And... life keeps moving forward.

Everything right now seems to be measured in days since Matteo died. Or, days before Matteo died. Yesterday marked two weeks since he died. I can't seem to remember what day it is at any given moment lately. But, I can always tell you the exact number of days since my baby died.

Time isn't the only challenging factor we've faced in the past 15 days... awkward moments seem to be another. I need to get a better handle on being comfortable with and handling awkward moments. It's almost like I have an ability to anticipate which situations will be awkward and which won't.

For example, I had been meaning to schedule a hair appointment for months. But, for a million time-related reasons, never got around to it. I had time last week... so I finally scheduled and had my haircut.

In the days leading up to it... I was dreading it. Not the haircut itself... I was dreading the conversation that I knew was going to happen with my new hair stylist. I had only been to her once prior to this appointment.

I was DREADING not being able to avoid the topic that has haunted me every minute of every day for the past 15 days... with a near-stranger. My sweet baby, Matteo. Gone. Forever.

I was about to be stuck in a chair... with someone who would want to chit chat and ask me a million questions. Don't get me wrong... she's a very nice girl... early twenties. Just no idea what she would be in for with me that day. I would be without a box of kleenex nearby. There would be no chance of me being able to just get up and leave when things got uncomfortable because she'd have a scissors in one hand, and my hair in the other. And because it had taken me so long to get my butt in for the hair appt in the first place... there was no way in hell I was going to be leaving with a half-cut head of hair.

So many thoughts were spinning through my head when "prepping" myself for this appointment. What am I going to do when she starts asking me about my kids? Will she remember I have kids? Should I just pretend to be someone I'm not so I can avoid the discussion all-together? Will she remember I'm married? I could change my name in the appt book and she'll think I'm a new client! I could be XX XX from XX... single, no kids... and completely avoid the discussion.

But I knew in my heart... I couldn't pretend to be someone else. That's not me. I don't know a different life. I only know what I know... and what I live and breathe right now.

I wondered how long it would take for the topic of kids to come up. I thought it would probably come up in the first 15 minutes... probably closer to the 15 minute mark.

Hair Stylist: "Ok, so what would you like to do today?"
Me: "Let's cut at least 2 inches off the bottom... layer it.... thin it out... just do some magic."
Hair Stylist: "Alright - not a problem. Let's go back and wash your hair. So... how has your summer been? I haven't seen you in a while. You must be busy with the kids... how many kids do you have again?"
Me: Pause... silence... deep breath... "Well, yeah... the summer has been busy. The kids definitely keep us busy... a little less busy right now which is hard. I have 3 kids. A 3 year old, two 18 month old boys... but one of my 18 month old boys died recently. He died in his sleep. We don't yet know why he died but we're hoping to get answers soon."

ROOM GOES SILENT.

Hair Stylist: "OH! I am soooooo sorry... I can't imagine. I'm so sorry." Silence.
Awkward silence. More awkward silence.
Hair Stylist: "Yeah... I've had a busy summer too... I'm moving on August 1st... blah, blah, blah."

I suddenly felt more comfortable that she changed the subject and the focus to herself. She continued to talk about her move. I acted interested... but all I could do was think about Matt. I saw his sweet face and smile... I tried to replay and hear his voice in my head. All the things that I don't want to forget... but fear I will slowly forget someday. I just let my mind wander in "Matt-world" while this near-stranger continued talking.

But, I made it through the moment I was dreading. I answered her question. I stunned the room. I stopped conversation just like that. But, most importantly, I said what I wanted to say. I have three kids. One died recently. Matteo will never, ever be left out of the "kid count". Ever. He will always be my child. He will always be with me. He will not be forgotten. I won't let it happen. I answered her questions with dignity and respect for my sweet baby.

The next day... I brought Gabby to gymnastics for a makeup class. Some of the mommies from her regular class were also there for a makeup class. And, there were a few other mommies there as well who I did not know. The mommies from the regular class knew about Matteo's death. They're a really great group of mom's. Two of whom actually took the time and were able to come to Matt's funeral... even after only knowing us from gymnastics. I'm still amazed by that.

Anyway, one of the mom's who I've gotten to know but hadn't seen for a few weeks asked something about Gabby... maybe it was if she was extra tired or hot. I really can't remember exactly. Anyway... I replied with "Well, actually... one of her baby twin brothers died in his sleep on July 5th... so she's having a bit of a hard time focusing lately."

She immediately felt awful. She looked concerned. I could see tears in her eyes and a true look of pain and shock. She grabbed my arm and didn't know what to say but gave me the look that only a mom could give... that I am living her worst nightmare.

Sadly, I appreciate "the look". Afterall... I am... I am living every mom's worst nightmare. Every. Single. Day. Living the nightmare. I live it minute to minute. I wonder where the hell my child is and why he isn't here. I feel like someone should be bringing him back to me...that maybe it's just a matter of time. I wonder why he isn't coming back... where the hell did he go? And I wonder constantly why things like this happen to sweet angel babies, like Matteo.

Anyway, in less than 30 seconds... four mom's around me are crying. All had tears. All saying how they can't imagine. All not knowing the pain... but somehow saying comforting things even though I'm sure they had no idea what to say. There we were talking about Matteo... having a regular conversation, not avoiding the subject, and letting the conversation ride itself out. With tears. And, without tears. The crazy part is that this wasn't awkward for me. And oddly enough, I didn't dread the conversation with this group of ladies. I knew it was going to happen... but I didn't fear it. Maybe because I felt their support already. Maybe because they were mom's and we shared a common thread. I don't know.

Life is crazy. It's a wild ride. I didn't know how much of a wild ride it was until 15 days ago. I don't think anyone... that ANYONE... seriously... can imagine or even fully try to relate to the pain or feelings we experience on a daily basis. I don't even hope for them to do so. I know there are people out there who can relate to losing a child... and I am so sorry for that. I would never wish for anyone to know this pain. Perhaps they lost their child at a different age, most likely a different story or type of loss. I know with my whole heart that I can never fully know their pain. And, I don't expect anyone to understand what we're going through either. I mean... how COULD someone? You just can't. And, we know that. We understand.

Sometimes I will talk about Matteo. Sometimes I won't. Maybe I will tell you a story about him or a great memory. Maybe you'll tell me a story or memory of you and your children. Maybe you'll tell me a crazy story from your recent trip to the grocery store, a vacation, a night out, etc. And, I'll be interested and will listen to every last detail intently. Maybe you'll see me laughing. Maybe you'll see me crying. You might catch me at a moment where I am truly happy and having fun or enjoying a moment of life. And, that's ok... because in that moment... I probably am happy. But... maybe you'll call me and I won't answer the phone. Maybe I'm avoiding calls all together for that moment in time. Maybe I'm curled up in a ball crying... or sobbing like a child and just want to feel and live in that moment. Maybe I just don't "feel" like talking. Maybe I'm spending time with my kids. Maybe I'll answer the phone and will look forward to some interesting news/conversation that you can share with me... taking me out of my nightmare if only for 5 or 10 minutes. I've never been one to chat on the phone much, so don't take it personally. What I'm trying to say is that... some moments are good. And, some moments are so absolutely awful and painful. Neither are predictable.

Unfortunately and fortunately... life DOES move on. Regardless of if we want it to or not. And, we are trying each and every day to keep moving on. To come to grips with the fact that Matteo is gone. Even though it's impossible to believe sometimes... that I will never see or hold him again.

Dan and I do not want to spend every second of every day openly rehashing how sad we are or how horribly Matteo's death has changed our lives. But, we also will never, ever tiptoe around Matteo's name or who he was. We will never avoid him in conversation, nor will we ever want to. We DO still want and need to experience happy moments. We need to have enjoyable conversation. We need moments of laughter and fun. We need it for us, but more importantly... for Gabby, Rocco and baby Surprise. And, I hope that it gets a little easier with each passing day.

Matteo's our little Angel. He's our third child. Always will be. We will always wonder... what he would have looked like, how big he would be, how long his hair would be, what sports he'd enjoy, how smart he'd be, how proud he would make us, how much he would have enjoyed this particular visit to the park, or to the ballpark with his daddy and brother, or how much he liked visits to his Gammy and Papa's house.

We will always wonder. But, we will never forget.