Baby Surprise

I found out I was pregnant with Baby Surprise the first week of May.

We weren’t trying to get pregnant. We weren’t expecting it. It was a total surprise... which made the news tad bit overwhelming. I think I shook for a full day and a half after taking the home pregnancy test.

Not many people knew of our news… a handful of people knew. It was like our fun little secret.

On July 2nd, two and a half days before Matteo died, I had my first trimester ultrasound at just over 12 weeks. Baby Surprise was looking good. Healthy heart beat and quite the wiggler. Dr. C predicted with 90% certainty that Baby Surprise was going to be a girl. A sweet baby girl. She is the same physician who predicted the twins were both boys at the same point in my pregnancy two years ago.

I couldn’t wait to tell Dan. I was suddenly so excited. No matter how crazy our lives would soon be… it was going to be awesome. We were going to have two girls and two boys… we would be a family of six in just six short months. How shocking and crazy… but how wonderfully perfect at the same time.

Two and a half days later. Our world came crashing down on us. And, I mean CRASHING. Crashing and slamming.

Now, everything is so NOT perfect. Matter of fact, everything is light years away from ever being perfect again. Our family will always be wonderful… but it will never again be perfect. We now have a huge, gaping hole in our family. Forever.

I met with my OB doctor at 16 weeks for a regular appointment that was scheduled before Matteo died. However, Dr. C knew that Matteo died because I’ve had to discuss my health with her on the phone ever since. She started crying when she saw me. Then, I started crying. She apologized for not holding it together and being more ‘professional’. I said “Please… cry. How is it possible to not cry when a child dies? When we don’t yet even know why or how he died. Cry. I’m crying too. Constantly… every day.”

I seem to have this wonderful downer effect on people wherever I go lately.

Baby Surprise seems to be doing just fine. We’ll see her(?) again mid-August for the full anatomy scan and we’ll also then confirm the sex.

My belly seems to be growing fast and getting bigger every day. I've felt her move a few times... very briefly. It will be nice when I'm able to start feeling her more regularly... as that constant movement seems to be reassurance that things are ok.

Life is beyond crazy for me right now.

Here I sit… writing about this new little life growing inside of me. And, I should be ecstatic and celebrating and thinking about baby names and planning where she’ll sleep, etc. But, all I can think about… all day, every day… is Matteo. All I dream about at night is Matteo.

It’s not that I don’t want to think about Baby Surprise. It’s more or less that my mind is completely and beyond preoccupied with Matt. I seem to have trouble planning much of anything lately… because something is just constantly missing.

How is it possible that I will be celebrating the life of this new little one… 6 months after the death of my dear sweet Matteo? How is it not complete torture that her due date is 3 days after the twins would have turned 2 years old?

Is it crazy that I hope she looks like Matteo? Is it crazy that I hope she has Matt’s eyes, his hair, his golden sun-kissed skin color? Gabby and Rocco look so similar… Matt had his own, fabulous look.

If this little baby comes out looking like Matteo, I swear... it would be like a giant 'sign' from our little guy that he's still with us.

At 12 weeks... it's kind of hard to tell who she might look like: