Dreams

Sadly, my dreams are taking a new turn in recent weeks.

While in Minnesota, on the one month anniversary of Matteo's death, I had the most disturbing vision/dream. Dan was sleeping upstairs in my old bedroom with Rocco in the pack-n-play next to his bed. I was sleeping downstairs in another room with Gabby. I woke up and saw Dan leaning over the bed. He was kissing Gabby on the forehead and he had his University of Arizona visor on. I remember thinking it was crazy that he was wearing his visor in the middle of the night. At the same exact moment, Gabby woke up and said "Daddy? Dada? Dada?" I reached out to touch Dan's head, but didn't feel him. I reached for him again and I realized he wasn't really there, but that it was my dream. I freaked out. Literally. Gabby had to have seen him/felt him too, right? She said his name several times. I heard her. My mind immediately started racing... I looked at my BlackBerry so I could see what time it was - it was 1:10am CA time (3:10am MN time). I was SO worried that Dan had now died in his sleep and he was coming to tell us he was ok. I grabbed Gabby, headed up the stairs... I opened my old bedroom door... half wanting to, half scared out of my mind for what I might discover... and I poked Dan twice. He woke up. I'm sure he was a little confused at the time. Then, we checked on Rocco to make sure he was ok. Everyone was ok.

I was so confused. I walked back down the stairs. I crawled back into bed with Gabby. I snuggled her tight. I was scared. This was so strange. I was SURE I saw Dan. COMPLETELY SURE. And, why would Gabby wake up at the same exact time saying "Daddy?". Then, I thought about the time... it was 1:10am CA time. Matteo's birthdate was 1/10. Was he trying to reach out to us? Was he trying to tell us something? Did he die around this time?

Needless to say... I ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep that night.



On Wednesday, August 12th, I experienced the first dreams where Matteo was dead in my dreams. We were doing things as a family... living life, but Matteo was dead. He was not living and breathing with us anymore. And, we acknowledged his death in our conversations, etc. It was a completely restless night. And maybe I shouldn't be calling these dreams... it might be more accurately described as a nightmare just because they were disturbing and haunted me all night. I kept waking up. Once awake, I couldn't help but think about every place my mind had just taken me. And, of course... then there was the shock and pain that Matteo was now dead in my dreams. It was horribly sad for me, to think that my mind is now starting to accept this awful truth.

On that same night, Gabby was sleeping next to me. I woke up at one point holding her hand. As my mind was waking up, I was convinced I was holding Matteo's cold, dead hand. I held it tight and squeezed it and probably within 2 seconds, I realized it was not Matteo's had, but it was Gabby's. My immediate emotions were the pain of his death. The feelings I had when I held my dead baby on the awful morning we discovered him. My next reaction was to feel Gabby's chest and make sure she was still breathing. Her skin was cold from sleeping on top of the covers (she's a hot-pot and sleeps above the covers on hot nights). But, it was completely disturbing to wake up with this dream and feel her cold body. It shook me to the core.

When your child dies in their sleep and you don't know why... every night is difficult. You're scared to go in and check on your kids. But at the same time, you're scared to NOT go in and check on your kids repeatedly... because sadly, you now fear the worst. You now feel completely vulnerable to death. Like death will strike whenever it so chooses... and what if it struck us again.

You can't help but wonder and live with this fear.

I'm sure that fear is great ammunition for my dreams/nightmares every night. And it probably will be for a long time.