainable to a little girl? I look at her, sleepless late at night... and I feel like I am looking at the miniature version of me with the same sleep problem. Why did Matteo die? Why?
Because honestly... I still don't know why. And, I want to know too.
Our neighbors across the street had to put their dog, Hammer, to sleep several weeks ago because he was in a lot of pain and very old. We never told Gabby about it. We thought we'd cross that road when it needed to be crossed and there was no reason to discuss it until the time came.
Well... the time came.
We were at a birthday party for a 2yo neighbor. The party was at a park, and some families brought their pets. Gabby saw a black dog sitting next to our neighbors who live across the street and immediately asked "Where is Hammer?" It caught everyone off guard, but my neighbor told Gabby very gently that Hammer had died. She told Gabby that he was very old and he was in a lot of pain and Hammer was very happy now up in Heaven.
It was like a brick hit Gabby on the head. She was suddenly so sad.
There we were, at a birthday party and all the other kids were having fun and playing. But, my 4 year old was deep in thought... because her baby brother, her little constant buddy and friend, died 8+ months ago and she still can't understand it. But, she knows that she never sees him anymore because he died. She has a constant, daily reminder about death and how it changes your life... even if you're only 4 years old.
It makes my heart break knowing that she has to try and understand something that it only seems fair for adults to try and have to understand.
For the rest of the birthday party, Gabby would wander away for a minute or two... and then come right back to me or my neighbor and say "Why did Hammer die?" We would respond with "Because he was very old and he couldn't walk anymore. He was in a lot of pain." And, Gabby would then ask "But WHY did he die?"
I told her Hammer was up in Heaven with Matteo now. I told her Matteo was probably so excited to have Hammer there with him because he LOVED Hammer (honestly - he did), and they were probably running and playing all over Heaven together.
We couldn't give her an answer that would *answer* her question "But WHY?"
That night, I noticed Gabby was still awake in her bed as I was going to get into my bed. I went into her room and asked her why she wasn't sleeping yet. She said she couldn't sleep and that she wasn't tired. I could see her mind spinning, so I asked her what she was thinking about.
Gabby: "Mommy... why did Hammer die?"
Me: "Honey, he was very old... and he was in a lot of pain. Now he doesn't have any more pain and he can run around in Heaven with Matteo."
Gabby: "Why did Matteo die?"
Me: "We don't know, Gabby. The doctors don't know... they worked really hard to figure it out but they couldn't figure it out."
Gabby: "And, the police don't know either?"
Me: "No, the police don't know either."
Gabby: "Did the police go and get Hammer when he died?"
Me: "No."
Gabby: "Just for Matteo?"
Me: "Yes. Because we didn't know Matteo was going to die. He wasn't supposed to die. So, when we found him that morning, the police came to try and help us understand why he died."
Gabby: "Did Hammer die on his face like Matteo?"
Me: "No. Hammer didn't die on his face."
Gabby: "Matteo's face looked like this (showing me) when he died. Is that what Hammer's face looked like? Did he die on his face?"
Me: "No. No... Hammer didn't die on his face."
Gabby: "I saw Matteo's eye open when daddy tried to save him. Did Hammer's eyes open?"
Me: "No. Hammers eyes didn't open."
Gabby: "Mommy... but WHY did Hammer die?"
Me: "He was very old honey... he was ready to die."
Gabby: [thinking... starting to look concerned] "Mommy, do little girls get old?
Me: "No, little girls don't get old. That's why they're called *little girls*."
Gabby: "Mommy, I miss Matteo a lot. I loved him. He was SO cute."
Me: "I know Gabby. I do too. We'll miss him forever."
I hugged her so tight. I had tears dripping from my eyes. How do you explain the unexplainable to a little girl? I look at her, sleepless late at night... and I feel like I am looking at the miniature version of me with the same sleep problem. Why did Matteo die? Why?
Because honestly... I still don't know why. And, I want to know too.
"No Matteo?"
I called to sign the kids up for the spring session of swimming lessons the other day. We've been using the same swim school for over a year now and have been really happy with it.
ME: "I'd like to enroll my kids in swimming lessons."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok, great. What's your last name?"
ME: "Martino"
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok. And, what are the names of the children you'd like to enroll?
ME: "Gabby and Rocco"
SWIM SCHOOL: "No Matteo?"
ME: [silence.... catching my breath] "Ummm... no. No Matteo."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok... blah, blah, blah"
I couldn't hear the rest of the call. I felt like I was kicked in the gut, unexpectedly. The rest of the call, I debated whether I should tell this person that Matteo had died and to remove him from our records. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was talking to a teenager. I didn't want to tell this stranger my child died last summer and to remove him from our records. I didn't want him to say "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and for me to feel compelled to say "Don't worry... you didn't know. It's ok." Because, I wasn't ok... I was still trying to catch my breath.
I hung up the phone and I sobbed. Matteo should be here. And, he should be in swimming lessons with Gabby and Rocco. Why isn’t he here? I SWEAR he was JUST here… where the hell is my third child?! He loved swimming lessons.
Last year at this time, we had all 3 kids enrolled in classes at the same time/night. Gabby was in a class that didn't need a parent. The twins were enrolled in a parent/tot class, so Dan would swim with Rocco and I would swim with Matteo. It was awesome. Gabby was starting to become a little fish. But, it was the first swim class for Rocco and Matteo... and they LOVED it. We couldn't stop Rocco from jumping in and going under water. It was shocking, actually. That child is a fish and has no fear. And, Matteo really liked going underwater too, but not as much as Rocco. So, I selfishly used the class to just snuggle and talk with him in the water and play the water games. I never pushed him or forced him to do more than I felt like he wanted to do on any given day.
Those swimming lessons were some of my favorite memories with him from last spring. Actually, both Dan & I loved it even though it made for a super-crazy week night. We'd finish work, run to swim lessons with 3 kids, pick-up take out on the way home for dinner, throw 3 kids in a bath, and then start the twins bedtime rituals so we could get them down by 8pm. It was crazy. But, it was awesome.
This was also when Matteo started doing his silly *crazy eyes*. His crazy eyes were essentially him giving someone a very stern, mean stare with his eyes, while putting his pouty lips together so he'd look like he was really not happy with whoever was looking at him. The crazy eyes were only given to people who were trying to take Matteo out of my arms, or to people he didn't know that were looking at him when he was in my arms. After he’d give the crazy eyes look… he’d bury his face into my shoulder for a minute or two, and then give the crazy eyes look again, if needed. Unfortunately, the swim instructor got a lot of Matteo's crazy eyes... and I would laugh so hard with the swim instructor. It was so funny and cute!
I of course LOVED that he would hold me so tight when giving out his crazy eyes to people he didn't know. And, I always felt SO loved by him (even though my heart would melt) when he'd give crazy eyes to Dan or to our au pair when I had to hand him over to go to work or help with the other kids.
He was such a little momma's boy. I miss our little dude so much.
ME: "I'd like to enroll my kids in swimming lessons."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok, great. What's your last name?"
ME: "Martino"
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok. And, what are the names of the children you'd like to enroll?
ME: "Gabby and Rocco"
SWIM SCHOOL: "No Matteo?"
ME: [silence.... catching my breath] "Ummm... no. No Matteo."
SWIM SCHOOL: "Ok... blah, blah, blah"
I couldn't hear the rest of the call. I felt like I was kicked in the gut, unexpectedly. The rest of the call, I debated whether I should tell this person that Matteo had died and to remove him from our records. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was talking to a teenager. I didn't want to tell this stranger my child died last summer and to remove him from our records. I didn't want him to say "Oh, I'm so sorry!" and for me to feel compelled to say "Don't worry... you didn't know. It's ok." Because, I wasn't ok... I was still trying to catch my breath.
I hung up the phone and I sobbed. Matteo should be here. And, he should be in swimming lessons with Gabby and Rocco. Why isn’t he here? I SWEAR he was JUST here… where the hell is my third child?! He loved swimming lessons.
Last year at this time, we had all 3 kids enrolled in classes at the same time/night. Gabby was in a class that didn't need a parent. The twins were enrolled in a parent/tot class, so Dan would swim with Rocco and I would swim with Matteo. It was awesome. Gabby was starting to become a little fish. But, it was the first swim class for Rocco and Matteo... and they LOVED it. We couldn't stop Rocco from jumping in and going under water. It was shocking, actually. That child is a fish and has no fear. And, Matteo really liked going underwater too, but not as much as Rocco. So, I selfishly used the class to just snuggle and talk with him in the water and play the water games. I never pushed him or forced him to do more than I felt like he wanted to do on any given day.
Those swimming lessons were some of my favorite memories with him from last spring. Actually, both Dan & I loved it even though it made for a super-crazy week night. We'd finish work, run to swim lessons with 3 kids, pick-up take out on the way home for dinner, throw 3 kids in a bath, and then start the twins bedtime rituals so we could get them down by 8pm. It was crazy. But, it was awesome.
This was also when Matteo started doing his silly *crazy eyes*. His crazy eyes were essentially him giving someone a very stern, mean stare with his eyes, while putting his pouty lips together so he'd look like he was really not happy with whoever was looking at him. The crazy eyes were only given to people who were trying to take Matteo out of my arms, or to people he didn't know that were looking at him when he was in my arms. After he’d give the crazy eyes look… he’d bury his face into my shoulder for a minute or two, and then give the crazy eyes look again, if needed. Unfortunately, the swim instructor got a lot of Matteo's crazy eyes... and I would laugh so hard with the swim instructor. It was so funny and cute!
I of course LOVED that he would hold me so tight when giving out his crazy eyes to people he didn't know. And, I always felt SO loved by him (even though my heart would melt) when he'd give crazy eyes to Dan or to our au pair when I had to hand him over to go to work or help with the other kids.
He was such a little momma's boy. I miss our little dude so much.
3/12/10
Giuliana's 2 Month Update
Wow. It's hard to believe Giuliana is 2 months old already. We're so in love with this little lady! She couldn't possibly be any cuter and she is truly such a good baby. In the past 3 weeks, her and I have really struck a great rhythm with each other... and I think this might be leading to a bit of mommy attachment. 
Giuliana is becoming very responsive to interaction. She loves to smile and talk to us... lots of "cooo", "ooooo", and "ahhhh". She also likes laying on the playmat and reaching for and swinging at her little toys.
She is also a great sleeper so far. I can't complain. She'll settle down for the night somewhere between 9-11:30pm. Her first stretch of sleep is currently between 6-8 hours. Then, I'll feed her and if it's before 6am, she'll usually go back to sleep. If it's after 6am, she seems to prefer being awake for a while.
Below are some 2 month updates for our precious little lady.
Two Month Growth Stats:
Height: 22 1/4 inches (75th %ile)
Weight: 10lbs 11oz (50th %ile)
Head: 39.5cm
Giuliana's likes:
* Eating & sleeping
* Looking out windows at sunlight, or in the direction of the TV
* Falling asleep on mommy or daddy's chest after eating
* Going for walks/runs with me. I put her in the Bugaboo bassinet so she can relax laying down and she usually falls asleep by the time we're home.
Dislikes:
* She's not a fan of being swaddled tightly.
* She doesn't really like drinking from a bottle, but she'll do it if mommy's not around and she's hungry.
* She will not drink formula.
So far, Giuliana's list of *firsts* include:
* First ear infection
* First battle with bronchitis and bronchiolitis
* Numerous eye infections, which we believe have been the result of a clogged tear duct
* Drank from a bottle for her daddy
* First movie (She joined Dan & I on Valentine's day for lunch and a movie. She was SO good. I never had to leave the theatre because she was quiet as a mouse and slept most of the movie.)
* First lunch date (with Dan & I)
* First visit to the mall
* First walk
* First playdates. One with our neighbor, Van, and one with Teddy and Carter (sons of two of my college girlfriends).
She's a great baby! After having a baby with colic, followed by twins... this baby is easy. Even when she's sick - she seems somewhat easy. Yes, I still feel sleep deprived and yes that comes with it's own challenges. But, life is as good as it can possibly be right now considering the circumstances. My only wish being to have my little Matteo back and my only complaint being that every day doesn't have 6 more hours.
3/4/10
Good Times With The Grandparents
We've been lucky to have recent visits from grandparents.Gammy was here for a two and a half weeks in January. She was here to celebrate Rocco and Matteo's birthday and welcome Giuliana into our lives. Her visit also meant lots of story time, indoor & outdoor play, working on crafts and making cookies. Gabby loved all the craft projects and cuddle time with Gammy. And, Rocco started showing signs of his male chivalry by saying "Rocco help you, Gammy?" as my mom would get up off the sofa or be coming down the stairs. His sweetness would easily melt any girl's heart.
Gammy and Papa then came back to visit us together in early February. Papa hadn't yet met Giuliana and the last time he saw the kids was early August. The kids were really excited to see them. Their visit included trips to the ice cream store, playing outside on bikes and scooters, walks, park time, and some Valentine gifts. Rocco kept Papa very busy with lots of athletic activity... mostly throwing, kicking and hitting balls. The little guy spent a lot of time making his Papa laugh and they had a solid bond by the end of the visit. 
Grandma Leo and Grandpa Kenny also came to visit us recently so they could meet Giuliana. The day Giuliana was born, they spent the day helping my mom and aunt Trish with the kids. Back in 2008, they started visiting us weekly a few months after the twins were born to help with the babies and give me a little break. The kids LOVED their visits, and I was SO grateful for all their help and the fun conversations. A year ago... Matteo would bring Kenny a ball right as he'd walk in the room so he could play catch. Now, Rocco continues on that path of keeping Kenny busy the entire visit with footballs, soccer balls & baseballs.
The kids also get to see Grandma Linda quite regularly, as Dan will take them over to visit her when he does errands with his mom. Gabby always gets excited to see Grandma Linda and will talk her ear off the entire time they are grocery shopping, etc. And, she loves it with Grandma Linda sends her home with a trinket of some sort. 
3/2/10
Busy Mixed With "Sickies" & Heartache
We have been busy around here. Not only busy with a newborn... but busy trying to get healthy. Again. Yup... we're just recovering from round two of the "sickies" since starting 2010.
Right now, Rocco is recovering from bronchitis & bronchiolitis. Giuliana was diagnosed this week with bronchitis and bronchiolitis. Yes, you can guess who she got it from. Thankfully, Gabby's immune system seems to have crossed that hump and we rarely visit the doctor because of her being sick anymore.
Even though Rocco has been sick, it is much milder than past bouts of bronchitis and it shows in his general mood. Visiting the allergist in December was truly a blessing for that little guy. The daily doses of Nasonex and using the inhaler at the onset of a runny nose, have made SUCH a difference in his health.
In the past two weeks, we've visited the pediatrician 5 times. Sounds bad? Nahhh.... that's nothing. Last year, I think we set a record with 17 peditrician visits in 11 days. Seriously - I'm not kidding. Last winter was so exhausting. It was more exhausting than the sleep deprivation that accompanies a newborn. Seriously. Having more than one child, age 3 or under, sick at the same time is EXHAUSTING. Picture two adults with full-time jobs trying to juggle doctor visits with work schedules and then having every moment of *free time* devoted to trying to soothe or comfort sick kids, running errands, making meals, laundry, picking up prescriptions, getting kids to take medicine, cleaning up puke after child either pukes from said medicine, or pukes because they have so much mucus in their throats that everything comes up when crying, etc.
I vividly recall numerous days last winter where I'd be driving into the office, and trying to keep myself from falling asleep behind the wheel because I hadn't slept a wink the night before. Then, I'd get home and immediately be thrown into child crazyness... crying twins, hungry kiddos, dinner needing to be made, getting my work clothes puked on, etc. The memories are so clear. And, I'd do it all again a million times over if I could have Matteo back.
Not a moment passes without thoughts, visions and memories of Matteo. Today marks the 8 month anniversary of his death. Every month, I find myself looking back at photos and videos, and reading my blog posts from this same time last year. I think about how cheated Matteo was on life. Every month when I look back, I wonder and wish how I would have had clues or hunches that something was going to happen in a few months. I wonder about how I maybe could have prevented his death. It all still makes me physically sick to my stomach.
Even though life was beyond crazy and chaotic... I loved it. I loved every minute of our house filled with crazyness, noise, and not having a moment to breathe. It was our life. We loved it. We were fine with it. There was always so much love... to give AND get.
Life still feels so different and empty... in so many ways. Yes, we have Gabby, Rocco and a new little one who has brought so much joy, wonder and love to our lives. But, Giuliana's arrival and the loss of Matteo are not *things* that can be balanced out. Losing one child and adding another doesn't help. One doesn't replace the other. She's her own, wonderful being... just as Gabby and Rocco are, and just as Matteo was and always will be in our memories.
We're constantly missing this HUGE part of our life... part of who we are. Our hearts are still broken beyond repair. Missing Matteo is indescribeable. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. Nothing can heal the loss of a child. Nothing. I can smile, I can laugh, I can go on living my life... but that pain is ALWAYS there.
Matteo - one year ago:
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Right now, Rocco is recovering from bronchitis & bronchiolitis. Giuliana was diagnosed this week with bronchitis and bronchiolitis. Yes, you can guess who she got it from. Thankfully, Gabby's immune system seems to have crossed that hump and we rarely visit the doctor because of her being sick anymore.
Even though Rocco has been sick, it is much milder than past bouts of bronchitis and it shows in his general mood. Visiting the allergist in December was truly a blessing for that little guy. The daily doses of Nasonex and using the inhaler at the onset of a runny nose, have made SUCH a difference in his health.
In the past two weeks, we've visited the pediatrician 5 times. Sounds bad? Nahhh.... that's nothing. Last year, I think we set a record with 17 peditrician visits in 11 days. Seriously - I'm not kidding. Last winter was so exhausting. It was more exhausting than the sleep deprivation that accompanies a newborn. Seriously. Having more than one child, age 3 or under, sick at the same time is EXHAUSTING. Picture two adults with full-time jobs trying to juggle doctor visits with work schedules and then having every moment of *free time* devoted to trying to soothe or comfort sick kids, running errands, making meals, laundry, picking up prescriptions, getting kids to take medicine, cleaning up puke after child either pukes from said medicine, or pukes because they have so much mucus in their throats that everything comes up when crying, etc.
I vividly recall numerous days last winter where I'd be driving into the office, and trying to keep myself from falling asleep behind the wheel because I hadn't slept a wink the night before. Then, I'd get home and immediately be thrown into child crazyness... crying twins, hungry kiddos, dinner needing to be made, getting my work clothes puked on, etc. The memories are so clear. And, I'd do it all again a million times over if I could have Matteo back.
Not a moment passes without thoughts, visions and memories of Matteo. Today marks the 8 month anniversary of his death. Every month, I find myself looking back at photos and videos, and reading my blog posts from this same time last year. I think about how cheated Matteo was on life. Every month when I look back, I wonder and wish how I would have had clues or hunches that something was going to happen in a few months. I wonder about how I maybe could have prevented his death. It all still makes me physically sick to my stomach.
Even though life was beyond crazy and chaotic... I loved it. I loved every minute of our house filled with crazyness, noise, and not having a moment to breathe. It was our life. We loved it. We were fine with it. There was always so much love... to give AND get.
Life still feels so different and empty... in so many ways. Yes, we have Gabby, Rocco and a new little one who has brought so much joy, wonder and love to our lives. But, Giuliana's arrival and the loss of Matteo are not *things* that can be balanced out. Losing one child and adding another doesn't help. One doesn't replace the other. She's her own, wonderful being... just as Gabby and Rocco are, and just as Matteo was and always will be in our memories.
We're constantly missing this HUGE part of our life... part of who we are. Our hearts are still broken beyond repair. Missing Matteo is indescribeable. My heart breaks into a million pieces every single day. Nothing can heal the loss of a child. Nothing. I can smile, I can laugh, I can go on living my life... but that pain is ALWAYS there.
Matteo - one year ago:
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Cute photos of the kids, exactly one year ago this month:
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Here are some very recent photos of the kiddos:
3/1/10
"Matteo's Memories"?
We are nearing a final decision with how we will use the money so generously donated to the Matteo Tate Martino Memorial.
Dan and I have narrowed it down to two ideas, including:
1. Every time we reach a specified dollar amount (for example, $10,000.00), we will donate that money to a children's hospital so they can create a playroom, family room, garden, or play area in Matteo's memory. The idea would be for Matteo's fund to help create happy moments and memories for sick children and their family members.
2. Every year, we would choose a family who has a terminally ill child and we would fund a family vacation and/or a professional photography session (including prints and framed photos from the session) for them. Again, the idea being to create happy moments and memories for a sick child and his/her family members.
I am hoping to start a non-profit organization, perhaps called "Matteo's Memories". Although, I am open to other name ideas... so if you have other ideas - please share them. The hope and goal would then be to organize a yearly fund-raiser for the non-profit (via a walk/run) so we can continue to help other families make happy memories with their child while they are ill or before they have to say good-bye.
Several people have contacted me with interest in helping out with logos, a web site, etc., as well as assisting with the coordination of an annual event to continue raising awareness for and money for the non-profit. Please know I am hoping to get in touch with you in the next month or so. And, if you would like to help - please send an email to jodimartino2002@yahoo.com.
We've been incredibly busy with the arrival of Giuliana. And quite honestly, we're also still trying to figure out how to keep living life without Matteo. That alone sometimes consumes a person. But, it is my hope to get moving on this stuff as soon as possible.
Thank you again for your continued support, love, thoughtfulness, and generosity.
Dan and I have narrowed it down to two ideas, including:
1. Every time we reach a specified dollar amount (for example, $10,000.00), we will donate that money to a children's hospital so they can create a playroom, family room, garden, or play area in Matteo's memory. The idea would be for Matteo's fund to help create happy moments and memories for sick children and their family members.
2. Every year, we would choose a family who has a terminally ill child and we would fund a family vacation and/or a professional photography session (including prints and framed photos from the session) for them. Again, the idea being to create happy moments and memories for a sick child and his/her family members.
I am hoping to start a non-profit organization, perhaps called "Matteo's Memories". Although, I am open to other name ideas... so if you have other ideas - please share them. The hope and goal would then be to organize a yearly fund-raiser for the non-profit (via a walk/run) so we can continue to help other families make happy memories with their child while they are ill or before they have to say good-bye.
Several people have contacted me with interest in helping out with logos, a web site, etc., as well as assisting with the coordination of an annual event to continue raising awareness for and money for the non-profit. Please know I am hoping to get in touch with you in the next month or so. And, if you would like to help - please send an email to jodimartino2002@yahoo.com.
We've been incredibly busy with the arrival of Giuliana. And quite honestly, we're also still trying to figure out how to keep living life without Matteo. That alone sometimes consumes a person. But, it is my hope to get moving on this stuff as soon as possible.
Thank you again for your continued support, love, thoughtfulness, and generosity.
2/19/10
Snow boarding... indoors.
Rocco was watching the Olympics with us the other night. He was SO interested in the snow boarding and downhill skiing. So interested in fact that he walked up close to the TV, moved his body with the athletes as they did their boarding or skiing... and kept saying "Cool!"
The next day, he was demanding to get out into the garage... we finally let him out there and he grabbed his helmet. He came inside, put his helmet on, grabbed his make-shift skateboard (which is really a knee rest I use when bathing the kids). He told us it was his snow board and then he brought a mat over to the sofa to create a ramp and started calling that his *mountain*.
We thought this was pretty funny... clearly he was getting a little Olympic fever!
He's such a funny little guy... and such an athlete. Here's some video footage of Rocco boarding the half pipe.
2/16/10
McHUH?
On one of Gammy's recent visits... she was playing playdough with Gabby and Rocco. Gabby was busy making my mom a playdough burger with her new little burger factory.
Gammy asked Gabby if she was making her a McDonalds burger. Gabby then asked "What is McDonalds?" My mom was stunned and couldn't believe that Gabby didn't know what McDonalds was.
My mom said "Jodi, doesn't Gabby know what McDonalds is?" She couldn't believe it. I told her that I had never taken Gabby to McDonalds - which is true. However, in looking back, I did buy her a happy meal at the Denver airport this past year... but even then, she never *saw* McDonalds because she had been waiting with Dan by the gate.
I didn't think this was strange until I heard how surprised my mom was. I guess it is kind of odd... for an American kid to have never visited McDonalds in her 4 years of life.
Gammy asked Gabby if she was making her a McDonalds burger. Gabby then asked "What is McDonalds?" My mom was stunned and couldn't believe that Gabby didn't know what McDonalds was.
My mom said "Jodi, doesn't Gabby know what McDonalds is?" She couldn't believe it. I told her that I had never taken Gabby to McDonalds - which is true. However, in looking back, I did buy her a happy meal at the Denver airport this past year... but even then, she never *saw* McDonalds because she had been waiting with Dan by the gate.
I didn't think this was strange until I heard how surprised my mom was. I guess it is kind of odd... for an American kid to have never visited McDonalds in her 4 years of life.
2/4/10
Isn't She Lovely...
Isn't she lovely? We are all completely in love with her.
Life has been very busy around here. Busy, but wonderful. Giuliana is SUCH a great baby. So easy! Much easier than a baby with colic (erhm... Gabriella!) and much easier than newborn twins. Sometimes she seems too easy. She's definitely a little gift.
Of course, it is still challenging having a newborn. She got sick 5 days after being born (cold & ear infection). Her days/nights were mixed up for the first 3 weeks but we seem to have straightened that out for the most part. However, last night she wanted to be awake and hang out for 3 hours in the middle of the night. She gets a fussy tummy in the afternoon sometimes. And, evenings seem to be the time where she will show any fussyness, if at all.
Giuliana has had a lot of recent firsts, including the below in no particular order:
1. cold/stuffy nose
2. ear infection
3. walk
4. bath
5. eye infection
6. visit to the mall
7. visit to the doctor's office
Nicknames so far for the little lady include "Giuls" (as in "Jewels") and "Little G".
Rocco continues to be such a sweet big brother. He loves her so much and talks and acts very gentle around her. He loves to hold her and asks by saying "I hold Giuliana?" And, Gabby is still wearing her mommy hat. She has stopped picking outfits for her every day as she realizes that we don't "dress her up" several times throughout the day. But, she has assisted with a diaper change and bottle feeding and is very proud to help whenever possible.
She has Matteo's lips and chin. It's hard not to think about Matteo constantly... especially with this new little life in our hands. He sure would have adored her. And, it breaks our heart that they will have never known each other in this *life*.
Rocco Singing...
This is Rocco's latest cuteness...
Ever since seeing the Tom & Jerry episode where Jerry's little Mexican mouse buddy is singing with his guitar, Rocco has been grabbing one of his bats and singing to us at least once a day. It sounds like the mouse is singing "Ahhhhh hambone". So, Rocco's interpretation is "Hammer... hammer.... ohhhhh hammer."
It's crazy cute. And, this is not the best of the best... it's just what I have been lucky enough to record so far!
Ever since seeing the Tom & Jerry episode where Jerry's little Mexican mouse buddy is singing with his guitar, Rocco has been grabbing one of his bats and singing to us at least once a day. It sounds like the mouse is singing "Ahhhhh hambone". So, Rocco's interpretation is "Hammer... hammer.... ohhhhh hammer."
It's crazy cute. And, this is not the best of the best... it's just what I have been lucky enough to record so far!
1/11/10
Heaven sent...
The night before Rocco & Matteo's second birthday, I had a little talk with Matt as I do every night. I knew the next day was going to be difficult. I knew that as much as I wanted to celebrate and have fun with Rocco on his second birthday, that it would be painfully obvious Matteo was not with us. And, he should have been... and that hurts bad. Every child should be able to blow out candles on their 2nd birthday cake and he wasn't going to be able to do that... ever.
Anyway, I told Matt that his mommy REALLY needed a sign that he's still here with us. And I asked him to prove to us in some way or another that he would be with us on his second birthday.
As it turns out, Matteo decided to give us a very strong sign that he is truly still with us. Heaven sent us a VERY special, 8lb 10oz, 20.5 inch delivery... Giuliana Bella Faith Martino.
Giuliana is perfect in every possible way and we could not be more thrilled to finally hold her in our arms, hug her and love her. She has long, jet black hair... almost an inch long in places. Her fingers and toes are long and lady-like. And her skin has a beautiful color to it.
Giuliana's arrival certainly changed the plans on Rocco's big day!
I woke up Sunday morning around 4am... not able to sleep. I didn't think anything of it since I woke up on Saturday at the same time and could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens, I just lay in bed thinking about Matteo until Rocco wakes up.
Around 5am, I started cramping and I decided to wake Dan up around 6am to tell him that Surprisabella was on her way. Dan got up, ready and asked when we were leaving for the hospital... all within 15 minutes. I looked at him and said "We can't leave yet! We have to sing Happy Birthday to Rocco... and have cake... and open his presents!" I think Dan thought I was a little crazy, but he went along with it.
I woke up Sunday morning around 4am... not able to sleep. I didn't think anything of it since I woke up on Saturday at the same time and could not go back to sleep. Usually when this happens, I just lay in bed thinking about Matteo until Rocco wakes up.
Around 5am, I started cramping and I decided to wake Dan up around 6am to tell him that Surprisabella was on her way. Dan got up, ready and asked when we were leaving for the hospital... all within 15 minutes. I looked at him and said "We can't leave yet! We have to sing Happy Birthday to Rocco... and have cake... and open his presents!" I think Dan thought I was a little crazy, but he went along with it.
We had made 3 big breakfast casseroles the night before for Rocco's 10:30am birthday party... and I decided we might as well put them in the oven. They'd certainly get eaten this week! Then, I packed a bag for the hospital, cleaned up the kitchen and our bedroom a bit, put toys away, and sent a note to our birthday party friends telling them Rocco's party would be postponed due to Surprisabella. When Gabby woke up we told her about the change in plans for the day and she was ecstatic and so excited to soon get to meet her baby sister, but she too felt bad for Rocco that his party was being delayed. So we sang happy birthday to Rocco, opened presents, and ate cake and egg bake for breakfast.
Somewhere in there, Dan had the car running for a half hour. Not because it was cold outside, but because he kept thinking we were on the verge of leaving. Apparently, I kept delaying our departure. Finally, he turned it off and looked at me like I was crazy. The contractions eventually got more painful and close (every 6-7 mins apart), so I said goodbye to the kiddos and my mom.
To say the day was an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. To think that two years ago that same day, we welcomed our beautiful twin baby boys into the world. And exactly two years later we're back in L&D bringing another little surprise life into the world... only, as parents who had experienced the worst possible parenting nightmare and whose hearts would forever be broken beyond repair.
I cried a lot that day. Our story made the nurses and doctors tear up. And, I felt bad for Dan because he just tried to stay strong for me.
Our sweet little Giuliana was an absolute gift on this emotional day. She was truly Heaven sent... and the most precious of signs we could have received from Matt.
Somewhere in there, Dan had the car running for a half hour. Not because it was cold outside, but because he kept thinking we were on the verge of leaving. Apparently, I kept delaying our departure. Finally, he turned it off and looked at me like I was crazy. The contractions eventually got more painful and close (every 6-7 mins apart), so I said goodbye to the kiddos and my mom.
We were checked into our room at 12noon. Time was passed
managing my contractions and sharing our story with the nurses and doctors. Dan
would tell them how this baby would share a birthday with her older twin
brothers, and that talk would of course lead to how Matteo had died just a
short 6 months earlier, 5 days shy of 18 months. As we approached 3pm, the
contractions were getting more painful. And, at 3:30pm, I finally decided to
get my epidural. I was dilated to 6 and we expected the baby to come in a few
hours.
Shortly after getting the epidural, I felt like it wasn’t
working. The pain was still really bad. A few minutes later, my nurse left the
room to find the anesthesiologist to help troubleshoot my epidural. Two minutes
later, I felt extreme pain. I started crying and told Dan I thought the baby
was coming. The pain was so immense, but I felt like I needed to push. I told
him to run out and grab someone. Dan ran into the hall and yelled “the baby’s
coming!”. Three seconds later, the room was flooded with nurses and doctors.
Sure enough, I had dilated to 10 in record speed. While they were preparing,
they asked me not to push yet, but I couldn’t help it – I was pushing. The
baby’s head was coming out. Just as the baby’s head popped out the
anesthesiologist was able to give me more of the epidural drug and I could feel
it shoot through my left leg making it extremely numb (stayed numb for almost 3
days!). Surpriseabella came out at 4:15pm in just 4 pushes. The second she came
out – I cried. She was beautiful. Absolutely perfect. She even had a bright red
birthmark on her right hand that looked like a kiss. We are sure Matteo kissed
her before she entered our world.
To say the day was an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. To think that two years ago that same day, we welcomed our beautiful twin baby boys into the world. And exactly two years later we're back in L&D bringing another little surprise life into the world... only, as parents who had experienced the worst possible parenting nightmare and whose hearts would forever be broken beyond repair.
I cried a lot that day. Our story made the nurses and doctors tear up. And, I felt bad for Dan because he just tried to stay strong for me.
Our sweet little Giuliana was an absolute gift on this emotional day. She was truly Heaven sent... and the most precious of signs we could have received from Matt.
Gabby has had her mommy hat on since the moment we arrived home and constantly wants to hold Giuliana, touch her and change her outfits. Rocco looks at Giuliana with wonder, touches her tenderly and gets a big smile and says "Loooook, baby!" or "Drinky booby!" (lovely, I know!) each time he sees her... just depends on what he sees her doing.
We truly adore our little Giuliana, love her more than words could ever explain, and are completely focused on taking in all of life's precious moments with these beautiful children.
We truly adore our little Giuliana, love her more than words could ever explain, and are completely focused on taking in all of life's precious moments with these beautiful children.
1/9/10
Happy 2nd Birthday Rocco & Angel Matteo!
We celebrated the day Rocco and Matteo were born last weekend. Only, Matteo was not here with us… he’s in Heaven. And, our plans for the day changed in a very significant way.
Usually you look forward to your children’s birthday parties. But, when your child dies young… his birthday is a huge hurdle. It numbs you. It stabs you in the heart. And, it is another painful reminder of the little person you miss so much, everything he’s missing out on in life, and that your heart will never recover the loss.
And, when you are the parents of a child whose twin brother died six months earlier… you can’t help but feel compelled to give him the world, love him even more and still make sure his birthday is beyond special and memorable for him. You feel so bad that he no longer has his twin to share “their” special day together. But, you still want him to feel like it’s a day of celebration… and that while it’s ok to be sad, that their birthday was and always will be a very special day to us. Two years ago... that day was filled with so much anticipation and joy. It was one of the happiest days of our life. And, that’s how we will always remember it.
So, we planned a party for Rocco. We invited a handful of little people who have been buddies with him and Matteo over the past two years. We ordered a Thomas the Train Cake for him and a small ice cream cake for our Angel Matt. We ordered two dozen balloons. One dozen for Rocco - because he is a balloon freak! And one dozen for Matteo so we could have each child at the party release a balloon at the party to Matt up in Heaven.
We spent an afternoon a full evening cooking and prepping for the birthday party. I was exhausted, VERY pregnant, and full of emotions. So, I decided to have my nightly talk with Matt and tell him everything I was feeling. I cried and told him I really needed another sign from him that he was still with us and I especially wanted to know somehow that he would be a part of our day on his second birthday.
On birthday morning, Matteo gave us the strongest of signs and sent us a very special delivery… straight from Heaven. The delivery was special enough to change our entire course of plans for the day.
But – we DID celebrate Rocco and Matt’s birthday. Not with the party we had planned… unfortunately, that had to be postponed. But, we celebrated as a family.
We sang Happy Birthday and blew out candles on Matteo’s ice cream cake 3 times. Yes – THREE times. Gabby blew them out the first time. Rocco blew the candles out the second time… and then he had to do it again for good measure. OR perhaps, he blew them out a second time for his twin brother up in Heaven.
Rocco and Gabby opened presents, ate lots of cake for breakfast and also had some of the special birthday cookie bouquet that two of my dear friends sent us (so cute!). It made for a fun, spontaneous birthday morning. And, he didn’t really realize his birthday party had been postponed.
His favorite gifts from the family were his new "Cars" bike with training wheels and his Home Depot tool workbench and tools.
Mommy and daddy can’t wait to throw him his REAL birthday party and have him blow out the candles on his Thomas the Train cake (we had to cancel the cake order the morning of his birthday!). 
Rocco is such a wonderful, funny and strong kid! We absolutely love and adore him beyond words. He is all boy… curious, strong, athletic, funny, and full of adventure. But, he’s got this soft side that melts his mommy’s heart. He’s a great snuggler, begs with “Pllllleeeeeeeaassssseeee momma!”, and is constantly making us laugh.
Rocco is such a wonderful, funny and strong kid! We absolutely love and adore him beyond words. He is all boy… curious, strong, athletic, funny, and full of adventure. But, he’s got this soft side that melts his mommy’s heart. He’s a great snuggler, begs with “Pllllleeeeeeeaassssseeee momma!”, and is constantly making us laugh.
Rocco has also grown a TON in the past 6 months. His official 2 year stats from the doctor's office are:
Height: 35 5/8 inches (80th %ile)
While this second birthday was a very difficult day… we do hold beautiful memories in our heart from Rocco and Matteo’s first birthday. 
Dear Angle Matteo: I hope they had a special cake and lots of balloons up in Heaven for you today. I hope you got to open lots of presents. I hope you had a huge smile on your face all day and laughed a LOT. I hope you ate lots of cake for breakfast like we did, and that you played with all of your new little angel friends. I hope you felt our love and know that we thought about you all day, as we do every day. 
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