Pumpkin Patch Fun

We love the month of October. Not only do we love the cool, crisp air… but we love the leaves changing color, football, and HALLOWEEN!

Dan put our orange house lights up the first weekend of October. The kids LOVED it, tried to help Dan quite a bit and spent a large portion of the morning jumping up and down yelling “We love Halloween!” They also helped with putting up a few decorations inside the house. And, they LOVED doing the crafty Halloween art projects sent to me by some very dear friends, who every month since Matteo has died, send me a little care package to let me know they’re thinking of Matteo and us. They are an amazing group of thoughtful ladies!

A few weeks ago we met some good friends at our usual pumpkin patch for a morning of fun. The kids loved it. We rode a train around the farm and by multiple scarecrow displays. The kids (and Dan!) rode a cow train. I’m still wondering how Dan got in and out of his “cow”. We went on a hayride through a corn and merry gold flower field and on a carousel. The kids ran through a Dora corn maze. Gabby rode a pony named “Blue” and sucked down a very large Icee. Rocco got to dance to a band and eat some of daddy’s tri-tip sandwich. After all of that, we went into a giant pumpkin patch. Seriously - GIANT! Gabby and Rocco both enjoyed picking out their own pumpkins. Well, actually… what Rocco enjoyed most was trying to LIFT every pumpkin he saw. He’d be grunting and groaning and working so hard to lift them. It was crazy cute… such a manly little man!

We also picked out pumpkins for Matteo and baby Surprisette. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about Matteo the entire day. Because I did. He should have been there with us. He would have loved every minute of it. I wish with all my heart I could have watched him run and wiggle through the pumpkin patch with his brother and sister. I wish he could have picked his own pumpkin. I thought about how he & Rocco would have tried to lift the pumpkins together. I know he would have loved the train ride and the hay ride. And, he would have loved seeing everything on this big farm. He would have taken it all in, noticing every little detail… and he probably would have said “Wowwww… wowww!!” a million times.

It felt wrong taking a photo of JUST Gabby and Rocco at the pumpkin patch. Matt should have been in it too. But, he wasn’t. And, it felt awkward and wrong when my friend took a “family” photo of just the four of us. It just doesn’t feel right… because we’re missing Matteo. He’s supposed to be in these photos with us. He’s part of our family. But, he’s gone. He should have been there with us.

It sucks beyond words knowing he won’t be dressing up for Halloween and celebrating Dan’s birthday with us. It is all still so unbelievable at times. As parents – we feel cheated. My kids were cheated too. They deserved more time with their brother.

Matt’s death still very much hurts. It’s physically painful. Certain days are livable and ok, pain-wise. Other days and events feel like someone is taking a knife to your chest and stabbing you repeatedly.

There are no words to describe the pain that lives within you daily when you lose a child. It’s beyond awful, painful, tragic, horrific, nightmarish, frustrating… and it makes you angry at time. Angry - because you feel like he was cheated out of so much. We were cheated. And, his siblings were cheated.

Rocco is always so interested in knowing where everyone is lately. If someone leaves the room… or if he just woke up and hasn’t seen someone yet that day, he’s constantly asking “Where daddy go?”, “Where Gabby go?”, or “Where momma go?”. It kills me that he doesn’t ask “Where buddy/Matteo go?” But, then again… a part of me wonders if the reason he’s always wondering where everyone is, is because he wanted to ask the question repeatedly after Matt died… but at the time he just didn’t have the words. At the time, he would just go to Matt’s crib and say “Tao?” or look in the mirror and say “Tao?” and cry. I often wonder if he still wonders where his buddy went. I hope so. I hope he remembers Matt.

We wish you were here with us, Matatoe. And, we’re always thinking of you 'lil buddy.

Jumping On My Heart

Today sucked. Today was difficult beyond words and I don’t even know why or how it was, but it was.

I’m at work and I get a phone call on my cell from a hospital number. I immediately assume it’s one of the doctor’s I’m needing to talk with about work-related stuff, so I answer it.
Caller: “Hi. Are you the parent of Matteo Martino?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “We need to get some updated insurance information for Matteo.”
Me: “Ummm… for what? Can you tell me why you need this?”
Caller: “Oh, well he is scheduled for his 6 month post-op audiology appointment on such and such date and….”
Me: Breathless. Heart in my throat. I’m at work. Thinking how I can’t spit out “My child died 16 weeks ago” because I will start crying uncontrollably and won’t be able to stop.
Me: “Um. You won't be needing it.”
Caller: Clearly confused. “Ok… so… do you want me to cancel the appointment.”
Me: “Yes. Please cancel it.”

I hang up the phone. Tears start flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I look at Matt’s photo and all I can think is how he should be here. He SHOULD be having this appointment. Rocco will be having his appointment. I think “why didn’t they ask about Rocco’s insurance?” and then remember that I didn’t recently cancel Rocco’s insurance. I canceled Matt’s. Life just keeps going and going and my poor sweet baby is forever stuck and frozen in time at 17 months and 25 days old. He took his last breath on July 4th. And, he’s dead. Gone. Forever. And, I miss him more than I could ever possibly explain. And, it physically hurts… this pain… this loss. And, I would do anything, ANYTHING to sob right here, right now at my desk, if it wouldn’t freak the hell out of my coworkers. So, I sob silently. I take deep breaths. And, I continue wiping my eyes and my nose. And, I keep telling myself to think happy thoughts. But, I can’t. Because I miss Matt so bad it kills me inside. And, I feel alone. I wish I could jump into a hole and just cry.

This phone call… it felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground… and then proceeded to jump on it a million times, while I was watching.

I tried my hardest to pull myself together. But, I couldn’t.

And, I broke down tonight. I sobbed in Dan’s arms for what felt like forever. I want my baby back. I miss him SO much. So. Much. It. Hurts.

I want to know what he would look like right now… and what words he’d be saying. Rocco is so much bigger now and has so many words. I want Rocco to ask “Where Matteo go?”… but he doesn’t. And, that kills me. I want him to have memories of his brother. And, I feel like the more time that passes the chances of him remembering his twin get slimmer and slimmer.

And, Matt should be here for Halloween… and Dan’s birthday this week. He should have been here to enjoy the beautiful weather we had over the weekend. He should have been able to go on a walk with Gabby, Rocco and I on Sunday… and see the beautiful sunset. Instead, I had to tell them that Matteo made the sunset so beautiful… for us… because he’s an angel… and angels have super powers. Matteo would have loved seeing all the colors of fall. He would have taken it all in like he did everything in life. He was such an observant little guy.

Sixteen weeks… and not a minute of the day passes without me thinking about my little angel. Not a single minute.

Recent Updates

Things have been busy around here. Maybe that's a good thing. I find it hard to believe we're approaching the end of October.

The kids have been growing a lot... both getting a few inches taller since Matteo died. I'd also guess that Rocco has gained 2lbs since mid-July. I can only imagine Matteo would have been right there with him in the weight gain. They weighed the same, 28lbs, when Matteo died.

Rocco's talking skills have improved immensely and he’s hit that point where we can no longer keep track of the words because there are so many. Matteo's speech was a little more advanced than Rocco's... words seemed to come easier to that little guy. And, since they had their own little language, I think it delayed both of them wanting/needing to learn words as quickly as singleton babies. Anyway, Rocco says new words and short sentences every day now. Some of the funnier things he’ll say include:
* “Where’d Gabby go?” (or daddy or mommy)
* “Airplane! Airplane! Bye, bye airplane!”
* “No! Don’t DO that!” (He’ll say this when Dan is tickling Gabby, if we have to take something away from him or do something he doesn't want us to do.)
* “I want a sip!”
* "Tank you, momma!" (His version of "thank you"; always so good with his manners without any reminders.)

Rocco is great at identifing body parts, and he'll happily point out his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, shoulders, hands, fingers, belly, butt, knees, feet and toes.

Rocco's favorite toys now include balls, cars and trains. He seems to ALWAYS be carrying around one of these things. He is built like such a little athlete... and he's got the ball throwing skills to prove it!

Rocco has also amazed us in recent months with actually sitting and listening nicely when we read him a story. Granted... he doesn't sit long. But, he can usually make it through his favorite book about animals, and can now tell us what these animals say:
* Cow
* Doggy
* Horse
* Frog
* Ducky
* Kitty-cat
* Sheep
* Bumble Bee (Buzzzzzzzz)
* Birdy
* Butterfly (he'll wave his hands in the air and say "fly")
* Ghost (ok... so this isn't an animal... but he loves to say "Boo!")

Rocco runs everywhere. Every day seems to bring new bumps and bruises. Meal times consist of him eating good for 3 minutes... followed by him jumping down from his chair, running around, and then running back for a few bites when he feels like it. He's learned to climb up onto the kitchen counters without any help from a chair, etc. He LOVES to help me cook (stir things, pour seasonings in, etc.). Lately, the strangest thing is that he LOVES a set of our black kitchen tongs. He knows the drawer they are in and he'll go around the house trying to pick everything up with the tongs. It's such a bummer though when he insists on eating with the tongs... because food gets EVERYWHERE. Literally. And recently, all food tastes better off of daddy's plate... hence the taco photo above.

Gabby is loving pre-K and her new teachers. We've been working a lot with her on her letters... identifing them and knowing the sounds they make. Sometimes, we'll go through flashcards before bed with her and she will consistently only trip on a few letter sounds. She has become much more interested in coloring and drawing and painting. I think this has to do with the fact that Sarah (our au pair) will color with her for at least an hour straight on M, W, F's. Prior to this... Gabby would say "Let's color..." and then she would proceed to art direct and instruct you on the colors to use and what to color. Gabby also continues to enjoy helping me cook and back... she too likes to pour stuff into the bowl and stir.

Gabby is still obsessed with princesses. She has told us on numerous occasion that "Belle is my mommy and the Beast is my daddy". She can often be seen and heard, dancing through the house, singing the "Beauty & the Beast" theme song. She'll get this little sparkle in her eye and acts very princess-like while she's doing this. She's always dressing up in costume dresses... and loves to color in princess coloring books.

Gabby is also quite the fashionista. Only Gabby can choose her outfit for the day. If we try to choose her outfit, it begins a long and difficult battle that I don't choose to fight. She's also gotten into the habit of bringing an extra pair of shoes with her to school... glittery/sparkly/princess shoes. Interestingly enough, the teacher seems to be completely understanding of this fashion statement. Gabby is also still in gymnastics and started soccer in September.

The favorite cartoon these days seems to be old-school "Tom & Jerry". And the favorite game in the house is "get you" (involves Dan chasing the two of them through the house) and "hide & go seek". Rocco is definitely a great little hider! You'll often hear Gabby giggling... but Rocco will stay very quiet and still. Dan will also spend time wrestling Rocco... and Rocco gets VERY jealous if Gabby gets into the mix of it. It quickly brings back memories for both Dan & I about all the jealous moments you have to face and can't avoid with toys and/or attention when it comes to having multiples. So often throughout the day, one little guy would be crying due to the other little guy stealing a toy or getting to the mommies legs/lap first.

I asked Gabby she wanted to be for Halloween, and her answer was "I want to be Belle and Rocco is going to be the Beast". This of course only makes me wonder what costume she would have suggested for Matt.

The kids hug each other often. They get very excited to see each other when they've been apart. And, we couldn't be more proud or love them more. It just breaks our heart though not having Matteo here with us every day. It hurts to know that Gabby & Rocco aren't making memories WITH him anymore... and it is still almost BEYOND incredibly lonely to watch just the two of them playing together. And, even more painful to watch Rocco playing alone. It's still a sight I am just not used to seeing... and I'm not sure when I will get more comfortable with it. We're always missing our little dude. Always.

The weeks seem to fly by. Nights still seem to last way too long. And, I still dread nightfall. The 4th and 5th of every month suck... as I'm sure they always will. Every Saturday night stings with memories and thoughts of "I wish I would have...". Every Sunday morning is a bitter reminder of how many weeks it's been since I last saw my sweet baby... and everything we lost when he left us.

Rocco still points at Matteo's photos and says "buddy". He'll hold my Flip video camera up to me and say "buddy" when he wants to watch a video of him playing with Matt or of Matt alone.

Gabby and I always talk to Matt before we go to sleep at night... we tell him about our day and how much we miss him and wish he was still with us. We ask him to watch over us and keep us safe... such a big task for a little man. Our last words always seem to be "Goodnight Matatoe. We love you."

If I wake up during the night (which is often, since I'm very prego), it takes forever to fall back asleep because I instantly think of Matteo. I think of him immediately and see his face in my mind. I wish a million things in life were different and am haunted by the look on my sweet baby boy's face as Dan passed him to me in our doorway... without telling me he was dead... but me already knowing. And, I play that scene over and over in my head... probably close to 60 times a day.

I still cry when I go on walks by myself. I cry when I type blog posts like this. I cry when I look at the storage box filled with all of Matt's short little life of belongings, and proof that he existed. I cry in Dan's arms. It's my therapy. I spend lots of time looking at photos of him and have put his beautiful face everywhere throughout our home. I like to see his face often... I don't know why... perhaps it helps me feel he's still with us. I am still in a phase where I prefer to not really talk on the phone. I prefer to drive in the car with the radio off... I like it silent. So I can think.

I continue to find myself breaking down, crying at random moments every day. I still think of Matteo every single minute of the day. He is always front of mind. Always.

Super Soccer Kick!

Gabby started soccer back in September. She loves it!

What's even better is that her two best buddies from school are in her same soccer class.

It's been great for her and she looks forward to it every week. She runs right out and participates so well in all the running, kicking and games they play. And, she's got a super soccer kick for an almost 4 year old!

The kids don't have uniforms of any sort. But, they are required to wear shin guards. So, Gabby went with her daddy to pick out a special pair... in pink, of course. I have to admit I liked her color choice.. she looks super cute & sporty when she puts them on!

Here are a few photos from last weekend's soccer practice:


















Clearly... the coaches really exhaust the kids with all the fun:

3 Months. And, no answers.

Today marks three months.

Three months ago, we woke to discover Matteo Tate dead in his crib. He was just short of 18 months old. He was fighting a fever for the approximate 30 hours before his death.

I hoped with all my heart that we would have had an answer by now as to why Matt died. But, we don't. And, that I can assure you is a very, very difficult thing to swallow and understand. As his mother, it is gut-wrenching. It makes me physically ill at times. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me feel completely vulnerable to accidents of any sort, and death.

The really sucky part is that the coroner/Dr. J is about to close the case on Matteo's case. I’ve spoken with her twice in the past two weeks.

She went as far as sending Matt's organ/tissue samples to Stanford for review by a world-renowned pathologist. He agreed with her, in that every one of Matt’s organs (heart, lungs, brain, spleen, liver, kidney, etc.) looked very healthy. Matteo had slightly enlarged tonsils, indicative that he was fighting a virus of some sort. But, other than that, Matteo was a healthy little boy.

Ok... again... I don't understand. WHAT? Then, why on EARTH is our child dead? Someone explain this to me. Please. PLEASE?!

Three months of missing our little buddy. Three. Months. If you have asked me three months ago if I could go on living like this, I would have seriously doubted it. But, I have. We all have. And, we continue living. Every day. It's harder than hell... but we do it. For our two other children. For Baby Surprisette. For Matt. Without Matt. And, it sucks.

There are hundreds of known viruses. But, as we've learned in recent months... hospitals can only test for a handful of those viruses on living tissue and blood samples.

Apparently, the challenge can be far greater when it comes to running the same tests on post-mortem tissue. Some of the viruses/bacteria are nearly impossible to grow.

Of the tests the coroner was able to complete on Matteo, these are the results that have been shared with us:
• Pneumonia - negative
• Meningitis - negative
• Meningococal - negative
• H1N1 (Swine Flu) - negative
• Influenza - negative
• Dehydration – negative
• Myocarditis – no signs
• Anomalous left coronary artery – no signs
• Brain aneurism – no signs
• Febrile Seizure – no signs
• SIDS – completely ruled out, due to the fact Matt was over 1 year of age
• Toxicology report showed one item: Acetaminophen (Tylenol), of normal levels

Per our pediatrician’s suggestion after Rocco’s 5 day fever, we went ahead and had his blood drawn to test for mono/EBV. We’re still awaiting results. The first result was inconclusive, partly due to a lab error.

Then, I need to let the Dr. J know what the results are. If negative, she closes Matteo’s case. If positive, there may be another test the coroner’s lab does. There may not be.

Dr. J could not perform the EBV/mono test on Matteo due to the fact that the bacteria is next to impossible to grow from post-mortem tissue.

I also asked Dr. J again if she could guesstimate Matteo's time of death. It's difficult to do with absolute certainty, due to the fact that he was dead for hours before we discovered him. But, she estimates it was closer to the 10pm-12am hours on July 4th, versus the very early hours of July 5th.

It is beyond difficult to think that my sweet baby boy, died from a random virus that we can’t pinpoint. In today’s world of vaccines and hand washing… my child died from being sick. He had a fever. And, we had no way of knowing that this fever was different from any other he had experienced over his lifetime.

That’s hard to swallow.

It’s still hard to think I will never see him again. Never hold him again. Never smell him and snuggle with him again. Never see him playing with Rocco and Gabby again.

It beyond hurts.

People ask if it’s getting easier with time. People ask if it helps knowing another baby is on the way. And, I sometimes want to scream “NO!” at the top of my lungs and cry at what seems like such an insensitive comment/question. But, I don’t. I don’t because I know they have no way of understanding what we’ve gone through, or how we feel. There is no way they could truly know our loss. No possible way.

You can try to imagine what it’s like. Maybe you have a child around 18 months… or older, or younger. And, maybe you try to “imagine” not seeing them, holding them or hearing their precious little voice for 3 months. But in reality… you still get to do that every day. We don’t. We won’t again. Ever. Not with Matteo. He’s gone. Nobody and nothing can or will ever replace him. He’s our loss. Our big, huge, gigantic loss. We will never see his full potential… the great man he was supposed to grow up to be. We will never be witness to more of the crazy and fun twin antics between Matt and Rocco. We'll always look at Rocco and think and wonder what Matteo would have done, been, looked like.

You will never know quite how we feel unless you’ve experienced a loss like this.

24 Weeks and 6 Days

Baby Surprisette is now 24 weeks and 6 days along.

I've been able to feel her kick and move since 16 weeks, but until a few weeks ago, she seemed to be pretty mellow. She's now getting to be much more active and I'll often feel her moving around a lot after I eat or when I'm wide awake in the wee hours of the night.

There is SO much less activity in the belly with just one baby. With the twins... there was constant movement from 23 weeks on.

Gabby really enjoys feeling her move. She loves to put her hands on my belly and her ear up against my belly to try and listen for her sister. And, Rocco will even pat my belly and say "baby", instead of "belly".

This pregnancy has been such a subconcious part of my life for the past 12 weeks, ever since Matt died. But, it's becoming much more front-of-mind with her becoming more active, the protruding belly growth, and having complete strangers asking about the pregnancy.

With Gabby, my big cravings were anything with tomatoes and cheese (pizza, pastas, grilled cheese & tomato soup), dill pickles, broccoli, and choc chip cookies.

With the twins, I couldn't get enough meat, spicy food and had to have a donut almost every day

This baby has had me on numerous runs to get an M&M Blizzard from DQ, and I seem to always have a fresh batch of blueberry muffins available (with extra blueberries).

This baby has been a very good baby so far, not creating any added drama.

God is Snuggling Matatoe

During our stressful week with Rocco, there was one distinct sign our little Matt was with us.

It was the night Dan stayed with Rocco in the hospital. I was home, lying next to Gabby in bed, unable to sleep. I was so worried... and I felt like I was just waiting for news or a phone call from Dan.

Gabby was fast asleep. She was sleeping hard. Every so often, she'd even snore.

All of a sudden... she reached for my arm and said "Mommy?" I didn't respond because I could tell she was still sleeping. And, she said it again "Mommy?"

So I replied, "Yes, sweetheart?"

And she said "You know what? God and Matatoe are snuggling right now!"

And, that was it. She didn't say another thing and started snoring again shortly thereafter.

I couldn't believe it. This was crazy to me.

There I sat in the dark, wide awake, filled with worry and stressed about Rocco, grieving the loss of Matteo and replaying everything about our last two days with him. And, then Gabby says this to me, in her sleep.

I rolled over and I cried. I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t help but think and hope that little Matt was telling me something, once again, through his big sister. He wanted me to know he was ok.

I’ve never once told Gabby that God and Matteo snuggle in Heaven. Not because I wouldn’t like to believe it – I have just never thought to say something like that to her. Maybe another adult has created this beautiful image for her and she just happened to be dreaming about it that night, and happened to tell me about it in her sleep. I don’t know. It sure is quite a coincidence, if so.

My little angel… being snuggled… by God.

One VERY LONG Week

We had a really rough week, two weeks ago. Thinking about it exhausts me…

After a very normal and active Sunday, Rocco felt warm to me that night. He’s been cutting a lot of teeth… but he felt warmer than “teething” warm. I took his temperature around 6:30pm and it was 102.1. My first thought was “Great. Here we go… our first fever since Matteo’s death. Ok, we’ll get through this. It’s just a fever.”

But in reality, you’re parents to a child who died in his sleep after fighting a fever for 30 hours – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when his twin brother comes down with a fever 10 weeks after his twin died while fighting a fever – a fever isn’t “just a fever” anymore. And, when a cause of death has still not been determined, when blood samples have now been sent to a microbiologist to look deeper for any connections to some kind of viral or bacterial infection and when the coroner tells you that his organs all showed he was a very healthy little boy… well… a fever is not “just a fever”.

A fever now has the potential to be beyond scary and stressful. Every hour is filled with questioning and second guessing every move you make as a parent. And, the scariest part might just be that you know nighttime is coming. You know fevers are their worst at night. And, this child will want to sleep. And, you’ll get tired too.
And… one of your 17 month, 25 day old twin boys died 10 weeks earlier. He had a fever too. He died in his sleep. And, you found him dead, in his crib the next morning when you went in to calm his crying twin brother.

Now every hour of every day for the rest of your life… you kick yourself, you’re angry with yourself and you WISH and wonder why you didn’t do a million things differently that last night with him. You replay every last thing you did with him and the last moments you spent with him. A million times a day. You wonder how the hell your sweet baby could have died, when one month earlier, he was much sicker, fighting a similar fever, but acting completely lethargic for two straight days. You wonder how he could have died when he had fought numerous fevers, night and day, throughout the winter months. You wonder why he was taken from you. You feel like he was stolen.

And all you have are sweet memories and photos of him. And, your heart has never hurt more and you cry every day, more than you’re ever cried in your entire life. And, you’re sad. You’re lonely and you’ve never missed ANYTHING so much. Ever.
You completely lose any fear you, yourself had of dying… because that will be when you reunite with your sweet baby again.

THAT is what a fever is now… for us, anyway.

So, we paged our pediatrician Sunday night because Rocco also had some little red dots on his upper arms and around his neck. Dr. O was great… and he said he’d like us to meet him at his office. Apparently, the dots were heat-rash related. We were to keep giving him Motrin/Tylenol as needed, bathe him and call Dr. O in the morning if the fever got worse.

Rocco kept the fever through the night, but it stayed 102 or below with regular doses of Tylenol. Monday morning started with a very low fever so I thought (hoped!) that maybe it was teething after all. However, when he went from active and happy to clinging to mommy, acting tired, sick, and feeling crazy-hot to the touch in the matter of a half hour… I knew this wasn’t good. At 11:15am, his fever was 104.2. I gave him Tylenol and called the Dr. O. We were told to bring him in right away, which we did. His fever was still climbing (104.5), so they gave him a high dose of Motrin. And we of course raised a million concerns… “but this is too similar to Matteo… fast/high fever?” I almost felt bad for Dr. O or any doctor that day, because all we really wanted was for him/them to say was “Matt died of X. This is completely unrelated to what Rocco has, which is Z.” But, of course, that was impossible.

So, we were sent to the hospital to get Rocco’s blood drawn. And, we were given a prescription for TamiFlu, just in case this was H1N1-related.
Dr. O called us about two hours later to let us know Rocco’s white blood cell counts were elevated, indicating he wasn’t just fighting a flu virus. There was something else, possibly an infection of some sort. Dan took this call and I of course lost it. I broke down crying. My heart was in my throat.

We were then sent to the ER with a referral, to help speed the process of getting us seen quickly. While in the ER, we experienced two more fever spikes of 104. In hearing our history of Rocco’s twin dying 10 weeks prior, after having a fast, high fever history… none of the physicians felt comfortable sending us home. They wanted to keep Rocco for observation, wait for more of the lab tests to come back, and monitor him for cardiac or apnea issues throughout the night. We were finally admitted to a room at 9:15pm. Dan spent the night in the hospital with Rocco. I went home… and wow, that was incredibly difficult to do.

Gabby couldn’t understand why her brother was not coming home. “But Mommy, I want to play with him still. I love him. He’s going to come back, right?” It broke my heart. And, I couldn’t help but cry while trying to reassure her (and myself) that everything would be ok and “Yes, he is absolutely coming home to us.” Neither Dan nor I slept much that night.

Rocco was discharged Tuesday morning. No apnea or cardiac issues were discovered throughout the night. He ran a fever throughout the night but was finally responding well to the medications. He tested negative for 7 viruses they are able to test for (out of the 100’s that exist).

At home on Tuesday, his fever continued and ended up climbing to 104 by 8:30pm. Dr. O had us go back into his office around 5pm when I reported Rocco to be having some difficulty breathing. He was then diagnosed with bronchitis in addition to whatever illness he was fighting. Dr. O decided to call us every hour for a few hours that night – which I couldn’t have been more appreciative of. Finally around 10:30pm, his fever went below 102. This is after taking higher doses of the Tylenol, as recommended by Dr. O.

I decided to pull an all nighter so I could check on Rocco every half hour. There was NO WAY I could sleep, after losing Matt in his sleep while he had a fever. Rocco was FINALLY cool to the touch from 12:30am – 2:45am, and I was celebrating in my head. But, at 3am, he was feeling warm again. At 3:30am, he woke up crying, I went to get him, he threw up on me, and he was extremely hot. Again – fever of 104. I woke Dan up so I could clean up the puke and change clothes. Dan gave Rocco Tylenol and brought him to the ER. By the time they got there – Rocco’s fever was 105. They gave him Motrin right away, did chest x-rays, ran some more blood tests, and paged Dr. O.

Dan and Rocco got home from the ER around 9am. Still – no answers. I had slept for maybe one hour after Dan took over. Dan, was exhausted. This sucked.

Rocco’s fever continued throughout Wednesday, but never hit over 102.8. He had a normal temp by 7:30pm, and his fever didn’t hit over 100 throughout the night. On Thursday, it was 100 at 8:20am, but came down right away after giving him Tylenol and that was the last of it.

To say it was an exhausting, stressful week doesn’t even crack the surface.
We felt lucky to have a pediatrician who spent a LOT of time working for us that week. Dr. O called us more than we called him - we were so appreciative.
The question remains – what caused this?

Dr. O’s wife who is an RN called to confirm on Monday of last week that Rocco’s H1N1 test results were negative. But, she also told us they would like to test Rocco for mono. She asked if Matteo’s blood was tested for EBV/mono. I was pretty sure the answer was no – but would call the coroner to find out. She said that in small children, mono can be subclinical for 2 months. She also said that in small children, mono typically presents with high fevers and not so much the exhaustion that adolescents experience. She also mentioned that mono does have the potential to cause death in small children. And, with the timing of Matteo’s death… we agreed that this was something we needed to test for. (Please note – this is my recount of the discussion. If you have questions – ask your MD.).

I called the coroner and left a vmail. I called her again the next day and left another vmail. She finally called back and could not confirm that they did test for EBV/mono so she had to call the lab. I have a feeling they didn’t initially test for it, but we’ll see. I talked with the coroner for a while that day. It brought lots of horrible memories, and emotions back to the surface.

I still can’t believe Matt’s gone. It’s been 12 weeks and I miss him more than anything. And, it sucks beyond SUCKS still not knowing why he died. I need to know why he died. I just hope we get answers some day.

Dan and I eventually caught up on our sleep. Rocco is healthy. Gabby is healthy. Baby Surprisette is kicking and moving around a lot more in recent weeks.

And, at this rate… baby Surprisette is sure to be an adrenaline junky and non-sleeper.

All photos in this post are of Gabby smothering Rocco with love that week. SO cute...

11 Weeks

It's been 11 weeks now since we last saw Matteo alive. Eleven. Weeks. Eleven LONG weeks.

Life keeps going on... and on and on. And, we still miss our little dude. We miss everything about him. It still feels like a knife is going right through my heart every minute of the day... every minute I think about him. Every minute I miss him.

Every minute of every day for eleven weeks.

I miss hearing his precious voice. I miss snuggling with him every day. I miss his wild, curly, golden hair. I miss his chubby feet. I miss his huge brown eyes. I miss him burrowing his head into my shoulder when someone would get close to us or try and take him out of my arms. I miss him and Rocco fighting over me. I miss hearing him say "momma, momma, momma!" I miss EVERYTHING. Every. Single. Thing. I miss it all...

I watch this video often.
(Again, to turn off the music on this site, click pause "" on the playlist.com box. Just scroll down a bit and you'll see it in the right sidebar.)


And, this is one of the last 10 videos we took of him. It was filmed in June when he started going from only liking to watch Diego, to watching and singing along to the theme song for Dora.

Rocco's First Kiss

Back in July... about two weeks after Matteo died, some good friends came to visit us.

We took the kids to the park, went out for lunch, the kids took baths and watched a movie with popcorn and we built a big nest for them on the floor.

And, Rocco had his first kiss... with Miss Gianna Bella. She is about 6 months younger than Gabby, but I think Rocco had quite the crush while she was here.

Matteo was more of the ladies man... always aware when a little girl was around him. Always quick to pick up a toy and share it with her. Rocco never showed much interest in the little ladies before this.

But, I got a great photo - so I had to share.

Summer Pool Fun

We ended the summer with lots of trips to the pool. LOTS!

Gabby and Rocco both love the water... so it is always a fun activity to do as a family. Just a tad bit exhausting as Rocco has no fear in the water and literally just dives in and will float with his face down and giving a few leg kicks until you pick him up out of the water. Only to dive in immediately and do it again. He looks like a frog floating in the water and you have to watch him like a hawk.

Gabby has turned into such a great little swimmer. She swims wonderfully with her face down in the water, but we need to work on getting her to also swim with her head ABOVE the water so she can breathe while swimming. Needless to say, she is fine swimming in the shallow end, so she can come up for air by simply putting her feet on the ground. But, we still need to wear the swimmy arms if she wants to wander into the deep end freely. She continues on in swimming lessons and is doing so great, loving it and learning so much.

Rocco, Gabby & gymnastics

Rocco has started gymnastics!

The original plan was for me to enroll both Rocco & Matteo in September. Matteo would have really LOVED it. And, I would have SO loved to see him enjoying it too. But, instead... Rocco started the "Tumble With Your Tot" class solo in August. Both his and Gabby's class begins at the same time, which is convenient.

Gabby recently moved up a level, and she really enjoys it. There is more focus on coordination type skills, more time spent on the beam and bars, and more energy put towards having the kids learn/do certain tumbling skills correctly... not just flopping through the motions. Gabby really likes the challenges of her new class and was thrilled that a friend she made at gymnastics also joined her in the move to this class.

Rocco thinks the gym is fabulous. His class is 45 mins long and consists of 15 minutes to do whatever he wants (bar, beam, trampoline, floor, ropes, mats... whatever), 5 minutes of circle-time stretching, ~10 minutes of obstacle courses, ~10 minutes of tunnels, balls and hula hoops, ~5 minutes to jump in the pit, then the goodbye song, stamps & paper. On the first day, I couldn't get Rocco to focus on anything... he spent the entire class running everywhere and testing everything out as quickly as he could. I was exhausted at the end and probably sweating more than him!

During the second class, Rocco actually sat in circle time for an entire minute before running off out of the circle (while all the other kids sat stretching nicely, of course). And, during the third class, he actually did 3 minutes of stretching with the other kids before running off. By the third class he also followed the kids ahead of him through the obstacle course nicely instead of trying to zip by them, go around them, or run off to do something else entirely. His focus seems to get better with each class. I think the enormous gym just really excited this little guy!

During class, Gabby will often wave and yell a "Hi Rocco! Hi mommy!", which is cute. And, I often have to catch Rocco from running over to Gabby... he'll point and say "Babby!"

I find myself wondering what Matteo would have liked best about the class. I wonder if he would have followed Rocco around while laughing, knowing they were making me chase them both. Or, if he would have had more focus from the start. I imagine he would have enjoyed the circle time stretching and the obstacle course. I think he would have also clung to me quite a bit and would have been a bit bothered every time I had to run off to chase Rocco.

I'll always wonder... no matter what we do. I'll always wonder what Matteo would have done.

Now this is EXCITEMENT!

Gabby and Rocco get so excited when they know we're going to GG.

This video is a sampling of the excitement during the car ride there. To turn off the music on this blog site so you can hear the video, simply click on the pause button () on the playlist (right side bar, scroll down a bit, under the header "playlist.com").

Our New Abnormal "Normal"

My mom (Gammy) recently visited and it was great to see her. The kids LOVE her visits and they really enjoyed spending time with her, as always.

I think my mom needed to come out for some extra hugs. She needed to see us, and know that we're "kind of" ok... even though our world is quite broken right now. We were so appreciative of her taking the time to visit us, and this extra time with her.

It's such a crazy, broken, messed-up time in our lives. So, I almost feel sorry for anyone who comes over to visit us. There is a sad element that constantly lingers over my shoulder. It's just there. It is constant. And, I think that's ok for right now. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning how to manage it. Dan is much better at compartmentalizing it than I am. I'm sure I'll get there at some point... I'm just not there yet.

I know I'm not the person that I once was. I'm different right now... different and changing. I know for a fact that I probably couldn't appreciate every single moment with my kids more than I do right now. And, they're my main focus in life. They are what gets me out of bed in the morning. They're the reason life isn't completely unbearable right now.

Through all of this, we've been lucky to have had so many people reach out to us and let us know they care. The thoughtfulness and generousity shown by so many has been both heartwarming and amazing. At times, I can feel the hugs and tears being shared. We have a stack of cards. We have a stack of heartfelt letters. We have a stack of comforting emails I've printed. I could go on and on and on... from the books that have been sent to us, the keepsakes, the contributions to Matteo's Memorial Fund, and the list goes on and on. So many people have taken the time to make and bring us dinner, send or bring us frozen dinners, and we've even had people from out-of-state order take-out food for us and have it delivered. Totally unbelieveable. Dan and I have been in complete awe of the generousity and kindness shown by so many. In. Awe. I often think that Dan & I would have easily not eaten for weeks on end had it not been for those gifted dinners.

Obviously... we would do ANYTHING... absolutely ANYTHING to not be on the receiving end of such generousity and thoughtfulness. And, that is sometimes difficult to deal with too. You're so incredibly and beyond thankful for the outpouring of love and generousity... but at the same time you hate it. You wish with all of your heart that you weren't having to be in this position... on the receiving end, that is. All I REALLY want is my baby back. I WANT MATT BACK MORE THAN ANYTHING.

But, I know I need the hugs. I know we need the love. I know we need the beautiful letters and heartfelt words people share with us. We need it. It helps us. To know people care and that they want to help us during this horrific time in our lives. We like to know people remember Matt and will keep him in their hearts. Always and forever.

People stop by or come over... and it often includes tears. I've even cried to our house cleaners, who were always entertained by the twins. I cried when talking to the nice man who came over to fix our blinds when he expressed his sympathies and had tears in his eyes.

Or, I'll be out in public... talking with a perfect stranger or someone who has maybe just seen me in passing a few times. I've cried when first meeting people at the pool... when they innocently ask "where's his twin?" and I go on to share our story. I've cried when leaving the grocery store... after the checkout lady sees me with Gabby, asks how my twins are doing, and congratulates me on the new baby and comments on how busy my life will soon be. If only she knew of our loss. I just feel so messy inside sometimes.

We've tried to slowly work ourselves back into having friends over. That's been hard too. But, for different reasons. We have had a few good friends over... and there is always something just MISSING. He's missing. It's a constant thought in my head. Matt is missing. Forever.

He should be here. He should be having fun too. He should be playing with the other little kids like he always did. It hurts to know his brother, sister and their friends are having fun, living life... and he's not. It hurts like hell and I know it always will.

I feel like sometimes I wear a mask. I try to act happier than I am. I try to hide my sadness or not think about it when people are here. And, I know that is something I will just need to learn to live with too. I will have to learn how to manage it. How to deal with it. And, I'm sure I will. It will just take time.

And, sometimes I am genuinely happy. Sometimes, I am truly enjoying the time I'm spending with my family or a conversation with someone or even a good, hard laugh. And, during those times... I AM happy. But, even when I'm laughing... I am still thinking of him. Always. And, I know it's good that I can laugh again... I appreciate that I can truly laugh and feel happy in certain moments again without completely faking it. But, he's always right there... in my thoughts. Always.

Sometimes it can be difficult to see a set of young twins with a proud mommy & daddy. Sometimes it is hard to hear and talk about kids going to their first days of school... and know that Matteo will never experience that. It's hard to hear and talk about Rocco's "firsts", or other kids "firsts", knowing that Matteo's "firsts" have ended.

But, I do and I have to... because that is life. And, life goes on. Life goes on for Gabby... for Rocco... for Dan... for me... for baby Surprisette... for everyone. And, I enjoy talking about Rocco's firsts and hearing about my friend's or brother's kids "firsts" and what is going on in everyone's lives. We can't just slip out and watch from the sidelines. We have to keep playing this game of life.

I'm expecting it to get easier as time passes. I hear it gets easier. The pain of losing Matteo will never go away. It will just be a pain that becomes very familiar... a pain that I learn to live with and manage. When other people aren't thinking about it... I will be. Always. Maybe it just won't sting as much? I don't know yet...

It's our sucky, new, abnormal, "normal" life. We don't have any other choice but to live it.

I just have make sure I give my kiddos the best possible life I can. Or, the "bestest"... as Gabby would say.

Our New Au Pair

This is a photo of our new au pair, Sarah, with the kids. She joins us from Germany and has been here since August 14th. She has been such a welcome member of our household... so helpful with cleaning up around the house and doing laundry. Sometimes, I think she has a little bit of me in her in that she can't seem to sit down either! Always likes to be doing something.

The kids have really taken to Sarah quickly too. She plays so nicely with Gabby and Rocco, even when she is not technically "working". She will color and play dolls with Gabby for hours, and Gabby just loves that. And, Rocco seems to becoming quite her little buddy. He always greets her with a "Hi Sarah!" when he first sees her in the morning. He often likes to sit and eat breakfast with her. And, she spends time playing blocks with him and takes him to the park every single day.

It seems to be a very good fit for all. Sarah will be with us until August of 2010.

First Official Day of Pre-K

Gabby started her first official day of Pre-Kindergarten on 8/25.
She was very proud to be in "Pre-K"... and seemed to be well aware of the fact that she was moving on & up from her "Older Preschool" classroom. She picked her outfit that day, as she does on most days. Since mid-February 2008, Gabby had been going to preschool two days a week, for the full day. At the time, she was 27 months old and in desperate need of overcoming some separation anxiety from mommy. And, mommy was also in need of some special time to just devote to the two little boys who joined our lives in January 2008.

It took almost 2 months for Gabby to not cry when we would drop her off. Gosh... that was so hard! But, it really paid off as she gained so much self-confidence and her social skills of being comfortable with other kids and adults skyrocketed. And, she made some REALLY great little friends.

Thankfully, three of her best friends from school have moved into her Pre-K classroom with her. And, I really like her Pre-K teachers... they're so on the ball, quick and interactive with the kids. Gabby seems to really like them as well.

While we had planned for Gabby to start going to school 3 days/week when she moved to the new classroom. The plan changed after Matteo died.

Rocco was SO used to always having his best friend around to play with him whether he liked it or not. Rocco and Matteo were ALWAYS together. Well, in the weeks since Matt died... Rocco has really become close with Gabby and has relied upon her as a playmate more than he ever has. So, to assist him with the transition of no longer having a constant companion, we decided it would be best to keep Gabby home 3 days/week until January, when baby Surprisette arrives.

Then, when I go back to work after maternity leave... we'll start Rocco in preschool 2 days/week because he REALLY enjoys playing with other kids and will be more than ready for the school-type of structure in his life. Matter-of-fact... we now always bring Rocco with us to pick Gabby up from school so he can run and play with Gabby's friends for a little bit on the playground. He just loves it!

GG Petting Zoo Fun...

We've been visiting Gilroy Gardens a lot in the past few weeks. It's an amusement park with rides, water parks, a fabulous petting zoo with pony rides, beautiful gardens (which we have yet to tour or walk through), and lots of other activites for the kids.

We purchased season passes two days before Matteo died. We visited the park for the first time as a family two days before Matteo died. And, we had planned to visit many more times as a family.

The first visit after Matteo died really sucked. It was difficult to not constantly replay in my head what he liked, that he first showed signs of a fever while we were at the park, and how he didn't want to leave the playground with all the cool slides when it was time to go home. I literally had to peel him off the slides even though he was sick.

The kids love GG. And, aside from the half hour drive there... Dan and I enjoy going there too. My mom (Gammy) was visiting last week so we brought her along with us so she could get a sampling of the excitement and fun. We also met up with my friend, Kathleen and her girls and husband.

Gammy took lots of photos of all the petting zoo fun which I've posted here. If you ask me... Gabby should live on a farm. She did such a great job picking up and holding the chickens so gently. She wasn't scared of them one bit and was really very kind and gentle with all the animals. Rocco absolutely LOVED feeding the goats. He couldn't get enough of them eating food out of his hands. And, after he saw Gabby pick up chickens... he couldn't stop attempting to pick up the smaller goats. It was fun to watch.

I can't help but wonder what Matteo would have enjoyed the most. I know he would have been absolutely thrilled to feed the goats. And, I imagine he would have screamed his "Wowwowoow" when petting them and while also saying "goat.... goat.... goat". I so wish my little angel could have been with us during this visit.

Signs

Before Matteo died, I had an unbiased opinion regarding paranormal experiences. I always found it both interesting and kind of scary to hear stories from other people. I always wanted to believe that people really do have a sixth sense, but they have to be open to it. I always wanted to believe that children have an uncanny ability to see/hear/feel things that adults do not, because they don’t fear the things adults do. And, they are naturally unbiased. I also wanted to believe that when a loved one dies… they have a strange ability to somehow communicate with you and let you know they’re still with you.

Then, Matteo died.

For 8+ weeks, I have been contemplating sharing some of my stories in this forum, of signs that Matteo is still with us. But, after last night, I feel compelled to share a few of the odd things that have happened to me/us. I think Matteo has been hard at work… randomly giving us signs that he is still here with us.

THE FIRST SIGN:
The date was July 13th. It was two nights after Matteo’s funeral. I can’t recall the exact time, but it was probably in the 10 o’clock hour. My parents were sitting in the TV room, watching TV. Dan was working late. It was dark outside. No wind… it was a normal, calm, warm summer evening. I was walking around the house putting stuff away. As I was walking through the dark kitchen, I saw in the corner of my eye a bright red light outside our back door. I remember stopping, thinking that was really strange… and wondering where this red light was coming from. So, I reversed. It wasn’t there anymore. I was curious though. So, I walked out the back door and looked in the direction of where the light came from. There sat this crazy zebra horse that Matteo just LOVED. Every single time Matteo walked out the back door, the first toy he would gravitate towards was the crazy zebra horse. So, I walked over to the zebra horse, and I touched it. I wanted to see if it would light-up again. It didn’t. I then patted it on the back. It still didn’t light up. Then, I shook it. It lit up. And there was that bright red light I saw. Sure enough. I got goose bumps from head to toe. Literally.

I knew it was Matteo. He did this. I think he was trying to tell me he was ok and he was happy.

Never before had I ever seen this toy light up by itself. And since that night, I have not seen this toy light up again by itself.



THE SECOND SIGN:
The date was July 20th. It had been 2 weeks and 2 days since I last held Matteo in my arms. I was really lonely for him. I couldn’t sleep. It was late. Everyone was sleeping. I was downstairs, by myself, watching the E! channel on TV, sitting on the sofa with my laptop. I missed Matteo so much that I decided I was going to watch all the videos I had posted of him on the blog. I just wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to see his wiggle. So, I turned off the TV and threw the remote an arm’s length away from me on the sofa. I just watched and listened to Matteo. I felt so close to him by doing this. Of course, I was also crying and wiping tears from my eyes. To say I was missing him is such an understatement… just so sad and hurting.

Then, I heard a click from the TV. The TV turned on. By itself. BY. ITSELF. And, what’s even stranger is that it turned on to a sports channel. There I sat, by myself, in a dark room with Matteo’s videos playing on my laptop. And, the TV turns on by itself to a baseball game on channel. Have I mentioned before that Matt would actually sit with Dan and watch baseball?

I was scared to move. Seriously. I looked to my right to make sure the remote control was still sitting there. Yup. There it was. The remote hadn’t moved. And, I wasn’t sitting on it. I literally said out loud “Matteo, you’re scaring mommy.”

I continued to sit on the sofa. I was afraid to move. Afraid to get up. Afraid to turn the TV off. But, I KNEW Matteo was there with me. I was practically channeling the kid. And, then he tosses me this big ‘ol sign that he was there with me… and it freaks me out.

It still warms my heart to think about that moment. It was simply the strangest thing that had ever happened to me. And, I just knew… with my whole heart, that it was Matteo who turned that TV on.

We’ve owned this TV for 3 years. Neither Dan, nor I have ever seen it turn on by itself. We’ve never come downstairs in the morning to discover the TV being on. And, it has not turned on by itself since then.



A THIRD SIGN:
It was a Sunday morning and exactly 6 weeks since we discovered Matteo dead in his crib. I woke up at 4:45am and felt this crazy urge to go and check on Rocco. My mind was telling me I had to go check on him. What if something was wrong? What if something happened to him in his sleep. I sat there… thinking. My heart was racing. I was having trouble breathing. What if I go check on him and something is wrong? I was so scared, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to see or experience anything so awful again in my life. My mind was racing. He’s ok. He’s ok. Your mind is playing tricks on you, Jodi. Calm down. I must have been laying there talking to myself for at least 10-15 minutes. Frozen. Scared to move. Scared to check on Rocco. But, not able to sleep again unless I was going to get up and check on Rocco and make sure the same tragedy hadn’t happened to him.

Gabby suddenly woke up. It was just after 5am. She popped up, wide awake and she leaned over and kissed my forehead. She said “Mommy, Matteo told me I needed to kiss you.” She kissed me again. She said “You get two kisses from Matteo.” He told me to tell you that he’s watching over us. We’re safe. He’s keeping us safe and everything is going to be ok. He loves us and he’s still with us.”

Tears started running from my eyes. I asked Gabby “How do you know Matteo said this, Gabby?” She said “Because he just visited me in my dream and told me to tell you that.”

I hugged Gabby so tight. She immediately fell back asleep without any tossing or turning. It was the strangest thing. But, my heart stopped racing. I stopped worrying. And, I truly believe he communicated to me through Gabby that morning. And, based on things she’ll tell me when she wakes up… I’d be willing to bet that Matteo visits her frequently in her dreams.



A FOURTH SIGN:
Dan had just gone to bed a half hour earlier. He stayed up late working and to check on Rocco, because Rocco had a cold and was having a tough time breathing. It was a little after 1am on Thursday, September 3rd.

The fire alarms throughout the house go off. Every single fire alarm in the house goes off simultaneously. Dan and I both jump out of bed. We’re freaked. Amazingly, Gabby is still sleeping . My mom (visiting at the time) is still sleeping. Rocco is still sleeping and Sarah, our new au pair, is still sleeping. Dan rushes around the upstairs seeing if there is smoke/fire anywhere. I run downstairs, in search of smoke/fire. Nothing. No smoke. No fire.

Kids are awake now. My mom and Sarah are also now awake.

I grab the kids, take them outside, wrap them in blankets, and hold them. They’re confused. We’re now outside the house and we can still hear our house loudly beeping. It’s so loud that I feel like it’s echoing throughout the neighborhood.

Dan is frantically trying to turn the alarms off. On any other occasion when one or all of our fire alarms have gone off (which I could count on one hand, mind you, and we’ve lived in this house for 7 years), you simply press and hold the button on any of the alarms going off for 3 seconds and it will turn the alarm(s) off. Dan is going from room to room doing just this. Nothing is working. He decides to cut power to the house. The house goes black. The alarms stop. He turns the power back on and the alarms all start sounding again. He goes throughout the house removing all the batteries from each and every one of the fire alarms. They’re still loudly beeping. Then, he kills the power throughout the house again. And at least 15 minutes (if not more) after the start of this… the alarms FINALLY stop. FINALLY.

My ears were still ringing. All I could think was… Matteo. He did this. The kid loved fire trucks.

So, I talk Dan into calling the fire department just to make sure we’re not missing something. We haven’t exactly been free of unexpected and uncommon events in our life for the past 8+ weeks.

I rock Rocco back to sleep with a bottle when the fire department arrives. My mom is reading to Gabby. Rocco is sleeping in my arms, drinking his milk, and reaching his open hand out to touch something in front of him. And, I sit there thinking… Matteo? Are you here with us? Did you do this tonight? Can Rocco see/feel your little face right now?

The fire department leaves. No signs of any electrical, smoke, fire or gas issues. They tell Dan we might just have one faulty alarm that set the entire system off.

How strange that this has never happened before? How strange that this happened shortly after 1am… during the timeframe that I am so sure Matteo died? There are so many odd/strange dreams or things happening during this crazy timeframe at night.

Sure. One could probably find some sort of explanation for most of these things. Perhaps there was a little animal that jumped onto Matteo’s zebra horse toy. Perhaps, there was some strange static energy in the house that made the TV turn on by itself. Maybe Gabby’s dream and the time she woke up to tell me Matteo’s message was pure coincidence with a time I was so scared. Perhaps we have a faulty fire alarm system… and it’s just coincidence that it happened to go off in the middle of the night… during the hours I feel Matteo died, 8+ weeks after he died.

It’s all what you allow yourself to believe, I guess.

Do you believe in paranormal experiences or a sixth sense? Again… feel free to share your personal stories in the comments. I would love to read them... as would other followers, I'm sure.