A Moment...

I had a moment yesterday.

Anyone who knows me knows my stress-reliever and daily medicine is running. It's my Jodi-time.

But, I'm pregnant right now. So, I haven't been running as much as I normally would. And, that's been tough. The time in my life when I need to run the most... and I can't do it.

I ran the night I put Matteo down to sleep for the last time. It was dark out. It was the 4th of July. Fireworks were going off and I just let my mind wander as I watched the sky. I was worried about Matteo. Hoping he'd wake up in the morning and be feeling all better again. The temp had cooled a lot and it was great to be out in the fresh air. All seemed to be ok... my little guys were in bed and Gabby was curled up with her daddy on the sofa.

Now I would do anything to turn back the clock. I wish I would have let Matteo just sleep in my arms that night. Would it have changed things... I don't know. I just wish...

After Matteo died... it took me two weeks to get out on a run again. Mostly, because I just didn't have the energy. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. Nothing in our world was right. Everything was wrong. And, everthing still is. Just wrong and broken.

I think I've now run about 5 times since Matteo died. And, each time I just let myself cry.

Back in April... one of my very dear friends and my running buddy, Kathleen, and I were trying to plan our next race. We had just finished the Santa Cruz half-marathon and we were working on nailing down our next full marathon... with the hopes of qualifing for the Boston Marathon. We would need to shave less than 20 minutes off our time... and we thought it was doable. Not to mention, she had actually missed BQ time about 5 years ago on the San Francisco marathon course by 3 minutes. It was a goal within reach for sure.

Then... surprise... I got pregnant. And, I had to dog out on her.

Yesterday, the San Francisco marathon kicked off at 5:30am, sharp. And, I drove into the city so I could support my friend in reaching her lifetime goal, qualifing for the 2010 Boston Marathon. Afterall, she has been there for me more than I will ever be able to thank her for. This was the very, very least I could do. And, I was so excited and proud... I knew she'd finish in 3:45 or less.

I told her I wanted to run the last mile with her, so I could push her to the end. Quite honestly... as I was walking towards mile 25... I was so unsure as to whether I was going to be able to run with her. I've got a fast-growing belly and the last thing I wanted to do was slow her down.

While waiting for her... I was joined by another dear friend who was out of the country when Matteo died. She asked if I was "ok". I said I am never ok. I don't know what "ok" is anymore. I wasn't going to cry that morning. Not there at the race. But, I did. And there we were, cheering people on as they hit the 25th mile, and crying... for Matteo... and for how life is so flipping unfair sometimes.

Eventually, I saw Kathleen coming. There was less than a mile left to run with her. I got so excited and I popped out onto the race course. The first thing she said was "I have 7 minutes left." I said "that's not a problem because we'll be at the finish line in 4." And, I ran with her. I pushed her. I don't know how but I kept myself just a tad bit in front of her and repeatedly told her she can do it, she's almost there. I went into coach mode... and told her to push her shoulders back and pick her feet up... that she could do this. She was almost there! I was so proud of her. Then, I found myself at a loss for words as we got closer to the finish line... and there was only one thing going through my mind. So I said the ONE thing that kept going through my mind, even while I was tossing out all the other crap. I said "YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR MATTEO! Just do it for Matt." And she did. She did it. She did it for herself, her girls, her husband, her family... and I swear... she did it for Matteo too. I was so proud of her. I was happy and elated. Truly happy.

Right then and there... I experienced a moment of happiness... for something other than my two living children... for the first time in over three weeks.

So thank you, Kathleen... for letting me be a part of your success. Your victory. Your lifelong goal. And, thank you for letting me be a part of your happiness yesterday.