Losing a twin... is it doubly painful?

I sometimes find myself wondering if losing a twin/multiple baby makes the pain even more painful. Granted... I don't know a different type of loss. Just my own situation. And, of course... it's pure hell and painful beyond words.

Every minute of every day, we have Rocco... a little reminder of Matteo. Playing with us, teasing us, and running around being curious. It's impossible not to look at him and immediately think of Matteo. Afterall, they did EVERYTHING together. EVERYTHING. Never spent a day apart. Ever.

Twins are so interesting. And, since we have had the opportunity to experience both a singleton and multiples... we know the comparisons are incredible. Twins are more socially advanced in so many ways... afterall, every single waking minute of every day, they are having to learn things like sharing toys and cooperation (usually when getting into mischief of trouble). They sleep together for months from the moment they come out of the womb... and one, or both, always has a hand on the others face or they hold hands. It's amazing to look back at the photos of them sleeping as infants. Always, always touching each other. Then they begin to grow up and they start mimicing each other. A lot. Maybe it's screaming or trying a new sound or a word. Sometimes they see the other try a new food and the other immediately begins screaming/asking for the new food too. One might do something dangerous that they know they shouldn't be doing (Rocco). And, the other would be sure to follow fast (Matteo). They've got their own little communication between the two of them. They will say things to each other... half the time, not understandable to us at this point... and then they would be off to the races to get whatever it was they discussed. On a number of occasions, if the two of them were trapped in a doctor's office (which was so frequent)... Rocco would open the door and Matteo would start saying "GO, GO, GO!" while running out after his brother. It was as if they knew they had to go FAST... and had limited time before we busted them. It was a game to them... and the joke was on us. Oh how we loved the joke being on us... it was always entertaining. Everything was teamwork. Everything. Matteo was also becoming our little Rocco-alarm... he would witness Rocco doing something naughty and Matt would yell "No, Cocco no! Cocco no!" while waving his finger in the air and then he'd look at us, proud... as if to say "yeah mommy/daddy... I'm telling him he's being bad!" I could go on and on...

Dan and I REALLY, really, really miss the twin experience right now. A LOT. Ugh... it's like an additional empty hole in our hearts. Not as big or significant as Matteo not being with us. I think it's just that extra burn... the rotten icing on the cake of death.

Maybe it's because now we also look at Rocco each and every day and wonder if Matteo would have also said that new word today. We see Rocco hit the ball repeatedly off the T now... and wonder... hmmm... would Matteo have been doing that too? Or would he have still just preferred to catch.

Rocco seems to have grown a lot in the past week... physically and socially. Would Matteo have also put on some extra weight recently? Gotten a little taller? I can't help but think that every day for the rest of my life, I won't look at Rocco and instantly also think of Matteo EACH and EVERY time I see him... and just wonder. Wonder. Wonder. Wonder.

Socially... Rocco has changed SO much in the past week. His interactions with Gabby have increased significantly. His vocabulary has increased significantly... and he shows much more interest in learning words that we're speaking... not just his "twin talk" with his buddy that is no longer here to share in his daily adventures. Dan and I have felt that Rocco is also much more communicative and demanding of us. If he wants us to go somewhere with him.... he will physically move and point us in that direction... and then pull us over. Or, if he wants me to hold him, he will physically grab my legs, turn me to face him and hold up his arms. Prior to Matteo's death... if I had one baby at my leg wanting to be held, I most often had two. And, it was more of a screaming match between the two of them as to who would be picked up first. 95% of the time, I would pick them both up... at exactly the same time and hold them both like they were my little bear cubs. Totally proud momma! So proud of my BOYS! I would often look at them and wonder/dream about how handsome and charming they would both be someday... both so different and fabulous. I SO MISS my other little bear cub. Where IS my little baby? Where is he...

Having TWINS is just such a different experience. So demanding. So hard. But, so unbelieveably rewarding and fun. Especially as they get older and are interacting and playing and become the best of little buddies.

I think we'll also really miss hearing "the Martino brothers"... as people often referred to them as our "little mobsters" or the "Martino Mafia"... just based on their Italian names. I recall that when one of Dan's friends heard what we named them.... his first comment was "Dang. I REALLY hope my kid never bumps into your boys in a dark alley with his milk money someday."

Oh... how we already miss the thought of all the future funny little stories.

They were going to back each other up in life. They were going to be there for each other, through and through. They would defend and honor each other... even if they had their own little clashes. Rocco was going to be the pitcher and Matteo was going to be the catcher. Dan and I had talked a MILLION times how cute it would be to someday see the two of them in their little league outfits. The little Martino boys. They were going to gang up on their sister and tease her and tickle her. They were going to play practical jokes together on mommy, daddy and Gabby. They were going to have bunkbeds. They were going to stay up late and read comic books past their bedtime with flashlights... and switch who had the top or bottom bunk every other week. Matteo was going to be the studious one... because his concentration level was so high. He was going to be brilliant. Rocco would be the silly, goofy, fun one... maybe a little more of the class clown. Rocco would be the heart breaker and Matteo would get his heart broken... because he just loved SO much and really relied upon his close family relationships. They were complete opposites. Total opposites in every possible way. And, together, they were never EVER going to let their big sister go on a date with a looser. Never! They were going to be our little spies. Daddy's little helpers in protecting the family and the house.

Our little dudes. Brothers. Twins.

I think Rocco is already forgetting. I think Matteo is already just becoming a picture to him that he sees everywhere in our house right now. He will still see Matteo's picture and say "buddy". But... does he KNOW HOW MUCH they were buddies? Does he remember?

It all hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts BAD.

In the past two weeks... Rocco seems to have picked up some of the qualities that Matteo had, but that Rocco never really shared/showed us prior to Matteo's death. Rocco has on numerous occasions now, actually sat in my lap and snuggled for longer than 10 minutes. Prior to Matteo's death... it was difficult to get Rocco to sit for even 30 seconds in someone's lap. Rocco seems to have slowed down some... he seems to take a little more time when doing things. Just like Matteo would have. This in and of itself is very interesting... I'd be interested in reading/learning more about similarities to this in other twin losses, at any age. It's definitely there. There's no making behavioral stuff like this up.

So here we are neck deep in grief. And, for some reason... we seem to also be grieving the loss of Rocco's twin... his lifelong best friend and that whole "buddy" experience.

Matteo's gone. Rocco's twin is gone.

It all just SUCKS so bad.