Mommy's Letter to Matteo

Read by Jodi during Matteo's memorial service/funeral.

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My Dear Sweet Baby Matteo,

I usually don’t have a difficult time finding words. But, for the first time in my life, I’m really struggling.

So many things to say… and I don’t know where to begin.

My heart is broken. Completely broken. I ache for you with a pain that I have never before known and I’m not yet sure how to manage.

I am so thankful that we spent last Friday together as a family. And, I am so thankful I was able to care for you and snuggle and love you all day last Saturday. If only I would have known that it was going to be my last day with you. I wouldn’t have taken my eyes off of you for a single moment, or ever put you down to sleep by yourself. I would have held you all night long. Even if I would have known you were going to die… I would have held you so you wouldn’t have to be scared, so you would feel loved, and so you would know you weren’t alone.

The night you died… I had prayed to God. I said “Dear God, please take care of my sweet baby Matteo. He is very sick, he has a 104.3 fever and really needs your help so he can get better fast. I don’t know what is wrong with him – but he doesn’t deserve to be sick anymore.” Now, I find myself wondering if that is the moment in which God decided to make you an angel. He took you exactly one year to the day in which you were baptized. How I wish you would have woken me up in that instant so I could run to your room and make you come back to us.

When I first saw you Sunday morning. I knew instantly you were gone and you had been for a while. I knew in my heart and soul that you were now an angel among us. But, I couldn’t put you down. I didn’t want to let you go.

Mommies are supposed to make you feel better. We fix things, give hugs and kisses and help make the pain go away. As your mommy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from whatever took you away from us that horrible night. I find myself desperately trying to make sense of it all… and that is very, very difficult.

Over the past few nights, I’ve found comfort in looking at the moon and stars. There was a really bright star in the sky on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night. It was brighter than any other star out there. I hoped and wanted to believe so desperately that it was you… telling me you were ok. You were safe. You didn’t feel sick anymore and you were happy up in Heaven and would watch over us forever.

I find myself constantly yearning and looking for signs of your presence. I hear birds chirping... and I tell Gabby that it’s you telling us “Good Morning”. I see a random bird fly by… and I tell Gabby it’s you just checking in on us. Little Matt… if only you knew how lost I feel right now… and how sad and empty I am without you here in my arms.

Everything about life seems different now. Absolutely EVERYTHING. You’ve changed me to the core of who I thought I was.

In my mind I can still see you clearly. I can smell you. I can still feel you burrowing into my shoulder. I can feel your hair between my fingers. I just can’t believe you’re gone. And, I’m so scared to not see your face clearly anymore and to lose my sense of feeling you.

What I do know is that your daddy and I could not be more proud of who you were.

You were and will remain in our memories, the absolute PERFECT child.

You are a child every parent would brag about. You were the happiest little baby I have ever known. Always smiling and full of hugs and kisses. I loved how I could snuggle up to you for hours and how you would be perfectly content. I loved watching you observe the world you lived in… never in a hurry… just taking in each moment, perfectly comfortable with quiet play time, and interacting with those who loved you. You were as content in this world as you were in my womb. Always a gentle soul… so loving… and an absolute angel from the start.

You were beautiful and handsome and I so looked forward to seeing the man you would become.

For someone with such a short life… there are so many things I already miss.

I miss
* Seeing your big happy smile and hearing your silly happy laugh.
* Your wiggles and dances.
* Your beautiful, handsome face, your golden suntanned skin, your perfect feet and hands and your fuzzy, curly, white-boy fro mohawk hair.
* Seeing you greet your brother every morning with a big smile and a hug and kiss.
* Seeing you throw your right arm up in the air, and yell “Dadaaaaaaa!” to always greet your daddy.
* Seeing Dan hold and hug you, and you nuzzling into his shoulder.
* Seeing Gabby hug and kiss you and love all over you, and you loving it.
* Seeing Rocco kiss you on the lips. Seeing you kiss Rocco. Seeing the two of you hug… and do all those crazy things only twins do.
* Hearing you say “Eyes”… and then reaching over to slowly poke your brother in the eye.
* You burying your head in my shoulder and hiding your face when someone new was within arm’s reach of us. And you pretending like they couldn’t see you just because your face was buried… and then your sudden glances to them with your silly crazy eyes face.
* Seeing you get SO excited to see me, and having you and Rocco fight over me.
* Seeing you play so contently for hours with all your blocks and toys.
* Seeing you ride the rocking horse and cruising on your toy trucks throughout the house and up and down the neighborhood sidewalks.
* Seeing and hearing multiple twin battles take place throughout the day… over toys, blankets, sippy cups and bottles.
* Seeing Rocco steal food off your tray.
* Hearing your precious voice and growing vocabulary.

Matt, I want you to know your precious little soul has touched so many people. You have impacted more people in one week than I could EVER hope to impact in my lifetime. Your daddy and I have received so many wonderful letters from people we know and people we don’t know. We have had so many conversations this week about what people have learned from you. Because of you, more mommies and daddies are spending extra time with their sweet babies... more hugs are being given… more kind words are being exchanged… priorities are changing... and a deeper sense of understanding and patience is spreading around the globe like wildfire. Such an amazing feat for a young little man. And for that, I am an incredibly proud mommy.

In losing you… you have taken away my fear of death. I now have absolutely no doubt that Heaven exists and I KNOW I will see you again someday. I don’t know when… but I do believe and know I will see you again. Knowing that you are in Heaven makes it seem oddly welcoming. I SO look forward to the day I will see your beautiful face again and am able to hold you in my arms. But this time… I will NEVER let you go.

Until then sweet angel, Matt, please watch over your sister, brother and baby Surprise. Keep them safe and please help to guide them in troubling times. Please watch over your daddy and I, and help us find strength in each other while we struggle in this new life without you. Please be a guardian to your cousins, aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, and all of our dear and beloved friends.

Matteo – I do KNOW you are an angel. I know you are with us. And, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me be your mommy… for sharing your life with us… and for being so perfectly, PERFECTLY you. You will continue to live on in my heart and soul. Forever. And, not a minute of every day will pass without me thinking of you.

I love you sweet precious baby.