What's next? Where do we go from here? How do we keep going... day to day? Why do I feel like a truck has run me over, at several different points throughout the day? Where is my third child? I know I have 3 kids, right? Where is my third baby... I swear he was just here. I should eat something... or drink something. I feel like I'm going to pass out. It's 2pm and I haven't eaten or drank anything. Totally not hungry. But, I know I need to eat. I eat something. Then, I look at a photo of Matt... or have a memory of Matt. I feel sick to my stomach... feel like throwing up. Food sucks. Everything sucks.
I hate having "extra" time... the time I would have spent taking care of sweet little Matteo... fixing his morning bottle and snuggling him for 2 hours straight. Why do I have free time now? Why do I have more time in my day? Why am I not cleaning up after three kids. Why am I not sitting playing blocks with Matt? Why am I not bathing three kids? Why is bathtime so quiet and calm now? This sucks. I want the chaos back. I want the crazyness back. I want to go through a gallon of milk every day again. I want to see my three babies playing. I want to be busy beyond belief again. Two kids is too easy. I want my third back... where is he?
It hurts to look at two highchairs, a bedroom with two cribs, two sets of some shirts, pants, etc. But, I'm not ready to let go of any of it yet... that would be like getting rid of Matt right now.
Why is it I can't sit down and watch "Go Diego, Go!" anymore... it sucks... Matteo should be here watching it. Where is he? I swear he was just here. Did someone just take him? To figure out what was wrong with him? Then, they'll bring him back to me, healthy, and tell me what was wrong with him... right? I'm waiting... still waiting. Maybe if I look out the door they'll bring him back...
Why does everything seem so abnormal? Will life ever feel normal again? Why can't I focus on a conversation? Why did I give my childhood telephone number when asked on the phone just yesterday what number was best to reach me at. So random. I haven't said that number in so long. Why am I forgetting things? Things I don't normally forget? Why am I so tired? What is wrong with me? Oh yeah... Matteo... he's gone. Right.
Why haven't they called to tell me why he died yet? Did I do something wrong? Why did he die? Did we miss a sign? I should have brought him to the ER. I should have paged the doctor. Why didn't I do those things? What was wrong with him. WHY DID HE DIE? WHY?! What will I tell Rocco someday... "Well, Rocco... in the beginning... you were a triplet... then, you were born with just a twin. Now you're the only one left." How will he feel? Ugh.
Gabby said she felt sick... "What? What's wrong? Are you hot? Does your tummy hurt? Why do you feel sick?" Is she warm? Watch her like a hawk. "Is Rocco acting normal?" Ok... it's ok. Nobody's sick. Calm down. But, what will I do the next time Rocco or Gabby has a fever? Overreact... probably.
We cremated my baby today. My. Sweet. Child. Was. Cremated. We witnessed it. I saw him one last time. I cut as much hair from the top of his head as I could. His hair was different. It wasn't fuzzy like it should be. He looked different. Even more different than on Saturday. It's not him anymore. It wasn't him on Saturday either... but even more not him today. That wasn't my child. My kid's the cute, bubbly, smiley, chubby-cheeked happy kid with a giggle that melts my heart. Best kid in the room. The one any parent would want to steal and could snuggle all night. That wasn't my baby in that casket. Where's Matteo?
They gave us his clothes that he's worn since last Thursday... aka, Day 4 of Hell. We put them in a bag. I opened the bag a few hours after I got home. I felt them... pulled them out. I smelled them. I cried. That's not how he smells. I don't want these clothes. That's not how my baby smells... these clothes smell like death or something. I smelled them again. I cried harder. Yuck. I can't stand this... I hate this. Death. Sucks.
Where's my third kid? I know we have one... where is he?
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Photo by Joni Girvan Photography
The Family - November 2013
Photo copyright Audrey Perez Photography
The Family - November 2008
Matteo's Dream Fund, Inc
Matteo's Dream Fund is an official 501(c)(3) non-profit organization, dedicated to benefit sick and terminally ill children at children's hospitals throughout the USA. To learn more about us, our mission and events, please visit http://matteosdreamfund.com
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May 7, 2012 | Four of my kiddos...
Photo by Joni Girvan Photography
Matteo (photo taken July 2, 2009)
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33 comments:
I am praying for peace, comfort, and strength for you. May you feel God's loving arms wrapped around you.
Praying for you from Dallas...may God give you peace.
Have faith..hope, his home, safe in the arms of Jesus, you all will one day be together again, and this time you it will be forever.
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
(Psalm 27:14)
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof.
(Psalm 46:1-3)
I'll be praying for you and your family..
Praying you feel a peace that surpasses ALL understanding! Cry out to Jesus, He will give you comfort and rest.
I don't even know what to say to you....except my heart breaks for you and your family and I'm sorry. Just know there's a mom in South Carolina reading your blog, caring even though I don't know you and just came upon your blog recently. I have twin boys and this makes it all the harder to read. Take things day by day and know it is okay to be angry and sad. Take time to grieve....it will be a long process. Again, I'm sorry. I wish I could just give you a hug.
Praying for you. May the Lord wrap His loving arms around you and comfort you.
Em
From Australia
My heart is breaking for you. You and the family are in my prayers daily.
Continuing to pray for your family -- I hope you feel comfort and that God grants you peace.
Praying for you from Houston.
I wish I had just one answer for you, one that would take away one tiny stress, but I'm sorry, I don't. But what I do have are open ears to hear your loving stories about Matteo, open arms to provide a hug and a smile to provide an ever so brief pick-me-up. We continue to think about you and the entire family.
Hello...Ive been reading your blog just a few days now. You and your family are in my prayers. I wanted to pass along a family blog The Jackson family: http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com/
They also suffered the loss of a child, their daughter at a very young age just over a year ago. I have been reading them for a while and find comfort in their posts.
Peace and comfort to you in this hard time.
Thank you for sharing your son with his -- you are helping all of us to remember to not sweat the small stuff with our kids and to appreciate every moment.
My prayers and deepest sympathies are with your family.
My heart is broken for your family. I am so very sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine....
I pray you are able to find some peace.
Praying for you from Birmingham, AL. Matteo was a beautiful child and he was lucky to have a Mommy like you!
I am absolutely heartbroken for you. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for the loss of your son =( Thank you for sharing his story with us. And for continuing to write. It may seem hard at times to verbalize what you're feeling, but just putting it in writing is more therapeutic for you and helpful for those going through something similar, than you could ever imagine.
I am among the many strangers whom you have never met and more than likely never will, but I feel compelled to write to you...
I cannot begin to comprehend your loss. All I can do is say how sorry I am...
My best friend lost her husband on September 11th. At the time her children were 12, 9 and 2. She was given a book to help her children understand where their Daddy might have gone. I have found it to be extremely comforting throughout the last 8 years as other losses have occurred. It is written from the perspective of the person who has passed away. Although the person described in the book is older than your Matteo, the words are comforting none the less.
The illustrations are spectacular and you, Dan, Gabby and Rocco can maybe (at some point) begin to take comfort in the fact that Matteo (and your Baby C) are together in The Next Place. That is the title of the book, The Next Place by Warren Hanson.
"The next place that I go will be as peaceful and familiar as a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet... it won't be anything like any place I've ever been... or seen... or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind.
I won't know where I'm going, and I won't know where I've been as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.
I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why."
The book continues in this soothing prose...
I would also ask that even in this MOST STRESSFUL time that you take care of yourself and your baby Surprise... I know it must be excruciating to think about the seemingly mundane things, but taking care of yourself is so important for your new little one... please, please take care of yourself...
Thinking about you all and wishing you peace...
I learned of your story from a friend and as a mother of 3 (the youngest being 9 mos. old) I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are going through right now. Take comfort in knowing there are MANY people out there thinking of and praying for your family and your precious son.
God I wish I could tell you it will get better. We're suffering with you...as a community of parents. It's not fair - life sucks. But know that YOU'RE. NOT. ALONE. Please know that there is a world of people suffering with you. We're holding your hands and walking this path with you. Matteo has touched the lives of many. He is an Angel in Heaven and will always be watching over his siblings. If I've read your story right...you have 4 children and 1 on the way. Matteo joined his sibling in Heaven - you now have 2 Angels among you. Stay stong but weep if you need to. Let the world catch your tears and hold on to you while you heal.
Oh Jodi, I am so so heartbroken for you. I can't quit thinking about you and the incredible pain you must be in. I feel so sick for you. Please don't ever feel that you did anything wrong. You did what all of us parents do when our babies are sick. You called the doctor, gave the Tylenol and loved your little guy. Whatever this was, was most definitely NOT your fault in any way. I can tell by your blog what an amazing mother you are. I don't understand why these things happen in life. I just wish there was something that could be said that would stop your heart from breaking and the pain that you're in. Please know that you are thought of constantly. I pray for you and your family continuously through my day. I know many others are holding you up in prayer. Jodi, please take care of yourself and your precious little surprise. I know the Lord is holding you in the palm of is hand. Again, I am so saddened by the loss of your amazing beautiful little boy. God Bless you Jodi.
Heidi
I can hardly read your words Jodi. The pain is too real. And then where my mind goes . . . oh it hurts. But you know what? I'm reading them. I'm reading them because I don't want you to be alone in your grief. My pain comes to the surface when I read your words because some of them I can understand (not all of them). I want to tell you - Yes! I smelled my daughter's clothes too. I have held on to the things she wore the day I held her dead in my hands. I want to tell you, not so you think about me and my pain, but so you don't feel alone. But then I know, I remember, being alone is sometimes part of the pain. And I feel so helpless. "Peace for Jodi" is on my mind and in my heart all the time. -Abby
Praying for you in Indiana.
I am so sorry and sadened by your loss...at the same time I am encouraged by your strength and by the absolute faith in heaven that this has given you. I know that Jesus is holding your little one in his arms until the day that you are able to do that again. I am praying for you and your family.
Our family aches for you - and we are praying for you...
Oh Jodi, how I ache for you. I can't imagine the emptiness that you are feeling. You are still in the front of my mind. This loss makes NO SENSE. I continue to pray for you, Dan & your precious children. I imagine that Matteo & baby C are playing together in heaven.
Jodi your ability to express the inexpressible is astounding. I hope writing is bringing you some measure of comfort, or at least some organization to your thoughts and emotions that must seem like giant, unclimbable rocks that must nevertheless be negotiated on a daily basis.
At the very least, I must assure you that your words are, in fact, teaching the rest of us, whether we have had tragedy in our lives or not, how to cope with grief. Both you have Dan have amazed me in this respect from the beginning, and you have my deepest admiration.
I know these days can be to the toughest--when everyone goes back to their lives and you are left with a very new and all encompassing mourning process. Please know that you are in our thoughts every day, and I have been deeply moved from the beginning at how you have been able to express the inexpressible, word the unwordable, and show us all what strength and love truly is in a time of tragedy and loss.
Sincerely,
Dave Miller
I have been reading all of your blogs and now I have read your latest and I sit here crying in the dark while my 3 kids are sleeping. All I can think of was how much I snapped at them today, and how I couldn't wait for them to go to sleep so I can have a little time to myself. You remind me that I should not sweat the small things and that I should take every second with my kids as a gift...Jodie, so Matteo's death is not in vain...I will promise to hug my kids tighter and have more patience. My whole family has been praying for Matteo and his family every night during bedtime prayers and I think of you every day! Keep the posts going. I am sure it will help to write and share your words and to know your angel has touched so many lives! Take comfort in knowing we are taking care of you with our thoughts and prayers! Maybe we will meet some day as we are good friends with Patty LaValle. I will give you a big hug! Be strong and grieve as you need but know we are all there for you and your family! God Bless you!! Wendy Reyes and family in Kansas City
I have been reading all of your blogs and now I have read your latest and I sit here crying in the dark while my 3 kids are sleeping. All I can think of was how much I snapped at them today, and how I couldn't wait for them to go to sleep so I can have a little time to myself. You remind me that I should not sweat the small things and that I should take every second with my kids as a gift...Jodie, so Matteo's death is not in vain...I will promise to hug my kids tighter and have more patience. My whole family has been praying for Matteo and his family every night during bedtime prayers and I think of you every day! Keep the posts going. I am sure it will help to write and share your words and to know your angel has touched so many lives! Take comfort in knowing we are taking care of you with our thoughts and prayers! Maybe we will meet some day as we are good friends with Patty LaValle. I will give you a big hug! Be strong and grieve as you need but know we are all there for you and your family! God Bless you!! Wendy Reyes and family in Kansas City
Praying for strength for you and your family daily. Matteo's story is helping many of us remember to hold our babies a little tighter tonight. What an amazing and powerful little guy!
Jodi, I found your blog through Joy Larkin. I have sobbed for you & your family. I am so incredibly sorry. My heart aches for your pain. I have prayed every night for peace & comfort to find you.
Sometimes in the middle of the day, I will stop & think of Matteo and it takes my breath away. And I have to blink back the tears.
When I rock our son to sleep, I look at the clock and wonder what you must be going through. Tears fill my eyes & an ache in my soul for your pain.
Matteo's passing has changed me in the way that I no longer rush through everything & I don't take anything for granted.
Thank you for taking the time out of your life to share with all of your grief & sorrow. Your words are so beautiful & eloquent. So raw & filled with emotion.
Matteo was such a beautiful gift. Hugs to you & your family.
Jodi- I don't think a day goes by that I haven't thought about you and your family since I heard about Matteo. I wish I could take your pain away and give you the biggest hug. Your blog is amazing and I find myself reading your blog updates over and over. I'm praying that each day somehow gets easier for you and your family. I'm praying you feel some comfort and peace soon.
I am so sorry for all you and your family is going through right now. No words can make this better. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I think of your family often. We also have 3 children, a girl and twin boys. I pray that you will find peace and comfort! God bless!!
I am an old friend of Cindy's. I have followed your blog since last Monday. I am heartbroken for you and your family! The pain and anguish must be unbearable. I admire your courage and strength for sharing your thoughts and feelings during this traumatic experience. Please know that there are a lot of people thinking and praying for you... and holding their children a little closer. I still cannot get through the fact that all you did was lay him down to sleep after a day of on and off fever and the next day he was gone! I know I have done this about a dozen times with my 2 kids. Please know that his passing was not in vain and that a lot of parents like me will cherish their children even more. Please let us know the results from the coroner's office so that we parents can be aware of what caused this and what we can do to prevent this. Thank you again for sharing with us and may god's warm embrace give you some level of comfort during this very difficult time. Best wishes from the Marin family.
Jodi
I read about your tragedy on Facebook. I graduated highschool one year before you. We have similar families. I had IVF to have my 7 year old daughter, 5 year old twin daughters, and now a two month old son. I went back through all of your blogs and I could relate to the craziness of three children so close in age. I can't even begin to imagine your pain and suffering. It must be a living hell. I pray that you find peace. Just know that you have touched my life forever. I think of you everytime I hold my babies. May God keep you and your family in his care.
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