Two great memories from 2008...

As today marks the 4 month anniversary of Matt's death... I thought I'd share two more of my favorite videos of the kiddos. The first is of the three kids on Halloween night 2008. the second is of just the twins together and was recorded last November.

Again, to turn the music off so you can hear the audio of the video clip better, scroll down to the playlist.com music player in the right sidebar and click on the pause () button.

Fly High Little Angel!

Four months ago, we lost our precious little angel, Matteo. It's still horrifically hard to believe.

And, it's difficult to believe these photos were taken last November. Just one short year ago. When everything was perfect still. Nothing was broken.

Matteo had so much fun that day... he loved the beach and the sand.

Lately, if you ask Rocco where Matteo/Matt/Matatoe or his buddy is, he'll point up at the sky and say "Heben" (for Heaven).

Fly high little angel, Matt!! We love you...

Pumpkin Patch Fun

We love the month of October. Not only do we love the cool, crisp air… but we love the leaves changing color, football, and HALLOWEEN!

Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!

A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!

We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.

It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.

It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.

Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.

There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.

Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.

We wish you were here with us, Matatoe. And, we’re always thinking of you 'lil buddy.

Jumping On My Heart

Today sucked. Today was difficult beyond words and I don’t even know why or how it was, but it was.

I’m at work and I get a phone call on my cell from a hospital number. I immediately assume it’s one of the doctor’s I’m needing to talk with about work-related stuff, so I answer it.
Caller: “Hi. Are you the parent of Matteo Martino?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “We need to get some updated insurance information for Matteo.”
Me: “Ummm… for what? Can you tell me why you need this?”
Caller: “Oh, well he is scheduled for his 6 month post-op audiology appointment on such and such date and….”
Me: Breathless. Heart in my throat. I’m at work. Thinking how I can’t spit out “My child died 16 weeks ago” because I will start crying uncontrollably and won’t be able to stop.
Me: “Um. You won't be needing it.”
Caller: Clearly confused. “Ok… so… do you want me to cancel the appointment.”
Me: “Yes. Please cancel it.”

I hang up the phone. Tears start flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I look at Matt’s photo and all I can think is how he should be here. He SHOULD be having this appointment. Rocco will be having his appointment. I think “why didn’t they ask about Rocco’s insurance?” and then remember that I didn’t recently cancel Rocco’s insurance. I canceled Matt’s. Life just keeps going and going and my poor sweet baby is forever stuck and frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days old. He took his last breath on July 4th. And, he’s dead. Gone. Forever. And, I miss him more than I could ever possibly explain. And, it physically hurts… this pain… this loss. And, I would do anything, ANYTHING to sob right here, right now at my desk, if it wouldn’t freak the hell out of my coworkers. So, I sob silently. I take deep breaths. And, I continue wiping my eyes and my nose. And, I keep telling myself to think happy thoughts. But, I can’t. Because I miss Matt so bad it kills me inside. And, I feel alone. I wish I could jump into a hole and just cry.

This phone call… it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground… and then proceeded to jump on it a million times, while I was watching.

I tried my hardest to pull myself together. But, I couldn’t.

And, I broke down tonight. I sobbed in Dan’s arms for what felt like forever. I want my baby back. I miss him SO much. So. Much. It. Hurts.

I want to know what he would look like right now… and what words he’d be saying. Rocco is so much bigger now and has so many words. I want Rocco to ask “Where Matteo go?”… but he doesn’t. And, that kills me. I want him to have memories of his brother. And, I feel like the more time that passes the chances of him remembering his twin get slimmer and slimmer.

And, Matt should be here for Halloween… and Dan’s birthday this week. He should have been here to enjoy the beautiful weather we had over the weekend. He should have been able to go on a walk with Gabby, Rocco and I on Sunday… and see the beautiful sunset. Instead, I had to tell them that Matteo made the sunset so beautiful… for us… because he’s an angel… and angels have super powers. Matteo would have loved seeing all the colors of fall. He would have taken it all in like he did everything in life. He was such an observant little guy.

Sixteen weeks… and not a minute of the day passes without me thinking about my little angel. Not a single minute.

Recent Updates

Things have been busy around here. Maybe that's a good thing. I find it hard to believe we're approaching the end of October.

The kids have been growing a lot... both getting a few inches taller since Matteo died. I'd also guess that Rocco has gained 2lbs since mid-July. I can only imagine Matteo would have been right there with him in the weight gain. They weighed the same, 28lbs, when Matteo died.

Rocco's talking skills have improved immensely and he’s hit that point where we can no longer keep track of the words because there are so many. Matteo's speech was a little more advanced than Rocco's... words seemed to come easier to that little guy. And, since they had their own little language, I think it delayed both of them wanting/needing to learn words as quickly as singleton babies. Anyway, Rocco says new words and short sentences every day now. Some of the funnier things he’ll say include:
* “Where’d Gabby go?” (or daddy or mommy)
* “Airplane! Airplane! Bye, bye airplane!”
* “No! Don’t DO that!” (He’ll say this when Dan is tickling Gabby, if we have to take something away from him or do something he doesn't want us to do.)
* “I want a sip!”
* "Tank you, momma!" (His version of "thank you"; always so good with his manners without any reminders.)

Rocco is great at identifing body parts, and he'll happily point out his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, shoulders, hands, fingers, belly, butt, knees, feet and toes.

Rocco's favorite toys now include balls, cars and trains. He seems to ALWAYS be carrying around one of these things. He is built like such a little athlete... and he's got the ball throwing skills to prove it!

Rocco has also amazed us in recent months with actually sitting and listening nicely when we read him a story. Granted... he doesn't sit long. But, he can usually make it through his favorite book about animals, and can now tell us what these animals say:
* Cow
* Doggy
* Horse
* Frog
* Ducky
* Kitty-cat
* Sheep
* Bumble Bee (Buzzzzzzzz)
* Birdy
* Butterfly (he'll wave his hands in the air and say "fly")
* Ghost (ok... so this isn't an animal... but he loves to say "Boo!")

Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

Gabby is loving pre-K and her new teachers. We've been working a lot with her on her letters... identifing them and knowing the sounds they make. Sometimes, we'll go through flashcards before bed with her and she will consistently only trip on a few letter sounds. She has become much more interested in coloring and drawing and painting. I think this has to do with the fact that Sarah (our au pair) will color with her for at least an hour straight on M, W, F's. Prior to this... Gabby would say "Let's color..." and then she would proceed to art direct and instruct you on the colors to use and what to color. Gabby also continues to enjoy helping me cook and back... she too likes to pour stuff into the bowl and stir.

Gabby is still obsessed with princesses. She has told us on numerous occasion that "Belle is my mommy and the Beast is my daddy". She can often be seen and heard, dancing through the house, singing the "Beauty & the Beast" theme song. She'll get this little sparkle in her eye and acts very princess-like while she's doing this. She's always dressing up in costume dresses... and loves to color in princess coloring books.

Gabby is also quite the fashionista. Only Gabby can choose her outfit for the day. If we try to choose her outfit, it begins a long and difficult battle that I don't choose to fight. She's also gotten into the habit of bringing an extra pair of shoes with her to school... glittery/sparkly/princess shoes. Interestingly enough, the teacher seems to be completely understanding of this fashion statement. Gabby is also still in gymnastics and started soccer in September.

The favorite cartoon these days seems to be old-school "Tom & Jerry". And the favorite game in the house is "get you" (involves Dan chasing the two of them through the house) and "hide & go seek". Rocco is definitely a great little hider! You'll often hear Gabby giggling... but Rocco will stay very quiet and still. Dan will also spend time wrestling Rocco... and Rocco gets VERY jealous if Gabby gets into the mix of it. It quickly brings back memories for both Dan & I about all the jealous moments you have to face and can't avoid with toys and/or attention when it comes to having multiples. So often throughout the day, one little guy would be crying due to the other little guy stealing a toy or getting to the mommies legs/lap first.

I asked Gabby she wanted to be for Halloween, and her answer was "I want to be Belle and Rocco is going to be the Beast". This of course only makes me wonder what costume she would have suggested for Matt.

The kids hug each other often. They get very excited to see each other when they've been apart. And, we couldn't be more proud or love them more. It just breaks our heart though not having Matteo here with us every day. It hurts to know that Gabby & Rocco aren't making memories WITH him anymore... and it is still almost BEYOND incredibly lonely to watch just the two of them playing together. And, even more painful to watch Rocco playing alone. It's still a sight I am just not used to seeing... and I'm not sure when I will get more comfortable with it. We're always missing our little dude. Always.

The weeks seem to fly by. Nights still seem to last way too long. And, I still dread nightfall. The 4th and 5th of every month suck... as I'm sure they always will. Every Saturday night stings with memories and thoughts of "I wish I would have...". Every Sunday morning is a bitter reminder of how many weeks it's been since I last saw my sweet baby... and everything we lost when he left us.

Rocco still points at Matteo's photos and says "buddy". He'll hold my Flip video camera up to me and say "buddy" when he wants to watch a video of him playing with Matt or of Matt alone.

Gabby and I always talk to Matt before we go to sleep at night... we tell him about our day and how much we miss him and wish he was still with us. We ask him to watch over us and keep us safe... such a big task for a little man. Our last words always seem to be "Goodnight Matatoe. We love you."

If I wake up during the night (which is often, since I'm very prego), it takes forever to fall back asleep because I instantly think of Matteo. I think of him immediately and see his face in my mind. I wish a million things in life were different and am haunted by the look on my sweet baby boy's face as Dan passed him to me in our doorway... without telling me he was dead... but me already knowing. And, I play that scene over and over in my head... probably close to 60 times a day.

I still cry when I go on walks by myself. I cry when I type blog posts like this. I cry when I look at the storage box filled with all of Matt's short little life of belongings, and proof that he existed. I cry in Dan's arms. It's my therapy. I spend lots of time looking at photos of him and have put his beautiful face everywhere throughout our home. I like to see his face often... I don't know why... perhaps it helps me feel he's still with us. I am still in a phase where I prefer to not really talk on the phone. I prefer to drive in the car with the radio off... I like it silent. So I can think.

I continue to find myself breaking down, crying at random moments every day. I still think of Matteo every single minute of the day. He is always front of mind. Always.

Super Soccer Kick!

Gabby started soccer back in September. She loves it!

What's even better is that her two best buddies from school are in her same soccer class.

It's been great for her and she looks forward to it every week. She runs right out and participates so well in all the running, kicking and games they play. And, she's got a super soccer kick for an almost 4 year old!

The kids don't have uniforms of any sort. But, they are required to wear shin guards. So, Gabby went with her daddy to pick out a special pair... in pink, of course. I have to admit I liked her color choice.. she looks super cute & sporty when she puts them on!

Here are a few photos from last weekend's soccer practice:


















Clearly... the coaches really exhaust the kids with all the fun:

3 Months. And, no answers.

Today marks three months.

Three months ago, we woke to discover Matteo Tate dead in his crib. He was just short of 18 months old. He was fighting a fever for the approximate 30 hours before his death.

I hoped with all my heart that we would have had an answer by now as to why Matt died. But, we don't. And, that I can assure you is a very, very difficult thing to swallow and understand. As his mother, it is gut-wrenching. It makes me physically ill at times. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me feel completely vulnerable to accidents of any sort, and death.

The really sucky part is that the coroner/Dr. J is about to close the case on Matteo's case. I’ve spoken with her twice in the past two weeks.

She went as far as sending Matt's organ/tissue samples to Stanford for review by a world-renowned pathologist. He agreed with her, in that every one of Matt’s organs (heart, lungs, brain, spleen, liver, kidney, etc.) looked very healthy. Matteo had slightly enlarged tonsils, indicative that he was fighting a virus of some sort. But, other than that, Matteo was a healthy little boy.

Ok... again... I don't understand. WHAT? Then, why on EARTH is our child dead? Someone explain this to me. Please. PLEASE?!

Three months of missing our little buddy. Three. Months. If you have asked me three months ago if I could go on living like this, I would have seriously doubted it. But, I have. We all have. And, we continue living. Every day. It's harder than hell... but we do it. For our two other children. For Baby Surprisette. For Matt. Without Matt. And, it sucks.

There are hundreds of known viruses. But, as we've learned in recent months... hospitals can only test for a handful of those viruses on living tissue and blood samples.

Apparently, the challenge can be far greater when it comes to running the same tests on post-mortem tissue. Some of the viruses/bacteria are nearly impossible to grow.

Of the tests the coroner was able to complete on Matteo, these are the results that have been shared with us:
• Pneumonia - negative
• Meningitis - negative
• Meningococal - negative
• H1N1 (Swine Flu) - negative
• Influenza - negative
• Dehydration – negative
• Myocarditis – no signs
• Anomalous left coronary artery – no signs
• Brain aneurism – no signs
• Febrile Seizure – no signs
• SIDS – completely ruled out, due to the fact Matt was over 1 year of age
• Toxicology report showed one item: Acetaminophen (Tylenol), of normal levels

Per our pediatrician’s suggestion after Rocco’s 5 day fever, we went ahead and had his blood drawn to test for mono/EBV. We’re still awaiting results. The first result was inconclusive, partly due to a lab error.

Then, I need to let the Dr. J know what the results are. If negative, she closes Matteo’s case. If positive, there may be another test the coroner’s lab does. There may not be.

Dr. J could not perform the EBV/mono test on Matteo due to the fact that the bacteria is next to impossible to grow from post-mortem tissue.

I also asked Dr. J again if she could guesstimate Matteo's time of death. It's difficult to do with absolute certainty, due to the fact that he was dead for hours before we discovered him. But, she estimates it was closer to the 10pm-12am hours on July 4th, versus the very early hours of July 5th.

It is beyond difficult to think that my sweet baby boy, died from a random virus that we can’t pinpoint. In today’s world of vaccines and hand washing… my child died from being sick. He had a fever. And, we had no way of knowing that this fever was different from any other he had experienced over his lifetime.

That’s hard to swallow.

It’s still hard to think I will never see him again. Never hold him again. Never smell him and snuggle with him again. Never see him playing with Rocco and Gabby again.

It beyond hurts.

People ask if it’s getting easier with time. People ask if it helps knowing another baby is on the way. And, I sometimes want to scream “NO!” at the top of my lungs and cry at what seems like such an insensitive comment/question. But, I don’t. I don’t because I know they have no way of understanding what we’ve gone through, or how we feel. There is no way they could truly know our loss. No possible way.

You can try to imagine what it’s like. Maybe you have a child around 18 months… or older, or younger. And, maybe you try to “imagine” not seeing them, holding them or hearing their precious little voice for 3 months. But in reality… you still get to do that every day. We don’t. We won’t again. Ever. Not with Matteo. He’s gone. Nobody and nothing can or will ever replace him. He’s our loss. Our big, huge, gigantic loss. We will never see his full potential… the great man he was supposed to grow up to be. We will never be witness to more of the crazy and fun twin antics between Matt and Rocco. We'll always look at Rocco and think and wonder what Matteo would have done, been, looked like.

You will never know quite how we feel unless you’ve experienced a loss like this.

24 Weeks and 6 Days

Baby Surprisette is now 24 weeks and 6 days along.

I've been able to feel her kick and move since 16 weeks, but until a few weeks ago, she seemed to be pretty mellow. She's now getting to be much more active and I'll often feel her moving around a lot after I eat or when I'm wide awake in the wee hours of the night.

There is SO much less activity in the belly with just one baby. With the twins... there was constant movement from 23 weeks on.

Gabby really enjoys feeling her move. She loves to put her hands on my belly and her ear up against my belly to try and listen for her sister. And, Rocco will even pat my belly and say "baby", instead of "belly".

This pregnancy has been such a subconcious part of my life for the past 12 weeks, ever since Matt died. But, it's becoming much more front-of-mind with her becoming more active, the protruding belly growth, and having complete strangers asking about the pregnancy.

With Gabby, my big cravings were anything with tomatoes and cheese (pizza, pastas, grilled cheese & tomato soup), dill pickles, broccoli, and choc chip cookies.

With the twins, I couldn't get enough meat, spicy food and had to have a donut almost every day

This baby has had me on numerous runs to get an M&M Blizzard from DQ, and I seem to always have a fresh batch of blueberry muffins available (with extra blueberries).

This baby has been a very good baby so far, not creating any added drama.

God is Snuggling Matatoe

During our stressful week with Rocco, there was one distinct sign our little Matt was with us.

It was the night Dan stayed with Rocco in the hospital. I was home, lying next to Gabby in bed, unable to sleep. I was so worried... and I felt like I was just waiting for news or a phone call from Dan.

Gabby was fast asleep. She was sleeping hard. Every so often, she'd even snore.

All of a sudden... she reached for my arm and said "Mommy?" I didn't respond because I could tell she was still sleeping. And, she said it again "Mommy?"

So I replied, "Yes, sweetheart?"

And she said "You know what? God and Matatoe are snuggling right now!"

And, that was it. She didn't say another thing and started snoring again shortly thereafter.

I couldn't believe it. This was crazy to me.

There I sat in the dark, wide awake, filled with worry and stressed about Rocco, grieving the loss of Matteo and replaying everything about our last two days with him. And, then Gabby says this to me, in her sleep.

I rolled over and I cried. I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t help but think and hope that little Matt was telling me something, once again, through his big sister. He wanted me to know he was ok.

I’ve never once told Gabby that God and Matteo snuggle in Heaven. Not because I wouldn’t like to believe it – I have just never thought to say something like that to her. Maybe another adult has created this beautiful image for her and she just happened to be dreaming about it that night, and happened to tell me about it in her sleep. I don’t know. It sure is quite a coincidence, if so.

My little angel… being snuggled… by God.

One VERY LONG Week

We had a really rough week, two weeks ago. Thinking about it exhausts me…

After a very normal and active Sunday, Rocco felt warm to me that night. He’s been cutting a lot of teeth… but he felt warmer than “teething” warm. I took his temperature around 6:30pm and it was 102.1. My first thought was “Great. Here we go… our first fever since Matteo’s death. Ok, we’ll get through this. It’s just a fever.”

But in reality, you’re parents to a child who died in his sleep after fighting a fever for 30 hours – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when his twin brother comes down with a fever 10 weeks after his twin died while fighting a fever – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when a cause of death has still not been determined, when blood samples have now been sent to a microbiologist to look deeper for any connections to some kind of viral or bacterial infection and when the coroner tells you that his organs all showed he was a very healthy little boy… well… a fever is not “just a fever”.

A fever now has the potential to be beyond scary and stressful. Every hour is filled with questioning and second guessing every move you make as a parent. And, the scariest part might just be that you know nighttime is coming. You know fevers are their worst at night. And, this child will want to sleep. And, you’ll get tired too.
And… one of your 17 month, 25 day old twin boys died 10 weeks earlier. He had a fever too. He died in his sleep. And, you found him dead, in his crib the next morning when you went in to calm his crying twin brother.

Now every hour of every day for the rest of your life… you kick yourself, you’re angry with yourself and you WISH and wonder why you didn’t do a million things differently that last night with him. You replay every last thing you did with him and the last moments you spent with him. A million times a day. You wonder how the hell your sweet baby could have died, when one month earlier, he was much sicker, fighting a similar fever, but acting completely lethargic for two straight days. You wonder how he could have died when he had fought numerous fevers, night and day, throughout the winter months. You wonder why he was taken from you. You feel like he was stolen.

And all you have are sweet memories and photos of him. And, your heart has never hurt more and you cry every day, more than you’re ever cried in your entire life. And, you’re sad. You’re lonely and you’ve never missed ANYTHING so much. Ever.
You completely lose any fear you, yourself had of dying… because that will be when you reunite with your sweet baby again.

THAT is what a fever is now… for us, anyway.

So, we paged our pediatrician Sunday night because Rocco also had some little red dots on his upper arms and around his neck. Dr. O was great… and he said he’d like us to meet him at his office. Apparently, the dots were heat-rash related. We were to keep giving him Motrin/Tylenol as needed, bathe him and call Dr. O in the morning if the fever got worse.

Rocco kept the fever through the night, but it stayed 102 or below with regular doses of Tylenol. Monday morning started with a very low fever so I thought (hoped!) that maybe it was teething after all. However, when he went from active and happy to clinging to mommy, acting tired, sick, and feeling crazy-hot to the touch in the matter of a half hour… I knew this wasn’t good. At 11:15am, his fever was 104.2. I gave him Tylenol and called the Dr. O. We were told to bring him in right away, which we did. His fever was still climbing (104.5), so they gave him a high dose of Motrin. And we of course raised a million concerns… “but this is too similar to Matteo… fast/high fever?” I almost felt bad for Dr. O or any doctor that day, because all we really wanted was for him/them to say was “Matt died of X. This is completely unrelated to what Rocco has, which is Z.” But, of course, that was impossible.

So, we were sent to the hospital to get Rocco’s blood drawn. And, we were given a prescription for TamiFlu, just in case this was H1N1-related.
Dr. O called us about two hours later to let us know Rocco’s white blood cell counts were elevated, indicating he wasn’t just fighting a flu virus. There was something else, possibly an infection of some sort. Dan took this call and I of course lost it. I broke down crying. My heart was in my throat.

We were then sent to the ER with a referral, to help speed the process of getting us seen quickly. While in the ER, we experienced two more fever spikes of 104. In hearing our history of Rocco’s twin dying 10 weeks prior, after having a fast, high fever history… none of the physicians felt comfortable sending us home. They wanted to keep Rocco for observation, wait for more of the lab tests to come back, and monitor him for cardiac or apnea issues throughout the night. We were finally admitted to a room at 9:15pm. Dan spent the night in the hospital with Rocco. I went home… and wow, that was incredibly difficult to do.

Gabby couldn’t understand why her brother was not coming home. “But Mommy, I want to play with him still. I love him. He’s going to come back, right?” It broke my heart. And, I couldn’t help but cry while trying to reassure her (and myself) that everything would be ok and “Yes, he is absolutely coming home to us.” Neither Dan nor I slept much that night.

Rocco was discharged Tuesday morning. No apnea or cardiac issues were discovered throughout the night. He ran a fever throughout the night but was finally responding well to the medications. He tested negative for 7 viruses they are able to test for (out of the 100’s that exist).

At home on Tuesday, his fever continued and ended up climbing to 104 by 8:30pm. Dr. O had us go back into his office around 5pm when I reported Rocco to be having some difficulty breathing. He was then diagnosed with bronchitis in addition to whatever illness he was fighting. Dr. O decided to call us every hour for a few hours that night – which I couldn’t have been more appreciative of. Finally around 10:30pm, his fever went below 102. This is after taking higher doses of the Tylenol, as recommended by Dr. O.

I decided to pull an all nighter so I could check on Rocco every half hour. There was NO WAY I could sleep, after losing Matt in his sleep while he had a fever. Rocco was FINALLY cool to the touch from 12:30am – 2:45am, and I was celebrating in my head. But, at 3am, he was feeling warm again. At 3:30am, he woke up crying, I went to get him, he threw up on me, and he was extremely hot. Again – fever of 104. I woke Dan up so I could clean up the puke and change clothes. Dan gave Rocco Tylenol and brought him to the ER. By the time they got there – Rocco’s fever was 105. They gave him Motrin right away, did chest x-rays, ran some more blood tests, and paged Dr. O.

Dan and Rocco got home from the ER around 9am. Still – no answers. I had slept for maybe one hour after Dan took over. Dan, was exhausted. This sucked.

Rocco’s fever continued throughout Wednesday, but never hit over 102.8. He had a normal temp by 7:30pm, and his fever didn’t hit over 100 throughout the night. On Thursday, it was 100 at 8:20am, but came down right away after giving him Tylenol and that was the last of it.

To say it was an exhausting, stressful week doesn’t even crack the surface.
We felt lucky to have a pediatrician who spent a LOT of time working for us that week. Dr. O called us more than we called him - we were so appreciative.
The question remains – what caused this?

Dr. O’s wife who is an RN called to confirm on Monday of last week that Rocco’s H1N1 test results were negative. But, she also told us they would like to test Rocco for mono. She asked if Matteo’s blood was tested for EBV/mono. I was pretty sure the answer was no – but would call the coroner to find out. She said that in small children, mono can be subclinical for 2 months. She also said that in small children, mono typically presents with high fevers and not so much the exhaustion that adolescents experience. She also mentioned that mono does have the potential to cause death in small children. And, with the timing of Matteo’s death… we agreed that this was something we needed to test for. (Please note – this is my recount of the discussion. If you have questions – ask your MD.).

I called the coroner and left a vmail. I called her again the next day and left another vmail. She finally called back and could not confirm that they did test for EBV/mono so she had to call the lab. I have a feeling they didn’t initially test for it, but we’ll see. I talked with the coroner for a while that day. It brought lots of horrible memories, and emotions back to the surface.

I still can’t believe Matt’s gone. It’s been 12 weeks and I miss him more than anything. And, it sucks beyond SUCKS still not knowing why he died. I need to know why he died. I just hope we get answers some day.

Dan and I eventually caught up on our sleep. Rocco is healthy. Gabby is healthy. Baby Surprisette is kicking and moving around a lot more in recent weeks.

And, at this rate… baby Surprisette is sure to be an adrenaline junky and non-sleeper.

All photos in this post are of Gabby smothering Rocco with love that week. SO cute...

11 Weeks

It's been 11 weeks now since we last saw Matteo alive. Eleven. Weeks. Eleven LONG weeks.

Life keeps going on... and on and on. And, we still miss our little dude. We miss everything about him. It still feels like a knife is going right through my heart every minute of the day... every minute I think about him. Every minute I miss him.

Every minute of every day for eleven weeks.

I miss hearing his precious voice. I miss snuggling with him every day. I miss his wild, curly, golden hair. I miss his chubby feet. I miss his huge brown eyes. I miss him burrowing his head into my shoulder when someone would get close to us or try and take him out of my arms. I miss him and Rocco fighting over me. I miss hearing him say "momma, momma, momma!" I miss EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. I miss it all...

I watch this video often.
(Again, to turn off the music on this site, click pause "" on the playlist.com box. Just scroll down a bit and you'll see it in the right sidebar.)


And, this is one of the last 10 videos we took of him. It was filmed in June when he started going from only liking to watch Diego, to watching and singing along to the theme song for Dora.

Rocco's First Kiss

Back in July... about two weeks after Matteo died, some good friends came to visit us.

We took the kids to the park, went out for lunch, the kids took baths and watched a movie with popcorn and we built a big nest for them on the floor.

And, Rocco had his first kiss... with Miss Gianna Bella. She is about 6 months younger than Gabby, but I think Rocco had quite the crush while she was here.

Matteo was more of the ladies man... always aware when a little girl was around him. Always quick to pick up a toy and share it with her. Rocco never showed much interest in the little ladies before this.

But, I got a great photo - so I had to share.

Summer Pool Fun

We ended the summer with lots of trips to the pool. LOTS!

Gabby and Rocco both love the water... so it is always a fun activity to do as a family. Just a tad bit exhausting as Rocco has no fear in the water and literally just dives in and will float with his face down and giving a few leg kicks until you pick him up out of the water. Only to dive in immediately and do it again. He looks like a frog floating in the water and you have to watch him like a hawk.

Gabby has turned into such a great little swimmer. She swims wonderfully with her face down in the water, but we need to work on getting her to also swim with her head ABOVE the water so she can breathe while swimming. Needless to say, she is fine swimming in the shallow end, so she can come up for air by simply putting her feet on the ground. But, we still need to wear the swimmy arms if she wants to wander into the deep end freely. She continues on in swimming lessons and is doing so great, loving it and learning so much.

Rocco, Gabby & gymnastics

Rocco has started gymnastics!

The original plan was for me to enroll both Rocco & Matteo in September. Matteo would have really LOVED it. And, I would have SO loved to see him enjoying it too. But, instead... Rocco started the "Tumble With Your Tot" class solo in August. Both his and Gabby's class begins at the same time, which is convenient.

Gabby recently moved up a level, and she really enjoys it. There is more focus on coordination type skills, more time spent on the beam and bars, and more energy put towards having the kids learn/do certain tumbling skills correctly... not just flopping through the motions. Gabby really likes the challenges of her new class and was thrilled that a friend she made at gymnastics also joined her in the move to this class.

Rocco thinks the gym is fabulous. His class is 45 mins long and consists of 15 minutes to do whatever he wants (bar, beam, trampoline, floor, ropes, mats... whatever), 5 minutes of circle-time stretching, ~10 minutes of obstacle courses, ~10 minutes of tunnels, balls and hula hoops, ~5 minutes to jump in the pit, then the goodbye song, stamps & paper. On the first day, I couldn't get Rocco to focus on anything... he spent the entire class running everywhere and testing everything out as quickly as he could. I was exhausted at the end and probably sweating more than him!

During the second class, Rocco actually sat in circle time for an entire minute before running off out of the circle (while all the other kids sat stretching nicely, of course). And, during the third class, he actually did 3 minutes of stretching with the other kids before running off. By the third class he also followed the kids ahead of him through the obstacle course nicely instead of trying to zip by them, go around them, or run off to do something else entirely. His focus seems to get better with each class. I think the enormous gym just really excited this little guy!

During class, Gabby will often wave and yell a "Hi Rocco! Hi mommy!", which is cute. And, I often have to catch Rocco from running over to Gabby... he'll point and say "Babby!"

I find myself wondering what Matteo would have liked best about the class. I wonder if he would have followed Rocco around while laughing, knowing they were making me chase them both. Or, if he would have had more focus from the start. I imagine he would have enjoyed the circle time stretching and the obstacle course. I think he would have also clung to me quite a bit and would have been a bit bothered every time I had to run off to chase Rocco.

I'll always wonder... no matter what we do. I'll always wonder what Matteo would have done.

Now this is EXCITEMENT!

Gabby and Rocco get so excited when they know we're going to GG.

This video is a sampling of the excitement during the car ride there. To turn off the music on this blog site so you can hear the video, simply click on the pause button () on the playlist (right side bar, scroll down a bit, under the header "playlist.com").

Our New Abnormal "Normal"

My mom (Gammy) recently visited and it was great to see her. The kids LOVE her visits and they really enjoyed spending time with her, as always.

I think my mom needed to come out for some extra hugs. She needed to see us, and know that we're "kind of" ok... even though our world is quite broken right now. We were so appreciative of her taking the time to visit us, and this extra time with her.

It's such a crazy, broken, messed-up time in our lives. So, I almost feel sorry for anyone who comes over to visit us. There is a sad element that constantly lingers over my shoulder. It's just there. It is constant. And, I think that's ok for right now. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning how to manage it. Dan is much better at compartmentalizing it than I am. I'm sure I'll get there at some point... I'm just not there yet.

I know I'm not the person that I once was. I'm different right now... different and changing. I know for a fact that I probably couldn't appreciate every single moment with my kids more than I do right now. And, they're my main focus in life. They are what gets me out of bed in the morning. They're the reason life isn't completely unbearable right now.

Through all of this, we've been lucky to have had so many people reach out to us and let us know they care. The thoughtfulness and generousity shown by so many has been both heartwarming and amazing. At times, I can feel the hugs and tears being shared. We have a stack of cards. We have a stack of heartfelt letters. We have a stack of comforting emails I've printed. I could go on and on and on... from the books that have been sent to us, the keepsakes, the contributions to Matteo's Memorial Fund, and the list goes on and on. So many people have taken the time to make and bring us dinner, send or bring us frozen dinners, and we've even had people from out-of-state order take-out food for us and have it delivered. Totally unbelieveable. Dan and I have been in complete awe of the generousity and kindness shown by so many. In. Awe. I often think that Dan & I would have easily not eaten for weeks on end had it not been for those gifted dinners.

Obviously... we would do ANYTHING... absolutely ANYTHING to not be on the receiving end of such generousity and thoughtfulness. And, that is sometimes difficult to deal with too. You're so incredibly and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and generousity... but at the same time you hate it. You wish with all of your heart that you weren't having to be in this position... on the receiving end, that is. All I REALLY want is my baby back. I WANT MATT BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING.

But, I know I need the hugs. I know we need the love. I know we need the beautiful letters and heartfelt words people share with us. We need it. It helps us. To know people care and that they want to help us during this horrific time in our lives. We like to know people remember Matt and will keep him in their hearts. Always and forever.

People stop by or come over... and it often includes tears. I've even cried to our house cleaners, who were always entertained by the twins. I cried when talking to the nice man who came over to fix our blinds when he expressed his sympathies and had tears in his eyes.

Or, I'll be out in public... talking with a perfect stranger or someone who has maybe just seen me in passing a few times. I've cried when first meeting people at the pool... when they innocently ask "where's his twin?" and I go on to share our story. I've cried when leaving the grocery store... after the checkout lady sees me with Gabby, asks how my twins are doing, and congratulates me on the new baby and comments on how busy my life will soon be. If only she knew of our loss. I just feel so messy inside sometimes.

We've tried to slowly work ourselves back into having friends over. That's been hard too. But, for different reasons. We have had a few good friends over... and there is always something just MISSING. He's missing. It's a constant thought in my head. Matt is missing. Forever.

He should be here. He should be having fun too. He should be playing with the other little kids like he always did. It hurts to know his brother, sister and their friends are having fun, living life... and he's not. It hurts like hell and I know it always will.

I feel like sometimes I wear a mask. I try to act happier than I am. I try to hide my sadness or not think about it when people are here. And, I know that is something I will just need to learn to live with too. I will have to learn how to manage it. How to deal with it. And, I'm sure I will. It will just take time.

And, sometimes I am genuinely happy. Sometimes, I am truly enjoying the time I'm spending with my family or a conversation with someone or even a good, hard laugh. And, during those times... I AM happy. But, even when I'm laughing... I am still thinking of him. Always. And, I know it's good that I can laugh again... I appreciate that I can truly laugh and feel happy in certain moments again without completely faking it. But, he's always right there... in my thoughts. Always.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see a set of young twins with a proud mommy & daddy. Sometimes it is hard to hear and talk about kids going to their first days of school... and know that Matteo will never experience that. It's hard to hear and talk about Rocco's "firsts", or other kids "firsts", knowing that Matteo's "firsts" have ended.

But, I do and I have to... because that is life. And, life goes on. Life goes on for Gabby... for Rocco... for Dan... for me... for baby Surprisette... for everyone. And, I enjoy talking about Rocco's firsts and hearing about my friend's or brother's kids "firsts" and what is going on in everyone's lives. We can't just slip out and watch from the sidelines. We have to keep playing this game of life.

I'm expecting it to get easier as time passes. I hear it gets easier. The pain of losing Matteo will never go away. It will just be a pain that becomes very familiar... a pain that I learn to live with and manage. When other people aren't thinking about it... I will be. Always. Maybe it just won't sting as much? I don't know yet...

It's our sucky, new, abnormal, "normal" life. We don't have any other choice but to live it.

I just have make sure I give my kiddos the best possible life I can. Or, the "bestest"... as Gabby would say.

Our New Au Pair

This is a photo of our new au pair, Sarah, with the kids. She joins us from Germany and has been here since August 14th. She has been such a welcome member of our household... so helpful with cleaning up around the house and doing laundry. Sometimes, I think she has a little bit of me in her in that she can't seem to sit down either! Always likes to be doing something.

The kids have really taken to Sarah quickly too. She plays so nicely with Gabby and Rocco, even when she is not technically "working". She will color and play dolls with Gabby for hours, and Gabby just loves that. And, Rocco seems to becoming quite her little buddy. He always greets her with a "Hi Sarah!" when he first sees her in the morning. He often likes to sit and eat breakfast with her. And, she spends time playing blocks with him and takes him to the park every single day.

It seems to be a very good fit for all. Sarah will be with us until August of 2010.