Crib

We took down one of the cribs today in Rocco and Matteo's bedroom.

We have left Matteo's crib up. We took down Rocco's crib. I could not bring myself to part with Matt's crib.

His bite marks line the front rail, it's the crib both boys slept in together until they were about four months old. It has too many memories.

I told Dan about two weeks ago that we'd be taking Rocco's crib down and not Matteo's. I cried when I told him why I couldn't part with Matt's crib. It's where we can still see his tooth marks. It's where I remember him holding onto the rails and eagerly awaiting me to grab him out of his crib. It's where he'd look out at Rocco across the room... and they'd jump together and scream/talk back and forth before bedtime. It's where he slept with his twin brother for four months. And, sadly, it's where he spent the last hours of his life and took his last breath. I cried when I told Dan why I couldn't get rid of Matt's crib. I told him we'd probably have Matt's crib for the rest of our lives. I just don't think I can ever get rid of it. Dan just held me while I cried.

Rocco will now sleep in Matt's crib. I know with my whole heart that Matt will watch over Rocco in that crib. He'll sleep with his brother every single night and be his guardian angel, keeping him safe.

So, today... Dan took down Rocco's crib. I couldn't be in the room while he dismantled it. I didn't want to see it being taken apart. That would have been too difficult. But at the same time, I knew in my heart it was time for us to do this.

What brought me to tears today and made me sob was not how I felt, but how Gabby reacted to us taking down the crib. She did not understand why Dan was taking one of them down. She got very sad. She kept asking why we were taking the crib apart. We told her it was because Matteo died and only one baby needs a crib now. She said "but what if he comes back?" We had to tell her repeatedly, that he wasn't coming back. Do you know how hard that was? Do you know how hard it was to tell her that Matteo will not be coming back to sleep in the bedroom he shares with his twin brother?

Do you know how hard it is to look at your sad-faced, teary-eyed 3.5 year old who lives in a princess and fairy land where everything has a happy ending... and try to explain to her that this tragic event in our lives can not be reversed? That he will not come back to life? She has said on more than one occacasion that she thinks and wishes for Matteo to come back for her birthday party in November. It's almost as if she thinks he's just on a mini-vacation. Oh, how I wish that were the case. And, then when I tell her he won't be coming back now and he won't be coming back for her birthday it's as if I'm crushing her belief and dream that he WILL come back for her birthday party... and that everything will once again be perfect and Matt will be with us.

Do you know how hard it is to not be able to fix this problem? It rips your heart out. Literally. To see Gabby sad about Matteo. And, knowing that she does not "really" understand why Matteo's not coming back. At the same time, I can't even f'ing believe my child won't be coming back. I don't know why he died and I can't yet tell her why he died or why he had to leave us.

Yeah. It sucks. It sucks beyond words. It's like having someone reach into your chest, pull your heart out, throw it on the ground, jump up and down on it a million times. And, then do it repeatedly every day.

Then... she tells me she is sad and that she really misses Matteo. And, I know in my heart that she is possibly starting to "get it" a little more. Just as I am. That Matteo is not coming back. He's gone. I can look out the door for as long as I want and wait for someone to bring him back. But, he's not coming back. I can wish upon his star and pray every night before I go to bed that this is all an awful, AWFUL, sick nightmare. But, it's not. It's our new reality. And nobody "really" knows how we feel. Nobody knows how I feel. Nobody knows how Dan feels. Nobody knows how Gabby feels. Nobody knows how Rocco feels.

And, while we have felt the love and contined generousity from so many people... our many dear friends, family and even complete strangers... I have never, ever felt more alone in my entire life.

Completely, and fully alone.

I look around me and people are living life. Their lives are normal and they don't have this giant hole in their chest that I feel every minute of the day. Our lives are different now. Forever. I miss Matt. We miss Matt. I miss him more than I have ever missed anything and more than I could ever explain to anyone. I feel bad for my husband. I feel bad for my kids. I feel bad because I know what we're missing and what we'll never, ever be able to replace. It's a giant hole. GIANT.

It's hard. Sometimes every day seems more difficult. Every day is another day that I miss my sweet baby and another day since I last held him and felt him snuggle up to me. And, I don't want to get used to missing him... ever. I don't want to reach the point of it feeling "normal" without him. The thought of that alone is painful.